Expirament

Ok, guys. I am hear posting again because my resolve has faltered now about 1000 times when trying to quit this crappy PMO habit of mine. I read the book "your brain on porn" and found a lot in there that really rang true to me. For years, I have sought out supernormal stimulus in the form of porn or masturbation or fantasy etc. as a way of calming nerves, dodging anxieties, dealing with pain etc. It goes deeper, for me there were years that I didn't even know why I was reaching there it just registered as a "temptation" or evidence that I was an exceptionally horny person, I worried that maybe there was something wrong with me deep down. I remember when I was in college and I was really trying not to PMO primarily out of fear (puritan religious baggage,) my safe guard was the fact that I had roommates and the computer that we all used was in a visible space. I felt so drawn to Porn when I was alone. I couldn't make it more then a week with out masturbating. The level of shame that I carried around day in and day out really makes me sick to think about. I was consistently living in my emotional extremities and on the verge of collapse. What I didn't realize was that my brain was reaching for things that would bring boost dopamine instinctively. I think by nature my brain chemistry must be a little low on dopamine, also I'll say that its hard for me to know exactly because I've been on this PMO and junk food yoyo for so long essentially medicating the symptoms of low dopamine. While all men have sex drive (if they are healthy) not all men look for a dopamine fix through PMO, false supernormal stimulus, manipulative relationships, with the desperation and intensity that I have. The sad part is I really think that for years I have been drawn to that, partially out of fascination, but primarily just to feel good and normal or to not be gritting my teeth or feel so wired/exhausted all the time. I've been trying to track my triggers and what it seems like to me is that I reach to PMO when i'm either in psychic, or physical pain. Porn has been a bandaid for both hopelessness, and shoulder pain (though masturbation probably doesn't help the shoulder haha) Other insights include, both of my parents are obsessive. I don't know for sure if my Dad uses porn, though I have suspected it from time to time. Their obsession comes in the form of exercise and work, they seem to be twice as driven and twice as desperate as other more brain-healthy people I know. I think they are addicted to dopamine boosting activity the same way I have been addicted to PMO, the difference is their addictions result in better cardiovascular strength , and accomplishment where mine keeps me in the basement and away from the life I want.

My experiment is simply this. I want to cut all supernormal stimulus out of my life for a full month and observe and see how I feel after. My list includes PMO, Processed Sugars, and Caffeine. I want to replace these with sunshine, exercise, learning, and sleep. I want it easy just like the diabetic would prefer candy and a shot rather then a salad and a walk. Ironically there is nothing easy about being caught in this crap, its a partial life and it SUCKS!! I'm saying that to myself.

Here we go, I'm going to post to this thread everyday. I welcome any and all insights and if anything I'll be a test rat for the rest of you to gather some more Data and shed a little light on this trap we find ourselves in.

thanks

 

Check in. I'm feeling alright, nothing to insane. I feel the urge to PMO. OK, now that I'm thinking about it, I feel a little tired, I have some neck and back pain. I feel a little impatient and anxious about some of my responsibilities, some of them are a little ambiguous in nature and they are forming like clouds above me. Maybe thats why I want to PMO, also because that has been my typical pick me up, which leaves me feeling low anyway. I'm afraid of letting all this go sometimes. Anyway, thats where I am right now. I'm going to spend a little time reading, attending to my kids, then later in the afternoon I'll do that work that I need to. I'm replacing PMO and junk food with sunshine, exercise, learning, and sleep I'm going to also throw in there legit human connection, and the clarification that comes through expressions. Me writing here is helping me with that clarity. I'm going to do this 3 times a day for the duration of my experiment. That means 90 posts for a month. I can do it. I'm doing it.

 

Hey thanks for the advice, I'll give it a try. I'm open to anything!!

 

insight: all my drugs of choice have been stimulants. I'm looking for that dopamine upper via PMO, food, caffeine. Supernormal stimulants have short circuited my brains natural way of balancing all that out. I've got to come down, and suffer through the re-normalization process. I"m saying this because I can already feel the tired anxious worn out feeling kicking in.

 

took a catnap when I would have reached for caffeine, still feel some of that brain fog that so many feel when going through all of this but I imagine that subsiding with time. I actually feel al little clearer headed after my nap.

 

Dear world, my head hurts. After I concentrate for a while I can feel my brain crapping out I get all foggy, like I've been studying for 6 or 7 hours except I've been concentrating for maybe only 30 minutes. I just about and went to get a caffeinated soda to take the edge off, but I've got to see what happens here. I'm letting all the artificial garbage out of my brain and seeing whats on the other side. Then I can make a decision about what I will allow or not. 30 day artificial garbage cleanse.

 

thanks, for the encouragement. I was saying that it FELT that I had studied for 6 or 7 hours but I had only concentrated for 30 minutes. Usually I'd turn to PMO to break that tension which would lead to more mental fog, more PMO etc etc blah blah blah. I think half the reason I can't concentrate that long is because of the PMO.... I'm trying to take more consistent breaks and avoid the burn out, or find healthy alternatives to PMO to deal with the burnout. I've got a days work ahead of me. My goal is to turn to sunshine, learning, exercise, human connection, and sleep to keep me centered. Yesterday was alright looking back on it, in the moment it was a bit of a challenge, but honestly wasn't that bad. I know the real challenge comes when I feel REALLY burned out, or REALLY stressed, or REALLY tired, or REALLY happy and careless, thats when I get impulsive. Goal today is to post a bunch and stay aware, it may seem like over kill but its the only way I've found to keep my head above the fog. What's working/ not working for you? I'm also hoping I can interact more with guys dealing with my same struggles so I can beat the whole I'm alone with my addiction illusion.

word!

 

Wow, good point... I don't know if it's just where I am, but if you asked me what I enjoyed I'm not even sure I could tell you.... Off the top of my head, I like Ping Pong, Music, Movies...... yeah I agree rewarding myself with Sunshine prob is just going to give me a sunburn. I haven't even given much thought to the Idea of rewards. Which reminds me, I read this great book on the power of habit and the Idea of rewards ties right into the habit loop. Cue, Routine, Reward. The reward of porn was a flood of Dopamine for me, I need to find other things that bring some dopamine into my head. The catch is that nothing brings quite as much dopamine as porn, drugs, and junk food. ... Thats only a problem because I've been so freaking conditioned to it. I have to have confidence in the fact that my body and mind will adjust and be just fine on natural levels of Dopamine and happier actually because I'm not going to be living in a never ending deficit. Funny thing, I'm having a hard time thinking about what I really like. I'm starting to be able to see the blanket of grey I have become accustomed to. This is probably why addicts loose interest in the rest of life because its all about that mega fix rather then the little healthy rewards your talking about. How do you start seeing those things you like as rewards rather then things you have to do instead of PMO?

 

Man, I feel pretty drained today. kind of brain dead and anxious. This is when I would have previously turned to PMO. I feel like I constantly fight this productivity battle where rather then take a break and realize that I can't demand productivity from my brain at every moment, I have turned to PMO as a super stimulant to push forward. The pendulum swings back and forth between extremes. Total brain drain to PMO wired high. I get my work done when I'm on a high and then spin my wheels i the lows. This is at the very crux of what I'm dealing with here. I medicate with PMO as a way of navigating the moments when I feel I can't be productive. I panic when I feel super drained like this. It isn't a good place to be. Feeling like Ifeel right now is the beginning of my Addiction cycle. Any sort of unpleasant feeling coupled with the self imposed pressure to do more. I"m going to go get some lunch and close my eyes for a bit.

 

well, i was able to get through some of the more menial tasks today. I had several conversations and some big opportunities that are on my mind. I don't feel good yet, I feel like I'm just kind of going through the motions dealing with a lump of anxiety in my chest. It was a day, it was a day PMO free so thats good. I know for sure that for me PMO is about getting that high. Its like drinking, drink when your sad, drink when your hurt, drink when you celebrate, just drink. Man I'm looking forward to a clear head and life away from that discretion. I don't need that crutch today is the begging of that reality.

 

thanks, for the kind words. Yeah I feel you, its a decision I get to make every day. I need to get out, find ways to connect with other people and nature more. Staying alert is the trick for sure. It occurs to me that one thing PMO does is it causes a diminished alertness and so the likely hood of reaching to PMO grows with its use. It truly feeds itself, and it takes a clear head and some stamina to see through all that nonsense. Anyway, thanks for the comment.

 

Alright, I'm on day 3 and I'm imposing some new structure in my life. I did some cardio this morning along with some pushups stretching prayer and a cold(ish) shower. I feel a little better, honestly I felt like my sex drive went up a little, I was fantasizing about my wife. Interestingly enough tho, fantasizing even about my wife has lead to PMO in the past. Anyway, the new routine really felt like a shock to my system this morning. I don't feel great yet, but I do feel like I'm accomplishing something and that feels good. I've been reflecting on sleep recently. For years I have been sleep deprived. I used to tell people that I don't need as much sleep as the average person which honestly was probably me just trying to prove to myself that I could deal with pain and suffering or some kind of twisted thing. Anyway, I think sleep is up there when it comes to brain chemistry management. Choosing to not drain myself on endless TV, and just go to bed is something that I haven't stuck with for long when I've tried to change it. It's strange its almost like I avoid sleep? In the past I've said I wish I didn't have to do it at all so that I could be more productive, or do more. Anyway, I'm deliberately not watching TV, or getting on my phone at night. I want to see what happens if I get like 8 hours of sleep a night for a month or so. I honestly don't know why my sleep patterns are so strange. Growing up I used to have a hard time falling asleep, maybe I have some kind of anxiety or something. I dunno. I'm trying to relearn that and make it a habit so I don't have to fight it so much. I've felt like feeling "good" was out of my reach so I've avoided it in general for years. So today, same deal, I'm going to replace my PMO routine with things that bring normal amounts of Dopamine, sunshine, learning, human connection, meditation, naps, eating healthy, exercise, etc. I am a healthy person, I can do this.

 

Really hitting work hard right now, feeling pretty decent nothing major to report