experienced people

I'm going through through a reboot now, and I am maintaining my sexual relationship with my GF. I'm not entirely sure I know what you mean about 'alpha', but I can guess.

I only just crossed my 32 day, so my input may not be valid.

When I first stopped looking at porn, I felt like I went from numb (bored with sex and to some degree porn), to quickly feeling excited and perhaps a bit compelled to look at the attractive women in the gym with me. Admittedly they are attractive, and they are wearing yoga pants, and sports tops so there is a lot of stimulation. I felt after a few weeks, that calmed down, and I was better able to 'see them as a whole', rather than my eyes gravitating to specific areas. I also felt better self control. I can look away and get my workout done without wanting to chase them with my eyes. (I was always well behaved, in that I don't believe in looking creepy, but the whole process of controlling myself is easier).

From a sexual health stand point....

I believe in the concept of 'death grip syndrome', where you can create lack of sensitivity through harsh treatment of your manhood during masturbation. The weeks of vacation for my manhood, combined with a good healing lotion have caused my foreskin to begin changing to healthier texture and colors. I feel like the sensations are improving. It could also be that I'm more open to the impact of the sensations by not engaging in PMO every night. My GF is receiving more excitement in being able to drive me crazy in our sessions because of this. At this point, I'm still not able to achieve release by her actions alone.

(Warning: I don't want to trigger anyone with the following descriptions.... it describes my feelings during intercourse, and some of the actions I took as a reflection of my progress in my reboot, it's meant as a objective description and not to stimulate anyone.)

I have been trying to practice 'stay in the moment', by not seeking release through fantasy, but instead paying attention to my senses, and what she is doing. I've also incorporated a practice I've read about about mentally narrating 'what she is doing, and what I'm doing/feeling' as a practice to staying in the moment. However, In our last session together, after an hour of her patiently driving me crazy wild and me staying in the moment, I took matters into my own hands (literally), and I sought final release through a mix of focusing on her, what she had done, what she was wearing, what she had felt like, and some fantasy. (I intentionally pushed away any porn memories, although a quick flash happened here and there). I even tried to get close, and allow her to finish me, but I didn't time it right, and had to take over after she tried. But the release was immense when it happened (also literally).

I also apologize if this is too much information (I included it in the hopes that it's clarity and direct honesty helps) .... however, I've found while in my PMO use, when I was in intercourse with a partner, that my ejaculate was greatly diminished, with a smaller amount slowly being released. To me it felt like 'one pump' was involved in forcing it out. With my reboot effort, (and few weeks due to schedule conflicts of no intercourse), my ejaculate was a stream, and it actually surged out onto the bed (and felt more like 'several pumps'). Sadly this wasn't the same satisfaction that a edging session with PMO would have brought, in that it wasn't followed by immense relaxation and almost comma sleep. However, it was satisfying, and I'm was less tempted following the session with PMO (although the temptation was stronger than before our session). I remain committed.

From this, I guess, I feel the reboot is bringing me greater mental strength and hope. Mentally, I feel more connected with her, and hold her as a greater priority. I was also able to demonstrate that in honest enjoyment of our time together. The practice of pushing out all other mental distractions, and just being with her in that moment seems to be improving. However, it does seem as if I have a lot more work to do, so that fantasy isn't a crutch to finish. I still want to achieve the goal of her being able to 'take me'. And honestly, I may have set myself back in the foreskin health area by resorting to my manual finish with her.

My mind does seem as focused as it was before the session, and emotionally, I don't feel flat lined or out of center.

Unfortunately with my work, and my focus on my GF, I haven't had a lot of time, to determine 'if I think others are making more eye contact'.

Does this answer your question?

 

I'm married so I didn't experience any of the superpowers single people experience. I don't think NoFap makes you feel alpha or removes any beta qualities. I think once you get a hold of this addiction you become a balanced, centered, mature, and confident person. And that creates a unique aura around a person.

An alpha need to project power and dominance because they feel weak. A beta backs down because they feel worthless and unworthy. A balanced person does not need to do either. We are content within ourselves. We are humbled by the experience of getting clean. We are confident that nothing will be as difficult as rebooting. I know my own worth so I don't need to compare. There is freedom in not having to compete. Because I a honest there is no fear of inadequate performance and making excuses. I can be more relaxed and in the moment. I can be more giving and nurturing because I don't demand my needs be taken care of first.

I am me and that is enough.