Every Relapse Lets Me Grow and I am Standing So Fucking Tall Right Now

Time has been flying, I have a tremendous amount of stress from work. I haven't really had any time to PMO, so porn has not been on the forefront of my mind.

I have noticed a craving for porn and have noticed myself decide to watch it - only to stop because I have set up a k9 blocker.

Also, after a week or two without PMO, I have started MOing regularly (once a day). I never really got a straight answer whether the MOing is bad, so whatever...

 

Would you look at that, I've made it nearly a month without porn.

Ned, what have you been doing regarding MO? Do you MO regularly, but not ejaculate (I forget what that's called). Is that an exception?

Machin, I just bought that book a few weeks ago, so I'll slide it right up to be the next book I read after I finish "How to Win Friends and Influence People".

And guys, I totally understand how MOing depletes you and at the very least, takes away some energy. I even have in my signature how energy is all that makes life worth living. But I just feel it's too extreme to cut MOing out permanently.

 

One of these days, I'll start dialing back on the MO, and start really focusing on the tao stuff.

Recently, I noticed there have been a few opportunities for p-subs, and I just thought about the whirlwind of disaster that has lead to in the past, so I just avoided it. Realized it would do me no good.

I've been going on lots of dates recently - I've had a good amount of success with Tinder and Coffee Meets Bagel. It's been easier and easier to get phone numbers. Last night I had a second date - we went out for drinks. I took 2 shots before hand just to calm my nerves. It worked, I was super spontaneous and kept a very stimulating conversation going with her. We were talking about movies, and I suggested we watch a movie she mentioned. She was down to.
We walked to my house, (roommates gone for the night =D ) and we propped in bed and watched it. Held hands during, kissed after the movie, and then we had some pretty awesome sex.

 

I haven't posted in a while. I have been completely immersed in my new job as a teacher and I coursework for my masters classes. It has be extremely successful so far. It has been easy to not watch porn, as I think it's a bit over two months thus far. For the first month and a half, porn never really entered my mind. Now that I have learned how to manage my stress a lot better, I have created some more free time for myself, I have had moments of craving for porn. I have even gotten close to actually considering it. And then I say, "WTF Seth, I am totally past that." I think of the success I have had so far and I am able to rationally and successfully convince myself that it is not something I want. So far, empowering.

I have been masturbating several times a week (4-5). I keep intending to start Tao, but I haven't jumped into it yet. However, I have tried stopping the flow of semen when I orgasm and I notice more powerful orgasms.

I have gone on many first dates - nothing's really clicked so far, but I have slept a few times with that one girl although I'm not interested in getting serious with her and I think she is =( . Otherwise, I'm in a solid place with my job, and exercise, health, happiness, finances, the lot. I have been reading every weekend, and incorporating some serious balance in my life. It's been fantastic.

 

The ultimate goal is to easily remove porn from my life. Although there is an energy boost from cutting MO, it's not worth the amount of energy I have to put in to abstain. I made it 5 months w/o MOing and the extra energy was nice, but it was so much effort to not MO. Right now, I have been easily able to avoid porn, without having to all of my thoughts towards it. It's become easier. I'm sticking with MOing

 

I reset last weekend. I thought it was an isolated event, but I resumed this weekend too. Last weekend, I didn't have much to do, I was bored, and had a house to myself. However, afterwards, I felt OK - I was just going to make it an isolated weekend and go back to resuming NoFap. However, I PMO binged this weekend too. And this weekend I had a lot of shit I needed, to do.

Last night, I went to bed at 7PM, and I just felt incredibly defeated. Deflated. No drive. STONED. Lonely. Useless. I am not beating myself up, but trying to remind myself for the future, what it will be.

When I am contemplating PMOing, I think I need to put myself a few weeks in the future. An isolated event is not so bad, but I know 100% that it can never be an isolated event. I never PMO once and done. It always ALWAYS fucking continues until it feels like I hit a temporary BOTTOM, like I did last night. And sometimes it takes a month until I get to rock bottom. Sometimes it's short like this instance, and it only took 1 week to get there.

And it doesn't fucking matter how long it takes to get to that really shitty, bottom, scum-of-life feeling. The point is that it always takes until I get to that point before I start PMOing again.

So next time I'm considering it, I must remember that I am destining myself for a scum-of-the life feeling in a short period's time. Not fucking worth it.

Another note: I notice the PMO always comes after a time when I MO twice in a day. Once I get to that point, MOing gets boring and I crave PMO. The key is keeping my MO in check. I know people will say I should abstain from MOing, but I don't want to hear it. I need to really dig into the field of separating orgasm from ejaculation and see if that nets me different results.

 

Thanks Ned.

I need a place to vent.

I am so fucking pissed. One of my professors, who was my favorite, has just become supremely aggravating. In a new difficult class I am taking with her, she has offered no support. I told her i felt lost - didn't know where to start and she reprimanded me because I was supposed to have already done something.

FUCK i am so stressed i can't even talk.

If I hadn't fucking watched porn last weekend, I would have done some work and this stress would NOT fucking be happening.

 

Ok, much better now. That was an isolated high stress moment. I took the day off and the problem sorted itself out. I just need to remember that moment as it was a direct consequence of watching porn.

And all in all, I only watched porn a handful of times on two separate weekends. I'm glad I was able to isolate it and not relapse (only reset).

 

Made it through the week! I also set up an account at EverAccountability and asked a really close friend to be my accountability partner. It's $7 a month, (after two month trial) and I might redirect the money I'm donating here to pay for Ever Accountability.

I know it's going to be easy to abstain from porn for 2-3 months. I'm really curious about how I will respond in the 3-5 month range.

I like that I don't have counters. I can figure out how long it has been if I look at the day I started, but getting rid of the counter has changed my perspective from "going on a diet" to "healthy lifestyle".

 

You will make it to Day 40. Are you abstaining from MO as well? I find when I'm abstaining from MO, there IDGAF feeling comes around day 40. When I do streaks abstaining from porn, but allow MO, I find there's a different feeling that comes anywhere from 3-5 months. It's a deep hunger for porn. It's as if something is really bland and missing in my life and I just fucking NEED porn back. Two different, but similar feelings that I have not overcome a few too many times.

 

What the fuck was wrong with NoFap??? I couldn't sign in for a few weeks!

I had a frustrating couple of two weeks, but nothing to do with porn. I have been MOing every other day though.

Craving sex lately, I need to get back into the dating game.