envisioning a healthier future

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by ebbndflow, Oct 7, 2018.

  1. ebbndflow

    ebbndflow Fapstronaut

    I read a reply to a thread I posted from a girl who talked about Karezza. In her reply she mentioned that her NoFap journey to cease orgasm for a year was a means to get off the clitoral stimulation hook which has limited her in the past and that her desire to do so was inspired by a desire to find a lifetime partner and have children.

    Marriage and children seem to be on the horizon for my NoFap goals as well. I have figured in my mind that a woman who is overstimulated and unfulfilled by the lack of love and intimacy in her relationships could never make a healthy mother or partner.

    The feminist question in my mind in response to this realization, though, is whether or not this is my calling in life. Is pairing off and breeding something I truly want to do or have I been socialized to desire this status?

    Even if I came to the understanding that marriage and children were not high priorities and that devoting love to my own artistic creations and my life progress was the best way for me to live, I still believe that my sexuality should be better channeled and geared towards love and intimacy. Love and intimacy grows things, at least that's what I have observed. Being a single independent woman doesn't have to doom me to a life of empty affairs. I would rather it didn't actually, not just for the sake of the health of a hypothetical marriage and child/children that may or may not materialize, but for my own sake. The health of my mind, body, and soul is worth the sacrifice and should come ahead of any superficial desire.

    I am interested how other women with problematic sexual history like my own feel about the idea of marriage and children driving their current goals, whether that be NoFap related or simply life stuff...
     
  2. EmmyB

    EmmyB Fapstronaut

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    I'm guessing that was my thread, as I talked of abstinence then karezza as a path to marriage and motherhood. So I won't interfere as I'd be interested in others' views except to say I think what you wrote about creative and spiritual activities is also true and needn't contradict the other stuff I suggested. For me it's just that M and O use up our energies in selfish and unproductive ways.
     
  3. ebbndflow

    ebbndflow Fapstronaut

    I agree to the selfish aspect of it. I also know that at times it is necessary to be selfish. In my case I know that I have been heavily indulgent in the past because of things I felt were missing from my life and now that I'm aware I want to change. It's the how that stumps me though.

    I seem to carry these odd conversations in my head with a person I might date one day and actually get along with. I always hear myself trying to explain my past to this person and fearing their reaction. Of course my imagination just goes to hell from there. All these thoughts of marriage and children only intensify my nuerosis lol

    Thanks again for your input, Emmy.
     
  4. EmmyB

    EmmyB Fapstronaut

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    Wow - same here! I believe in manifesting my ideal husband and children. This may sound crazy but sometimes I imagine myself trying to apologise to that guy for the woman I used to be and the things I did while I was addicted, and teaching our kids not to make the same mistakes. It makes me cry sometimes. If only I could break free from this addiction I could form a meaningful, spiritual relationship with a kind and loving man, we could marry, then have orgasm-free intimate sex and create beautiful children. That's the life I strive for!
     
  5. Jen@8675309

    [email protected] NoFap Moderator
    Staff Member

    I have no desire to marry a man or to have children, so to answer your question, they are not motivators for me at all in trying to get myself fixed. I'm trying to reboot for my own sense of well being and health, and I guess you could say I'm only doing it for me. I feel like this is too personal and important to me to let someone else be my motivation or reason for quitting porn.
     
    ebbndflow likes this.
  6. torrace

    torrace Fapstronaut

    I just got married this year (Aug 2018). I definitely want to respect women more, hence its one of my main motivation for kicking this habit.
     
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  7. ebbndflow

    ebbndflow Fapstronaut

    I
    appreciate your response, Jen. It's comforting to be reminded that improving myself doesn't have to be contingent upon a source outside of me.

    The guilt is something that still needs to be resolved but just being on this platform and sharing my story helps a great deal.
     
  8. Banjaxed

    Banjaxed Fapstronaut

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    Hi there, I’m curious to understand what you feel guilty about?

    This is a genuine question. Has your past impacted upon anyone else, or just yourself?
     
  9. ebbndflow

    ebbndflow Fapstronaut

    My sexual history has negatively affected just me (that I know of). Chronic promiscuity just seems like a tough thing to explain away to someone I may eventually be interested in commiting to. I see men running off scared in my future.
     
  10. CoEfficientX

    CoEfficientX Fapstronaut

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    We all come into new relationships with baggage. I’m less concerned with a woman’s past than I am with where she is currently. Is she currently 100% ready for the relationship and has she learned from her past. I’m not convinced you have to reveal every detail about your past sexual history to a new love prospect. I do believe you owe it to the new person to have your own house in order. In other words your past is your past and won’t come back to possibly hurt the current relationship.
     
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  11. ebbndflow

    ebbndflow Fapstronaut

    An awesome perspective to keep in mind. I just responded to someone who likened promiscuity to "cheapening" and I realized how ridiculous I was being because I don't share that belief.

    I'm getting my house in order and taking care of my self, doing what makes me happy and that's what matters.
     
  12. CoEfficientX

    CoEfficientX Fapstronaut

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    I’ve learned a lot about myself lately. One of the things I’ve learned is that shame from our past can haunt our present and that’s not being fair to ourselves. I’m a believer that we should talk to ourselves the same way we would talk to a close friend who is going through a tough time. We wouldn’t beat them up if we knew they were truly trying to better themselves so we shouldn’t beat ourselves up either.
     
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  13. Banjaxed

    Banjaxed Fapstronaut

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    I agree with @CoEfficientX but would go even further and say that if a girl I was dating and liked explained her past and how she felt about it I would feel honoured that she trusted me enough to disclose that to me. I’ll admit I might also feel some pressure to measure up to her sexual track record but it wouldn’t put me off at all - in fact if she was trusting in me when he hadn’t all those other guys I might feel a bit special :D

    You have nothing to be ashamed or guilty of in my view - we all have the capacity to change and grow as we get older. All of us did things we regret when we were younger
     
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  14. ebbndflow

    ebbndflow Fapstronaut

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts about this. Truly encouraging
     

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