Ended 3 year relationship today (super long, possible triggers)

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by CMarie102, Jun 4, 2019.

  1. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

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    I'm not sure why I'm writing here... probably because I have no one else to talk to about this and I just want to get it all out there. Maybe I need validation, maybe it's my way to gain closure, I don't know.

    At any rate, here's my story...

    [The tl;dr version is that there was constant porn use, constant lying, PIED, multiple breakups with bargaining on my end and, ultimately, a devastating fetish that I feel might need to be brought to light].

    I first found out about my bf's addiction about a year ago. Very typical of other stories I've read on here...daily use, all day every day, at work, on bathroom breaks both at home and when out, pulling over in parking lots, when I'm asleep, after we have sex, friends over, doesn't matter.

    Lots of lies, from the beginning. We had been together almost 2 years at that point, and when we first got together we had conversations about our sexual interests, fantasies, porn usage. He flat out said he didn't like porn and hadn't even touched himself for 2 years because he was just too busy and focused on other things. I found that... somewhat unbelievable but didn't see why he'd need to lie, as I had already said I looked at porn every once in awhile and I wasn't totally against it, but he maintained his position. He would deflect questions about his fantasies by asking more about mine. Just didn't open up to me the way I was opening up to him. Red flag #1?

    Fast forward to dday. I'd had a feeling something was off for awhile..I'd ask if he had something he was keeping from me. Something he didn't like to talk about, something from his past, was there someone else, etc... He maintained that I was worrying for nothing and shouldn't listen to these "feelings" I was having, as they were so obviously wrong.

    Obviously, they weren't.

    When I found out (snooped because I felt like he was cheating and I needed proof as I was going mad), I confronted him, said how heart broken I was, how it was too much, how he had lied, it was too frequent and how much of the content concerned me (searches for tiny teens, porn games, lots and lots of hentai and fan fiction...huge red flags I should have never brushed aside). He said he'd stop. I believed him. The next day he said it wasn't fair of me to "make him" stop, and I had invaded his privacy. I was being judgemental. This is why he couldn't tell me, etc, etc. He turned the whole thing around on me.

    I bargained. Stop using at work. Stop using when I'm around. Stop lying to me. I can do that, he said.

    The next few months he developed ED and we could barely have sex, often having to stop midway through. I was convinced it was because of his porn usage. He swears it must be a medical condition. I try everything I can....sex shops for new toys and games, new lingerie, wigs, offer to try new things, whatever. He says I'm hot and it's not me...sometimes. Other times, he chastises me for wanting "only" sex and not being grateful and happy with foreplay. I ask him to just stop getting off for a week. He says he will, but probably doesn't. It doesn't improve.

    One night after a failed attempt, I wake up at 3am to him and his phone gone. He's in the restroom for almost an hour. I ask if he's okay when he comes back to bed, but I already know.

    I snooped again the next morning. Of course he was getting off to porn while I slept naked in his bed. He couldn't even keep his promise to not use it while I'm around.

    Confronted him again and he broke up with me for snooping. Called me a prude, said he can't do this anymore, I'm contolling his life, i'm disrespecting him, this is why he likes porn more than me....because it's easy. I'm so utterly devastated and felt so stupid.

    The stupidest part was that I STILL LOVED AND MISSED HIM. I ended up taking him back yet again. This time, the bargain was that he cut down to porn and getting off twice A DAY (can you believe that? ifc) and absolutely zero tolerance policy for any more lies. I also suggested counseling and told him I'd help him however I could. He admitted he might have a problem, but told me no more snooping. That if I ever doubted him and was tempted to snoop, to talk to him and we'd work through it.

    I clearly had no clue that I was enabling him this entire time and completely naive about the strength of his addiction.

    Fast forward to 4 months later. I haven't believed a word that's come out of his mouth for months. I assume he's lying about everything (the lies haven't been exclusively about porn), my feelings aren't the same, though I still feel as though I care about him and even still love him, but I keep him at arm's length emotionally. I learn more about porn addiction and start to realize he's in pretty deep, but I don't talk about it because it'll just upset him. It's an off- the table topic.

    He starts accusing me daily of cheating, needing to know where I am at all times (dude, I'm at work like I ALWAYS AM ON A MONDAY AT 9AM.... then send me pictures so I know...I comply so he'll leave me alone). I KNOW something is not right, but no longer have access to his computer because he took away my key for snooping that last time (yeah...). Plus, ugh, I really just do NOT want to snoop again. I ask him how he's been doing with the twice a day thing sometimes. He says he's doing great and proud of himself and he's really trying for me. I ask if I can see his phone once because I still wasn't feeling good about things and he held it the entire time... there was only one porn window open and he says that's just his go-to for his "me time". I don't believe any of it.

    At this point, he now starts arguments with me frequently and is just angry and a complete jerk a lot of the time. He tells me daily what a great guy he is, and how selfish I am. I am just living my daily life, doing nothing wrong, being there when he needs to talk, going over (admittedly less often than I used to), but he probably senses the distance I've created, plus I'm less interested in him sexually. I'm beginning to feel numb emotionally towards him at this point.

    I know this sounds weird, but I ask God, the universe, whoever or whatever to please just give me a sign, something so I can know for certain that leaving is the right choice. I feel silly for this now, because typing it out it's SO obvious, but I loved him and wanted to figure out a way to help him through this. I thought that maybe deep down he was still the great, caring, loving, emotional guy I fell in love with.

    Well, God, the universe, whatever or whoever didn't take long to grant my request. Two days ago he logged into my laptop because he needed to print out some forms. (He is going to counseling for work related stress and fmla, but I'm still glad he's going).

    He forgets to log out.

    It's all there, plain as day. Nothing has changed....still 8 times a day minimum every day....only....wait a minute.... what is this?

    Loli porn.

    I find out he's dived into primarily this, amongst other very taboo things. If you don't know what that is, don't research it... the context here will be enough, most likely. (They are animations, so it could've been worse, at least). My stomach turns thinking about what I saw and what he got off to. I didn't mention this before, but I'm older than him and I have young children. My thought process was this:

    AT BEST, he is a porn addict with a loli fetish and, even if he wants to change, it'll be a long road that will be potentially damaging to me and my kids, even MORESO because of his fetish. (We didn't live together, and he barely saw my kids purposely on my part, due to all of our issues).

    AT WORST, he is a pedophile (I happen to think this makes him one, anyway) and will someday act on those urges and bring actual physical harm to my children or any other children in my life or their lives. Potentially, this is one of the reasons he is dating an older woman with young kids even though his sexual tastes are obviously a lot younger. He's 27, btw. I'm over 35, but I'm petite, small chested and look a lot younger...which actually makes some sense now that I think about it.

    Either way, that was the wake up call I needed. I couldn't risk either of those scenarios, or any scenario in between.

    This morning, he called. I passive aggressively asked him if he's been honest with me about his porn usage. I should've just disappeared from his life, but I wanted to see for myself that he'd lie again without pause, which he did, of course. I told him he's still logged into my laptop and would he mind sitting with me and talking it through with me? Immediate anger, defensiveness, saying I have trust issues and "need to work on" myself. Which, to his credit, is probably true now more than ever. He refused to walk through it with me and asked me to log him out, which I did,I don't know why, but I didn't confront him about what I saw.. probably because I know it would be turned on me as a betrayal of his trust, which technically it was. I just told him it was over and I'd text him when I was ready to get my stuff from his house. Surprisingly, he calmed down and said he didn't want me to go and would miss me. I had nothing left to say, though. What started out as a porn addiction became something much darker at some point. Or maybe it was always there, I don't know.

    Lots more to the story, lots of manipulation and gas lighting, as is so often mentioned here. But he was sooooo wonderful in the beginning. I think I held onto that for the last year, and it was foolish. I also became like a crab in slowly boiling water... even seeing the loli I started questioning whether I was over reacting (no longer trusted myself), whereas if I had seen that initially, I would've been running out the door without a 2nd thought.

    I feel relief now, but also anxiety. Should I tell him that I know? Should I tell anyone close to him with young children? I don't know if he is sexually attracted to actual girls, but I know he looked up escorts and craigslist ads at different points, so it's clear that porn may not be enough for long, if he hasn't crossed that line already. The crazy thing is that I stil care for him and hope that he eventually realizes how much help he needs. I don't want his life ruined over this. Maybe his therapy sessions for stress will be the platform he needs. I actually mentioned nofap today just before our breakup, but it was a clear "no thanks." He was perfectly happy doing it all day, it doesn't affect him negatively, he only went down to twice per day for me, and it was a waste of his time because I didn't believe him anyway. (Hah). I truly think he has no clue at this point.

    Anyway, what should I do about the loli thing, if anything? I've considered telling his cousin, who he is closest to, but maybe it's best to leave it alone. What would you do? On top of that, I no longer trust my judgment and don't think I'll ever trust anyone to get close to me again, because they'd also have the opportunity to get close to my children.

    This really sucks. :/
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2019
  2. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry what you've had to go through with him. So sorry.. that was painful to even read.. this is just a quick reply bc I'm actually in hurry. I hope someone else here can help you with your question some way. I just want to send you lots of strenght!
     
    Butterfly1988 and CMarie102 like this.
  3. FollowYourBeard

    FollowYourBeard Fapstronaut

    @CMarie102 you are awesome, strong and smart! I'd say that you got your sign, just follow your guts. Break it for real, and if you feel safe about it tell him that this is an addiction and that he can reach out for example to this site and find help. You, on the other hand, must take care of yourself.

    He must want to stop to look for help. Breaking the contact might be the thing that will push him in this direction.

    About the loli, it's not as if he has child pornography. The addicted mind is looking for more and more exciting things to use, so we usually end up in some dark, deviant place. You know if, after a longer period of time of recovery, he'll get a bit better he might retrain his brain to a healthier one. But even then there shouldn't be any secrets from his site - the defensiveness and him making strong boundaries so you can't check his phone or laptop - he just can't have it. It's impossible for an addict not to be accountable and free from addiction.

    Moreover, not every man, and even not every addict in recovery will hurt you. You are strong and wise, and now you know not to ignore the red flags on the way. You can still be happy in a relationship.

    I admire you and wish you all the best!
     
  4. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry you're going through all this, but be proud you are strong enough to do what is best for you and your family. Don't doubt yourself. He has a problem and unless he wants help nothing you do will change that. It doesn't sound like he wants to get better, the lying, gaslighting and defensiveness scream that.
     
  5. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, guys. I really appreciate it.

    You know, even though I really don't think we could ever move past what I found, there was still a part of me that held out hope that he would come clean, ask me to stay, realize it's a problem, seek help, just be honest. Instead, even though he knew the truth, I was the enemy. Not porn. Me.

    I think he's probably happier, now, honestly. The one person who knew and tried to hold him back from what he loves is out of the picture.

    Maybe accountability was the purpose of me writing this all out....I couldn't look myself in the mirror and go back after putting it all out there. If I ever were to go back, it would have to be to a drastically changed man and a drastically changed relationship. Even then, I don't think it would be healthy for either of us.
     
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  6. Tafi

    Tafi Fapstronaut

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    @CMarie102 I am not surprised anymore ,I want to figure why women has less intelligence than men and why always choose a bad guy over a good guy(why choose someone to humiliate her and reject someone to respect her),Sigmund Freud was right when he said women is inferior than men.I just feel sad that in the past I cared for such creatures ,but the good thing is that now I knew that love(a woman) is a waste of time.
     
  7. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

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    I don't know what you're going through, but don't project that on me.
     
  8. FollowYourBeard

    FollowYourBeard Fapstronaut

    1. It has nothing to do with being less intelligent. Woman choose a mysterious or dangerous man because they are more desirable. Nice boys finish last, cause they suck. It's quite a shallow understanding of a complex issue, wouldn't you say?

    2. What do you mean that women are inferior to men? Based on the evidence I see I'd say it's not true.

    3. I hope you'll have a change of heart and open your eyes. Women are incredibly strong, capable, wise, and, which might perplex men, complex creatures. Totally worthy of awe.
     
  9. Tafi

    Tafi Fapstronaut

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    1-I never heard that wise people of the past era were women not men,in fact they were all men also the scientists were all men not women ,so yeah it proves they are less intelligent than men just in the early centuries from 200 or 300 years ago we started to see women scientists

    2- It's Sigmund Freud who said that not my mother!!!,read about that man (He is the father of psychology)


    3- it's total shit what you say,I never had a success story before,women say they want a caring person and someone to really love them and respect them but actually that's all fake and not true they want who humiliate them,also they say they love romance they never did
     
  10. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

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    In my case, he didn't seem mysterious or dangerous. He was very sweet, very understanding, very emotional when we first started. Not very experienced with women...I thought he was the nice guy. He just happened to lie a lot and I trusted for too long.
     
  11. Tafi

    Tafi Fapstronaut

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    Pardon Madame
     
    CMarie102 likes this.
  12. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

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    Sweeping generalizations aren't generally helpful or generally true...
     
  13. Tafi

    Tafi Fapstronaut

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    Maybe that issue of choosing bad not good guy is just of females in my age not the age you are in.But anyway be sure that girls in my age the most of them are wanting bad guy to humiliate them but actually I stopped caring I will never change from my personality to gain love or something like that,I will stay like I am and who want to love me love me as I am
     
    captainteemo likes this.
  14. FollowYourBeard

    FollowYourBeard Fapstronaut

    1. Intelligence is something you can check. If you want to get proof you must conduct research, not just look for confirmative information - what you've said is not a proof. 200 or 300 years ago women couldn't get an education. Didn't you know that? Beware, I'm like a dog with a bone, I'll chase illogic to the root.

    2. What are you talking? Have I mentioned your mother? You haven't answered my question, how are women inferior to men? I know who Freud is, and I'm somewhat shallowly acknowledged with his work. Part of it is enlightened, and part is about the penises. He is dead and I'm not talking with him, but you. If you want to bring his input into the conversation you must know it enough to defend it. I'm more of a Jungian kind of a guy anyways.

    3. I don't know what to say, partially, because I don't understand what you mean when you say that you've never seen a success story. I stand by what I said before about women.
     
  15. Tafi

    Tafi Fapstronaut

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    It's bad to be a feminist, one day you will change like I changed
     
  16. FollowYourBeard

    FollowYourBeard Fapstronaut

    I would engage in conversation with you if you'd like, but I see that you don't.

    For sure, I'm a bit a feminist, and it's great. I hope you'll reconsider being one yourself.

    Be well and follow your beard.
     
  17. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    This may be the most bizarre and unhelpful thing I have read all day. Wow.
     
  18. eoptda

    eoptda Fapstronaut

    hope you find a way to help the guy :c
     
    Tafi likes this.
  19. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

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    At this point, I don't know where to start and don't really feel equipped to. If I didn't have kids, I would try to stick it through and help him, but my first priority is them and myself.

    That said, if anyone here has guidance for this particular rabbit hole that he's going down (lolicon, shotacon, incest, all power imbalances basically), I may reach out to him after some time if I feel it could be helpful to him without being harmful to my family. I don't know. At this point I don't see it, (there are other pieces I'm putting together that point to true pedophilia), but I'm willing to keep a somewhat open mind.
     
    Tafi, FollowYourBeard and eoptda like this.
  20. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    It is not the SO's job to help the addict. Our recovery is our own responsibility, and having our SOs serve in the role of mother or babysitter is usually not very helpful to anyone involved.
     

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