Emptiness

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by ProdigalSon74, Aug 19, 2019.

  1. twistedshadows23

    twistedshadows23 Fapstronaut

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    Man, I really feel you on this one. It’s hard to keep moving forward when it doesn’t seem like it’s worth it or like you’re making any progress. What I’ve found very helpful for me is searching within myself and seeing if I can just be enough for myself. Yes relationships are important but they’ll never mean anything if you don’t have a good relationship with yourself.

    It’s important to remember that you don’t really need to “achieve” anything to feel whole. Billions of years of evolution have added up to this point where you are right now. Being alive is a miracle in itself and just by being alive you have already “arrived,” there’s nowhere else you need to go in life just to be yourself. I hope you find this helpful man sorry for rambling.
     
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  2. Enwar

    Enwar Fapstronaut

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    It's good to be active. Concerning finding a community, I know that it is hard; but, as you yourself know personally, it's necessary, and so I just encourage you not to give up.
     
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  3. ProdigalSon74

    ProdigalSon74 Fapstronaut

    I appreciate that. It’s just hard to know how to be myself because I don’t know what I want for my life. All I want at this point is to get off porn, but that could take forever.
     
  4. APK.

    APK. Fapstronaut

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    I know it is long, but please read it :), hope it helps

    Hi buddy this is my 25th day of NoFap, I hope a glimpse of my sorrow and emptiness being slain by the hands of God might help. The main cause of my feeling this way was that I never had a girlfriend in my entire life, I tried some but got rejected due to one reason or other. I read your post about you being alone and feeling lonely. I can really empathize with your situation. I am also a Christian, I felt the same. I have a lot of acquaintances but there was always a feeling of emptiness in my heart that I used to think can be filled by materialistic things in life; I tried a lot of things, going out for shopping buying new clothes, shoes and what not, going for eating outside everyday, played video-games, even went up to the extent of going on websites like Omegle, tried to cover the hole up by working extra hours, keeping myself busy, but all were in vain. I always used to feel that emptiness and I even cried out my fullest, constantly stating WHY ME? others are happy why not me, why I can't live a life without feeling empty. I even went into depression for about 1 month in June, 2018.

    During that period I was so depressed that, I didn't even wanted to eat and always felt like suffocating. I was feeling so empty lonely like no one would even care if I die and to be honest thought of committing suicide, but never had the guts to do so and thank God I was able to convince myself that times will change. Then a though occurred to me, why does one need a girlfriend, I then categorized the things a person does when he has a girlfriend and tried to mimic them all solely, like going to mall, movie etc. etc. I was happy at the beginning but then things started coming downhill. I started feeling empty alone again and again. I tried to read the Bible too, but the feeling of emptiness always used to dissuade me to do so and I ended up fapping 3-4 times a day. I got myself involved in extra work but that too like I said earlier was futile. Then came the month of August, 2019 when I had to go back to attend my 4th Year of College.

    I Thank God this Happened with Me:
    I used to have a lot of friends around me but this time when I entered my residence, everyone of them left to other addresses. New people came in, I tried to make acquaintances but since I was a senior, all the juniors (which were in majority) heisted to become my friend. I thought of making friends with the same year from different discipline but, since most of them were involved in drinking and smoking habit I avoiding them. Things were okay in the early days of the August, 19, since I already have an experience of living alone. So, I used to just come back from my class and lock myself away in the room with earphones on or go for work.Gradually as the days passed and after the first week passed, I started feeling lonely and empty again (I was not reading Bible at this moment). In order to avoid that situation which arose in June, 2018. I started to binge watch Anime. I still remember on 14th/15th of August, I was watching a romantic anime (not my genre, but since I was binge watching it did not even matter) and it came to an end. After, the anime ended I remember, I started crying on my situation (while comparing myself to the protagonist), that why i am so lonely, when will I get someone let alone a girl with whom I can share my feelings with whom I can trust, to whom I can look upto to whom I can share my happiness and sadness. That night I was very sad, I cried a lot my tears were not even stopping and I started questioning God about when will this sorrow and loneliness end in my life, when I will be able to live happily.

    On 16th of August, 19, like a millennial, in order to get the grip back on life. I started watching motivational videos once again but none helped. This became a turning point, I was scrolling by the videos on the youtube and came across few videos pertaining to Bible on Lonliness, one of the main video was a 3 minute video. The video explained how we are wired towards God and why should we be after him, and while I was seeing it I realized that I might have been doing it wrong in my entire 21 years of my life and suddenly few words from the Bible struck into my mind pertaining to how God is the sole person who is to be loved. After the video ended I realized, in my conscience, that the fact that the purpose of God keeping me separate was to love him because if I would have gotten a girlfriend then I would not have been able to love God as he deserved, I would have kept God as secondary (because, if I do something I do it to the fullest or leave it no mid way). After, the video ended I prayed to God calling on him to build our relationship. I still remember, that night while I was praying, I can't explain it in words, but I felt like being loved being cared about like never before, I had that smile on the face, due to internal happiness and feeling of fullness (truly!), which I thought was lost to the gloominess of loneliness while I was praying, I felt fullness and the need for someone was completely satisfied (truly!). Till day, I feel that way, whether I am alone or with a crowd of 1,000 people, I always feel that feeling of love, of being cared, of being surrounded in his cloth of fullness and love (Truly!). I have also stopped envying others because of their relationships and feel more positive and confident in front of them, because I get the feeling of being loved by God and no feeling of loneliness and emptiness arises within me every time I see a couple, like it used to before.

    These days I have started to hug my Bible while I am sleeping and as soon as I hug it, I feel being engulfed in feeling of warmth (literally!) In order to increase my relationship with him I have started reading Bible everyday and stopped masturbating from that day forth. It is not that temptations do not occur, but that I have a better choice of glorifying him than sexually gratification myself by masturbation. I have been able to successfully subdue my gratification for his glory for 25 days now and I hope that I will be able to do it for the rest of my life.

    I hope this helps you out as well and I'll pray for you that you also find your answer very soon. In case you need to have a word with me for anything, just say so. I will also be happy to talk to you, if you want. May God Bless You and Give you Peace.
     
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  5. twistedshadows23

    twistedshadows23 Fapstronaut

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    Id say that's a good place to start man. You don't have to know anything. Our society puts a lot of pressure on having goals and "becoming somebody" but you already are somebody. You're not gonna find yourself all at once but knowing that you wanna quit porn is a great first step. Once your head clears up you can look further than that. My advice would be a to pick something and stick with it. That's what im doing anyway. Im 8 days into my reboot so Im still super foggy, I have no idea what lies in the future and im not too worried about it right now. Right now quitting porn is the most important thing to me.
     
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  6. twistedshadows23

    twistedshadows23 Fapstronaut

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    And by finding yourself all I really mean is finding out what works for you and what doesn't work for you. Sounds like you've discovered that porn doesn't work for you.
     
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  7. Enwar

    Enwar Fapstronaut

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    That's a great thing, brother. I actually have a similar experience, although there are many differences. I still say that God made us to be social. We need to have human friends. When a horse is separated from other horses for an extended period of time, it will simply die, because it didn't socialize with other horses. Humans are the same way. A romantic relationship isn't necessary, but friends are. I hope that you keep this in mind. The friends don't have to come from your college, though: they can come from your church, your job, or any other place that you frequent. If you share a laugh with someone once, you just made a friend.
     
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  8. ProdigalSon74

    ProdigalSon74 Fapstronaut

    My problem there is usually my friends don't stick around. Most of them move on to other places. Hard to build tight friendships with people who don't stick around.
     
  9. browneyedguy

    browneyedguy Fapstronaut

    I honestly think that is just how people are these days. Many people are so consumed with themselves and if you’re not convenient for them, they lose touch and move on. I’ve had that experience many times with classmates, coworkers, and so on. I used to think it was me, but I found others have had similar experiences. So don’t take it personally. Society as a whole just doesn’t value connections as much as they used to.

    I’ve been following this thread since I can relate to a lot of things mentioned here. Keep working on being the best version of you that you can be and you will be surprised at how things work out. I’m sure you’re skeptical of that but take it from someone who struggled with those feelings for years.
     
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  10. Enwar

    Enwar Fapstronaut

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    What you've said here is probably true. I myself am certain that most of the loneliness that many people suffer today is caused by various conditions of modern society.

    Your job is probably the most reliable place to find long-time friends, although church could be a good place as well.
     
  11. APK.

    APK. Fapstronaut

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    Buddy like I said I have a lot of friends.. even one or two (that close friend) for whom I can die for (literally !). I didn't say this earlier but I also tried to stay with them so that the feeling of emptiness might pass be it in college with them or going on drive after college or eating or any other thing. I even called them at 2 am in the morning and we went for a drive and came back the other day but somewhere I felt that emptiness back then, inside of me. I even shared my problem with my best friend.. he said, "why do you say all such Stuff I dont care about others but I'm here for you forever" his words though soothed me yet emptiness never left me. It is not that I'm an introvert I do public speaking and can talk to anyone I want and make good acquaintances with them or nurture friendship with them. I like usually did, be it in coffee house or while travelling etc etc back then to avoid the feeling of emptiness. Don't worry I'm not a social addict either, I have deactivated my FB long ago and dont even use other social apps (never tried one except Instagram which I deleted later on), whatsapp being an exception due to work.
     
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2019
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  12. Enwar

    Enwar Fapstronaut

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    Cool. That's good to hear.
     
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  13. ProdigalSon74

    ProdigalSon74 Fapstronaut

    Yesterday wasn’t too bad. Aside from a bad relapse, I was able to get out with some friends and I had a good time.
     
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  14. APK.

    APK. Fapstronaut

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    It is alright, relapses happen, especially when you are trying to quit an addiction. I hope you remember, next time, what made you relapse so that you do not do it again. Aak forgiveness and strength from God, so that you might be having strength to resist the temptation.

    It is good to hear that you went with your friends outside. You can try other stuff(s) as well.
     
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  15. ProdigalSon74

    ProdigalSon74 Fapstronaut

    Yeah. Tried to get out tonight, but not much going on. Don’t really have a lot of people who are free to call on.
     
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  16. APK.

    APK. Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, it happens ! I try to spend time while working. By the way are you in college or are working ?
     
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  17. ProdigalSon74

    ProdigalSon74 Fapstronaut

  18. PoloMarco

    PoloMarco Fapstronaut

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    Hey Mate,
    I'm just going to tag your original post because I very much identified with it. In October of 2018 I realized I was depressed. I was making positive changes in my life, but just not feeling good about them. I moved into a large apartment, got a job I liked, and had a caring girlfriend. Still I was just all around bummed.

    Actions steps for you to consider:
    1. See a professional.
    I went and talked to my primary doctor, told him how I was feeling, and he gave me an assessment that said I was suffering from moderate depression. This sounds a lot like you. You're able to function, have friends, meet people, and go to social events; but those events and connections just do not fulfill you and you don't get what you want from them no matter how 'perfect' they may seem and no mater how much they match what you actually want to do. Some folks have mentioned anti-depressants. I was prescribed an anti depressant called bupropion. It is used to help people quit smoking, and also is a "lighter" anti-depressant with fewer side effects and no sexual side effects. I think you should be talking to a professional.

    2. Start committing to NoFap
    Whether or not you get onto anti-depressants NoFap/No PMO will definitely help you feel more driven in life. You'll have more energy and won't have the feeling of "drained." You're literally draining your energy when you PMO, and you're not able to exchange that energy with anyone because it is just you and a non-human screen. I would estimate that it will take you ~90 days to start truly no fapping, and another ~90 days to be completely PMO free. In 6 months you'll start to be a completely different person.

    3. Make friends during NoFap
    At first this will be hard. But with doing NoFap you'll be able to do things that are hard, because NoFap in and of itself is very difficult for guys that have grown up in the internet P generation. Ask the people in your religious group what they do for fun. Go do that with them. Everyone eats, right? Have them over for dinner. Expand the ways you connect with them, and also be willing to distance yourself and focus on your own hobbies.

    4. Reframe your thinking: What value can you offer them?
    Most of the time you're probably thinking, "what can I get out of this friendship?" or "this group isn't giving me what I want."
    I encourage you to reframe this, and instead think "what can I add to this group that will make it a place I want to be?" and "I am X type of person, I would make a good friend to [X other person]. If you give what makes you unique to people, they will be more receptive and they'll show you who they are. From there you can easier decide what kind of friend they can be to you and whether you want to enjoy more time with them. Hope that makes sense. You reap what you sow. If you plant the seed of "these are not my friends" well guess what? They'll never be your true friends. If you plant "I build relationships with people, and my relationships can become great friendships" guess what will happen then.

    In Summary: Actively deal with your depression, and use nofap to augment your strength. I have another post recently made that explains how exactly I got started with NoFap, and what actionable steps I took to get to 100% No PMO. Check my profile if those concrete steps interest you.

    Good luck man.

     
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  19. Baduser

    Baduser Fapstronaut

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    Im going to read all the replies later because i think i can learn from other people.

    Its so easy to fill your empty life with downloading and watching porn.
    Im working on myself for the last 4/5 weeks and yesterday i gave in to downloading watching porn and fapping.
    It felt great, I did not feel empty inside. But now im back to that same spot yesterday and it would be so easy to do the same thing as yesterday cause it gave me pleasure.

    I watched alot of stuff like TED talk and motivation videos that give me good vibes and keep me away from the wrong stuff.
    I would recommend trying to watch this kind of stuff and go on long walks outside. Its so much more fun then being inside.

    I force myself to be among people.
    Walk through large groups and even tho im not talking at them it feels great to be with other people.
    Force yourself do to more things outside cause inside is the addiction and loneliness.

    Next thing i would do is if you have a job to try if you can ask your collegues if they want to do something fun with you. The best thing is to go do something that is outside of your comfort zone.

    Im thinking about setting up a project for young people to get more outdoors (stay away from social media, games, tv) and to combine that with older people who are lonely.

    I hope i helped you a little bit with this and just think when you are lonely you are not alone. We got your back in hard days brother.
     
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  20. ProdigalSon74

    ProdigalSon74 Fapstronaut

    Do anti-depressants work in this case? Cause I feel like because of the porn its different than someone being diagnosed with clinical depression as a mental condition. Also, did you have to come clean to your doctor as to the cause of the depression?
     

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