Dude, Stop! aka my first real try at escaping all this crap aka my journal.

Discussion in 'Uncategorized Reboot Logs' started by JohnnyCashier, Mar 2, 2018.

  1. JohnnyCashier

    JohnnyCashier Fapstronaut

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    Welcome, good to see you here, dear friend. Dunno how to start this... some information I suppose: I'm a 16 y.o. guy from Hungary (Please for the love of God, don't make that joke, thank you), I've been struggling with porn addiction since 2013, and with "sissy hypnosis" since 2015. On the other side of the table I'm having to deal with moderate poverty and crippling loneliness. This probably all sounds quite worrying but I already had my fair share of fighting with depression and I've come out victorious, so no suicidal thoughts as far as the eyes can see. It's not the same story regarding self doubt, however as starting my PMO is part of my decision to try and become an allround better person, as it involves quitting my addictions, but in eleven days I've relapsed 3 times already.
    I'm currently on my 4th day of PMO, and it's my 4th try, still going strong, but I've noticed that I simply don't have enough willpower to do my daily tasks besides doing PMO. For example, I can not wake up early, I sleep well over 10 hours a day but still, I have trouble getting out of bed or I'm unable to simply sit down and learn for mondays' tests, and so on. I wonder if that's going to change any time soon. Anyways, good to have you here, and remember:
    If you know anything that could be helpful, feel free to leave a comment, or whatever you please.
     
    Maninsearchofasoul likes this.
  2. Ethernet cable

    Ethernet cable Fapstronaut

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    You can consider getting an accountablity partner (I'm 15 years old turning 16 next month so if you want send me a pm). Otherwise you can make a post here. I joined 2 weeks ago and only made it to 5 days (today I relapsed). Regarding the willpower thing, I experience something similar. I'd like to do a lot of things but they require me to focus really hard and I just can't because I have a constant urge that doesn't allow me to think clearly. But, for what I've read on the Success Stories section, you eventually gain more energy and archieve your daily goals. It's hard tho
     
    Maninsearchofasoul likes this.
  3. JohnnyCashier

    JohnnyCashier Fapstronaut

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    6th day on hard mode: Keep pulling trough strong. I do believe in success even though I thoughts about going back to see "just one" often invade my mind but I'm NOT going to fail. I am better than that.

    Not sure where to put this so I'll just note it right here. I believe I found the key to success. I don't know if anyone will read this, so I should probably post it somewhere else, but still, it's my journal, so I'll just note it here:
    The single best tactic against relapsing is true conviction.
    This conclusion is the result of my long-lasting contemplation about the true nature of the universe, about the meaning of life and the importance of ethics in our seemingly chaotic and incredibly quickly changing world and societies. For a long time I had all sorts of questions regarding the world around me, and don't get me wrong, I'm still nowhere close to anything resembling a final answer but I believe that I found a view of everything, which can be very useful when battling self doubt and all sorts of addictions.
    I was raised in a loosely Christian family, but as I learned about the church, I started to question it. When I reached the point where the locals couldn't give me a logical answer, I turned towards science. I was never particularly good at social interaction, so I was mostly bullied and alone, and the fact that I'm an only child raised on a farm 20kms from the nearest city didn't help much. Well, things escalated from there as I got an internet connecton and found porn at the age of 12, but somehow logical thinking never really left my side, as for a long time, my lifegoal was to know everything as if that was possible. In the past couple of years I was struggling with loneliness, financial problems (as my family was (and is still) going through though times) all the while excelling in school, and finally a couple months back I reached a deadlock in my life. I was in a very dark spot. I was hating money, society, people (especially stupid individuals) and even myself. I often thought about suicide, I was watching porn and masturbating more than ever I was hooked to sissy hypno videos and all sorts of sissy related media, and I almost obtained a drinking habit (we have a very strong liquor called pálinka over here which is really easy to access as it's there in almost every household), and I simply couldn't find a reason behind all this. Then I came to the realization that life (as we know it) is completely pointless. We didn't ask to be born, we never learned the rules of this game and yet we are still here. Having to live a life, having to make something out of it and then die like everyone else. I tried to look for a reason in all of this.
    And I found there was none. On a grand scale not even life's ultimate biological goal of sustaining itself by replicating its genome over time has a point because as we drift towards the eventual heat death of our universe, life will become unsustainable at some point so all our lifes are meaningless, all our actions, our mistakes and mishaps will be forgotten at some point. Literally the only thing lasting after a person for ever is the overall amount of raise in entropy they caused in the universe. And we can't do anything against that. Occam's philosophical razor suggest there's nothing more than what we can measure. No afterlife, no reincarnation, no heaven nor hell. Literally nothing. Maybe not even a God. And if there's a God still, he simply doesn't care because he understands that it doesn't matter. That's the so called complete freedom. So on the level of the individual (you and me) a suicide would be meaningless as well, so why don't we have fun and just enjoy ourselves while we're here, right? As I had to find out, I was unable to do that, because there was a very real sense of justise inside me as I couldn't (and still can't) "not care" about stuff and enjoy myself while I caused harm to others, which turned into a moral dilemma for me. I couldn't feel good about myself knowing that I cause harm to others.
    Finally I had to consult one of my elder teachers about the topic in order to move forward. Amongst other things he pointed out the importance of forgiving ourselves. He mentioned that there's no use in always looking back and wishing we would've made our life choices differently. In fact we can never even be sure that the choice we made was good or bad, because we can never experience what it would be to go back and choose differently. We can only dream about it, which is not even close to reality. Also on that note he gave me the advice to live my life in a way that instead of focusing on my past mistakes, I do everything I can in order to make my next decision better, while I seek the few beautiful moments every day.

    I tried it BUT it simply didn't work for me as I sruggled to find motivation in order to perform my daily tasks as I felt like they didn't matter in the long run. So I dug deeper in philosophy and I found my own solution: Friedrich Nietzsche's Übermensch or Overman in English. This is an idea, a sort of reason to live if you will. There's at least three interpretations of his idea but the purest one goes like this. The Overman by itself is a person who excells over the regular men by all means. Be that physical strength or simply mindfulness. He's Nietzsche's vision of human excellence. So one's goal should be to become an Overman himself. To try outdoing himself, and be the best that one can possibly be, then overachieve on that and strech his limits on what he thought was possible before. Not because he needs to do any of this, but because he knows that he is the one benefiting from it.
    I'm writing this to all of you out there fighting with porn addiction and especially for those of you out there struggling with sissy related stuff because I know that those kind of videos often rely on making the viewer feel ashamed or guilty. I have stumbled upon this ideology 4 days ago, and it has given me a seemingly endless supply of strength so far, and I'm really sure that I can get out of this sinkhole.
    So your best shot to become an Overman is by:

    1. Forgiving yourself for your actions in the past. This is where it all roots from as you need to stop blaming yourself for all of this. It doesn't really matter what you have done (Not on a cosmic scale, for sure) so there's no reason to blame yourself for it. Instead, focus on doing greater things from now on.
    2. Overachieving, simply doing more than necessary be that anything from learning an extra page or chapter to jogging to the grocery store instead of simply walking there. Anything counts That you didn't need to do, but did anyway. The greatest thing is, quiting porn is overachieving by itself as by doing it you have already surpassed 90% of the people you meet daily.
    3. Looking back at your extra work with pride, which grants you self confidence as You have done these things while the masses didn't.
    4. Believing in yourself. Once you know that you're on the right path and that you are doing this for yourself you can get free from anything
    5. Know that this will be hard without any immediate reward. It's especially important for you not to give in to your urges in the darkest hours of your life as that's the biggest difference between the Overman and everyone else. Just as humans excel amongst the animals due to their ability to overwrite their instincts, the Overman excels amongst humans by controlling his urges and cravings for his own good. Also this is exactly what you can be proud of later.
    6. Change your life for the better. Maybe magic isn't real after all, but emotions are certainly real so try and build your life on healty emotions, do things because you benefit from doing them and if you have deep emotional problems, try and fix them 'coz that's what leads to a better life in the long term. Check out more help or informatoin online if you need it. The world may not be yours (but there's always a) YET.
    As with me, I only recently discovered the importance of emotions and emotional health as I was always only caring about mental well being before. I'm actively trying to improve the situation, however by wrapping up years of problems with my parents, regularly visiting a therapeutist with my mother while also trying to reconnect with people in real life. I'm also trying to improve other ways of my life, but I'm certain that once I get the foundatoin of the whole thing right, I'll be able to fullfill my dreams. Even if they only matter to me. :D
     
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2018
    Maninsearchofasoul likes this.
  4. Maninsearchofasoul

    Maninsearchofasoul Fapstronaut

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    Jó reggelt kívánok. Éhes vagy?

    Ok just kidding but I kinda like your philosophy there, it's hard to find meaning and purpose in nihilism and I hope that works for you. Keep going strong and update us on how you are doing.

    Jó?
    Cheers
     
  5. JohnnyCashier

    JohnnyCashier Fapstronaut

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    And I've managed to reset.

    I'm not proud of it.

    But it's not a relapse. No, my friend, it's not. Now that I've been in heaven for a mighty 39 days, I want to go back there. And nothing can stop me, not even Lucifer himself as I have became stronger, more resiliant and richer in spirit! I am bound to get back even if the kingdom of heaven is reserved for the poor! Oh no my friend, this is not a relapse. This is just a detour taking me trough the second circle of hell.
     
  6. Maninsearchofasoul

    Maninsearchofasoul Fapstronaut

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    Nice to see you back, truly. You are absolutely right, and I like your commentary on relapse/detour, and making the distinction.
     
  7. JohnnyCashier

    JohnnyCashier Fapstronaut

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    It's been a long journey towards freedom. It's been a long night. I've learned a lot about myself along the way, and it's remarkable that I've come this far. And even now. Now that I've became a giant and on the verge of a new life, I still falter near this now tiny boulder that is this terrible addiction. But after every fall comes a new stand and a new march towards happiness. And you shall not forget that the the way you've done, always stays behind you...

    Honestly, It's been great that I've achieved my longest streak yet /starting on 2018.09.04 ending today, 2018.10.27./. My whole perception shifted on the topic of addiction, especially on porn and internet addiction. Unfortunately, today when I'was 6 feet deep in my personal life searching for the root of all remaining my problems, -the regular stuff, why do I feel lonely, why do I think that I have noone when I clearly have a lot of friends, you know how it goes- when I reached the disgusting truth I felt like I just can't help it. I became real anxious and went back to porn to ease my nerves. Until orgasm. And right now, 5 minutes later I'm sitting here, writing this message to you as I know that I'm not alone neither in my problems nor in the world and I just know what to do to help the situation. To start over. Coz I'm trying again starting now and I simply know that I will reach further on my way. On my way toward happiness.

    Thank you for being here. I need to go now, a new possibly even longer streak awaits me! I don't want to miss it..
    I wish you all the best!
     

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