Don't worry about being alpha

Hi Headspace,

There is a lot of chatter on this site about the "alpha" and "beta" personalities. The reality is, these distinctions in real life are not this black and white. Everyone has a mix of qualities from each category. Typically men who flaunt their "Alpha Male" traits are the most insecure. I think we need to throw these concepts out the window and think of recovery not with "Alpha Male" as the end goal, but feeling good about yourself no matter who you are as the end goal. Confidence and self esteem are really what is important. Not striving to place yourself in an imaginary category!

Just some thoughts,

-None

 

To add to this.... the description of Alpha, and Beta are the worst pop psuedo pyschology.

I went to study this some time ago. The terms comes from one study of a particular breed of wolves. But it's been wildly overturned, and even in the dog world does not apply, despite many peoples use of it.

Social scientist would tell you that the concept of 'alpha' is too generic for human beings, and doesn't look at the people or the circumstances they are in.

Still the terms have caught on like wild fire, because it fits what we feel like. We think there is someone that is 'more man' or 'more leader', and figure it's alpha. It fit this idea that we who have or had low self esteem think there is a 'better' or 'best' version of our gender out there, and we feel less for not being that. The whole idea is wrong.

As was mentioned, often in many situations the most out going individual or most assertive is actually seeking validation from the attention they might get, or from their friends. But they can also just be genuinely outgoing, and friendly, and comfortable in the circumstances they are in. We men that work out in the gym often get into a trap of wanting to look like 'Thor' or 'Khal drogo', because we think that all will bow before us, and legs will automatically uncross. However, those that train often have to deal with the fact, that looking Big often comes at the prices of 'endurance'. Even more confusing, there are people with amazing power, that you might think were 'fat'. Even the actors possessing those amazing attributes, are still human beings, and no more lucky and successful at all things. If you talked with them, you would see that they don't know how to hold a relationship longer, or perhaps they wish they could run a 10k, or that they are uncomfortable with the attention they get. You would see that they have to have people manage their money, and negotiate contracts for them, because they don't know how to fight that fight. Again, their life isn't simpler because they 'look alpha'.

In any case, 'alpha' is just a trick of perception. If you don't feel like you need to speak up in a social setting, don't force yourself. Being leader, or boss isn't any fun either. You can't control people. Those with children know this. You can watch them, shape them, scream & yell at times, but they are still going to do what they want to do. Being a leader of a social group of 400, I can say I never try to control or push an agenda with them. I'm just a conduit to organize things they might be interested in, and speak up to try to meet new people. I don't get paid or any special recognition for this. Instead it's just something I feel comfortable doing, and rewarded by trying (and I'm not anything 'alpha').

I will offer this, in my past relationship, I tried to overcompensation for not 'feeling alpha', by being the best 'beta' I could be. I thought if I could earn more money than those around me, and be more providing, that I could achieve better balance with a woman. She would 'need' me. I won't re-post my story here, as it's out on the forums, but I can honestly say that kind of compensation was flawed and stupid, and it brings the wrong chemistry. It opens yourself up to the worse manipulation.

I hate when people told me 'be yourself'. It seemed to lack any usefulness as a plan of action. However, if you can stop trying to compare yourself to those around you, and stop worrying about your value, or getting someone to pay attention to you to get validation of your value, you will be so much happier, come across more confident, and will find it easier to talk to possible sexual partners, and there by be perceived more 'alpha'. So ya, (sigh), 'be yourself'.

 

Motivating post . Thank you for sharing this .

Someday ...

 

Agreed.
Alpha and beta is all a load of washed hogs. I think the mindset can be pretty damaging or limiting to a lot of people, and it should be abolished.

 

Oh man thank you for your share, I needed kind of this today so much.

Also think, no I'm pretty fucking sure that this 'alpha & beta' thing is just the same popculture shit that developing
some kind of body for women or metrosexual / lumbersexual / whothefuckknowssexual look for men. It's so damaging and should be banned. And I'm also fighting it in myself ( yes, two days ago I red about another kind of male - The Omega Male ).

 

There is some truth to alpha and beta. A lot of us might dismiss it, but there are certain qualities that fall within that spectrum. Yes sure, you might perceive those people who want to act alpha as alpha but they are not really alpha because they are doing it out of insecurity.

Know this though, watching porn is one of the most "beta" things you can do. Its essentially you jerking off to someone other guy pleasing the woman you desire. The modern term is "cuck". It is weak.

 

Hmmmmmm, I don't think so
Porn is not about women being pleased, nor would they find it pleasing. Most of the time they would be in physical or emotional pain. Pornesqe sexual encounters are not something I desire.

I do agree with you though. Watching porn is not manly.

 

Except your brain doesn't care about this logical rationalisation. It seeks any form of arousal. It thinks its them getting pleased, doesn't matter if its faked.

But yeah, jerking off to porn is beta.

 

Yes, this is true.
Porn stops you from being the best version of yourself. I don't think of 'alpha' as meaning best version though. The best version of each person is a very unique set of characteristics. Because everyone is so different and everyone has something to offer that nobody else possibly can.

 

I agree.

One misunderstanding everyone seems to have about being "alpha" is that its the same thing for everyone i.e. being a douchebag. There is "alphaness" sold in internet products which have completely ruined the meaning of it. Its more a stereotype and a marketing term right now.

Which is obviously not true.

Alpha is a set of traits, a mindset if you will. From my perspective, it usually consists of leading, dominant (not domineering), someone who focuses on himself, sets boundaries and demonstrates vulnerability.

Alpha male is more of an idea of a leader of a tribe, rather than a douchebag everyone here seem to think he is. The 18 hour coding guy in silicon valley is the an alpha of that space for example.

We could also discuss it in terms of male/female dynamics but that is a slightly different story.

 

The 18h coding guy from Silicon Valley isnt the alpha. Such term as alpha is pure stupidity. Either beta. No one is alpha either beta.

The mentality of people being better than others is what fucks things up. I'm sick of this cuckold stories by the way. Really, you guys think are building a good rational thinking in here but can't allow yourselves to get out of the terms or the main paradigm.

You think you're alpha? Know what? Fuck you!

 

I want to stop you there for a moment.

Yes, there is the alpha, doesn't mean the other are beta. Its a false dichotomy because if you aren't one you might be the other.

Also you would be denying one of our basic realities.

The mentality isn't the problem. I'm not sure how it is. All throughout the world there is a meritocracy. People are better than others. You deny that, you deny yourself of actually getting better.

This is why people earn more, they have more friends, they have more woman attracted to them, they win more at the things they are good at etc.

Now if someone can back this up, then why is he wrong? If someone tells me "I'm smarter than you" and he belongs at mensa or the triple nine society, he is simply stating a truth you might be uncomfortable with.

If hes good at achieving a certain result, he is worth learning from and modelling. Will save you a ton of ache. Whether you call him the leader or the alpha or the best in this space, the terms are interchangeable.

You are truly the best at what you do, then if someone claims to be "alpha" or on your level, you simply laugh. It wouldn't be pointless getting annoyed.

 

Yes, good point. But being the alpha doesn't make you better either. I'm Beta and alpha at the same time, just as you do? :S

I have friends, car, family, work as a ceo in a company...woah, I'm alpha! But I wish I could be beta in some aspects.