Done and dusted for him but not for me.

Hi All,
I'm not sure if it's okay to write here because we broked up year ago and I'm not 100 % sure he was /is addicted to porn or not.
If it's not okay writing here please let me know.

At this stage I would like to apologies for bad grammar, interpunction and spelling. English isn't my first language.

We are not together for so long and like in the title it's all done and dusted for him but not for me. Maybe because I didn't get all the answers I needed. I'm still very confused about why it all happened , the way it ended. Or maybe like my ex told me I'm crazy and overreacting.

I'm not new to this forum.I found you year ago.Since that I'm here on daily basis.
I follow your posts and journals.I didn't post much but I lerned a lot from you and this forum in general . You are ALL amazing and unbelievable strong in your battles for love.
Unfortunately I'm not like you. It's over 1 year from the DDAY and over 1 year from the day we broked up but still I can't pull my shite back together and move on.
I made some progress but I'm very very far from recovery yet. It feels like all this happened just yesterday. Endless nightmare.
I have no support from friends. I have nobody to talk.I'm on disability allowance due to PTSD ,adjustment disorder , depression.I was hospitalised twice last year .I'm on strong meds .It helps keep me away from hospital alright but can't save me from my pain.
So if you are fine with me writing here I will continue. Please let me know.
Greetings.
A.

 

Quinn, thank you very very much for your reply and encouragement.
My friends expressed some sympathy when we broked up, but they couldn't understand or want to understand why I reacted in such a extremely way to something that small, common and unimportant like love of my life watching porn. Thy couldn't understand why I'm making such a big deal.
Unfortunately there is no supporting groups for people with betrayal trauma in the country I live (West Europe ).Health system is a joke here anyway. I have meetings with psychiatrist on the regular basis but waiting to see psychologist for more than 6 months. Can't afford private.

 

My ex insisted that he is not a PA.(Till today I'm not 100 %sure he was or he wasn't)Anyway he had ED, DE and Death Grip. His eyes were always closed.He blamed stress, his age and etc. I believed him. I never suspectd porn is a reason.We are not together since the end of May 2017.We broked up 2 months after DDay.
We were together 2 and half years.
He was my everything. I trusted him. I made life changing decisions because of us.I putted my life in his hands. I was so in love and loved him truly. I let him be a member of my family.
I believe whothever he said. He MADE me believe he is THIS SPECIAL GUY with morals and ethics. Fucking Unicorn! He was sending me handwritten love letters then beautiful text messages and emails. He complemented me all the times. It was about how hot / beautiful I'm, how inteligent and funny and how I care about people . Just like heaven.
He made me believe that I'm the "only one girl in the world ." He putted me on pedestal(He didn't need b/c I'm very self aware. I felt so relaxed around him with make up or without. Dressed up or in my pyjamas he was repeating himself how super Sexy I'm and he has full package "body and soul "
He introduced me to the Irish band and we played it song "We don't need anybody else " over and over.
DDAY for me was like the end of the fucking world. I couldn’t believe. I couldn’t and still can't proceed why he was telling all of this sweet bullshit(I didn't even ask for ). Why he lied to me? Why he was fapping to the other women when I was even" more than enough " for him? He insisted he is not a PA and it's nothing to do with me. Sure it wasn’t about me! It was all about fucking porn stars !
But why he did it to me?
Why he made me believe in "Body and Soul " crap ?
I can understand that PA is an illness and it has nothing to do with how atracctive or not SO is.
But he insisted that he is not a PA! So why he needed wank to the porn when I was almost all the time available? Despite his DE ,ED and Death Grip I always wanted him. I always wanted to be close in sexual and not sexual way with my special, solid man with my everything.
I'm crying now and I have to stop writing .
It's over the year now but I didn't make any progress. I even can't express myself in this journal. I'm hopeless case.