Doing nofap for better sex

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by t1234, Dec 6, 2018.

  1. t1234

    t1234 Fapstronaut

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    I am 23F and have been sexually active for about 6 months.
    I have never had an orgasm during sex and have only had an orgasm with my boyfriend twice which was after sex using a vibrator.
    I have become so numb that even the vibrator didn't feel good.

    I have been MO'ing since very young just unaware of what i was doing.
    Started watching porn at about 11.
    I have been doing it everyday since anywhere between 2-15+ times. Usually averaging about 4 times.

    Currently I am on day 3.
    Had urges but nothing major. On day 2 I had a dream I was masturbating and then I woke up. I have had orgasms in my sleep before but it didn't reach that point.

    My goal in doing this is to actually experience good sex. I feel bad for my boyfriend who puts in so much effort but i can hardly feel anything.
    I can tell it puts a negative tone to the sex because I am not having an orgasm and we both want it so bad.

    Just want to track here for support and to keep somewhat of a journal.
     
  2. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    I was going to ask, "did it not feel good or did it not feel much at all?"
    That's very young. But there are plenty who have started that young and younger.
    That's a lot.But there are plenty who have averaged that and more.
    If that is your goal, perhaps you need to re-evaluate what your goal is. You need to do this for you; not him. This behavior has been etched into your brain. Read and research here. You'll find that you are the single most important reason to do this, and absolutely nobody else. The boyfriend just gets the benefit of your recovery.
    Maybe you don't put so much emphasis on orgasm and put more on intimacy. This is a great place to track and watch and read up on your progress by viewing your history.

    I'm glad you're here. I'm excited you're young and have the prime of your sexual life to look forward to. Let's make sure you focus on what's important. That is, do this and do it for you. Nothing else or nobody else. You must do this for yourself.

    Also, if you haven't already, look to set aside 90 days of abstinence to clear your head. The three components of masturbation (magnitude, frequency, and duration) all are big components of your sexual/pornography addiction. You haven't explicitly said so, but are you still into pornography as well? Or has that subsided since having sex with your boyfriend?

    I would also you suggest reading this book:

    "Out of the Shadows" by Dr. Patrick Carnes
    https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1568386214/ref=ox_sc_act_title_1_1_5?smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER&psc=1
     
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  3. t1234

    t1234 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for replying!

    When I would use the vibrator it was just very numb and I would have to try and create scenarios in my head to try and get there.

    I would get much closer to orgasm with porn than ever with my boyfriend to the point where I almost wanted to watch porn before having sex without him knowing so I would be turned on enough.

    The porn is an issue because of the negative effect but I don't see it as an issue to abstain from it. It is more MO'ing that will be the challenge.

    I will try put less emphasis on having an orgasm, but I guess I just want to feel more in general. Enjoy the littlest of touches and have it be really intimate.
     
  4. Lively gr of yesterday

    Lively gr of yesterday Fapstronaut

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    well welcome hope you suceed
     
  5. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    OK, now I understand. You have overstimulated your vagina and/or clitoris to the point where it takes an inordinate amount of physical stimulation to provoke a reaction in your brain. That is a common theme, in much the same way it is for men with "Death Grip" (where men grasp their penis so tightly and more often than not without lubrication, that the head of their penis becomes numb to the sensations that a vagina and/or oral stimulation would otherwise produce). Consequently, they get nothing out of the experience).
    That too is also very common. I would absolutely refrain from doing that. What you are effectively doing is training your brain to where you will require pornography to ever have sex to the point of orgasm. It works much the same way as women you know who rock their baby to sleep. That isn't for the baby. That's for the Momma. The baby will fall asleep when it gets tired enough no matter how much the scream, cry, pitch a fit, or what have you. But when you rock the baby to sleep every time it takes a nap or goes to sleep for the night, you have conditioned the baby to respond to that stimuli to go to sleep. You have conditioned your brain to respond to the behaviors that lead you up to getting an orgasm. And I understand it. Everybody wants an orgasm. It feels so damned good. But if you can learn to forego the orgasm for intimacy, in time, you'll retrain your brain to respond to the intimacy. And when you get there, I assure you, an orgasm from intimacy is much more powerful, mush more enjoyable, and much more meaningful. There is a lot of brain science behind it, but that's a simple analogy.
    Uh, not so fast young lady. You've been doing it for a very long time including pre-puberty. You have also been doing it for multiple times a day for years and years. Don't underestimate the power of this addiction. It does have much more power over you than you ever give it credit for. May I suggest you look for the 90 days as a goal, but shoot for just one day at a time approach. It's not that I don't think you will have a failure between now and then. I know you will. I know of no one that hasn't. So don't be too disappointed if you fail along the way. We just get back up on our feet, dust ourselves off, and get back in the saddle and go again. One day at a time. And if you are successful today, tomorrow, we get up, and go one day at a time. Set your bar for the number of days you were successful. And once you reach that bar, double it. If you make it to 12 days, double the bar to 24. And then when you try to reach 24, and you fail at 19, that's your new bar. Set it at 19 days. And when you reach 19, double it to 38. Get the picture? Don't focus so much on "I'm going to do a 90 day reboot" as much as "Just for today".
    Now, you're talking! That's the idea. If you work on intimacy and forego the sex and orgasm, trust me, the sex will come, and so too will you!

    Any questions?
     
  6. t1234

    t1234 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for all that information.
    I’ll just take it one day at a time and keep you updated!
     
  7. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    That's the ticket my lady! You're doing wonderful!
     
  8. t1234

    t1234 Fapstronaut

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    Just a little update -

    Day 4 - had little to no urges which was a change from the first 3 days. Did have a sexual dream that I was masturbating though.

    Day 5 - had oral sex with boyfriend which already felt a lot better. Usually I feel very little and it is almost uncomfortable to receive oral but I enjoyed it although did not orgasm.

    Day 6 - had urges today as I would usually PMO after going home from having sex with my boyfriend.
    I find I keep edging but hands free. I refuse to touch myself but can't help but do kegels because it feels good and I get close to orgasm. I hope I can stop doing this because it may lead to a relapse.
     
  9. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    I hope you can stop this too, not because you may orgasm, but because you are causing chemical surges in your brain. The whole idea behind this exercise is to heal your brain.

    As for the Oral sex, it's OK if you want to perform that on him. For you, for now, I don't think that's a good idea. You want any oral sex performed on you to be engaging and rewarding don't you? Do your 90 days, and then enjoy being the recipient of it. Make sense? If not, ask. Please ask!
     
  10. t1234

    t1234 Fapstronaut

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    I agree it isn't the ideal situation and may delay my progress but its not something I'm willing to give up. It almost stops me from relapsing knowing I can still have sex.
    We have both been very busy so sex is only happening about once a week if that.
     
  11. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Well, it's your journey, so you do what is best for you.
     
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  12. t1234

    t1234 Fapstronaut

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    A little update -

    Still going strong. Definitely have more sensation during sex which is good.
    Still unable to orgasm but feel like I am getting closer.

    Have experienced a lot of benefits unrelated to sex. A lot less anxiety and depression. I have more energy and want to improve my life in other aspects.

    Only worry is i feel like i have lost my libido. Is it a use it or lose it?
    I have been feeling the want to MO just to try and increase my libido and get it back.
    Hopefully this is just temporary.
     
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  13. johnwiks

    johnwiks Fapstronaut

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    Remember porn recovery is a very long process - as with recovering from substance abuse. Your libido loss can be attributed to several factors including stress, illness, etc. It could also be a result of your brain going through withdrawals. I'm pretty sure your libido is not a 'use it or lose it' kind of thing. Wait it out for several months and it should return back to normal.
     
  14. phwrancesco

    phwrancesco Fapstronaut

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    talking about the organs during sex: don't worry, most of men don't know how and where to touch a woman. Probably is not your fault if you don't reach O in fact you can reach it wit a sex toy.
     
  15. Lilithsgarden

    Lilithsgarden Fapstronaut

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    I’m in the same exact boat as you. For a while I had to watch porn and edge before sex because foreplay wouldn’t even get me turned on. I couldn’t even have sex without watching porn before trying to have sex. It sucks but we will get through this!!!
     
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  16. Lilithsgarden

    Lilithsgarden Fapstronaut

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    You may flatline for a little bit. It is very common to lose desire for sex for days/ weeks. Stay tight and hang in there.
     
    t1234 likes this.
  17. Prov2416

    Prov2416 Fapstronaut

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    As a man wanted to throw in my 2 cents.....

    First and foremost remember, that in alot of ways you are trying to re-train your body and mind to go without certain chemicals for longer stretches of time.

    That is why its SO IMPORTANT for you to really think through about your goals. In some ways being so engaged in sex can be counter productive. You are still getting those frequent chemical hits.

    I would suggest you STRONGLY consider some of the suggestions made here as people actually want to make sure you are taking into account ALL the changes going on in your body.

    And as far as orgasms are concerned, as a married man I can tell you that in my 9 years of marriage, my wife has never had consistent orgasms with me. There are a couple of reasons for this (fatigue, stress, body-image) but like @phwrancesco said, toys can help.
    And it's not just because a toy can mechanically do things I physically can't....it is the toy IS NOT ME. For my wife, the vulnerability of allowing SOMEONE else to stimulate her in that way is stressful. I could get her EXTREMELY wet with oral, but she could not orgasm. As a matter of fact, when my wife gets to a certain point of stimulation she HATES it and checks out. When she used a toy on herself with me there she O's fast...and many times she is not wet at all. So I had to realize there is MORE to it than that.
    The thing to understand is that sex is about connection and the physicality of being close. An orgasm may or may not always happen during that. Sometimes you have sex to please/help the other person or just to connect. When orgasm becomes a means to an end, that can sidestep everything else.

    Your boyfriend, husband or whatever CANNOT just be a means of O. That will keep you in this PMO cycle as PM are sure fire ways to get the O regardless. Some questions, I would consider are:
    - Why is O so important to me?
    - What feelings/thoughts/events happen when you are horny?
    - Is the amount of time I want to PM is the same as actually CONNECTING with my SO?
    - How long can I go without O? What are the benefits/cons to this?

    So again, I share all of my experience as a married man to hopefully give you a different perspective. And if you disagree with all of this that is fine. But hopefully it can give you something else to consider.

    Be encouraged
     
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2019
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