Does your Mother know about your PM addiction?

Discussion in 'Off-topic Discussion' started by Mr. McMarty, May 29, 2019.

  1. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Interesting! May i respectfully ask, if you were married would the response from the holy text you cite be the same ? Meaning , if married, is the night activity still only between you and allah?
     
  2. SirErnest

    SirErnest Fapstronaut

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    Good topic.
    I think mothers know when something is wrong, but the older we get it's down to us to fix it.
    I hid my habits from my Mum.
     
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  3. Yep u do

    Yep u do Fapstronaut

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    Hey bro
    This text isnt holy, only the Quran is holy and saved from humans bad acts.
    If you are married there is no sin so the hadith (tradition that i quoted) dosent apply. You have relations with ur spouse and u even get rewarded because you resisted to temptation during your teenage and now your are using your sexuality in the way God wanted you to use it (with your spouse and no one else, not even ur hand...).
    If u are talking about revealing details of ur relation to others it is forbidden and awkward in my opinion and i wdnt like my spouse telling to her friends my husband is like this and did this etc.
     
  4. krdt

    krdt Fapstronaut

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    Absolutely not.
     
  5. Christian Fox

    Christian Fox Fapstronaut

    I think the question was:
    If you're married and still fapping, would you have to hide that from your spouse?
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  6. Christian Fox

    Christian Fox Fapstronaut

    My mum knows. She was the first human being to know, my father was second. I don't know in whom else I would have had that amount of trust, that they not only not tell anyone else, but try and help me get out.
     
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  7. Yep u do

    Yep u do Fapstronaut

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    Well to be honest i dont know.
    Most of men will hide it because its a sin and we naturally hide when sinning ( but we can't hide from God).
    I think that yes u have to hide it if u are curing it. Nofap can help for example, you are anonymous and getting help.
    Men usually think that marriage will cure their addiction but it wont. It will destroy the life of a woman and maybe kids too.
    We need to control our own soul first and then we can take care of others.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  8. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Wow! Bro your honesty is delightful and refreshing! I congratulate you on that.
    I think your logic is where I want to understand better--

    Marriage, in your understanding (and mine) is between 2 people. If one person has a problem--- is that problem the individual's to deal with alone, or is it shared between the two?

    The attitude in this issue is where I find men vs. women disagree, and even within religious traditions--in yours I'm curious if this same disagreement also applies?

    Here's what I mean: Many (maybe even most) men share your view, that a married individual's problems that affect a single spouse are the man's to deal with; be the issue financial, sexual, health, educational, etc.

    For example, if a man has a debt, he doesn't go to his wife and say: "please help me with this debt" does he?

    Or if he has a educational deficiency he doesn't go to his wife and say: "please help me improve my educational competency".

    When it's PMO, men don't (usually) go to their wives and say: "Please help me with this PMO issue."

    Women, often believe
    problems that affect a single spouse are the couple's to deal with. All the same ones apply but she often will look at them as a shared problem.

    For example: A wife will go to her husband for help with educational issues, financial, even sexual.

    This explains for me why when men wish to isolate themselves to resolve their PMO problems their wives wish to know, wish be informed and go beyond their natural boundaries in getting involved even if learning about their husbands' issues causes the wife's own detriment, loss of self-esteem, loss of purpose, loss of meaning within the marriage.

    Do you see the same rules are in play for couples within your religious tradition?
     
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2019
    Yep u do likes this.
  9. I wish my parents found out about my addiction. I've always had a good relationship with them, and it pains me to have to lie to them, but I just don't have the courage to tell them. :(

    They know I masturbate and they kind of assume I watch porn I'm pretty sure, but they don't know that porn is something that I struggle with. They just see it as me being a normal older teen guy.

    I found out my dad watches porn by accident, but I don't think it's something he struggles with. He grew up with crappy dial-up internet that couldn't really load pictures, so...I don't know, maybe someday it'll come up and I'll have the opportunity to at least tell him. They have noticed I seem to be doing better now that I started the streaks, but they don't know why.

    Until then though, I'm continuing to fight this! :D
     
    Christian Fox likes this.
  10. john1780

    john1780 Fapstronaut

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    why do people want to tell someone about thier pmo addiction? they probably feel creeped out and think your a wierdo for telling them lol, you dont have to share every little thing with everybody
     
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  11. Well, for me it’s partly because I feel guilty, it’s a kind of confession I guess. I get that I have the forums, but it’s just not the same.

    It’s not about wanting to share it, it’s about not wanting to lie to the people close to you, and also to get their understanding and support irl.

    Believe me, if they found out by chance somehow I would be thrilled because no, you don’t just come out and tell them one day “Hey, by the way, I’m addicted to PMO.”

    I guess a lot of us are just tired of lying, really. I think that’s true with any addict.
     
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  12. john1780

    john1780 Fapstronaut

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    ok that makes sense, I saw a lot of people on nofap saying they wanted to tell someone, I guess I know now (;
     
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  13. Max Fisher

    Max Fisher Fapstronaut

  14. Max Fisher

    Max Fisher Fapstronaut

    Yesterday my boss walked in my office and had a good 40 seconds of looking at my monitor with NoFap up front and center before I noticed. Pretty sure if he's curious he'll look it up and have some questions. :) that will be an awkward conversation...
     
  15. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    LOL. @Max Fisher I have my boss always saying, you're always on nofap. (my boss is my son).
     
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  16. Yep u do

    Yep u do Fapstronaut

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    One more time i am talking about my personal point of view.
    Sadly most of people think that culture is a part of the religion and tahts sad. In a lot of arabs tradition there is sexism and i hate it and i will never apply it. Not only in arabs culture but the medias only talk about it and want people to think that it is a part of Islam. In a lot of other countries a lot of women are beaten to deaths etc. Just look at what trump thinks about women, its pathetic but no one will criticise him.

    About ur question, it depends on the subject. If it is financial or something that is concerning both partners i would say that it is an obligation to talk about it to your wife, she is concerned too. A man have to talk with his wife, she isnt a doll decorating the house. After they talked it belongs to the man to take the decision.
    "Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. "
    And who knows better the capacity of the creatures than the Creator? Women are more sentimentals and men more rationnals, God created us like this and we all know that, but it doesnt mean that men have all the rights and can behave like dictators. Sadly most of them behave like this and i feel pain for the women, but God is The Just and they will pay for it in the next life

    So when the women is concerned you have to talk to her, but about PMO i dont know if she is concerned because on the one hand it is a private sin and you have to solve it alone, but on the other hand she is concerned because if u dont cure it it will impact the life of ur spouse or/and your family. But most of the time they discover it, women are as smart as men and sometimes even more. I would say that if she discovered it, it means that the addiction is important or lasted for too long, and once she knows the best thing to do is to ask her help.
     
  17. Christian Fox

    Christian Fox Fapstronaut

    I'd say I wanted to tell my parents and my best friends, because I was tired of having secrets, at least sinful secrets, it creates a kind of distance that's really terrible, and secondly, because it is impossible to beat this addiction alone, and by telling my parents I knew I would get help.
    Furthermore, no, most people don't think you're a creep and weirdo, they have the same problem, they're just to ashamed to tell you. And if they love you, they won't think that anyway.
    Of course, I wouldn't tell everyone, only people I trust very much.
     
  18. Christian Fox

    Christian Fox Fapstronaut

    First things first: I'm not a muslim and unfamiliar with the Quran, so you must excuse, if I ask a dumb question.
    As far as I understand, you accept what the bible says about creation and the patriarchs up to Ishmael. I'll just assume that this is so.
    In Genesis 2, directly after God made the woman, it is said that
    „Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.“
    (‭‭Genesis‬ ‭2:24‬)
    But if wife and husband are one, how can something that one of them does not be the other's business? If I was married and pmo-ed, it would affect my wife very much, although she might not know what it is that destroys our relationship. Doesn't she have the right to know what I'm doing that kills our love? I think she does have the right to know.
     
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  19. Yep u do

    Yep u do Fapstronaut

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    If your intention is good there is no problem :)

    Hm no, we dont accept parts of the Bible. We know that God revealed it, but with time humans changed some texts and corrupted it, so there are some parts that are true and from God and some others that are wrong and from humans, but we dont know which one (we can recognize some but maybe some details are wrong and every detail of the Book of God is important). So the only thing we can blindly trust is the Quran
    "Indeed, it is We who sent down the Qur'an and indeed, We will be its guardian." [15;9]

    About your verse I would say that yes it means that there will be trust and complicity between them, but you dont have to share every little part of your life with her. Maybe she wont react as you expect it and will ask for a divorce, maybe she will tell it to someone else, maybe your relation will never be like before after u told her etc. Yes there is a strong link between a man and his wife, but the strongest one is between a Man and his Creator. The sins are shared only with God and He is the only One that can forgive you, and really help you. First i asked God help then i tried my best to cure myself and hide my addiction and thanks to God i succeeded.
    I think that a man should never marry if he cant handle his own desires and problems.
    And if you really fear/love God, it is possible to stop by your own, and God knows better.
    That's why a lot of people are failing, they dont have this link with God, and a Man alone is very weak and powerless.
     
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  20. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    I am appreciative of your questions here guys @Christian Fox

    I would say, using the definition you cited, porn should be discussed with the wives; the contingency of whether its cured or not is not relevant; it's discussed because they are one with the man. Pretend it was a cancer for example, admittedly there are men who would not want to burden their wife with this news, but that would be a violation of the "obligation to share information" clause that is the fabric of oneness.

    Consider this metaphor where the man is the earth, and the woman is the Sun.

    The Sun's light, warmth, rays, dictate time, on a daily basis, and govern our seasons, cold, etc. As the earth, we are married to the sun. However we have a silent affair with the moon. The moon is more accessible, we can land on it without it burning us up. We see the moon, mostly when we don't see the sun. The moon (PMO) is closer to us, and has a certain effect on us (tides).

    It does not change our yearly course, our plans, or our daily clock, but it does have an effect on how our water moves.

    When we share the news of the effect of PMO with the wife, she needs to know she STILL can control our entire world... our light, our warmth, our happiness, but she can never diminish or control the porn's gravitational pull.... That is independent of her direct efforts.

    That battle is ours alone to manage (Man vs. Porn). Just like cigarettes, drugs, etc. But the closer we grow to God and remain self-aware of the shortcuts in life the less powerful will be in our yearning to escape via anything that is not healthy.

    I think explaining to our wife we have to battle this alone is where general understanding breaks down for she is accustomed to sharing the burden in everything and in this, she cannot.

    Your thoughts?
     

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