Does it ever go away?

I’d like to help you, but honestly I think cases like this are so individually different that it’s a decision that you, or you and him, will have to make. There’s not much anyone else can say without knowing all the little nuances of your relationship.

 

Here is the thing... Some of us are on our second or third PA.
So if you end this relationship...
Who's to say who you are going to end up with next?
I'm not advocating for staying.
My first PA was not worth fighting for.
My second is.
I'm just being realistic.
Is that really the gamble?
Can you do it all again?
What if it's worse?
If you have thought about it all and more, then do what you feel is best and
Good luck
We all support you no matter what you choose.

 

I felt that way at times, it’s taken me 4 years to feel myself again. I know in affair recovery they say it takes any where 2-6 years to heal from it and 2 for the minimal average for all things attributed to the betrayal trauma. It’s proven to be true for me, it’s hard work repairing a relationship with many ups and downs, sometimes it feels as though it’s one step forward and two backwards. If you’re both committed to doing everything you can to make it work and build a stronger relationship together it can all be worth and done as it is for my marriage.

 

I said that.
I did
It worked for years.... And then here was this amazing guy who fixed my washing machine... My whole life is now... Here.
But, if you can swim out there, good luck.. Really.
Best wishes and if you need anything, we on the forum will always be here.
We don't leave you, just because you leave him

 

Wow, forum friends forever.

 

Oh yes, I feel the exact same way. I have no intention of leaving my husband, but if something ever happened to him, I would never get married or be in a long term relationship again. Never. I will never be able to trust a man not to be involved with PMO or SA somehow and I refuse to allow myself to be abused like this again.
But I know I can say that with confidence because I am older, my kids are older, I have a strong career, and I genuinely enjoy being on my own. I would not need a man to fill a void.

 

I'm with you. In each relationship there is a you, a me, and an us. I think in general and especially on nofap, the SOs are focused on the us while the PAs focus on the self. The selfishness of addiction and the emotional outlets our society has robbed boys of guarantee it. How can you have a true partnership when only one person is looking out for the team? Spoiler alert: You can't.

That's what I want in life and if I can't have it now or ever find it because too many men are hung up on P and objectification then so be it. I am just fine being alone. At least then I know I'll be treated as I deserve. With love and kindness and most importantly, respect.

 

The odds are higher for those of us who have previously been attracted to and in a relationship with addicts of any sort. Especially for those of us with parents who were addicts.

Before making a decision about your current situation, perhaps look into codependency recovery. There are lots of groups available and of course therapists. This would helpful in deciding where to go from here and a preventative measure for your next relationship should you decide to break up this one.

 

This is simply not true at all.

 

I agree that addicts have a very hard time focusing on others or putting them first but I think this is a problem in general for men. I’m not male bashing but there’s been a good bit of research out of the Gottman institute that says only 30% of men have emotional intelligence. In short they can’t see past their own noses and see every fight as a competition. Most women see relationships as a team effort we want an equal partner who respects us and our feelings. Men don’t want r

I’m a SO that left so for what it’s worth here are my thoughts. Your behavior is totally normal I felt the same. It came in waves and I was left on an emotional roller coaster. I would be trigger by the tiniest things. I felt out of control like I was going insane and wanted to jump out of my skin. I’m normally very calm so this was new for me. You have betrayal trauma and you are grieving. Many with betrayal trauma have ptsd like symptoms meaning certain things that remind them of the original situation bring it all back. Anxiety was huge for me and I never worry. I constantly thought he would relapse. We as sos have no control over our situation and that causes this. You are also grieving the loss of the man you thought he was.

How long have you been together? Are you married? In most cases if the man is serious about recovery things improve but it often takes a lot more time than you would expect and it’s likely things will never be the same. For me my partner was not serious and so o left.

 

Actually it is true. Coping patterns are learned in childhood. Witnessing the codependent/co-addicted behavior of caretakers can cause children to unconsciously choose to replicate the behavior in adulthood. It’s extremely well documented. People who suffer from self-Love deficit aka codependency are at greater risk of choosing and being chosen by addicts.

 

Here’s a snippet of the Gottman Institute 35% EQ of men if anyone is interested. My husband and I are big fans of The GI and their books have helped us dramatically.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.bu...be-an-emotionally-intelligent-husband-2016-10

 

I have read his posts on EQ, it was eye opening. I think anyone entering into a marriage needs to read this.

 

Thanks for posting that. I can see this dynamic of his needing to retain power at the expense of our relationship as it relates to money and kids. He is terrified of giving up power and acts as though he’s single in that regard.

 

I wish we could have read the books years ago. They have become a relationship bible for us. We have a few friends that also have them and we all speak highly of them. One of these days I would love to take one of their workshops.

Also @blk45 I subscribe to their blog too. Interesting stuff even with kids!

 

I felt totally like you, too much anxiety, too much anger etc. Even had to start use strong calming down pills (x *na x). Dropped him. I don't regret it. But the thing is, after I met even worse cases. From what I know, my ex didnt went yet the prostitution path, he just PMO'd many times per day (creepy enough though), but all the other guys I dated after, were really into prostitutes. You can drop him, it will save you from mental break down and I also feel that for these kind of guys it is better to be with someone who don't know their past, in case they heal. But after that you might not meet any better. If you are like me and live better alone but in calm state, then separating your way from him is the best option for both of you.