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Hello, and sorry for what you are going through. Porn addiction is a really shitty thing. A few questions and then a few comments. Does he know about the addiction and what it can really do? Does he try and discuss things with you about it if you support him in it? Is he not honest most of the time? If he does not about the addiction and what it can do and isn't willing to see it for himself and change then maybe a trial separation is what needs to happen. He may need to see true consequences. One thing about addiction is that they have to see it and what it is doing for themselves and truly believe that quitting is the only option. If they don't then the mind will lie to them and tell them that it is ok. If he is willing to a good book to read on kindle is called "Whack: Addicted to Internet Porn" and is by Noah Church. It isn't religious, it is just his last name. It goes into a lot of details about what it does to your mental and physical state and what it is doing to relationships around you. Honestly a great book if he is willing to read it. Again, sorry for your situation, if you have any questions feel free to reply to the thread or PM me.

 

Hello! I was raised in Arkansas myself. (I am sorry for your what you are going through).

I don't know if anything I'm about to say will bring any comfort or not.

(I'm making an assumption, and of course it would change a lot if it was wrong, but that this was your attempt for a first child)

Working backwards in your post.... You asked, "are you an asshole". I think it's important to say you are not a asshole for having feelings. They are your most truthful conversation with yourself. Don't doubt yourself because of your feelings. Own them and address them, and don't feel less valid when you have them.

Now, "Are your feelings leading you to the best actions?" Only you can answer that. However, I will offer this. When bringing a new life into the world, it is important that both parents be on the same page. It's also important to be able to demonstrate that you have the ability to delay addressing your personal desires, in order to focus on the needs of that helpless new life. It does appear that he isn't in the place that would allow him to demonstrate that. (So unless you comfortable with the possibility of being a sole parent without concern for what he may or not be in the future, seems like procreating should be paused at this moment). (This next part isn't an excuse for him, and hopefully don't take it that way.) I would say that it's possible he was being honest about the pressure he may have actually felt, but that he may have expressed it wrong as 'coming from you'). If he is responsible at all, there should have been pause to consider that baby. (I have felt that slow my roll when I was in that same place, as I'm a father of 3). (Only you would know the difference, if he felt pressure from the responsibility, or a disregard for the goal because it 'wasn't fun'.) I am just offering the fact, that he should have felt pressure, not from you, but from the choice he was about to commit, and the caution that should been used to ensure there were no doubts.

Finally, as people have said here. Addiction is difficult. (My Opinion is, and not many's here share this) Porn isn't a true drug, but consumption of it does give rise to reinforce unhealthy lifestyles, and can condition you in harmful ways. Unfortunately, He has proven that his consumption is on the harmful side, in it blocked your shared goals of conception, resulted in lying, and lead to a verbal attack on you for 'pressure'. I'm not going to downplay the pressure he may have actually felt. However, his porn use does have appeared to have been motivated for 'escapism' from dealing with the stress and honesty needed by the situation, and that's not a good sign at all. There are different levels of addiction though. Some of us can realize that there is greater priorities, and can simply put it down, perhaps with a misstep here and there, and walk away. Others need the constant accountability, positive input from understanding people, and the reminder that something greater lies over the hill (change comes slowly for those people). Others truly have compulsions, and it requires therapy to understand where those are being driven from. Only he would have any idea where he is on that scale, and you would have to discuss it with him, assuming he can totally own up to it. It also assumes that he is clear minded enough to have explored his motivations for consumption without deluding himself). If you haven't tried yet, you may seek to better understand his condition before you make your final decisions. (I don't know your history together, or the either of you, so I offer the benefit of the doubt that it's possible this did represent a special circumstance that came from unique pressure, bad communication, and poor coping skills, and that by addressing these there might be a solution. Conditions definitely aren't good though.)

Where to go from here? Again, only you can answer this as well. However, answers aren't often best found while in pain. The people here that will try to answer any questions or discussions, or even a rant. They know your pain, it is theirs. Also, there are people that share your partners issues, so they can offer an impartial perspective, and some idea of how changes come. In any case, do what you must to unburden your immediate pain for the moment, so that you can get back to figuring out your next steps. We welcome the conversation if we can assist in that goal.

I guess to finally answer your question, No, you're not an asshole! Hope your day brings you relief.

 

Welcome back to the forum. I remember your story from a few months ago. I had thought things had gotten better but obviously not. His level of delusion is off the scale... asking for permission to go to a massage parlor? From your last post in September it seemed like there was some hope because he was going to go see a counselor. I'm guessing none of the promised changes happened because it seems like he is back to his old ways.

If you have made the decision to move out then don't second guess yourself. It does not make you a bad person or an a-hole. There is no need to put his needs above your own. You've given him plenty of opportunities to change and so far he has taken none of them seriously. His problem is out of your control and not your responsibility. You've got to look out for what is best for you. I hope things work out for you in the long run.

 

If he has not made a real commitment to change, in actions not just words, then he's making a choice that his addiction is more important then his relationship with you and you should act accordingly. Also do not have kids under these circumstances!! It will not help to have a baby, it will make things harder and strain the relationship further, and will limit your choices should you decide to leave. Also addicts are not good fathers.

 

You are not an a-hole, you are doing what is best for you. He isn't interested in what is best for you or your relationship, so that would make him the a-hole if you really think about it. Take care of yourself. I'm sorry that he won't do what is best for you and is choosing his addiction, so now you have to choose what is best for you and you are doing the right thing for you. Don't second guess yourself. You have stuck by him far too long and he isn't interested in sticking by you because he is too deep into his addiction. You are so strong for making this very difficult decision. Keep your strength and remember that you are important and worth so much more than his addiction. Hugs

 

Run and dont look back

 

No, no, no, no. YOU are not an asshole. ... Addiction is an asshole.

Please take care of yourself.