Do I have HOCD or am I just in denial??

definitely stop watching porn...

I developed HOCD a few years ago and I almost ruined my life. I didn't know what it was and that it is caused by porn (though i never escalated to gay P) so I treated it like an identity crisis and for the life of me I couldnt figure out which orientation I was. I didn't want to hook up with guys and wasn't attracted to them, but my brain would just keep going over "what if" situations all day long. It was legitimate torture. I have even liked a few girls and dated one while I had it, but the whole time i was constantly checking, ruminating, and avoiding anything that might be perceived as gay.

It was not until one day I realized that I am not actually gay, I am just terrified of turning gay/being gay this whole time and not knowing it and that those two things are very different. This realizing helped a lot and started me down the path to recovery but it was not until a year later that I discovered nofap that I really realized the extent and effects of my porn use.

I had been a heavy porn user since before puberty and had escalated, at a young age, to everything besides gay P. I am just coming to terms with the negative consequences this has had on my life and brain, but my current theory is that a porn addicted brain will try to trick your logical brain into watching gay P or even "acting out" to get that dopamine rush and this triggers the questions of "what if I am actually gay" which (fueled by anxiety) can spiral into all sorts of crazy intrusive thinking. In other words, an addicted brain can make the "true you" do all sorts of things that you don't want to do. I drug addict doesn't want to steal money from his family to buy drugs, but it is not a choice for him. His addicted brain has taken over.

It is a similar thing with porn. I never wanted to watch some of the horrible things I did, but it was not a choice in the moment. My addicted brain had taken total control. That is why it is very important that you quit porn. Once you do that, your anxiety will clear up, and you will realize that there is actually a huge difference between a perverted, insecure, anxiety ridden porn addict and an actual homosexual person.

It is a very long and hard road to recovery but I just wanted to give my two cents since I know how bad it can be. I hope my post helps... the KEY is to quit watching porn. At all costs. Quit porn and never look back.

PS: I know it may sounds like some people who have HOCD are in the closet or in denial, but in reality HOCD is far worse than anything I would wish on anyone. It is not homophobia it is legitimately obsessing so much over a small doubt in your sexuality that it interferes with normal everyday life.

 

Is it possible that homosexuality might be like a fetish? From several opinions on this forum one can start to think that it's just another disorder, like it's not something you're born with, but something developed unconsciously through one's life. I don't know where my own fetish came from, but not from porn, and it's not like you have it written in your mind. Correct me if I'm wrong.

 

It's probably HOCD. Have a look here.

Who knows. It could also be that there are, like, different kinds of homosexuality. Moreover, "fetish" and "disorder" sound quite negative. I'd say that there is far more in every functioning member of society which developed unconsciously.

 

I don't get what your saying? Homosexuality is not a fetish it is a persons sexual orientation. It is not a disorder or fetish it is just the way someone is. Just like their race.

HOCD, on the other hand, is severe doubt and uncertainty around one's sexuality.

 

This "it is just the way someone is" is the popular contemporary view on homosexuality and so forth nowadays. May be it is right. However, it is pretty obvious how it excludes every notion of possible unconscious movements. I am skeptical about it since many people who say stuff like "it is just the way someone is" act like they have complete understanding and empathy for the person they are talking about, while in reality they might as well just cluelessly repeat an ideological phrase.

Again, I wouldn't have used the words "disorer" or "fetish" as @roadtofreedomatlast did, but I think I see where he is coming from. Saying "it is just the way someone is" can easily mean shrugging off the phenomenon, not caring to understand what it actually is.

 

Thanks, for clearing things a bit. I said that it may be/work/function LIKE a disorder or fetish, I didn't say explicitly it's either of those. Yep, you're guessing right where I'm coming from, but my roots don't reject logical reasoning. It's also sort of a hoax. Hoaxes everywhere, right?

 

Keep it simple @Tavoh. As @March 5 said: definitely stop watching porn! And don't get caught up in the HOCD drama. Furthermore, try and be patient, it may take a few months for this to resolve itself. Just trust the process. You will be OK.

 

I agree.... and go "asexual" for awhile. In other words, just try not to think or focus on sex/porn at all for as long as you can.

One thing that really helped me is to come to peace with the possibility of being gay. When you start questioning just answer "maybe." That will help keep the anxiety down.

 

I think this is a good point. When your brain 'accuses' you, just say to yourself, "whatever" or "that's fine by me". The more you try and twist your brain in knots saying, "I don't like dick" or "I don't wanna be gay", it just prolongs the agony tbh.

 

March 5 has good advice. Watching a lot of porn feels pretty normal and harmless in the beginning, but our limbic brain craves novelty and variety and can give you weird feelings about yourself and your sexual identity, particularly as you delve deeper and deeper into heavier and heavier use over longer periods of time. Things that you weren't expecting would arouse you give you some arousal. At the end of the day, you watch a lot of sexual content and you will get a lot of different responses in different ways through your body. Some will feel good sexually and emotionally and some might give you conflicting feelings sexually and emotionally. It's good that you're talking about it on here. You're coming to terms with the way you have been while watching porn. Accepting your past. Acceptance for what has happened and what is happening is so important to feel more inner peace. As March 5 said, be ok with all the possibilities of your sexual identity. You'll probably find once you stop porn you'll feel stronger urges towards having relationships with real people, and those people will probably be closer to the people who you were first attracted to. I think the key is continuing to abstain from porn and masturbation for a set period of time and finding people to talk to who you can trust if you are struggling to alleviate yourself emotionally from a lot of your experiences. Sharing is caring. Self-care. Don't be afraid to be who you are and accept all of yourself. That will give you the confidence to really shine while pursuing the real relationships you desire.

 

Hello man, this guys are telling the truth. I had HOCD and believe me the worst thing is to be afraid. Just enjoy the wrong sensation. Let it bother you as much as it wants. Just don't do anything about it. Just let it. Enjoy in weird feeling. As much you enjoy, HOCD will be weaker and weaker. If you start panic it will rise. So it is so simple and you can control it. Next time (probably all the time) just tell yourself that you are gay. You are the most gay person in the world. You like being gay and all the stuff.
Now maybe someone is going to tell me that what I say isn't true and it is wrong. But believe me because I have been there and now I am not. Actually sometimes I think about it, but it doesn't bother me at all and it can do nothing to me because I control what I do in my life. I am not a hypocrite, I am not one who is guessing what could help, I know for sure what helps and what doesn't. I am just trying to help you because only person who had this problem can help you. Psychologists, they know what you are talking about, but they have never experienced so they actually aren't some great help. They don't understand how does it feel to be trapped for 24/7 in your own thoughts. Just relax and enjoy the thoughts. As soon your "anxiety brain" realize you aren't scared of the thoughts (because these are just thoughts, and the thoughts ARE NOT YOU) the sooner it will let you live. Just one thing, when I was kid I sometimes watched animal porn. Wtf?? Does this mean I want it? Surely NO! It was just anxiety combined with dopamine, same with any other fucked up porn genre. One more thing, I like this community very much. It helped thousands of people all over the world. I appreciate it a lot. But you should stay away from this and every other community. If you keep coming back looking for relief, it just mean you are afraid of HOCD and in this case, HOCD won't leave you. Sorry but it is necessary. I hope I helped.

 

Here it is, plain and simple [credit to user Roady]:



That's all you need to know. Quit porn and live.

I've been through it. If you need help, please do not hesitate to give me a message.