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Divorced, Full Time Single Dad of 2 Young Boys and Primary Income ... Any hope of finding love again

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by EricKungFooled, Jul 24, 2018.

  1. EricKungFooled

    EricKungFooled Fapstronaut

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    This past week I've been struggling with the idea of having majority physical custody or even 50/50 custody of my two young boys (7 and 4). I have been fighting the every other weekend ruling and now have a good chance to get 50/50 custody. I've been asking to myself do I really want that much custody?

    I also am the primary income earning and pay a substantial amount of my income to my ex-wife with child support. My ex-wife makes minimum wage where I make six figures not including bonuses. I have also offered to pay for education for a few years so she can make more money. My family and attorney keep saying I'm way too generous especially since she cheated on me for a year and continued even after caught.

    Although I love my kids and many have feel I'm a strong role model for them... I struggle with the fact that by having the kids 50% or 70% of the time (currently 30%) because I will likely be alone for a good 5+ years. I feel it will be difficult to date and nearly impossible to sustain a full time relationship because of the lack of time and energy left.

    At the time of writing this I'm torn between the possible freedom of being a weekend dad and the sense of responsibility and love for my kids. I feel like I'm the most selfish man in the world just having these thoughts.

    This has really shaken the foundation of my nofap journey and has made it hard to ignore the ever present rationalization to PMO or just MO. If what I've been fighting for (50/50 custody) is granted will it be many years of loneliness and celibacy?

    Other than being successful and somewhat in shape, I really don't stand out in the dating game. I'm relatively short (5"7), 35 years old, noticeably balding and above all socially awkward. I feel believe if I was more attractive/confident a girl would put up with the fact that she will always finish second to my kids.

    At this time the idea of finding a girlfriend is daunting just being single but to juggle everything else on top of that is terrifying.
     
  2. Dr.Shilo

    Dr.Shilo Fapstronaut

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    To be honest o think you have better chances of finding love than a woman in your same situation. Guys find it hard to get into a relationship where kids are already involved but my experience has been that women are very open to adopting children in a relationship. It's kind of more their nature. If you do go with the 50/50 custody I would hope that you only do it out of selfless love. Kids can sense when they're a burden...
     
    Deleted Account and Buddhabro like this.
  3. EricKungFooled

    EricKungFooled Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for you post, I hope your right that women are more inclined to look past kids. My main reason for getting more custody is to be involved in their life and be a positive influence. I love my kids dearly it is just the loneliness that is literally eating away at me. Before the divorce six months ago, I was separated for another five months before taking the plunge. Nearly a year of no love or intimacy is driving me insane. Until two months ago I was coping with excessive PMO but I've quit that for good.

    Also I believe their mother is somewhat neglectful with passive parenting. Their diets orbit around junk food and both were not potty until they are 4 1/2 years old. They both had speech development delays. I had a chance to try full custody (100%) this summer as trail run as my ex had to visit some family out of state for two weeks. I was able to work remotely and take care of all their needs while keeping a clean house. In those two weeks I was able to completely toilet train the youngest, they are talking and socializing more and both have lost some weight because they are not eating junk food all the time.
     
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  4. Bubbles

    Bubbles Fapstronaut

    Hi! Single dad here, full custody, separated, not living with abusive wife.

    Fight for those kids. They need you, you won't regret it. They'll be grown before you know it.

    Don't worry about the women, when they see a single dad taking responsibility you'll have to peel them off you with a crowbar. I'm not even "on the market" and I've noticed.
     
  5. Vedas_fr

    Vedas_fr Fapstronaut

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    I don't know, i have no experience in parenting, but i would go for week-end dad. However the mother will have more influence on them than you. Anyway as a kid i tried 50 / 50 and hated it.
    But maybe some kids like it. Parenting is a woman thing imo. Of course some women are too dumb or crazy to do that correctly so the father has to play that role.
    Apparently that seems to be the case here so i don't know what to think. Maybe you should have 90% and her 10% that would be the best solution:D:confused:
     
    EricKungFooled likes this.
  6. STAR DUST

    STAR DUST Fapstronaut

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    Just conserve your semen and you will be okay. Trust me semen retention NOFAP HARDMODE
     
    Ra's Al Ghul and EricKungFooled like this.
  7. EricKungFooled

    EricKungFooled Fapstronaut

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    Thank you guys for the support and advice. The emotional roller coaster of divorce + nofap hardmore can be absolute hell. I'm not concerned with finding a girlfriend as I was a few weeks ago. I figure it will happen when it happens.

    Yesterday was my first day back to the regular 2 weekends a month as my ex came back and I left the house immediately to prevent confrontation. I have a upcoming court date to try to fight for custody so hopefully that will go well.

    She was definitely surprised at how much the kids improved in their behavior and some of the struggles (like potty training and diet). I believe she is coming to the realization that I can provide them a better life, care for them and afford to take keep the house rather than moving to a smaller apartment etc. She has been discussing giving me physical custody (60/40 or 70/30) as she starts looking for a job or education to get on with her life. I think her relationship with her overseas sugar daddy (who she had an affair with and broke the home) has kind of fizzled away and now she is looking at the future rather than relying on the lies and empty promises of that pervert.
    Although she believes I have a girlfriend because I've lost a lot of weight, working out and dressing better... I don't correct her because it is none of her business and may help her realize there is nothing left.
     
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  8. STAR DUST

    STAR DUST Fapstronaut

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    Trust me find another women or women or women. With too hearts and character
     
  9. Vedas_fr

    Vedas_fr Fapstronaut

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    Yep maybe she is just a dumb slut and you deserve custody more than she does. Some women are unfit for child education. Maybe you are one of those dads that are as good as a mother? If she agrees go for it. even 60 / 40 or 70 /30 if she sees you are better than her she will let go and focus on herself maybe. I dunno but maybe you will end up 90/10 percent in a few years.
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2018
  10. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    There's a price to pay for everything. You have to figure out what you value most and what your priorities are.

    If dating is a priority for you, then find a way. Hire a nanny or something to help you out with the kids. Accept the situation and your current problems and find a way. Find things like tv / film / internet browsing that eat up your time and get rid of it.

    If you take care of yourself and find your joy, you'll be 10 times a better father than you would be now.
     
  11. The less you want to do with this woman, the more she will respect you. Advice - when you are with your kids, find something you have liked bout the wife and tell them. Never criticize your wife to your kids - it will make her paranoid and will hurt kids self esteem.
     
  12. I'm seeing some really good, thoughtful advice here! I'm a 47 year old, 2 yrs divorced with teenage kids I see perhaps once a week for a few hours. Like yourself, my ex is a bit on the negligent side (as the kids age they recognize this stuff, though). I envy your desire to find a new someone - I don't have the self-esteem to see myself dating again. I think perhaps your guys are a bit little for you to date, although as they grow I wouldn't think twice, you sound like a great catch for someone. Like yourself, my ex was quite unfaithful which can really provoke the urge to slam her in front of your little guys - resist! This can really harm them (and your own credibility) down the road. Hope this helps somehow.
     

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