Distance relationship and a daily craving.

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by The little lion, Nov 19, 2018.

  1. The little lion

    The little lion New Fapstronaut

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    If anyone has been in a long distance relationship you know that the moment you’re finally in arms reach of one another the self control one might imagine two decent human beings have to not tear eachothers clothes off and fuck like rabbits goes out the window faster than you can say “I missed you”. And as if to make up for lost time in one weekend a person in a distance relationship could have more sex in one day than someone who sleeps with his loved one every night. That being said, I personally am in a distance relationship and I am also in the very early stages of my reboot from MO. I used to get triggered from girls at the gym, in grocery stores, at work, people I meet day to day, watching completely non sex related videos and so on, these triggers would lead to fantacising and then later MO to my fantacise. My commitment to my girlfriend and desire for freedom from this drug has brought me to rebooting. During reboot I understand that sex is not forbidden, it’s the hypersexualized dopamine driven habits we are breaking and replacing. What I am struggling with now is that throughout my stints of not seeing my girlfriend, which is sometimes one week and other times one month, i miss her, naturally. As anyone in love Would. However in my missing her I remember the times we had together, my memory and fantasies flood my mind as I lay in bed alone and the blood creeps to my crotch slowly inflating an erection and the temptation I had been so confident in ingnoring, to blow a load, Finally looks me dead in the face and says “that’s your girl, just do it. It’s fine. It’s not like porn. It’s not fantasizing about some random stranger. It’s you and your lady. Of course you miss her. If she was here she would want you to have this too.” And so on. Dirty talk on the phone and Skype doesn’t help either obviously. My problem is not with my desire for my girlfriend, this I understand. In fact I think it would be an even bigger problem if I did not desire her. The problem is that in my desire for her I jump to a quick easy hit of dopamine to cover my pain of missing her. To pretend she is there when the cold hard truth is she is not. My problem with fantacising of other girls I saw at the gym and curiosity I explored as to what those bodies would look and feel like are not a reflection of my lack of commitment to my girlfriend but my long standing addiction to hypersexualized content inflicted through constant self exposure to pornography from an early age through to adulthood that I have not yet rebooted from. Now, mind you I have not given too far into these temptations to cum in my lonely bed at the memories of my previous weekend with my lover, but I do find myself edging and fantacising. I think it’s the thoughts that I must battle directly and the actions that are result. I think I have previously been so focused on the action of masterbating to orgasm and not so focused on the brain pathways that resulted in that outcome. But still there’s a part of me that does not feel shame or guilt for my memory and enjoyment of the intimate experiences I share with this woman. What I feel guilt and shame for is the seemingly uncontrollable outcome of ejaculation that is at the end of that brain pathway. The incomparable hit of powerful drugs I release into my corrupted and plastic mind, frying gray matter and destroying my immune system (regular ejaculation is actually so bad for you dude.)

    My dilemma is this. I am rebooting. I want freedom from this long standing drug addiction. I want that addiction to be fully separated from my relationship and the love we share. I do not feel the need to give that up what so ever. I do feel the need to control my mind and thoughts. I have a very hard time determining in my mind where the line is when I follow the pathway of: thinking of girlfriend>missing her> missing her touch> missing sex> really wanting sex> Really turned on thinking of sex with girlfriend> masturbating to the thought of sex with girlfriend

    This is my life right now and I appreciate any constructive comments and all who support and relate to my struggle. I hope this can at least encourage someone in a similar situation that you are not alone and that in time we will find freedom and clarity in seperating the drug driven mind from the love driven mind.

    Thank you
     
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  2. whatrichme

    whatrichme Fapstronaut

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    The best relationship I have had was long distance. We met for once or twice a year.
    I think exactly because of prolonged abstinence plus the love, we both reached the level-9 orgasm described in the ancient Tao texts.
    (That's the highest and best of the best. I only tried once.. yet. We know we never will forget that experience.)
    Hope this can motivate you to keep clean when yours is not around.


    If i were you, I would separate emotions from facts for the moment.
    If you intend to remain loyal, physical distance means a good chance for a long streak. Only when emotions mix in, it gets complicated.

    Emotions can be devastating if not well-decoded.
    During the above mentioned long-distance relationship I had this anger of "why the world play this on me" so I picked up my coworker all the while having those heavy PMO habits. Hack, I even f this virgin girl the night before I fly to see my girlfriend. The relationships with them quickly blew up on my part with the over-whelming anger and self-blame for failing to love and treasure two very worthy girls. This kind of thing takes a long time to heal.

    So try to understand the logic behind your train of thoughts.
    Ask me anything.
     
    The little lion likes this.
  3. The little lion

    The little lion New Fapstronaut

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    Thanks so much for your honest and considerate response.
    I’m your experience and journey would you give me an example of tracking the logic of your train of thought as you walked through the healing process of PMO addiction?
     
  4. I was in a ldr and yes it can be a challenge. What makes it easier is if you have set concrete plans in the future when you are going to meet. Otherwise the uncertainty of when are going to have a sex again makes it hard to not pmo. Imo long distance relationships are not worth it unless you really like her and see a future with her in some way. Otherwise I feel like I'm wasting time and opportunitues.
     
  5. whatrichme

    whatrichme Fapstronaut

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    If there is a deeper problem behind PMO addiction, the earliest trigger can date back to the interactions with your father, mother or sisters.
    It doesn't have to be sexual, it can be helplessness, anger, blame or any (mind you all emotions are two-sided. There is love behind anger.)
    Along the lines, if you have a brother, think about competition.
    Once you see it, it may feel non-sense or genuine. But it is a paperlock anyway you can tear it off with your strength and because of who you are today.

    For many PMO is the Mega-comfort zone.

    But for me, I needed to conserve energy for my health and business success, hence massive action to make the right choices.
    Cutting off PMO was one of those choices. There is no going back. No sex no problem, I can work on other important things.
    Like all goals, the why is critical and where the motivation comes from.

    What makes a man? A lot of self-discovery, then insist on a few right choices, endure short term pain.
    Reap great results over time.

    When you go back to dating someday (same partner or new), suddenly you are prince charming. Now you have everything.

    Hope that helps/
     
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2018
    The little lion likes this.

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