Diary

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by Marskell, Feb 3, 2019.

  1. Marskell

    Marskell Fapstronaut

    Good Lord, I'm just backing slowly out of the newbies forum, I've been bombarded with msgs from guys who are most definitely not trying to help my PMO-free journey. Anyways, I'll start my diary here then.

    Hey people :)

    I'm new to this, so I'm not sure how to place disclaimers and alerts, please let me know if I need to fix any of the following.

    I'm 25/F/Aus...

    And now that I think about it, I wrote it in that format because I learned it from online chatting forums about sex/roleplay. A bit not good.

    I've been using porn since maybe 12? 13? I do remember so clearly what started it (possible trigger alerts). My family used to go camping every holiday. A lot of campsites have laundromats with reading material. I was (am?) a massive bookworm as a kid, read everything I could get my hands on. So I started reading this book left in the laundromat... I still remember the title and the author over a decade later. It can essentially be classed as a very mild, vanilla, romance story. I laugh now thinking about how little it took to flip my switch back then compared to what it takes now. It blew my mind, I was addicted to that feeling immediately. I was an A+ student, competing state-level at multiple sports, and a great all-rounder. But as I became more and more addicted and obsessed with the feeling porn gave me, I started investing all my time and energy into it. My grades fell, I quit sports, I quit choir, band, youth group, all my obligations. I became depressed. Couldn't manage a simple conversation with guy friends.

    It was crazy, I'd gone from having all the potential in the world, to nothing. I was constantly tired from staying up so late to read more, watch more, feel more. I couldn't relate to my friends and family as well... I was apathetic to life. So after I produced a dismal result from schooling, I went into a Bachelor of Nursing, and dropped out after a year because I felt no attachment to it. I did casual, menial work until I finally found the wherewithal and endurance to do another Bachelor, this time in Health Science. I'm so grateful I'm in my final semester, that I even made it here. But throughout all of this, I still struggle so badly with apathy, motivation, and feelings of despair at my own behaviour as the content I consume escalates in a way that I despise myself.

    So last night... it happened again. I was kinda good for a while (good being that I was only consuming somewhat ethical porn (I know, questionable at best)) but then it just escalated so rapidly out of nowhere to the stuff that I hate. Like I needed it to get what I wanted. Even though I know I will feel so awful and horrible in the days afterwards. This isn't the first time, and I don't want to feel this way again. I want a healthy relationship with my sexuality, not whatever this is. So I decided I need to quit. I want to reboot. I want to get back to healthy.

    So starting today, I'm going to go without PMO for 90 days. Then I'll reassess at the end of that time. I hope I can make it 90 days... I've never tried this before.

    I'd love someone's help keeping me accountable? I'm not sure how that works. I'll give this journaling thing ago... I'll try for daily. But I gotta say, ever since I became addicted, I have terrible follow-through.

    Anyways, I'm super grateful there is a community for this out there, so thank you.

    I hope this works.
     
    Scott93, Issah, Mr.Chips and 2 others like this.
  2. Marskell

    Marskell Fapstronaut

    Diary Update - Day 0

    I have rapidly learned how to select ignore for profiles, and how to leave conversations en masse.

    I guess with a site is purposed for people with sex on the brain, it can be difficult to resist crossing the line when talking about it with fellow addicts.

    So right now, it's about 7pm, and late afternoon/evening/midnight is the worst time for me and these urges. I'm trying to think productively... but like a magnet, my brain sticks on urges. I'm going to brainstorm storm things to do when I want PMO.

    Alternatives:
    - take a shower
    - play PC games
    - duolingo
    - work on art sketches
    - work on writing

    Do you have any favourite coping strategies? Let me know!

    I did have reading on the list, but I think it's too easy for me to slide into romance novels then downhill from there.

    I'm sorta looking for an AP, but a few people seem to feel negatively about their experiences, so maybe I'll stick to just journalling every day, and the general public can be my general AP :D

    Cheers,

    Marskell
     
    Mr.Chips and Deleted Account like this.
  3. Adjusting my sleeping pattern has made a huge difference in my recovery..
    There are certain times of day when I was more likely to relapse..
    Planning activities for those times was a game changer.
     
    Issah, Mr.Chips and Marskell like this.
  4. bobross

    bobross Fapstronaut

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    Welcome, and sorry for the bad experiences. I made some female friends here and they too complained about ...unwanted attention. Please don't give up because of the weakness in some, there's good too in this community.
    I like video games too from time to time, but I prefer to stay away when craving. It's easy to flip the switch before you know it. Static activities in general are like that, so when my mind starts to wonder in the danger zones, I try not to be alone and/or start moving. Going for a walk, exercising, finding something to clean in the house :D Nothing exhausting, just enough to require a little attention and energy. Hope this helps, good luck! :)
     
    Marskell likes this.
  5. Marskell

    Marskell Fapstronaut

    Thanks bobross, appreciate the support and tips hopefully the longer I stay the course, it will get easier to fight my apathy and complete ambivalence to doing things I used to enjoy.
     
  6. bobross

    bobross Fapstronaut

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    Things come and go, good and bad. You're here, therefore you acknowledge that you don't like things the way they are, when having a tough time, remember this. When it all seems hopeless and pointless, and it feels like there are no benefits, remember that what you're feeling is not real, that it will all pass. Faith isn't just something for those religious, it's just a form of trust regarding things we don't understand in the moment. So have faith that your life will ultimately get better :)
     
    Marskell likes this.
  7. Marskell

    Marskell Fapstronaut

    That's beautiful bobross, I need to remind myself of this more often. Thank you
     
  8. bobross

    bobross Fapstronaut

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    Gladly sharing my insights, may they (hopefully) be of some worth to any who wants them :D
     
    Marskell likes this.
  9. bobross

    bobross Fapstronaut

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    Also nothing beats TNG, as much as I want to love Discovery :/ My heart is taken xD
     
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  10. Marskell

    Marskell Fapstronaut

    Oof, I know what you mean TNG was my first. It's impossible to forget that line and the way he says it "This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the U.S.S. Enterprise..."
     
    bobross likes this.
  11. Marskell

    Marskell Fapstronaut

  12. bobross

    bobross Fapstronaut

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    Sometimes I wonder how life would be in a society like that, call me an idealist :D That show and Stargate have a lot of wisdom hidden here and there
     
  13. bobross

    bobross Fapstronaut

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    And proud of it!!! Good luck, nerd life calls
     
    Marskell likes this.
  14. Prov2416

    Prov2416 Fapstronaut

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    @Marskell

    Great to see you starting a journal. As a male, I am sad to hear that you have gotten un-wanted attention on these forums. I think it is quite disgusting to be honest.

    As for me, I am a 42 year old married Christian man. I post in both men and women's groups, as what is MOST important is encouragement.

    As a person who has watched porn, alot of what you see is fantasy and not anything close to reality....especially as it pertains to women.

    Women have helped me TREMENDOUSLY here as it helps to break that fantasy, as the women here are dealing with REAL issues and struggles. It helps keep me grounded and not see women as objects. Also, it is good to hear the reasons people M that are different, because at the end of the day alot of the reasons are VERY similiar.

    I would STRONGLY encourage you to get a handle on this PMO stuff while you are young. The last thing you want to do is bring it into a marriage. I am speaking from experience......I have a GREAT relationship with my wife.....but it is IMPOSSIBLE for her to compete with the images and fantasies I have in my own mind.

    Also the constant dopamine hits that we get from PM are not normal and actual sex with a person you love pales in comparison. So just know you are doing the right thing and there is a definite reward for this journey.

    One word of advice...... TAKE YOUR TIME. As you begin to experience physiological changes by reducing PMO, you are going to notice your body having some REALLY STRONG URGES. This is normal. Take some time and start identifying who and what triggers you. Also, resets/relapses are all a part of it. These can be GREAT TEACHERS as they help you identify what contributed to these things.

    So for example for me my BIGGEST trigger is anxiety/stress. After that is anger followed by rejection. Knowing this helps and you can be more on guard and have specific steps you do when this happens.

    Again, congrats on starting your journey and I wish you nothing but success. We are all in this trying to become better.
     
    Marskell likes this.
  15. Hey Marskell,
    for me daily yoga and regularly running works fine to use time and energy not to PM. If you are interested in a way older AP (F/42/married) sent me an PM.
    Good luck!
     
    Marskell likes this.
  16. Marskell

    Marskell Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the support guys, it's super encouraging reading your words and experiences. @Prov2416 I like what you said about women helping break the fantasy for you, maybe I need men to do that for me as well. I liked all of what you said really. I was raised in a Christian home, I struggle with Christianity, and I hadn't been to church regularly in about 6 years. I just recently started going about every 2nd week, it's been okay.

    Anyways, off one struggle back to the other, PMO. It's 11AM in the morning, I just woke up, even though I went to bed about 10PM the night before. I had THE WORST night's sleep, I could barely get to sleep, before waking up every 15 minutes/half hour. This has never happened to me before. My brain was so restless, like it was waiting for something. I didn't PMO, but I did compromise and purposefully thought about some fantasies to mollify my brain and go to sleep. However in the light of the morning, I feel like these fantasies contravene the P guidelines for me. They are the wonky foundations behind my unrealistic expectations of men. So how do I break those down? Part of me doesn't want to, it loves those fantasies so so much... Maybe if I restrict myself from thinking about them, they'll eventually fade.

    So, I think this is a reset for me... disappointing. On the very first day too, the counter didn't even reach "1". It's frustrating 'cos part of me is like "Well if you're gonna reset, you might as well have a proper big mistake and go the whole way with PMO rather than just some fantasies." I'm resisting it... just.

    But I'm going to try and learn from this, like you said @Prov2416. Who and What triggers me. I got some helpful advice from you guys, suggesting using up some of my energy before going to bed, and I think that's a contributing factor to last night's mistake, so I'll aim to do that today.

    Triggers:
    - Lack of exercise, too much energy and boredom
    - romance literature
    - certain male celebs
    - Youtube in the evening (actually, maybe my whole screen addiction is terrible)

    I seem to conveniently forget all these things when part of my brain is justifying fantasies for itself. I guess it's hard to confidently see the benefits when I haven't experienced them yet. Patience is a virtue I've always lacked.

    "If at first you don't succeed, Try, try again."

    I'll do some yoga and walk the dog today. Here's hoping tonight is not as bad.
     
  17. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Dear @Marskell,

    You should never, and I mean never, have to put up with the inappropriateness of individuals messaging you while you are attempting to recover. If this happens to you, report those who do so to the Moderation Team. If I witness it unfolding, I am swift at jumping all over it.

    I'm so sorry you, and so many other young vulnerable females in a state of addiction have to put up with this foolishness. It adds insult to injury.

    So...what do you need to do?
    1. For starters, you need to Journal. CHECK! You've got that one covered.
    2. I would encourage you to go get this book:
      "Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction" by Dr. Patrick Carnes
      https://www.amazon.com/Out-Shadows-...-1&keywords=out+of+the+shadows+patrick+carnes'
      Dr. Carnes is the world's foremost expert on this addiction.
    3. Structure your time: @FlyingPizza has an excellent Calendar in her Journal here:
      26 y/o Trying to Turn Life Around
      https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...-turn-life-around.175620/page-15#post-1843145
    4. You do need some form of Accountability, whether it be an AP or a Sponsor in a 12-Step Program. There are SA/SAA/SLAA groups all over the world. Not sure what part of Australia you are in, but they most certainly are there too. There is an "Accountability Partner" Forum here, but I can't vouch for the quality of the responsiveness of it. If you need/want (and I've done this many times before), I can help you find a suitable AP. I would encourage you to refrain from Male APs, as more often than not, their addiction is a conflict of interest with their propensity to facility such a role with a female counterpart. This could easily become a grooming opportunity for them as it could you.
    5. Reach out for help if/when you need it. You can always seek me out for help. But more importantly, two women who I greatly admire here and have the utmost respect as a lot of resources available in their tag lines: @Kenzi & @AnonymousAnnaXOXO.
    If you need anything, ask. PM me if you don't want to discuss it in public. But don't tolerate inappropriate behavior from anyone here. Your PMO recovery is paramount and you should never have to put up with that kind of aggravation.

    Best wishes and best of luck.
     
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  18. Marskell

    Marskell Fapstronaut

    Thanks @GhostWriter for the support and tips. You're dead on the mark regarding number 4. I've had three guys hit me up suggesting AP, then under that guise asking inappropriate questions. If there was a way to knee people in the gonads across the internet, I'd love to know.

    I like FlyingPizza's calendar, but I know from experience that I become obsessed with regimented schedules and I usually set myself up to fail. Hmmm... now that I'm thinking about it though, I saw a new app the other day, called Habitshare, and I was thinking that could be one way an AP could check on each other. That way there's a flexibility to daily tasks, but still accountability. I don't know. Or maybe, I should just start taking daily screenshots of my Habits tracker app record and attach that to my daily journal entries. Might give that a go...

    You sound well-versed in this GhostWriter, thanks again for your input, I appreciate it. :)
     
  19. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    LOL, there is. Click that "Report" button, and knee their trolling ass on out of here. They aren't here for recovery. They are here to fuel their addiction, and drag anybody else down with them.
    Whatever works best for your recovery. I'd be interested to kno how this App works for you, so please make sure you share it here.
    Thank you for that vote of confidence. Unfortunately, I am well-versed. But fortunate for people like yourself, that's a good thing because you can learn from my "well-versed" knowledge, experience, and education.

    Reach out any time, and I'll help steer you in the right direction. Just make sure you take care of you first.
     
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