Diary of a supportive Girlfriend's thoughts.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Madwithstars, Sep 22, 2015.

  1. Pradeep

    Pradeep Guest

    Wow !! I could make two songs out of this post :D This remind me of the following song


    Madwithstars you could replace She with He :)
     
  2. 4mywife

    4mywife Guest

    Maybe you can re look at the way you feel about him reaching O during sex. Personally, I haven't had an O during sex in 45 days. It's been by my choice, but when you objectify O as the finish line, or as the goal that makes me feel complete, perhaps you are building your own feelings on the wrong goal.

    I understand how you feel, please don't take this as a callous response. But who told you that he had to O to make you feel complete? Sounds by your own list above that you're not only helping motivate him toward recovery, but that the fruits of that are clearly visible.

    Look at it from a male perspective, most women can not achieve O thru intercourse alone. They require some other form of direct stimulation. Yet, most men don't take that as "I must not be enough."

    I think people have set O as the finish line based on faulty beliefs. Don't get me wrong, I like O as much as the next person, but it doesn't define my love or expression toward my wife.

    I do understand the whole death grip thing and he should be free of that, just don't grieve yourself for not being able to get him there. Like you posted, look at the man he has become without it.
     
  3. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

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    I think the main problem with not being able to O during sex is that it is more likely to make someone turn to P and M for relief. I know my husband struggles with this. I personally don't feel like there's something wrong with me. Not anymore anyway. But I do feel bad that he can't get Any release without turning to pmo. While lots of women can't I from sex they are usually able to achieve it through other means. To not be able to do it all unless it's to yourself must make sex and other acts seem frustrating rather than enjoyable.
     
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  4. Madwithstars

    Madwithstars Fapstronaut

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    Spot on
     
  5. Madwithstars

    Madwithstars Fapstronaut

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    I think one of the most frustrating things, when being a supportive partner of a PMO addict, is the rollarcaoster of emotions.
    One minute I'm looking at him with love, and feel so proud, so in love with the man he has become and the changes he has made. Then I can change very quickly and feel angry that I'm so supportive after all the pain he caused, in particular with the going behind my back with another woman. I get angry at myself for being supportive. Then it changes again, and I feel like being supportive is all I want to be.

    Sometimes, I don't want to answer the phone to him, because I feel a little hostile, and I don't believe it's right for me to 'punish' him with that attitude seeing as I decided to stay, and help, and love. How do I deal with this anger when it feels mainly at myself for the way I am?

    This is frustrating, but I assume it's just part of the healing process.
     
  6. WOTL

    WOTL Fapstronaut

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    It is indeed part of the healing process. My wife went through the same. But it is important to keep in mind that there is hope... hope that a stronger relationship is going to come out of this. My relationship with my wife is now stronger than it was before I confessed to her my problem, which included some of the same issues you describe.

    I think it is important to recognize these "emotions" or "emotional sensations" and be aware of their presence. Take note that they are there, see to what extent they are rational or not. The real question is whether you see real progress, whether each day is a step in the right direction, whether there is a real commitment to the recovery, a real change of attitude, a perception that there is an effort to increase "intimacy", not just at the physical level, but whether the sense of connection is improving...

    I hope you will be feeling better each day as the recovery gets stronger and stronger...
     
  7. 4mywife

    4mywife Guest

    If the offender is showing genuine improvement while building on a foundation of humility, truthfulness and faithfulness then yes, there will be those times where you truly hate what they have allowed to happen but, it will be tempered with the love and forgiveness that is generated by these new foundational blocks.

    That's why it's so important for their whole person in mind, body and spirit to spring forth with new growth from the foundation built on humility, truthfulness and faithfulness.

    If they have told you they have come clean but then bit by bit continue to drip out pieces of their past, or are unfaithful in other areas such as debt or spending, then it becomes a wound that the scab is constantly being pulled back and not allowed to heal.

    The good news is, if they are showing you that they are faithful with humility and can be trusted in the small things then you will find that your oscillation of back and fourth emotions will begin to swing less and less and the relationship will grow and be better.

    Hang on, the best is yet to come.
     
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  8. Madwithstars

    Madwithstars Fapstronaut

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    How frequent the changes in my mood are. Every time I post, he reads it and we talk about it. And now, I'm feeling more positive. I understand that it's just things resurfacing and I just have to come to terms with everything that has happened.
    I will get there, and more importantly, we as a couple will get there.

    Despite what has happened, I do feel very lucky to have him, because he is now the kind of man I think most women would be proud to call theirs.
     
  9. Madwithstars

    Madwithstars Fapstronaut

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    We worked it out today, and it's been 46 days today.

    At the moment,he has been fine, no major urges, no cravings. He's aware that it could change though. He is coming to mine for 10 days, and we will have the house to ourselves because my son is going to spend time with his dad. I'm really looking forward to seeing him as always, but more so this time, because I have been going through some personal stresses and I need his strong caring arms around me.

    I'm so proud of him. Honestly, I don't think words could express just how much.
     
  10. WOTL

    WOTL Fapstronaut

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    It is great to have this feeling. It is certainly the result of being able to trust him again. He deserves a pat on the back for this new commitment to a life of integrity.
     
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  11. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

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    Glad to hear things are going so well. I hope you have some lovely quality time together xx
     
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  12. Madwithstars

    Madwithstars Fapstronaut

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    Not sure I fully trust him just yet, but I'm getting there
     
  13. Madwithstars

    Madwithstars Fapstronaut

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    Thank you :)
     
  14. Madwithstars

    Madwithstars Fapstronaut

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    I've been having some severe personal stress, and I'm so worried about the impact it could have on him. We are in a long distance relationship so we reply on phone calls, and now, Skype. Skype was a new thing for us because he always refuse it, he just didn't like it unless it was for sexual things. But ever since he gave PMO up he hasn't been as selfish like that, and he has given it a go and now he loves it and sees how beneficial it is to be able to see each other as well as talk to each other.

    But lately, since my stress, the skyping has been a bit less, and the phone calls less and for shorter times. I know it's probably because I use simply am barely talking due to my depression and it can't be a fun prospect for him to call me etc.
    It makes me worry though, that I could be driving him to unsafe thoughts, and temptations. We have accountability software on his laptop and phone so I'll know if he looks at Anything but what if I drive him to M by making him not desire talking not me?

    I'm a mess. My world has been turned upside down twice in such a short space of time, and I don't know what to do with myself.
     
  15. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

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    Your emotional state should have nothing to do with his recovery lovely. If the fact that You're depressed makes him relapse then he is doing it for the wrong reasons. His desire to stay clean should come from within himself. I can understand why you're worried but try not to put the pressure on yourself. Your actions shouldn't effect his desire to stop. We all have ups and downs in life. The point of a healthy relationship is that we support each other in times of need. Try telling him how You feel. Tell him that you're feeling down and struggling. And that's why you're not as talkative as usual.
     
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  16. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    His recover is his to do, by himself. He needs to control himself. You are not responsible for his recovery and its success. Personally I wish we could do more to help our partners, but it is there journey to battle alone. All we can do is support.
    There are a million reasons why he could turn to porn. No need for you to drive yourself crazy and imagine reasons why he would fail.
    The best thing you can do right now is look after yourself. Depression is very difficult. Are you getting some help for this?
    Take care beautiful. Check in with us soon and let us know how you are going.
     
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  17. WOTL

    WOTL Fapstronaut

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    @Madwithstars I highly recommend the book The Untethered Soul. It can help with the issues you are facing. All the best to you.
     
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  18. Toven

    Toven Fapstronaut

    Thank you @Madwithstars for sharing this journal. You don't know how it helps others. I am sorry for your struggle, but it sounds like you two are working through something that will one day be a blip on your long-term radar. Look at what you're establishing: true tent poles of honesty, emotional intimacy and a deep history. Your communication is far better than most couples, it sounds, and if he keeps up his hard work, trust will only grow more and more each day.

    May I offer some humble advice? It may be useful, it may not be. It may have already been suggested, I'm not sure... but don't try to either compete with or replace his PMO addiction in your sex life. The two things are not mutually exclusive and are in no way colleagues or peers. PMO is an unhealthy form of self-abuse, and like many forms of unhealthy self-abuse, it will have an effect on your physical intimacy.

    Why compete with something unhealthy? Do not feed his unhealthy fantasies or try to recreate them in the bedroom. What good can that accomplish? Instead, feed him something better, the things he can't get from P, namely intimacy with someone whom you are emotionally intimate with. A soft touch from someone who loves and approves of you. A look in the eyes, not filled with lust, but genuine love and care. For many of us PMO addicts, PMO replaced genuine love, and it is a synthetic substitute. But the real thing feels so much better. Reteach him this. Talk to him, use his name in a loving way, and continue to offer your support. When you're frustrated, communicate it in healthy ways.

    There is a lot of pressure on you, I know, but do not take it all on. At the end of the day, you're playing a support role in HIS addiction. As much as the romantic lady might want to say this is 'our problem', it's not true. You have your problems as a result of his problems. Your fears are not unfounded (forgive the double-neg) since triggers are really everywhere and you just cannot control him, especially as he is long distance. But you can support and you can show love. You cannot win this battle for him, but you can be there by his side.

    I sincerely wish you both every good wish, and I look forward to hearing more positive news. I'm sorry for how you must feel, so helpless at times, but you are a real lady, and you should be proud you are doing everything you can for your man. He has a gem in you, and it sounds like you do too, as he appears to be giving all he has. All the best!
     
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  19. Madwithstars

    Madwithstars Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much x
     
  20. Madwithstars

    Madwithstars Fapstronaut

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    I just want to say thank you so much for taking the time to read about my thoughts, and any input you all have given. I find it really inspiring and helpful to hear from both the sides of this addiction.

    The personal stress that I've been going through has been hard to deal with. It is not related to my partner or his addiction. I've been busy today though, so not thought about it quite as much. It's my sons father, we were like best friends, we both decided to split over 2years ago, it was loveless, mor like friends. Anyway, when he comes to my parents house (which is where me and my son are staying until I can get a place with Matt) to pick my boy up he usually stays the night on the couch and goes in the morning with Louis. Louis' dad moved to Norfolk when we split, to stay with his parents.

    Anyway, he was here recently for my sons birthday party. And when I left him in the house alone ( to go to work, I work only 1.5 hours a day) he took the opportunity to go into my parents bedroom, rummage through there belongings, find my dads money box and key, open it, find £3,000 and take it. We discovered it was gone shortly after he had hugged me goodbye. The bastard.

    He confirmed it last night. It's been so hard and difficult because of my son. And I really don't know how to move forward with it, I just wish I could cut him out of our lives entirely.
     
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