Diary of a supportive Girlfriend's thoughts.

So, hi.

I'm not sure what to put for my first entry, and I not even sure how often I will use this but I figured, so many others seem to be feeling the benefit of getting out thoughts here, so I might as well try.

I've been with my partner ( he's on here too) for 2 years now. When we met it was life changing, having both had our hearts obliterated by lies and deceit and cheating, we found solace and peace in each other's desire for honesty and strong desire to ALWAYS be truthful. No bullshit. No lies. No secrets.

I always new he loved PMO, and I did think it was more than the average guy but I never really thought it was a problem until I started connected dots. The biggest one that caught my eye was the fact that I was unable to make him O no matter what I did. He always had to finish himself off. I felt ugly about this. But he reassured me that he's always been that way and that it isn't because of me.

I started to wonder why it was that way and that maybe it wasn't normal. I began observing his technique and realising it wasn't a normal method (death grip) and began looking up on the Internet and found a link to excessive M and the problems we were encountering. He also frequently had issues with staying erect during sex.

We talked, he said it made sense and admitted he does do it a bit too much so we agreed for him to lessen the amount. But fast forward, and it just didn't work out the way we wanted it to. Many lies later, we face the cold hard truth.

Since then we have talked almost non stop, we have shared thoughts, feelings, truths.
We have researched, and found that actually, what we thought was the problem, was the tip of the iceberg. We have discovered the depth of his problem together, and though I am 100% heartbroken from the lies, the unfaithfulness, the not being enough, the finding out of things, the hearing that having sex with me was not enough to please him and he had to think of other things just to get through it, the grief, the ground beneath me falling away, everything.........despite this, I am 100% supportive of my man.

Why? Because he has shown me how much he wants to change. How much he hates it, how badly it affected his life. He has shown me that he means what he says when he says he's trying. My love for him has entered a different place, it's stronger in many ways.

As of right now he has gone 22 Days without PMO, and I cannot express how proud I am of him. As a result, his personality has changed, his tone of voice, his level of respect increased, his attraction to me grown, his view of what we were before is crystal clear.

I might as well add that we are in a long distance relationship. I love in lancashire and he lives in London. We see each other about once a month for a week at a time. The last time I saw him, we had sex but he didn't O so when he comes to visit this Thursday, it will be 24 For him. We have put plans in motion to live together as soon as possible but it still will take time because we need to save etc.

I am nervous about him going home after that. What if he just relapses after that? And even more of a worry, is what if he can't tell me he's relapsed? I just need honesty.
If I get honesty, I will give everything I have.

Anyway. That will do for now, other than to add that I have had a bad relationship with P since age 16, when in a mentally abusive relationship with a boy obsessed with P and constantly told me I wasn't as good as those girls. Amongst other things. As a result, the eating disorder I developed at age 13 ( due to issues at home with being made to feel inferior, not good enough) came into the forefront and I self destructed. I've been battling it all year years, I'm now 32. This does put me in the position of being able to emphasise with compulsive behaviours, and how hard they are to overcome.

Thanks for reading, if you did.

 

@nfprogress

Thank you for your input
When we last saw each other and had sex, he had already gone about 10days without PMO and was already seeing the benefits. He felt more pleasure during sex being one of the big ones. And I will try to keep him relaxed about it because you are right, the worry a man has over things during sex can definitely affect things.

 

Thank you @Pradeep you make a good point and I agree that relapse isn't dishonesty, however, if he is dishonest about the relapse, I will associate that with dishonesty. I will support him, through the good and the bad, he knows he can talk to me now, he knows how I react to honesty even painful truths, but if he doesn't stay honest with me, I'll have little left to offer him.

 

My partner has certain fetishes, I won't go into them in case it's triggering for anyone, but I do want to talk about something to do with them. His fetish has increased over the years, got more extreme in nature. One of the websites he would go on, detailed where this fetish appeared in normal tv etc. This bothers me particularly because I worry that there are triggers potentially everywhere. I have to think about every film I watch with him, or any story line even in everyday to shows.

I don't know what the point of writing this info is but I just needed to get it out I guess. I will support him endlessly providing of course that he co tiniest to be open and honest and tries his hardest to overcome this, but sometimes I get this feeling like I can't do this.

I just long for normality, and sometimes, it all just seems so overwhelming. All the things that have happened, all the things that could happen. I repeat things in my head, I can't help it. We just downloaded some accountability software, which will help, but it doesn't take away the things that have happened. His obsession with another woman keeps playing on my mind. He wanted her, and it hurts.

I hate these moments of depression,because it's not helpful and I do, above all else, want to help him.

 

@TheWife we are using covenant eyes. So far it's looking pretty good, I think it will be helpful to both of us for different reasons.

He has tried to find an accountability partner on here, but no joy yet, for now I am that role, and it seems to be working out ok

 

Well, @Matt85Child stayed a bit longer than we had originally planned. In the time that he was here, we did have sex but he never had an O. He has issues having one because of his deathgrip M method. So I've lost count on how long it has been since he last had an O. 30 something days I think. I am struggling with guilt that he didn't climax. I wanted him to be 'rewarded' for his efforts. Though I know he views the new sensations as reward, I still wanted to give him more.

Right now, I just feel depressed that he's not here, and I won't be seeing him for a further 3 Weeks.

 

I can be as supportive as I like but the one thing I can't control is the flashbacks.
I keep seeing her face in my head, I keep hearing his words. I keep seeing the messages they sent each other.

How come I can get so far, and feel almost ok, then all of a sudden if invades my brain and my thoughts like a disease? I can't stop it, or make it go away, I have to just wait till it fades again.

It's times like this that I hate myself so much it hurts.

He was happy to risk my entire happiness, and his entire future with me, for her. Why? She couldn't give him anything more than what I was already giving him. But yet she took him away from me until I found out. She caught my man.he wanted to be caught by her. I feel so ugly, so worthless, so.......disposable. And that's the trouble with me, my whole life has been a series of people disposing of me.

I hate that this is so negative, because he has been brilliant ever since and done all the right things. I feel more in love with him than ever, so why won't this go????

Once I think of her, I start to think of the lies. Then the lies to cover the lies. Then I just fall apart with what feels like grief.

It doesn't help that I don't think he comes on here anymore, not really. I read a post from someone who relapsed after a very long success, who said they put it down to not coming back on here and thinking they were doing so well. Taking it for granted. I worry about that. I want my partner to read the successes, the failures, the advice, regularly, seeing as this will always be something he has to control.

I don't want to get out of bed. I want to ignore life for a bit.

 

I'm sill very much struggling with depression, but I thought rather than just talk about the bad things I'm feeling, I would mention some of the positive changes I have seen in @Matt85Child.

He is almost a completely different person, so here is a list of the changes I've seen so far.

• He doesn't answer the phone with a horrible tone anymore.
• His tone of voice in general is kinder, softer.
• He smiles more.
• He looks at me more.
• He accepts compliments better.
• He isn't as sarcastic.
• He doesn't patronise me.
• He listens.
• He lets me talk.
• He asks how I am.
• He doesn't turn me away anymore when I'm in distress.
• He's more emotional.
• He's more sensitive to everything around him.
• He has more sympathy.
• He's more affectionate, both physically and verbally.
• He talks to me more.
• He's more loving.
• He tells me he loves me, frequently and in a meaningful way.
• He thinks I'm more beautiful.
• He tells me I'm beautiful.
• He compliments me.
• He looks forward to seeing me more.
• He misses me more.
• He touches me with tenderness.
• He's not aggressive.
• He's not argumentative.
• He doesn't belittle me as a joke.
• He takes my problems more seriously.
• He makes me a priority.
• He appreciates me more.
• He understands my personality more.
• He wants more out of life and intends to get it.
• He not overbearing, or overpowering.
• Sexually, he is a much better lover.
• His reactions to sexual interactions between us has completely changed.
• He's more interested in me.
• He doesn't stay up all night, he goes to bed normal time.
• He gets up a normal time.
• He does more exercise.
• He's been getting on better with his family.
• He's been getting on better it's my family.
• We Skype a lot( we are Long distance relationship but never used to Skype because he didn't like it)
• He is less selfish.
• He is less demanding.
• He is far more considerate.

There is more I'm sure, and maybe I will do another of these another time.
Bottom line is, he is becoming the man I always new he could be. The man of my dreams. The man I always needed.

 

That made me smile