Devastated

Two days ago, my wife discovered my porn / escort usage. Ironically this was as a result of an online program I'd done - I'd written the answers to a module on a piece of paper which she found in the car, written two or three years ago. I've actually significantly improved since those days - not perfect, but better - but of course this counts for very little.

I am now kicked out of the house, staying with my mum and dad, no access to my wife or kids, and she has made very clear that she intends to move on with her life, file for divorce and so on.

Porn has destroyed my life. I have lost everything - and I mean everything - house, wife, kids, and throw in the career I lost though redundancy a few months ago, I have nothing left.

This will be nothing compared to what my wife is going through - and her parents whom I was close to - but I am utterly heartbroken and devastated that I have caused so much hurt and anger. They have every right to be angry and hurt and I hate myself. I will forever hate myself for this.

This is not a problem that can be 'solved'. It is more a case of losing everything that I held dear - although obviously I didn't value them above porn or whatever during our relationship - and that being irreplaceable.

I now don't know what I am going to do. I have nothing left. And you might think that we'll talk and after months of hard work I will regain her trust. That won't happen. I know my wife. She will not change her mind.

I suppose I am writing this as a cathartic measure. I am in pieces. I even wrote on that piece of paper "I will lose my wife". Yes I have. I am utterly devastated and heartbroken. It is all my own fault. I deserve everything I get.

She won't read this (obviously) but I cannot express enough how sorry I am to her for causing her so much hurt and pain. I would do anything - I mean anything - to rebuild her trust in me. Even if it cuts no ice, I have do that for myself.

If you are reading this and you have a similar issue - stop right now. I mean, literally, right now. It will destroy you. You might brush it under the carpet. It will always destroy you in the end. Always. Please, for the sake of your life and those you care about, stop before it is too late.

I didn't, and now I am paying the price.

 

Let me tell you now. You will be caught and when you are, your life - and those you care about - will be in pieces. I cannot express enough how it just isn't worth it.

Thank you.

It is a week on. My wife and I have had some conversation. I don't know what is going to happen in the longer term but the pain of what I have done affects us both very badly.

I have sought professional help and am keeping my wife updated, so that she may see that I am finally taking steps to be a better person. I keep a private journal too and am just beginning the process of working on myself. For me, I am at the beginning of a long journey, and admitting I have a problem to my parents was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

From my initial shock, I am now much more accepting of what will happen next. If she wants a divorce I will obviously go down that route and will make it as painless as possible. I hope that we can work together, but we shall see. I have sworn to myself, and to her, that no matter what happens, I will work tirelessly to regain her trust. It will be very difficult, but I don't believe it is impossible.

My true recovery will be to (a) stop what I've done - and I am delighted that with my therapist I am putting boundaries in place; (b) start to become a stronger, better person in the future with healthy hobbies and goals; (c) make amends to those I care about. Only when I have done all three of these can I truly say I am on the way to recovery.

I am not going to post here every day but I will keep the group updated.

 

Hello,

Well here is a little update for you, now we are three weeks on. I hope that if you are reading this, and you are in a relationship and wish to quit, this is motivational for you.

My wife has filed for divorce, first of all. This does not mean that divorce is a certainty, but I strongly suspect it is very likely, with all the problems and emotion that causes. She is crushed, hurt and upset by my actions. But more than that, she is devastated because I am not the man that she thought I was. I led a double life. She does not know who I am any more - not that I suppose she really knew to begin with.

I have had to become accepting of what she chooses to do. Frankly, I do not feel like husband material at all, so deep down in my heart of hearts I know this is the right thing. It is horrible as there are children involved, one on the way.

I am currently living at home with my parents, with limited access to see my children. I feel I can't go back to my home town. My life, to be honest, needs totally rebuilding as everything that I had (including my job, which I was made redundant from earlier this year) has gone.

Now, if you are continuing to use porn, or in my case escalate it to offline behaviours, let me tell you now: this is your future. I can't tell you what to do, but I hope that you can see that when you are caught - which you will be, sooner rather than later - you lose everything.

So where am I going from here?

I thought long and hard about moving away from everything. Just literally, packing a bag, moving elsewhere in the country and starting again. But I realise that this is not the right thing to do.

I have therefore vowed to do the following things:

1) Understand daily that I cannot overcome this addiction on my own.
2) Work relentlessly to build trust and respect, particularly with my wife / ex-wife.
3) Make amends for the damage I have caused to all parties.
4) Become a better human being through overcoming my addiction and moving towards who I want to be.

To this end, as well as keeping people updated on here, I have:

• Obtained the services of a professional sexual therapist who is helping to work with me to overcome my addiction, understanding its root cause and the best way forward
• Joined a 12-step SAA group to talk about my feelings in an open and safe setting
• Been as open and honest as I can be with my wife as she asks questions and been as accommodating to her as I can be in the process we are now going through
• Spoken with my wife's parents and apologised humbly to them, telling them I am going to make amends
• Spoken with my own parents who are being supportive and apologised to them
• Spoken with a trusted friend who has agreed to be an accountability partner for me
• Placed software on my laptop and on my phone which tracks my usage; this information gets sent to my accountability partner, and if I attempt to disable / remove the software, they are alerted
• Taken steps to introduce better, healthier habits - daily meditation, exercise, better eating, more social contact - all of which I am tracking. Proud to say I have meditated daily for over a week, and exercised daily for over a week

All this stuff is very important for my recovery. I am currently on the 9th day of my streak. It is very difficult, particularly with the children and with the divorce proceedings at the moment. But the best thing that I think I can do right now is to become the best person I can be. Everything else will follow.