Desperation is bad, but being alone all the time forces desperation

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Robotnickx, Nov 19, 2018.

  1. Robotnickx

    Robotnickx Fapstronaut

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    Need some advice here.

    Went through a pretty traumatic few years, lost my career, friends all moved away, had to start a new career, some health issues.

    Long story short I haven't been on a date in a while and that desperation is starting to sink in. They say desperation is bad but it's like, how the hell am I ever going to get a girlfriend then?

    I'm at the point where I think I'm going to just start hitting on random women even if it seems desperate otherwise I'm never going to get anywhere. If I have to keep being alone all the time I feel like I'm going to go crazy. My confidence is shot, but it's not like I'm scared. It's just that my skills with women are gone and I have no idea how to get them back besides just going for it and being desperate. Otherwise I'll think I'll go crazy in 6 months, isolation is a fucking bitch. Not fapping does not help the feeling isolated, in fact no fapping is making the isolation way worse.

    wtf can I do besides just talking to random woman until one says yes? It's like be patient, don't be desparate yada yada yada, say that after you've been entirely alone for 2 years and things aren't getting better. I am fucking desparate, isolation is crippling and I can't take it much longer.
     
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  2. Sharksvv

    Sharksvv Fapstronaut

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    What is your family life like? Do you have parents/siblings etc?

    If you say you can’t take it much longer maybe spending some time with some family would do you good.

    Although I understand not everyone has family they can lean on so it’s just a suggestion.
     
  3. Robotnickx

    Robotnickx Fapstronaut

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    My family... sucks. I mean, they're good people usually but they don't really listen or talk to me at all. If I ever try to talk to them about anything serious they just start talking over me so I've given up on that avenue entirely. My sister is cool, but she lives 12 hours away so I rarely see her.

    They basically have an attitude that I have no right to complain about anything and serious issues are just ignored e.g. I herniated a disc in my neck and they were like suck it up buttercup and hit me in the neck. So that pretty much was the end of any hope for them.

    The conversations I have with people here on nofap are more in depth and encouraging than it ever gets with my family.
     
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2018
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  4. de severn

    de severn Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

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    What area do you live in?
     
  5. Robotnickx

    Robotnickx Fapstronaut

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    Alberta Canada, land of the drunken cowboys.
     
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  6. lolos

    lolos Fapstronaut

    You have to find validation and happiness from within. You will always be alone if you can't do this, regardless of how many friends you have.
     
  7. WanderTruth

    WanderTruth Fapstronaut

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    i dont know... maybe you should do some volunteer?( to be honest i have not done it before lol). but i think at least it helps yoi to deal with being alone and you have a chance to meet others.
     
  8. tiredofdoingthis

    tiredofdoingthis Fapstronaut

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    I get the part about your family not listening and deeper conversations on here. I still struggle with having a family like that. I understand the desperation you are feeling. I understand how difficult it feels being alone. I would suggest you get involved with others any way possible. Maybe that's a dating site. Maybe it is church. Maybe it is volunteering. Just find a way to be involved with people. I know that can be easier said than done. I think if you can be around some people and find some situations where you can just feel okay about things, maybe the dating/woman will come.
     
  9. countitjoy5

    countitjoy5 Fapstronaut

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    No matter how bad the isolation, no matter how crippling the loneliness and desperate you become over your situation, how is fapping in the midst of it going to make your life any more endurable? PMO will make it utter hell - it will amplify your grief. Reboot and use your sexual energy to build a life that a woman will want to be a part of.

    I don't care how much pain you're in, PMO will only increase your suffering.
     
  10. LOSEmyselftoSAVEmyself

    LOSEmyselftoSAVEmyself Fapstronaut

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    Believe me, I understand. I have virtually no friends or family. There is no one.

    The reason this happened is a mystery in large part. After my divorce in 2017, I moved back to my hometown. My family suddenly decided they wanted to control me. I started spacing out the time I spent with them.

    This action made it worse, so I spaced it out a little more, and I went nordo last spring.

    I had some friends from my hometown, but I hadn't hung out with them on a regular basis because when I was married, I lived kind of far, about 3 hours away. I was lucky to reach any of them by phone once a week.

    I had other problems while I was married. My mental illness got severe. I couldn't work anymore, and was largely alone and isolated. My wife couldn't stand me, and when the dashing young new guy came in to the office, though he was engaged with a pregnant fiance, she couldn't resist him.

    I left her, had no contacts back there, and the few I had back in my hometown were nearly as hard to reach as when I lived with my ex-wife!

    I stayed in my hometown for a year, but the loneliness ate me as though I was raw meat fed to sharks. I did some good things there, such as lose my weight, and work the NoFap program, completing a 97 day full reboot. The reboot changed the way I saw my life.

    I know this is a long post, it's not necessary to read it all, but here's my opinion about loneliness:
    1. If I ask God for a woman, and then go out and work at finding one, sooner or later I will succeed.

    2. Women and their needs are impossible to satisfy on any level.

    3. Women are inconvenient, unpredictable, and expensive.

    4. A woman ultimately does not help a man with his loneliness. The reason is that she can't earnestly appreciate him. She may say it with her mouth, but it's just a game. She has to validate her man, and even if she has decided she wants to leave him, kill him, or cheat on him, she will still say words that keep him in the delusion of love. She plays both sides against the middle on a continuous basis. She usually doesn't lose this game, as long as there is some guy to have sex with her, she's golden.

    5. Another thing to consider is that a woman can't validate me is because she doesn't really know or even care about what I have worked for. Was she counting my reps as I lost 100 lbs? Did she appreciate my prose as I wrote my books? Did she offer good criticism on my album? No. She doesn't care. All she does is wait until the moment when she thinks the man needs a compliment, and she gives it, empty and meaningless as it is.

    How does this help a man?

    This leaves the one thing left that she actually can offer, which is isolated to the sex.

    Prostitutes are pros at this. Their goal is to collect the money, get a man turned on, get him to the finish line, and jet. She counts her money on the way out the door.

    For me, this is awesome. Of course, you can't have unprotected sex with a prostitute, unless you WANT aids. With a condom, the medical community sees it as a low risk thing. Even though I'm a Christian, I might use a prostitute. The reason is because sometimes I just don't have the will to live. A prostitute acts cool, is interested, and doesn't make any personal demands. As long as the customer pays what is agreed upon, and it's clear up front, it's not a big deal.

    It's half up front, and half after it's over. The second half of the money, I keep hidden!
     
  11. tiredofdoingthis

    tiredofdoingthis Fapstronaut

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    Dude, I think you are completely wrong here. You have to be vulnerable in a relationship. A woman isn't going to give you everything you need. That is true, but part of a relationship is loving. Love involves being vulnerable. Vulnerability and love was missing from my parents marriage and my home growing up. It has taken years for me to understand and develop being vulnerable. Once you are in a good relationship, you will see that it is completely worth it. Love and sex are two completely different things. Don't settle for paying someone. All of the issues you talked about could be part of a relationship, but that's part of opening your life up to someone. You might be surprised. If you find the one, they would be proud of you for losing the weight, writing in journals and making an album. It is called sharing in your partner's life. Your victories become their victories. By settling for a prostitute, you are giving up on ever having love, opening yourself up to a whole world of potential problems and adding to the problem of that person by degrading them. In effect, you are playing out porn in real life.
     
  12. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

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    Very well said. I too have numerous times thought of going to some random whore and fucking her brains out but deep down I know it's pathetic and not the way to be. What are you achieving by even doing such an act? Only fooling yourself. I could never fool myself. And that's the source of my misery and potential happiness.
     
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  13. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

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    Go for it man. The scattergun technique is worth a try. At least you're out there trying to meet a girl and not in your room playing video games or jacking it to porn.
     
  14. cosmos_man

    cosmos_man Fapstronaut

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    Robotnickx, you asked for advice so I'm going to give it to you straight up. I totally get that feeling of isolation and having no skills/friends as I was there back in the day.

    1. Before even thinking about getting a girlfriend/dating, you need to work on yourself and get some confidence going. Otherwise you're going to appear very clingy which is a turn off and not end up with a high quality girl and further make you feel worse, this is not a sprint.
    2. Start/continue working out and get in shape.
    3. Get involved in some activities with other people (not to date) so you can make some social connections. Join a sports team, meetup group, church group, volunteering, etc.
    4. After 6m - yr of the above start putting yourself out there to meet girls but before you do, spend some time researching and implementing characteristics of alpha guys. You don't have to be like a guy who's just looking to pickup girls but there are certain traits dealing with confidence that will certainly improve your "game" ten fold.
    5. In terms of meeting woman, try an online dating site, I met like 40 girls over one summer including my current wife who I've been married to for over 8 years. It gets you a lot of practice and the first "date" should just be meeting at coffee shop or a bar, don't spend too much time talking to them via chat or text before, meet them in person. You can meet so many girls this way and practice talking to them and applying many of the techniques posted by others in this form.
     
  15. Badme

    Badme Fapstronaut

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    there are some people out there suffering more than you suffer, just keep believing and have confidence in yourself and do believe in god... PEACE
     
  16. Badme

    Badme Fapstronaut

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    Really what kind of family is that you are getting man.. that really suck man. Family are meant to be helping each other not causing more trouble..
     
  17. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

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    Family can turn into assholes. Mine did. Thats why I didnt have a family Thanksgiving celebration.
     
  18. LOSEmyselftoSAVEmyself

    LOSEmyselftoSAVEmyself Fapstronaut

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    For the most part, I can agree with the response. Especially the part about vulnerability. Being vulnerable to my weaknesses made me realize that I was scared to perform on stage. How could this happen? I'd been playing forever.

    I decided to feel the fear. I started by busking with a homeless drunk. I quickly realized that the traffic noice ate me up. An open stage was a new circumstance. I started out with doing one per week, only cover songs. After about a month, I had reworked a bunch of originals, and was ready to perform them. Ever since, I only do originals.

    Since this process started, I went from a total newbie, to performing out, to singing in a scared mumble, to singing in bass, to opening up into a full throttle alto.

    About the prostitute situation, there is little doubt that buying those services has some problems. It is not recommended as a regular thing. However, if someone has completed a reboot and they have their life on track, it's not a big deal once or twice a year, especially when getting real dates has been elusive at best.

    I can't judge someone's sexuality other than my own. The only thing I can say that it could be considered "playing out porn in real life" if someone defines it that way, via their own perspective. If that is the case, it could be a problem. For me, I do not see it like that.
     
  19. qasim0047

    qasim0047 Fapstronaut

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    I can understand your situation buddy...


    I believe it ( PORN + MB) has ruined my life...I have no friends...NO Job.. Its been 2 years I am graduated from my university (also faced great great difficulty in completing my studies)..and unable to secure job. Got scare because of the interviews \ insults...
    unable to focus on anything. Unable to sleep at nights.
    All the time..I am angry without any reason..

    I also have a great pain in my knees...also with depression & anxiety m facing..it made me obese as well. I used to weigh 68kg (5.7'' ft), few years back and now 100kg. I am 27 years old now.

    I won't do it again ever. Now I need to focus on my life..how to reduce weight...getting a job etc..getting some skills..going out..meet new people and all that !!!
    Only in morning its hard to control..rest the whole day I am normal and dnt feel the urge of doing it. The main problem m facing in my life is
    " focus and concentration" , I am unable to think clearly..get panic on everything...When I wake up I could not move out of my bed..just start staring at the ceiling for hours with no reason. I really need my life back...wish could meet my old friends and gf's. I deliberately left everyone...got into isolation mode since last 2-3 years even before my graduation. Feel so helpless sometimes.
     
  20. j0rdi3

    j0rdi3 Fapstronaut

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    Dude... I have had a similar thing happen with me although mine had to do with smoking weed and slacking off rather than PMO. It's been about two years since I graduated and I'm still unemployed, with a similar friend situation, although I do have some friends and a girlfriend. I feel you in the whole depressed and anxious feelings department.. I've been feeling muscle weakness and fatigue for about two months now and I think that my whole job situation and my inability to find a good job has something to do with it.

    All that being said. There is still hope for you and me. We CAN get jobs and start working, make PLENTY of friends and have GREAT lives. And the best part is: Those times of our lives aren't probably even that far off! Trust me, the sooner you and I reach into ourselves and find that attitude of complete positivity towards our situations, and cut away the unproductive habits we have developed, the sooner we can rise out of this slump and make something of ourselves! YOU CAN DO IT, MAN. I believe in you!

    This is the way I think of it
    : You wouldn't still be in the position that you're in if you didn't still have something else to learn! So learn that thing and move on to the next part of life! I'll be doing the same thing, bro!
     

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