Desire to hire escort just to kiss and hug her

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Freedom_from_PMO, Apr 24, 2019.

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  1. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    My last relationship ended circa year ago. I feel lots of loneliness and lack of female companionship and intimacy. I was depressed, but I am mentally fine now (except for the fact that porn messed me).

    I was brosing site with escort profiles (this is legal when I live). There was one women who cathed my eye. She was attractive, 6 ft 1/185 cm (I am 6 ft 3/191 cm and I like tall women) and she offered among other things gfe meetings (girlfriend experience) and kissing. From few days I have repetative thoughts about meeting her. Last few days were full of bad invasive thoughts about gay sex and sissification. I am recovering from sissy hypno. I was straight and cis all my life. I never (also I do not like them now) liked male bodies. Sissy hypno gives you dopamine high from feeling female, also in sexual situation. I haven't even watched that much of it and no permanent or so called curse files. I say: do not watch this, never.

    I almost relapsed yesterday I was for a moment, I was stimulating my anus while wearing lingerie, but I stopped myself. I was flaccid during that experience and it scared me because normally when aroused I am hard.

    This morning I was gently touching myself (no stroking, edging, I do not want relapse) and fantasizing about the escort. It took me a longer moment to become hard, but I finally got solid erection and stopped worrying. It might took a moment because I felt ashamed of all those gay and sissy thoughts and before that I checked if plugs are still giving me erection. It did, but felt not so good. I might finally losing interest in anal.

    I was fantisising about kissing and cuddling with the escort and also more erotic things while touching myself. Yesterday I was almost sure that I will call her because of compulsive use of fetish dating site, that happened to me and all the gay thoughts. But when I regained control the desire to see her was gone. Today after I fantasized about her I am again thinking of seeing her. I don't want to have sex her, I want kisses, hugging, cuddling. I don't know what to do.
     
  2. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

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    This is a terrible idea. You miss the female touch, but back then it was real and sincere. If you pay a prostitute to do that with her, you will be paying someone to pretend they love you. You will end up feeling worse if you do it.
     
  3. SpringWater

    SpringWater Fapstronaut

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    Dont do it...go monk mode. Focus on spirituality( whatever you are drawn to)
     
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  4. Origin32

    Origin32 Fapstronaut

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    GFE is kryptonite for me, and if an escort agrees to it it is very difficult for me to not end up seeing her. If I try to prevent myself for going to see her, I will constantly return back to my phone, browse her pictures, and begin to fantasize about making out with her while having sex through the pictures she has on her ad.

    Kissing is a huge turn on for me, almost as much as the sex. I think the reason why is because it is so personal - it's a connection you're making with her. In my eyes it is more personal than the sex, because your tongue doesn't have protection around it.

    I also have a fetish with women's feet. I always ask the women I see if their toes are done, and if they can send me a picture of them so I can visualize if they are phenotypically what I desire. I have always had this weird thing for feet. When I was a kid women's feet made me so uncomfortable. I would hate the summer time, because people would wear sandals. Then once I hit puberty, in high school it because erotic to me. If I was sitting next to a pretty girl, and she was wearing flip flops, I would always look down so see what they're feet looked like. If they were taken care of it would arouse the hell out of me. There is something so feminine and sexy about a girl with pretty feet to me.

    I don't really view porn, but if I do I will look up foot fetish porn, and if I masturbate to porn I always have to do it to a scene where I can see the woman's feet. Shit is kind of weird I guess, but they are some of my triggers as to why I see escorts. It is awkward to tell some girl you're dating or sleeping with you find feet as a turn on. With escorts I can just ask if they're cool with the fetish and not care.
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2019
  5. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    I am roman catholic and I have well developed spiritual life with a theoretical background. My faith helped me many times. I don't know how I would deal without the ways theology showed me. I would either end completely falling to inner darknes or start to hate myself.
     
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  6. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    I love kissing. I was oftem making out with my gf, but we decided to not do anything to erotic with our hands, so no groping, hands under clothes, touching breasts, genital areas, butt or legs. But I really enjoyed her hands on my neck and in my hair, it was more electrising than sexual feeling. We aimed for maximum intimacy minimum sexual arousal. I was hard anyway, but I wasn't focused on it, sometimes I was even forgotting about it and have realisation that I am still hard after we finished.

    Making out during sex is a huge turn on for me, but I was satisfied with a practice we had.
     
  7. thorswrath32

    thorswrath32 Fapstronaut

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    I've wondered about the same thing you have before regarding hiring an escort just to experience intimacy, but i'm glad i've never went through with it. I know myself better than i ever have and one thing is true, i'm an addict, so i believe going in the direction of hiring escorts would end up becoming another debilitating problem for me and it's taken everything i've got to overcome my old demons.

    I think what you are experiencing like a lot of porn addicts and sex addicts is a lack of intimacy, compassion and empathy towards yourself and the lack of an outlet for you to give intimacy compassion and empathy to others in a physical and meaningful way. I don't believe hiring an escort is a shortcut to that since they are basically just 'acting' it's not genuine intimacy or respect they feel for you, you are paying for it.

    As the old saying goes 'a fool and his money are easily parted'

    We all have a lot of recovery to go through and nothing happens overnight. I've been thinking myself how to include an element of intimacy or caring in my life since i live on my own and i'm currently thinking about getting a pet. granted it's not the same as having an actual partner you can talk to etc but pets can be excellent companions and they have been proven to improve the mental health of people. Personally i've been thinking about getting a cat, it's something to look after, to remind me that the world doesn't revolve around me and it's something that needs me to look after it, something to respect and cherish.

    Things like porn, casual sex contacts etc are just ways for us to get a quick fix which always leaves us wanting and never truly fulfilled.
     
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  8. TealKoala

    TealKoala Fapstronaut

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    I hired an escort, not for intimacy but to experience sex. I was a 30 year old virgin and wanted to know what I was missing. She was cool and personable, easy to talk to, but it wasn't really intimate. The sex was unsatisfying, there was no embrace even though it was GFE. She kissed me when I asked if I could but there was nothing to it, like our lips touched but there was nothing there she didn't kiss back. It wasn't a bad experience persay but it didn't really give me what I wanted at all. I would be suprised if you would feel satisfied if you hired one for intimacy, my recommendation is don't do it.

    On a different note, this sissification and gay thoughts, I don't know if it's healthy to be scared of them. I can't speak to what's normal in your country but I think you should realize that thoughts and desires are normal, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Have straight thoughts, weird thoughts, gay thoughts, whatever, just accept yourself that this is what you think about sometimes, and accept however it makes you feel. You are a human being with needs and desires and that's ok. Also getting yourself hard thinking about an escort isn't really helpful, you should be spending that energy doing something else. Go court real girls, work out, learn a hobby or just do something fun, but lightly touching yourself and thinking about escorts is basically edging.
     
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  9. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the insight about gfe escort, that is bad idea to try. Gay and sissy stuff was three days long fixation that left me as suddely as it came.

    I have to rant however about what you said about this whole accept yourself thing. I don't want to be overly harsh but it was more virtue signalling than helpful. I mean seriously, when the word "gay" shows up there is a chance that someone will say how society is evil and oppreses epic gays BOTTOM TEXT and how you should accept your gay thoughts no matter the personal context because it is so cool and tolerant. At this point I am hyperbolic. For me that desires were damaging because they made me almost fallinv to acts I am normally against, like casual, unprotected sex with stranger (I normally do not like all three aspects). What else, they were effect of mind manipulation and hypnotic porn. I noticed I developed many porn induced desired or tastes that were not my own. For example I want to feel during pmo strong submission to the poing of borderline rapey stuff. But when I introspect myself about my role in real sex I like most being switch with slight preference for gentle domination. When I do not have porn images in my mind this extreme submission seems to be not intesting. I know that your comment was all about accepting thoughts, but that trend of "just accept bro" camd to my mind and I get annoyed a bit xD.
     
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  10. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    I would feel different about those thoughts if they weren't pushing me to act self-destructive.
     
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2019
  11. Don;t do it man. It doesn't feel good if the girl doesn't like you back
     
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  12. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    May I provide a different view, and I hope it will take you on a better track.

    What you are experiencing is the withdrawal symptom of an addiction. The addiction is not to women, but to the feeling of completeness you believe another human being can give you, because you are lacking it.

    You basically crave the drug of attention. You have this addiction because sometime in your past (highly likely your formative 6-12 years old) you experienced neglect and loneliness. It was painful, and so you developed a coping mechanism that was great at that time for your survival (seeking attention), but that you didn’t re-evaluate in adulthood. Don’t get me wrong, I am not blaming you for not taking action on re-evaluating your beliefs, probably most men here are in the same boat.

    Unless you resolve this pain of your past loneliness and neglect, you will not move on, you’re likely to relapse with an escort or have more rubbish relationships in the future.

    You may be able to find a good psychotherapist to help you gently solve this problem, but if that’s not the case, try this: sit in a quiet place with a journal, remember any painful memory you have (may not be reality, don’t compare it with other’s experience, don’t see it through other’s eyes), re-live this experience and write the emotions, not the thoughts, in your journal. A few such session will release some of your emotional pain and fix some of your addictions.

    Sorry for the long post, but I hope it will help you :) it did help me a lot.

    Good luck!
     
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  13. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    You made some good points, but it was a bit diffefent. My addiction started because of a fetish and became coping mechanism much later. I always had very good relationship with my family. In 6-12 period I experienced some conflict with my peers but I always had some pals, since I became 13 I was always sociable enought to find some very good and loyal friends and fit in new school or university. I was hitted hard during my university years, that is recently, by the fact how bad I am at dating and romantic relationship and in how stark contrast it is to my relations with family or friends. I sucked at dating in high school too, but it wasn't something that really moved me, because lots of people went through phase of being cringy, angsty teenager. But as I am getting older, nothing really improves. I am much more self aware and wise in my decisions, but I still fail badly. I am working to better myself, but it takes ages and is barely noticed, except for friends that know about it. So I became extremely lonely after I realised that dating ia not only much harder than I thought but also much harder for me than for my peers and friends, even the "wierd" or "autistic" or "spergy" ones.
     
  14. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the extra info. Question from my side is why do you think you fail at dating? What and where is it that you believe is considered to fail? Do you not meet women in general, do you get shy around them, do you blow it up at some point, do they lose interest?

    Shyness has as a source anxiety and fear, fear of rejection.

    Blowing it up while dating has as source the fear of not being good enough for someone, so you setup your own script of ending the relationship before being exposed as not good enough. In my case it's been that I "knew" that once I set up a relationship with a girl, she'll start criticising me because I am not good enough, so I setup the scripts to not even reach that point.

    If they lose interest it is, in many cases, because they see that you have changed to please them, becoming needy, which has as source the fear of being neglected.

    Many times these happen in our brains before we even notice, it's a core belief we've developed somewhere along the way, we're not aware of them consciously, but we do get triggered by them. We're not born with these fears and we develop them along the way.
     
  15. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    If I feel not good enough I just don't start.

    I only had one relationship for 3-4 months and I am 24. That is why I consider myself a failiure.

    I thought a lot about why I am failing and I don't have the definite answear. I for 100% know that my weight is a problem, I am not obese but not in shape either. I am shy, but not to the point that I am not approaching when I really want to. I always had almost none female friends and I guess I am not very good at talking with women. I am very bad at flirting and bad at small talk. But the biggest problem is that I don't really see options for myself. I am too bad looking for online dating and my friend circles have too few single women. At this point I resigned from dating apps or going to event for singles and I am focusing on only thing I have some power over and that will give me confidence boost - that is fixing my appearence, I know I can do it and it will be accomplishment.
     
  16. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    Thanks again for sharing so much and keeping the conversation going. I don't think there's anything wrong with you at all, other than probably you're a bit lost in a few beliefs that are not getting you where you hope to be.

    First and foremost belief, you're 24 and not had a long term relationship. You are freakin' young and in your prime age to start life, by all means you're not even a slither of failure! When you'll be 124 and not have had long term relationships and children... maybe then you can consider you did not do that great on one chapter. Failure is such a strong word that we use casually today, failure truly means everything broken and I doubt there's anything broken with you.

    Second belief, your weight. When I was 24, I weighed 52kg/114lbs at 180cm/6' tall. By medical standards I was malnourished. And yet, I did have relationships with girls. You being a bit plum might be quite attractive for a gal that appreciates love handles. :p

    Third belief is that you're bad at flirting and bad at small talk. I rather think that behind the word "bad" there's a fear, fear of connection, of opening up to someone, that someone will find out you, inside, are bad, faulty; but the belief that you inside are bad is only a belief, probably sang by someone else to you before so many times that you think it's true. Being vulnerable in front of a girl takes huge courage and it's so appreciated by those girls that know it. It's easy to hide emotions, but it's not a beautiful trait.

    Fourth and final belief is that you need companionship, a woman. Ask yourself why do you need that. Is it written in the law that you must have by 24 years old a girlfriend? Is anyone gonna hold you responsible if you don't get a girlfriend this year? I think there is, there's that little voice in your head that's not your voice, but someone elses, that in the past held you responsible on ad-hoc decided standards.

    All these are beliefs are just thoughts that are implanted in your head by someone else. Sometimes society, most of the times parents and close family.

    About me: 37 years old, until about a month ago with severe cystic acne. Painful rejections from girls over the course of time (crying like a baby for weeks haha), three long failed relationships, one was a marriage. I don't have children, I'm very skinny and not much muscle, I have a lazy eye and my face is not symmetrical. I always asked myself: what the heck do these girls see in me?

    What would I do if I'd be 24 again? I'd learn new stuff: a musical instrument, photography, jump with a parachute, psychology. I'd focus on work that matters to me. I'd start the business I said to myself (through my dad) that I'm not good enough to start. And I would not chase girls, I'd quit social media and dating (apps too). I did the complete opposite.

    What will I do from 37 years old onwards? I recently picked up photography again, I want to learn to play Mozart on a violin, I want to skydive, to learn German etc. I will probably start a business soon and I will share my knowledge with other men that might find it useful. When a girl shows up and smiles at me, I'll consider it, but I'll try to not let it be the defining factor in my life. And if I won't have children (which I absolutely like so much), then so be it.
     
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  17. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    Oh, very important! Learn to cook plant based meals and then casually bring up images on your phone with what you cooked and say how you felt cooking them and how delicious they were. A man that cooks healthy is irresistible!
     
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  18. wwtl

    wwtl Fapstronaut

    That's one more than I had (unless you consider middle school hand-holding and kindergarten playground as "relationships").

    You focus on one single aspect while the rest of your life is not up to speed. You have to get into virtues/hobbies, do interesting stuff, maybe travel, so you become an interesting person, someone might be interested in.
     
  19. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    I am sorry for my cynicism and blackpill, but don't you have more normie advice? It is exactly opposite. I have hobbies and topics I am passionate about, in fact for most of my life I was doing those things and nobody cares. Having something interesting to talk about is important, but it is not going to fix your broken social skills.
     
  20. wwtl

    wwtl Fapstronaut

    Well I had hobbies, nobody cared about as well. Like "retro computing", "simracing" or other gaming-related stuff and of course I never met any female friends exploring these. It mostly played out online and it was before gaming became big and mainstream on the YouTubes.

    Then I restarted piano five years ago and now I have my first gig in one month. I was asked to play a solo prelude as a supporting act and I was bold and agreed despite having no stage experience at all (yeah, that's some comfort zone stuff!). Guess what: In that "hobby", lots of women are around...
     

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