Defensiveness, really???!!!

I hear you on that one. Unfortunately it is patterns of behavior we have trained ourselves to do over the years. Part of it is shame, part of it is selfishness, part of it is pride or self preservation. It isn’t comfortable to admit that we are wrong, or we made bad decisions. As Addict we have to own up to all of them.
Lately my wife and I haven’t been able to work on recovery, and I’ve been finding myself slipping back into the patterns of addictive behavior. I haven’t been using P, so it isn’t a relapse per say. What I have been doing is not correcting myself when out in public, and indulging the PA tendency to notice and ogle, which I thought I made great progress on over the last 6 months or so. We had a conversation about it through our weekly checkin with each other.
It was shameful I couldn’t tell her when it was happening, and that I was doing it. I know I was falling into the trap of feeling disconnected from her (due to stress, and outside influences), and rather than seeking comfort in talking with her and opening up and dealing with the difficult situations, I instead went to the old standby and patterns I wired into my brain over the years of abuse. I looked for external comfort in eyeing women or other girls or people as if that would provide some actual comfort (how could it). The problem was ignoring the problem, and how I felt, and not communicating with my partner, which fueled my own internal ( and unfounded) resentment, so that I had to seek comfort elsewhere. The patterns of disconnection are still there, and they’ll sneak up on you, as it’s a well travelled road that us addicts want to instinctively walk down again. We have to stop and think at nearly every decision and question if it’s the addict riddled path of disconnection, or if we take that unused overgrown and forgotten trail toward connection, honesty, and understanding.

 

A few thoughts:

* Stop And Think.. you really have to resist the urge to talk, especially if you are reacting-talking. What I mean by that is when you are responding to something your wife says or does, or if you get that instinct to quickly respond to something your wife is saying. Try your hardest to Simply stop. Don't say anything. (until you have really thought about your words)

* Stay Somber.. I have found that I say the wrong things often when I am in too good of a mood. For all the weeks, months, years that my wife is in Daily pain over betrayal trauma, I have to work hard at staying somber. It doesn't mean I'm always super depressed; it doesn't mean that I'm self-hating or feeling the weight of Shame. What it means is I am being attentive to how my wife is feeling in the moment, reading her body language, looking for Clues if she wants to engage in a conversation or be left alone. Staying in this somber mindset also helps to consider your wife first.

* Remember Her Pain.. it sounds like you easily fall back into that defensive stance. And I totally get it. I think the best way to combat that is to remember your wife's pain. If you are focused on how your wife is feeling and how much pain that she bears that we caused, it is harder for the PA to let the feelings of defensiveness overtake their thoughts and words.