Decades of deceipt

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Raylea, Jan 15, 2019.

  1. Raylea

    Raylea New Fapstronaut

    A brief background on my story:
    #1D day one year ago, #2 D day 9 months ago, and then staggered small D days for months. It was like getting hit by a truck, then being tortured by paper cuts.
    We have been married for over 3 Decades.
    I had no idea he had a porn addiction, visited a prostitute, and had a year long sexual affair with an ex girlfriend. Our sex life seemed normal and I felt he was totally in to me sexually. Looking back now, I realize I was a sex object. He developed anger issues around the time of the affair, 3 yrs into marriage, and was at times detached. I attributed it to over work and was very understanding. There were emotional intimacy issues also but I totally trusted him sexually and never thought in a million years he would violate that sexual trust. He was always the moral man who quoted the bible, said grace, went to church and condemned other people's immoral behavior.
    I feel I was betrayed sexually and spiritually for SO damn long. This last year has done so much damage to my physical self, my emotional self and my spiritual self.
    He is attending SA 12 step group now and finally seeing a therapist as I am also.
    He has been PMO free for a year, since D day. He is transforming into a better man for sure, but I am still broken, hurt, angry!
    And, what really is blocking me from healing is that he cannot give me any reasons why he did the things he did for over 30 plus years! I feel like our entire marriage has been a fraud, and I feel cheated out of the best years of my life.
    All my past memories have been tainted with addiction, infidelity and other disgusting behavior. Now we're both older, retired, living on social security and cannot afford to get divorced. I vasilate between feelings of anger, grief, depression, fear.
    This is now my new reality chocked full of graphic memories of his indiscretions and triggers every day. So much deception for so long. Some days I struggle to get motivated to do any of the things I used to love to do. Being sexually betrayed has been by far the most traumatizing thing I've going through in my 65 years of life.
    Aging in today's world of superficial beauty which is bad enough for women, then throw in the fact that your 70 something husband is addicted to 20 and 30 yr old bodies......tough to deal with..
    Nugget9 likes this.
  2. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I'm so sorry for this horrible situation you find yourself in @Raylea

    You have come to the right place. There are many SO's here who are going through similar circumstances.

    I am married and been with my husband for 21 years. We have 3 children together. Approx 7 years ago was my first D Day and I've had many others since. Prior to this I had no knowledge of his PA which I now know extends back decades to before we were married and starting when he was a teenager. I totally understand the betrayal, pain and anger that you feel and can especially relate to feeling that the best years of my life have been stolen away. I have said the same thing so many times.

    Your husband probably won't be able to give you any reasons other than he was probably an addict before you met him.

    What you are going through, even though he is doing recovery work is Betrayal Trauma, a type of PTSD.

    There are many good books on it. One I would suggest reading is "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse - How Partners can Cope and Heal" by Barbara Steffans & Marsha Means. This helped me a lot. It's available on Kindle through Amazon.

    Also, there's a site called Bloom that has a lot of free courses on betrayal trauma -

    You'll find lots of good information throughout the threads here, and there is a thread where many have contributed different articles / video resources for both PA & SO....

    Many have started a journal to just help process and vent their thoughts and feelings. Check out the significant other journals.

    Another free workshop for partners, available on another site but still very good is The Partners Healing Workshop.

    I hope some of these suggestions might be helpful to you and that you find comfort and support in this community. Xxx
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2019
  3. Raylea

    Raylea New Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much for your kind words.
    I've read the book you mentioned which did help me understand things better. I've also read many others on sex addiction, affairs, etc. My husband was also into porn before he met me, but of course I had no idea. It's almost like he had two personalities.
    Thanks also for the on line resources, some I have heard of, some not. I will check them out.
    I just want my identity back and want to enjoy life again, I.e., my grandchildren, hobbies. My joy has left.
    How do you love your husband again after so much betrayal. I'm finding that very difficult. He says he loves me, but I can't seem to say it back to him. I know this hurts him and at times he get very discouraged. It's difficult for me to have any compassion as to what he is going through in his recovery. I think this will not resolve any time soon. We are older and there's not a lot of time to heal. So much harder later in life. Sadness is a feeling I identify with a lot now.
    I will also check out other areas of this website, I'm glad to have found it and very happy for the partners support area.
    I find it hard to get to the partners support area from the main menu, is there something I'm doing wrong?
    Thx again for your kind response.
    Nugget9 likes this.
  4. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    It's so very difficult, I totally understand. I have spent many years just feeling miserable, no interest in anything anymore and I just lost total direction and purpose in life. The biggest thing that I find helpful is just focusing on myself and my healing. Spend lots of time nurturing yourself. Self pampering, relaxation, meditation, exercise, self healing work and throwing yourself back into your interests and hobbies even if you don't feel like it at the time. I find just pushing myself to do something positive and enjoyable lifts my spirits a little to then later feel like doing a little more. One of my New Years goals is to find myself again too.

    I think love is a choice. Sometimes I feel so much anger and pain its hard to be loving but I'm working on being gentle and compassionate with myself and the way I feel about him and to accept that sometimes I'm going to feel that way especially if I'm triggered and that's ok. Choose to act lovingly and kind despite everything. If nothing else you'll feel more at peace in yourself. Practice forgiveness, not for him but for you. It will help release you from the resentment and pain that you feel. Be thankful for the recovery work that he is doing. Try and focus on all the things you are grateful for and all the good qualities you see in him. As you say, you are older so you don't want to spend the rest of your life feeling bitter and angry. Try and practice mindfulness and be in the present moment. Let go of the past. All that we have, is this very moment. What has happened has happened and can never be changed. In many ways, you are grieving the marriage that you thought you had, that you feel you have lost which is totally normal. In time, you need to put that old relationship behind you and start afresh on building a new and better relationship together. Today, is the first day of the rest of your life, so choose to be happy, loving and forgiving no matter what. These are just some of the things I try and do. It not perfect and I have my moments but then we have to just move on and keep moving forward.

    We are watching the "Helping her Heal" video series at the moment by Dr Doug Weiss. Maybe you both would get some benefit out of those. They're really good.

    The Gottman Institute has a great book that you maybe could both read together "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". We are planning on reading this together soon. It's supposed to be a great read.

    As for navigating around the forum, I usually just click on my alerts and go to an old alert which takes me back to the relationship forum. I find that the quickest way. I don't venture far from the relationship forum so all my alerts are usually from posts in that section. Otherwise there is a little black symbol on the top right (like a hierarchy organisational chart) that you can click on for quick navigation. Also if you find threads that you want to save, you can click follow thread at the top of any thread and then find them later by hovering over your username at the top right and then click on personal details and then on the left, click on watched threads. Hope that helps some.

    All the best @Raylea xxx
    Trappist likes this.
  5. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    @HonestyMatters provides you some very good feeback here.
    Death by a Thousand Cuts. It was an ancient Chinese torture technique and was barbaric as hell.
    Very long time indeed.

    Neither did my wife. She knew I had looked at porn before, but not that I was addicted.

    Didn't do that.

    Or that.

    This is not altogether uncommon. It is a height of hypocrisy that is truly unbelievable until it happens to you. Incidentally, Pastors, Priests, Rabbis, et al aren't immuned either. I have a Pastor in my Men's group who suffers from PMO addiction, so it affects everyone across every boundary.

    Understandable. All of these things you speak of are so very common to the Betrayed Partner.

    Separate therapists I hope.

    First of all, are you sure he has been PMO free for a year? Secondly, and you already know this being a person of spirituality, "Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die". You need to Forgive him. No, I don't mean saying "I forgive you". I mean you need to have forgiveness in your heart and forgive him. You don't forgive him because he deserves it. You forgive him because you deserve it. Forgiveness isn't a one time event either. It is an ongoing process until you feel it and you don't hold resentment toward him anymore. It's a very tall order I know. I too am continuing to struggle with it, and my Resentment runs deep and goes back decades.

    Those feelings of yours most definitely need to be empathized and validated. Apparently this is something he hasn't done. If he is genuinely following 12-Step, and SA being the most strict of them all, this is Steps 8-9:

    8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
    9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.​

    Did he do those two steps with you?

    Also, here is something you need to know and understand. This is a brain disease. He acted out on his addiction to sex. It doesn't excuse his behavior. It only explains it. The reason it was allowed to go on for 30 plus years is because he was quite good at hiding it. And let this be a lesson for everyone who engages in it. You WILL get caught. It's never a matter of "if". It is all a matter of "when". But I assure you, your marriage never was a fraud. I assure you that you were always good enough. You may find that hard to believe given his actions, but it is true. His actions were entirely driven by his addiction. And yes, you may feel cheated out of the best years of your life. And you have every reason and right to feel that way. But it is what it is. I would encourage you to have gratitude for the good that has come from that. Hence children, grandchildren, etc. There had to be some really great qualities for the marriage to have lasted 30 years. So, please, don't consider it a fraud and don't consider being cheated. It's called "gratitude", and even I struggle with it from time to time. We have to play the hand of card life has dealt us. Play your hand righteously, and let the outcome rise and fall where it may.

    Do you want a divorce? Is that what you really want? I get it. You feel trapped. I would encourage you to do what you are doing here; talk about it. Heed the advice you can believe in. Ignore the advice you can't. Only you can decide what's best for your own well being.
    I assure you that it could be far worse. But that's neither here nor there. You're reactions are most valid and so very understandable. Is this the only place you have discussed these feelings? Do you have anyone personally you could confide in? I would highly suggest talking to someone that specializes in Betrayal Trauma. It could help you make huge strides in your recovery. Just remember, he is responsible for what he does with his addiction. You need to take care of you.
    Yep. And what in the hell does a 70 year old have in common with a 20-30 year old? NOTHING! They aren't interested in his 70 year old body. If anything, they'd be interested in his 70 year old income if he has any. That is a continuation of his addiction if he continues interest in them. My interest in 20-30 year olds is only to the extent of lively conversation and living vicariously through their youth. Oh, what I'd give to have the health and energy, knowing what I do now, to enjoy that level of youth that is so littered with internet influenced behavior. I sure as hell wouldn't indulge in any of that PMO crap. I'm not even sexually aroused or excited at them anymore. I guess that's a huge change of pace as I was at one time so very interested in them.
    "Partner Support" is a heading UNDER the "Rebooting in a Relationship" Forum. If you're using a phone to access it, you'll only see it AFTER you go into "Rebooting in a Relationship" and then it will be close to the top. Try that and see if that works for you.
    Trappist likes this.
  6. Raylea

    Raylea New Fapstronaut

    Thank you ghostWriter for your very analytical response. I read your comments three times. You are very wise and from what I read very far along in your recovery.
    I am working on forgiving for my sake, but I find it very difficult at this point.
    I am getting better though on focusing on gratitude. I have wonderful children and grandchildren. I have my health. I have a nice place to live. I have a few good friends. I have shared my situation with one family member and one friend and my therapist. Aside from that it's pretty much a secrete. Yes, we are seeing separate therapist. I seem to progress the most when I can discuss openly my emotions and the past with my husband. This is still difficult for him. He still at times gets defensive and sinks into his shame, making our discussions about him. Hopefully his therapist can help him with that. I have to work on not getting so triggered into anger when he says certain things. It's a slow process but I believe we are making progress. At least now the nightmares have subsided and I am sleeping better. I have been doing a lot of self care lately.
    Thanks again so very much for your comments. I really do appreciate it!
    Jennica likes this.
  7. de severn

    de severn Fapstronaut Moderator Assistant

    How did you discover all of his secrets? Did you catch him in a lie or did he openly confess to you? I would want a divorce too if I were you. People may think it’s extreme but the long years of deception is what I find bothersome. You mentioned he’s around 70 year’s old? So is the threat of mortality making him feel like maybe now is the perfect time to connect with you when he’s at the ending stages of his life?

    I think it’s sick and unfair and I hope you at least lived happily under the wool of bullshit he had put over you. I’m sorry if I’m opening sutures for you but it would be a different story if he proffered his addiction like an honest person years ago.

    But 30 years of lying?!

    I am the PMO addict in my relationship and it hurts me to maintain a double life so I’m open with my boyfriend of only 5 years. I can’t imagine keeping up a lifetime of lies. I wonder if he ever had nightmares of losing you. How can someone NOT feel guilt? What a wound licking coward.

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