A brief background on my story: #1D day one year ago, #2 D day 9 months ago, and then staggered small D days for months. It was like getting hit by a truck, then being tortured by paper cuts. We have been married for over 3 Decades. I had no idea he had a porn addiction, visited a prostitute, and had a year long sexual affair with an ex girlfriend. Our sex life seemed normal and I felt he was totally in to me sexually. Looking back now, I realize I was a sex object. He developed anger issues around the time of the affair, 3 yrs into marriage, and was at times detached. I attributed it to over work and was very understanding. There were emotional intimacy issues also but I totally trusted him sexually and never thought in a million years he would violate that sexual trust. He was always the moral man who quoted the bible, said grace, went to church and condemned other people's immoral behavior. I feel I was betrayed sexually and spiritually for SO damn long. This last year has done so much damage to my physical self, my emotional self and my spiritual self. He is attending SA 12 step group now and finally seeing a therapist as I am also. He has been PMO free for a year, since D day. He is transforming into a better man for sure, but I am still broken, hurt, angry! And, what really is blocking me from healing is that he cannot give me any reasons why he did the things he did for over 30 plus years! I feel like our entire marriage has been a fraud, and I feel cheated out of the best years of my life. All my past memories have been tainted with addiction, infidelity and other disgusting behavior. Now we're both older, retired, living on social security and cannot afford to get divorced. I vasilate between feelings of anger, grief, depression, fear. This is now my new reality chocked full of graphic memories of his indiscretions and triggers every day. So much deception for so long. Some days I struggle to get motivated to do any of the things I used to love to do. Being sexually betrayed has been by far the most traumatizing thing I've going through in my 65 years of life. Aging in today's world of superficial beauty which is bad enough for women, then throw in the fact that your 70 something husband is addicted to 20 and 30 yr old bodies......tough to deal with..