Day one - Beginning of the journey to freedom

I never used to think my porn habit was a problem, I think I have been doing it for so long now it has in a way become a normal part of my life. I was about 13/14 when I started and now 23, thats a long time. I also justify my habit to myself with thoughts like 'its normal, I've got nothing to worry about' or 'everyone does it' were my two of my favourites.
However recently I have realised and accepted that I am 100% addicted to porn and that is it having a very negative impact on my life in terms of how it is affecting me mentally, relationships in my life and my life generally. My self-confidence and self-worth is non-existent, motivation and energy levels are at an all time low.

I have tried a few methods to quit before, but none ever last more than a few days. My latest attempt lasted a matter of about 35 hours. I was doing some reading online, and watching videos on how to stop and found out about NoFap. I am hoping that I can quit, my target is 30 days without porn, when I reached this goal the next one will be 100 days. I think this time by posting on here things can be different.

I feel that I may not be alone when I say I feel ashamed about my habit, and possibly like others I have kept it fairly well hidden. But the thought of telling any of my close friends/family about it scares me and is not something I could ever do. But possibly by posting here I can in a way become accountable. I know it will be tough, but I know deep down this is something I have to do for myself to get better as a person.

 

Thanks. I think relapses are all part of the process about realising you made a mistake, but most importantly to learn from it. Understand why you relapsed and what led to the circumstances that you relapsed.

 

Day one is almost over, and its been tough at times but I have made it PMO free so far. I suppose I should celebrate each day that comes, as I know how easy it is to slip up. Luckily today I was fairly busy during the day so I didn't have the opportunities to let my mind wonder and develop urges. However, when I arrived home I immediately sensed an urge, so rather than staying in I went for a walk and grabbed some food and had a chill outside for 45 mins to let the urge pass, and remind myself what my goal is and why I am doing this. My only concern is how I can manage to do this when I am feeling weak, only time will tell, but I do have a new sense of focus and purpose in my pursuit to quit PMO. I also had a cold shower in the morning for the first time ever, and I can see the benefits, I was alert and ready to go a lot quicker than if I had a warm shower. Sometimes in the shower my mind wonders and urges can develop, but under a freezing shower there was no time for such thoughts. I will do the same tomorrow.

I will report tomorrow on how day 2 goes. I was thinking earlier and if I can go about 5 days PMO free, it will be the longest for a number of years, so that is the first goal.

 

Day two complete, I've got to say I already feel better in myself. A big changed happened first thing this morning usually it takes me loads of snoozes and an hour or so of switching my alarm off for me to finally crawl out of bed, but today was different. I was good to go on the first alarm, whether this is completely down to no PMO or the fact that I gained some sleeping time as a result of no PMO late at night; but whatever reason it was it felt good to get up early. It gave me the opportunity to go for a run and start my day how I'd always wanted to. I returned home for a cold shower, which is the second day, and I've got to say I thought it was madness when I first read about it but I believe they are fully worth doing and start your day as you mean to go on, pushing your mind to a place it doesn't want to be and continuing regardless.
The rest of the day went okay, at work my mind rarely wondered, I seemed able to cope with urges or thoughts quickly. However, again I noticed the urges came on stronger when I got home, as this is usual time for PMO. So I installed PMO blocking software to firmly shut out the chance of an early relapse. Plus I called a few friends and chatted and distracted myself. I hope I can continue to stay strong, but I know it will be tough. But this whole NoFap community has given me a new sense of focus and drive to stop PMO; maybe its because I finally have a way to express what I am going through daily and read about other people's journeys that I relate to massively. Well day 2 done (almost) hopefully day 3 will follow on in the same way.