Day 70 - you gotta keep going. No matter what

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by Livispacerocket88, Dec 3, 2018.

  1. Livispacerocket88

    Livispacerocket88 Fapstronaut

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    Day 2
    I relapsed several days after I posted here. A little background, I started fully engaging in pmo in my early twenties, but even before that I had encounters with inappropriate material online, in my teens. There was something about my pmo spiralled out of control in my early twenties. I think the majority of it was stress related.
    But even deeper than that, I feel as though I get triggered when I have to chronically people-please. Does that sound weird? It's like the better I get at people-pleasing at work, handling heavy workloads...the more the high of that, affects the crash of the relapse.
    Anyone experienced anything similar?
     
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2019
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  2. Livispacerocket88

    Livispacerocket88 Fapstronaut

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    Day 4
    Things are starting to get better. I've been able to resist the urge to look at p. Actually, I hardly think of it anymore. Around day 2, a lot of emotional pain came up. Mainly just to do with my breakup. I think I was using pmo to surpress a lot of bad stuff he did to me. And how emotionally unavailable he was. He was hardly there whenever I was upset or down. But expected the five-star treatment if something small, mashed up his day.
    I've also taken to wearing crystals. Yeah! I know how hippy that sounds. But it's helping to calm my mind. Hopefully I can make it to three months. Wish me luck.
     
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  3. Elias Smith

    Elias Smith Fapstronaut

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    Best of luck. You seem to be on a good track. And you also seem to realize that you are better off without your ex, as painful as it may be now. This a good place for you, 100% support, 0% judgement .

    And if crystals calm your mind, wear on! ☺
     
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  4. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    I'm glad you are here. I'm glad you are seeking a path of recovery. If you need/want help, all you need to do is ask, and we'll help you. Kudos to the journaling initiative. That's great. I also think you have some things to process (i.e. the "...lot of bad stuff he did to me..."). Was he also PMO? And how long were you two together in a relationship?
     
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  5. Livispacerocket88

    Livispacerocket88 Fapstronaut

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    Hey! Thanks for the support. It's really good to finally be able to immerse myself in good places. Nofap is one of them. More importantly, finding myself beyond a relationship is so rewarding. Thank you for your words of encouragement. Stay strong !
     
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  6. Livispacerocket88

    Livispacerocket88 Fapstronaut

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    Hiya, thanks for the feedback. Much appreciated! The journaling is keeping me going through the christmas period. It's ironic you ask me about his pmo. Because he expressed having an addiction in the past. I actually expressed my pmo problem before the relationship began. Anyway, I think it affected the emotional attachment I wanted.
     
  7. Livispacerocket88

    Livispacerocket88 Fapstronaut

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    Day 5
    Feeling so much better today. Everything felt smooth, easy and calm. I work a lot throughout the week, so not being stressed has really helped.
    I'm trying not to jinx anything, so I'll keep journaling here to keep myself accountable.
    I want to work myself up to really exploring the reasons why I thought pmo, was a good coping mechanism for processing hurt and pain. I used to see a therapist a year back. We talked about my traumatic family life. But I could never pluck up the courage to talk about my pmo addiction. I felt huge amounts of shame. Part of me wants to go back and tell her about what I was hiding. But is it too late to tell her?
     
  8. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    My first advice to you is to take it one day at a time. When you get up in the morning, look yourself in the mirror, and say "I am going to stay clean just for today. That's all I ask is to make it through today." And when you make it through today, get up tomorrow, look in the mirror, and say "just for today". And so forth and so on. If you do relapse, that's your bar. Set your bar to that day, and each day, "just for today" with the bar set at say 15 days. And if you make it to 15, double it to 30. And work one day at a time toward 30. And if you only reach 22, that's your new bar. Eventually, you'll get there one day at a time. And with each pass, the magnitude, frequency, and duration of your PMO will diminish. Just for today!
     
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2018
  9. pp7711

    pp7711 Fapstronaut

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    Good advice - keep it simple. One day at a time.

    Good luck
     
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  10. Livispacerocket88

    Livispacerocket88 Fapstronaut

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    Day 6 & 7
    Slightly struggling today, so I'm just going to take it easy. I've been trying not to get ahead of myself and not think of the result of achieving, a far off goal. One day at a time. I'd like to make it to three months.

    My dreams have been very erractic, my brain even cooked up a wet dream today. The good thing is, I didn't relapse today. And I almost got tempted. Whenever I think about the past and unanswered questions...It makes me want to pmo. And I have done in the past. I just get sad. Deep down I want to be able to fix everything, like I can fix everything at work. A person I cared about very deeply left me high and dry this year. I've tried my best to throw myself into work and this support group here. But I still think of him everyday. I want closure, really. But I don't think I'll ever get it. Still, I've come this far today. And I'm going to keep going. I'm going to stay consistent.
    I wish I could stop thinking about him though, my recovery would be all the better for it. This is my obstacle...maybe it's something I'm going to have to live with.
    Anyway, hope your all doing well in this festive period we're in. I wish you all the best!
     
  11. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, but you'll be at peace with it, and it won't matter anymore if you get closure. You will get this PMO crap out of your brain and replace it with something far more healthy; far more better; and far more meaningful.
    No, it's something you're going to have to live through. I believe we all have our path to walk. You will become a more strong, more resilient, and confident young lady on the other side of this. Keep going. You're doing great!
     
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  12. Evocation

    Evocation Fapstronaut

    If I may ask - what are you doing to destress yourself now? Work and the break up seem to get you stressed and that's what's pushing you back towards PMO now. So to make Things easier on yourself it might be a Good idea to look into other ways of dealing with that stress. Light Training, walks or Meditation all might be Good ideas in that regard.
     
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  13. Livispacerocket88

    Livispacerocket88 Fapstronaut

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    Hey, thanks for the feedback! It's been a busy week but I though about what you said a lot. And your right, I don't really have any solid routines or healthy coping mechanisms in place. I used to meditate and I might just pick that back up. I'm going to take small steps and see what good things I can implement. Thank you for your kind words.
     
  14. Livispacerocket88

    Livispacerocket88 Fapstronaut

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    Day 15

    So I made it to two weeks. I'm in disbelief that I've lasted this long. I'm not exactly sure what the withdrawal symptoms are getting to week two. Although, I experienced incredibly drowsy spells. I quit red bull and went back to green tea. My skin has cleared up considerably. And I know it's the festive season but people are a lot nicer to me in general. Saying this all feels weird is an understatement. I even make less mistakes at work, I'm surprised.
    On the downside with the drowsiness, I kept forgetting things. Like christmas presents I left at work, or taking the work keys home with me. I think me being more tired than usual made me do those things.
    But I didn't want to pmo, not once. I feel good.
    I wanted to know if anyone can tell me what kind of other symptoms I might experience from pmo withdrawal?

    Happy holidays x
     
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  15. Evocation

    Evocation Fapstronaut

    Happy to hear you're doing well and that my comments were at least somewhat helpful. If you're getting too Little Sleep, are cutting back on caffeine and doing nofap at the same time it's hard to say which Symptoms and Changes are due to what. Caffeine is an a psychoactive substance after all and cutting back while definitely a healthy choice also can give you several days to a week of Feeling drowsy (your brain Needs to adapt to that Change).

    Overall you seem to be doing well so I'd suggest dealing with it in a mindful way - be Aware of what Changes you're going through but don't worry too much. Maybe you can use the Holidays around Christmas to stabilize on the Sleep/caffeine issue, you should then have a clearer Picture on what's due to nofap.

    Keep up with what you're doing - going day by day and happy Holidays to you too.
     
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  16. Livispacerocket88

    Livispacerocket88 Fapstronaut

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    Day 22 ;)
    Heyyyy!!!! Just a quick update! I made it to 22 days and I am so happy. Plus, I'm officially home for the holidays. I have six days where I don't have to think about work. Things are a lot more peaceful. I'm incredibly grateful. On my way to day 22 I did have two instances where I became stressed about work, but I managed to pull through. I'm learning more about when I'm most vulnerable to pmo. For me it's usually at night, when I'm alone. I find if I haven't tired myself out at work before I come home, I have excess restless energy. And usually I would m. But for now, I'm trying to just sit with my restless energy and let it pass. Kind of like meditation! In the meantime, now I'm at home I'm trying to keep myself busy so I don't have to think about bad temptations.
    Well back to relaxing. Have a good christmas everyone x
     
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  17. Livispacerocket88

    Livispacerocket88 Fapstronaut

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    Day 28
    Hey there, I'm two days away from 30 days. I feel a definite shift in the way I feel about my addiction in the past. It's like I was constantly standing in my own way, I made up so many excuses. I justified it by saying m'**ing is good for my health. It all seems so stupid. I didn't want to face truly being alone. I was an only child, and even as I reached adulthood...I never wanted to be alone. I was so scared. I used my addiction to distract me heavily from that. Sometimes more than 3-4 times a day. It was awful. I'd feel so numb, empty and lacking of love and affection.
    Now things are starting to lift.
    I'm using the I Am Sober app to track my days, that helps tremendously.
    I also set a goal to remain single without a man or friends for a whole year. I want to conquer my fear of loneliness altogether.

    I also have a goal to post here daily!! All of your stories are so inspiring. So thank you.

    I'm even starting to plan my 2019, so I have the best year.
    The year is nearly over, be true to who you are. X
     
  18. Evocation

    Evocation Fapstronaut

    Glad to hear you're doing well and that you have gained new insights into what drives you.

    I wish you a great start into the year 2019 - may you achieve all your Goals.
     
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  19. Livispacerocket88

    Livispacerocket88 Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, nice hearing from you. Good to see you progressing too! Hope you make it to 30 days!
    Happy new year to you too, I'm sure you'll crush it!
     
  20. Livispacerocket88

    Livispacerocket88 Fapstronaut

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