Day 6 second reboot attempt - my introduction and sobriety

I started PMO at 14, now I'm 40. I made it to 22 days no PMO, then had 5 of the next 7 days on a binge. I am so unhappy and unconfident when I use PMO, and I can usually get off for a few days. Now I am at 6 days no PMO. I'm going to keep at staying clean until I am.

I know it is possible - I have been working at getting control over addictive behavior for years. I smoked for 11 years, now am 10.5 years non-smoker. I drank for 17 years, and used weed for more than that. I quit alcohol and weed for 2.5 years the first time, then rationalized I could have casual weed. I went through a two week drunk/high binge. Then I stopped alcohol but kept using weed - I almost lost my marriage, did lose my business, and almost went bankrupt.

Today I am 3 years 1 month sober from weed and alcohol. Staying sober is tough, but as long as I manage my emotions I can do it. The problem I realized is...I was managing my emotions of sobriety stress with PMO. I have come to see that PMO is addictive behavior, and I am still functioning and thinking as an addict if I keep using PMO. I was a binge alcoholic. I drank and got high on marathons, then stopped for a few days to a month so that the next binge felt 'new'. Eventually there was no more binging, just daily drinking and getting high. I've been living with sexual fantasies for my whole life. I remember using M even before I knew what M was. I rationalized it away, rationalized PMO as just normal guy behavior. Except...it isn't. It keeps me from reaching my potential. I'd like to believe I can do this, reach my full potential.

This is my second attempt at a reboot. It helps to find the nofap community, I read about people's struggles and I feel less alone. I read about triumphs over PMO and I think I can do it. I've started learning Spanish and in a few months I can already speak and understand a fair amount. I read about cold showers and meditation here...I think I might try these. I'm pretty triggered tonight. I think it is getting off 3 12-hour shifts and being tired, being bored. I lack connections with people a lot of my life. I am jealous of other people and what they have done, because I put myself down and don't live up to my potential.

Tonight I can feel that feeling of dopamine already surging, trying to pull me in. PMO binges are always the same...they start with something small, a story or revealing pics, and escalate to multiple PMO a day, videos and 1000s of clicks. I think the word is insatiated, I can't get enough. I am working to convince myself that PMO is a substitute for living life. It is an poor excuse to not have the time to be fluent in Spanish, not be in shape, not enjoy time with my family, not sleep.

Today I am 6 days sober from PMO. Thanks for your support, this is my first post but already I have gotten so much strength from this forum, thank you.

 

thank you for your support. I will keep reading and learning and fighting.