Day 26 is pretty crappy

Day 55. Just to journal a little: I am still a mess and still need help but not sure what kind of help. I guess my options for help or at this point are check myself in somewhere or go see a psychiatrist. The problem I have with a psych is that #1 I've hated the way all of the anti-depressants have made me feel so far that I've tried in that past which have been a lot and #2 there is part of me (and things I've read from people like Eckhart Tolle) that believes that I need to get through what I'm going through and not push it away with a pill. The problem I have with checking myself in somewhere is I'm not suicidal and I'm not on a drug relapse and I'd rather not. But I'm not able to stay the same person throughout the day. And I think it may be related to sex addiction.

I go between 2 people - one who is thinking my wife is just fine the way things are, maybe she's still having an affair but in any case she's taking advantage of me and I've got to get out of this situation - I get angry, yesterday I wrote a letter saying I'm done and didn't transcribe to paper and didn't give it to her. Instead I went home and there was some really nice things that happened - granted I'm only talking about 2 nice hugs she gave me. While cuddling with her last night I started to feel like I'm going crazy - she's torturing me - our parts are inches from each other and I can't have her - for 625 nights now I can't have her. She doesn't want me.

The other person is on my left shoulder who says I need to give her time, that I need to give myself time. That I need to somehow become independent of her most importantly before I make any decisions on this or see how this is after that. And that after what I put her through she deserves for me to be selfless.

Right shoulder says this is just the way we are now and me going crazy will never change, that it will keep making me more crazy. That I can't make this decision while in that house. That I need to get away before I can become independent and then see what happens. If it was meant to be we'll get back together, but this isn't working.

I don't think nofap alone can get me past this. Day 55 of white-knuckling it may be making it worse. Maybe I need to ease off the hard core on this and just avoid the porn. Maybe I just need to ease off the caffeine. I don't f'ing know. I remember reading somewhere here someone posting about his success and that quitting an addiction alone can make it worse - actually strengthening the ties in your brain. This is what they call a dry drunk in AA. I can't find that thread now, I think it was in success stories but I can't find it. I was going to try to start doing some CBT that I found from links he had posted. Thanks

 

Hey DJ, thanks for asking. I'm still clean - 58 days today. I'm doing my best to accept my wavering back and forth. I believe in my heart of hearts I need to ignore both shoulders - not let either swing me. Acknowledge and not judge nor follow either way of looking at these things. What I've been taught, what's been pounded into my head is that I don't have any control of what she decides to do, so neither "path" is going to change her. The day after that last post we had a session with our marriage counselor and she talked about how scared she was that I would return to the way I was. I really hurt her. I just don't want to hurt anyone again.

I need to have a funeral for my former self. I am not defined by my sex life. I was an awkward, lonely, ostracized kid when I discovered sex and it changed the game - the ultimate in approval seeking. I want to not need sex. I approve myself.

We have another session tomorrow. I hope to bring my best self to the table, keep myself open and my mouth mostly shut - listen this time, ready to hear. Let me see what the universe has in store. If it's nothing but a quiet, awkward 50 minutes of them 2 waiting for me to steer - that's the way it's supposed to be. If she wants to call it - that's fine too. Can I keep this perspective? I don't know.

thanks again for asking, DJ. How are you?

 

I'm at 75 days today. I'm a total mess, I've been trying to get help and falling through the cracks. It's somehow tough when you're not suicidal or on a relapse yet. I have a new therapist who's a cognitive behavioral therapist. I'm also researching different antidepressants to try. Hoping for the best. I hate to get on something but I think I really have to at this point before something bad happens, like throwing away a marriage that has a chance. That's really the only thing and it's really only about sex. I know this. I have to face my problems and not run to sex to feel better. I refuse to cheat and I refuse to PMO. Thanks all