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Day 26 is pretty crappy

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Beachtent, Feb 8, 2017.

  1. Beachtent

    Beachtent Fapstronaut

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    I was on about day 22 when I discovered this website and realized there was a community of people doing this. Thank you to the people who make this happen.

    I'm on day 26 now and I'm having a hard time. I've got a lot of issues really. Recovering addict, ADD, depressed, major marriage issues. This is all related to me, part of the same issue. My biggest wish is to be the same person all day. The person who believes I need to change myself and leave everything outside of me alone. I change into someone else who thinks I just need to have some sex to feel better, among other things - I've taken PMO out so my addiction wants to know what now.

    I feel like I'm fighting him all the time, fighting to be me. And sometimes I get tired and give in and he takes over and causes major problems for me. Then I'm majorly depressed for a few days. I hope this gets better soon. I have a lot to loose to him. I have to write this to say that and hope I remember who I am.
     
  2. tout ça pour ça

    tout ça pour ça Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Hi beachtent,
    welcome to the site and to the community. You post is very moving nd i wish you success in being true to your own sense of self, and beating your addiction issues. your not alone here by the way and the things you feel are shared a by a lot of people here. that is no to diminish what you feel by any means but simply to say that you are amongst friends who either understand or will try to understand how you feel.
    Depression is a big issue and a lot of people think that this is fuelled by screen use and pmo cycles. I sincerely hope you will find what you need here.
     
    Beachtent likes this.
  3. Beachtent

    Beachtent Fapstronaut

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  4. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Thank you for sharing your story and welcome to NoFap where you are amongst friends who are here to encourage you and not judge you. Don't waste time hating yourself for what you have done, use the time and energy on working on who you can become.

    What are your current strategies for combating the enemy called PMO?
     
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  5. Beachtent

    Beachtent Fapstronaut

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    Thanks DJ. Good question. I don't have a strategy outside of not allowing myself to wander to those types of places on the internet. I've got to do something different in my life in general though. I'm not doing good at all. My marriage is by a thread and I keep tugging on it. I guess it comes down to the fact that we haven't had sex in 1.5 years now and there's no end in sight on this. I totally understand what I did to her and take responsibility but I just don't if I can keep doing this. On my left shoulder I tell myself that I still need to give her more time, that I need to give myself the completion of the 90 day challenge and totally leave her alone during that time. On my right shoulder I freak out and panic and want to leave, which really comes down to not wanting to be in a sexless marriage anymore. That's our only problem. And I created it. I probably perpetuate it with bugging her.

    So I need a strategy for combating bugging my wife. The last year of PMO was like the last years of my drug use - it wasn't any good anyway. I was doing it and barely felt it. After being disconnected from real sex for so long the PMO wasn't working either. Nothing is working. But my left shoulder tells me I'm going through exactly what I need to go through to get where I'm going. I wish I could always live by that shoulder. I change by the minute. But yesterday I really realized this is all about my self-loathing. I used sex and drugs to make myself feel better about myself. My wife refuses to be used. She's not torturing me. I need a constant reminder.
     
  6. Beachtent

    Beachtent Fapstronaut

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  7. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

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  8. Beachtent

    Beachtent Fapstronaut

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    Thanks DJ. Good information. Day 28 is not bad...
     
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  9. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    That's great!
     
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  10. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the forum. Many of us have used PMO to medicate underlying mental health issues. Many modern day drugs mimic the effects from the brain chemicals released during PMO. Often we started medicating ourselves while our condition was minor. By the time we are older we are completely ashamed and reluctant to get help. Our struggle to fix this on our own has led to failure after failure which creates a downward spiral with no sign of improvement in sight.

    Mental health is a complex issue and cannot be straightened out by willpower alone. I think the treatment you need has to come from a professional instead of amateurs like ourselves. We can help you with your PMO problem but unless the underlying issues are properly addressed then porn will continue to look like a viable option.

    Your achievement so far is highly commendable. It takes a lot of inner fortitude to make it this far without the help of others. I hope this community can be a source of comfort and support as you move forward.
     
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  11. Beachtent

    Beachtent Fapstronaut

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    31 days today. Thanks I_wanna_get_better. You're right, I need professional help. Nothing's working.
     
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  12. Beachtent

    Beachtent Fapstronaut

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    Day 33 - still clean
     
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  13. Beachtent

    Beachtent Fapstronaut

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    Day 37 - still clean. I believe I spend less time obsessed with sex but it's still a big percentage of brain time. I'm grateful for progress though. I can see where 90 days is a good amount of time - hoping for some exponential growth in the coming month. That's my goal right now - less brain time on obsession with sex. I'm constantly objectifying and making plans. I want to be more present, spend more time not thinking at all - just experiencing. Thanks all.
     
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  14. Beachtent

    Beachtent Fapstronaut

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  15. ThatSurferDude

    ThatSurferDude Fapstronaut

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    Its like getting a degree man. Each day you have to study and work hard, getting a small step closer to getting where you want to be. It's going to take a long long while to get that piece of paper, but each chapter you read gets you closer. Its tough to stay motivated for something that takes time to achieve (instant gratification anyone). I wake up days thinking the pursuit of my degree is worthless, why bother its going to take forever etc etc. Just stay strong man and k ow there will highs and lows. Days when your ready to rock and days where you feel low and depressed. Your strong enough to get this far. You can achieve your goal.
     
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  16. Beachtent

    Beachtent Fapstronaut

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    Thanks ThatSurferDude. I really appreciate it.
     
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  17. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Congratulations on your progress!
     
  18. Sam Hell

    Sam Hell Fapstronaut

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    Life, for what it's worth, is a series of mountain tops where we have days when everything is sunshine and rainbows, and dark valleys where we are accosted by trolls and rogues. Every person (well, every person except for those with deep psychosis issues I guess) has a wide range of feelings. "Normal" people have constructive ways for dealing with those feelings. I can concretely tell you that you are the same person. Every single day. Have you considered counseling or are you in counseling? It might help you considerably to have a professional listener to work with you on your sense of self, and help you with tools for how to combat depression, anxiety, and the wealth of other normal human feelings we all feel, but some of us don't know how to cope with properly.

    You are fighting him all the time. That's a fact. And you will win a lot of battles, and lose some battles. Just return to the fight and fight again. Don't quit. Don't give up on yourself. You absolutely have the capacity to win this fight, every day. But you might not be able to do it alone, so don't be ashamed to admit you need help and seek it.
     
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  19. Beachtent

    Beachtent Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Sam Hell. I do have a 12-step program but a counselor is not a bad idea. We have a marriage counselor but I could use a individual too probably. thanks for the suggestion and encouragement.
     
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  20. Beachtent

    Beachtent Fapstronaut

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    Day 48. Just got back from vacation and it was crazy the amount of objectification I do, I was really paying attention to it because I was in crowds of people all week. I'm constantly rating women and checking them out and I'm so tired of being this way. It was a good wake up call for me. I'm glad to be back in my little office now and only have to avoid getting distracted on the internet, so much easier than my eyes getting pulled by omg what women wear and don't wear. I would have never thought I'd be writing words like that.

    But what matters is I've got plenty of room for growth, progress behind and ahead of me. Thanks all
     
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