Day 2

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by a1b2c3d4!, Jan 8, 2019.

  1. a1b2c3d4!

    a1b2c3d4! Fapstronaut

    8
    0
    1
    I have been addicted to porn since I was 22. I am now 35 and finally taking the first steps towards recovery. Looking forward to a new lifestyle. I am ready for it.

    In a relationship so no O is out of the question. Don't experience the "Chaser" effect, in fact, I experience the exact opposite. Not worried about relapse due to sex with my so.

    I kicked my Masturbation habit over a year ago. I very rarely Masturbate anymore. No M won't be a problem.

    I haven't, however, killed my Porn addiction. This is the issue for me. I don't want think of the months in aggregated hours (dare I say years....god help me) of my life I have wasted watching Porn. Hope this site and community can help me achieve my goal to fully reboot myself over the next few months. I am giving myself a 90 day challenge, but in reality I am hoping I can just make it a week to start. It has been difficult for me to cut out 3 days of porn let alone 1 week. I am confident this site will give me the tools I need to succeed.
     
  2. NeverEverEverAgain

    NeverEverEverAgain Fapstronaut

    13
    5
    3
    How can you still be addicted to P when you don’t M? I understand watching a little P with no M, but for me lots of P is pointless/annoying without M. Anyway, best of luck to you.
     
    a1b2c3d4! likes this.
  3. a1b2c3d4!

    a1b2c3d4! Fapstronaut

    8
    0
    1
    That's a very good question. The best way I can describe my use of P is that I was using it like a form of self-medication. Whenever I had stress/anxiety in my life (or boredom), I'd watch P to put me in a better mood. Almost like I was getting a high/adrenaline rush imagining or fantasizing I was the person in the videos. Many times, I didn't even have to watch P. I could simply read about other people's sex stories (real or not) and still get the "high" from my imagination.

    For a very long time, I definitely was using P and doing M. Within the last year and a half I met my SO. A few months into our relationship, I decided to stop doing M so that I could make our sex life more enjoyable. It took a couple of months, but eventually I cut down M to the point that I was doing it extremely infrequently to almost never even though I was watching P. Sometimes I would M and watch P, but not to the point where I would have an O. I was edging myself and fantasizing/hoping I would be able to do the things I saw with my SO later that day (or week).

    It was a bit torturous. P was always on my mind. Fantasy scenarios were constantly running through my head. Many days of my life have been wasted doing this.

    Glad I read the "Porn Addiction Basics" on the NoFap website. I always had a suspicion that I was addicted, but couldn't admit it to myself. There were times I quit for a month or so, but I always fell back into the the spiral especially during times of stress at my work. The "Porn Addiction Basics" outlined my life for the last several years (damn it...). It hit home and made a lot of sense. I decided to quit after reading through all the website material only a few days ago.
     
  4. a1b2c3d4!

    a1b2c3d4! Fapstronaut

    8
    0
    1
    3 days down and going on my 4th. I feel really good. No "brain fog". That's HUGE plus. I hated that feeling.

    Sleeping like a baby these days. Over the last few months, I watched sooo much P that I was thinking about it and fantasizing just before I went to sleep. Hell, I'd dream about it. I'd also wake up in the middle of the night thinking about P and unable to fall asleep due to my heart racing and wanting to O. Lost hours of sleep. It killed my work ethic and drained my energy which in turn made it difficult to resist P and I'd use it the next day still sleep deprived. Cutting it out has allowed me to be out like a light for the last two days straight.

    I have also found that I have a lot more time to read. It's been great. I haven't read for fun in a long time. Looking forward to what the next few days bring.
     
  5. a1b2c3d4!

    a1b2c3d4! Fapstronaut

    8
    0
    1
    Going on my 7th day. It's been an interesting journey. I've got a lot more time on my hands. More time and less brain fog also gives me more time to think. Anxiousness and anxiety start to set in when I have time to think. Not happy about where I am in life and my lack of self-confidence and that causes me to stress. Stress in the past led me to P, thankfully I have resisted the urges. The extra time on my hands has also led me to be a bit bored. I already work out extensively and regularly. Not sure how else I want to fill my time. TV shows lead to brain fog for my on a smaller level than P. I can watch a bit more, but I want to limit that as well. Perhaps I should pick-up meditation?

    On a different note, the "lack of interest in sex" stage has begun in full swing. I have experienced this before when I have tried to quit. Feel bad for my SO. Sometimes I have 0 desire to have sex with her even though I know she wants and needs it. My attraction to her physically is pretty low at times. I feel awful about it. I have forced myself to have sex with her, because I want to fulfill her needs and desires. Unfortunately, it has felt quite passionless inside my head. Almost routine and business like.

    I know she's happy, but I am (slightly) concerned. Worried if I'll ever truly be attracted to her like I was in the past...though if I'm honest I have never been as physically attracted to her as I have been with other partners. I wonder/fear if my combination of low-self esteem and obsession with sex is what initially attracted me to her in the first place. She has always been extremely supportive. Seeing the best sides of me that I couldn't see in myself. She has also been extremely sex positive with a high sex drive. If I gain confidence and kick my P habit, will I still be attracted to her? I hope am. She's a wonderful person. I do love her. I want to want to have sex with her again. This passionless sex is for the birds.
     
  6. a1b2c3d4!

    a1b2c3d4! Fapstronaut

    8
    0
    1
    Today has been another challenging day. Tons of time on my hands. Need to find something else to do other than read, workout, and work. Definitely had urges throughout the day. SO is gone for the entire week, so this could get interesting.

    Speaking of SO, my sex drive or lack thereof reared its ugly head again today and this it was obvious. I was completely dispassionate. Found it difficult to perform. Not the best for either of us. Heck, my SO ended up apologizing and being disappointed. I had to tell her what I was rationalizing in my head. Everyone has "bad" days. 90% of the time our sex is great. 1 not-so-adequate event when we were in a rush was not something to worry about.

    At the same time, I worry that I have over stimulated myself with images of gorgeous women....that my brain has a lot of re-wiring/re-configuring to do before I am ready to go again.

    She returns on Friday. I am trying to keep a positive outlook. Roughly 4 days without an O means I'll probably be ready to go. In the meantime, I have got to find something else to do with my extra time. Boredom easily leads me to delve into P. Gotta find new hobbies.....
     
  7. a1b2c3d4!

    a1b2c3d4! Fapstronaut

    8
    0
    1
    I can't believe it has only been 15 days....feels like it's been nearly a month. Honestly thought I'd sign-in and see my tracker at 20+ days. Can't wrap my mind around the fact that it has only been a little over two weeks.

    My brain definitely craves P. I have definitely had the urge where I have "nothing better to do" or "it's a relaxed day I could watch a little" or "I haven't watched anything in so long...it'd be nice to see what's new out there." Oiy.... the always craving for something new syndrome is real.

    Last week Friday was pretty bad. The worst temptations I have had yet thus far. Daydreamed about sexual encounters and my favorite P videos I have seen over the years. Went to a couple of websites, luckily I had the wherewithal to not click on anything and quickly block the website on my browser.

    The only reason I even fell into temptation was due to stress from my job. There's been a lot of upheaval lately. Not sure how long I'll stay in this position. Anyway, I had a hard time coping. Stress level was high, so in comes the temptation to mentally check-out and look for P. I fought back, but it was close.

    I have also been depressed during the week regarding what I have achieved in life. Feel like I haven't accomplished much and I am fighting the depressing feeling that "I'm getting older". Those stray negative thoughts bring my self-esteem down a bit...which causes me to want to mentally check-out again and watch P. Of course, I know that will just cause a cycle and I don't want that.

    SO was gone the entire week as well. That definitely made things more difficult. She has since returned and our sex has been pretty good.

    Again, there are times though that I am just not interested in being intimate with her physically. Last night being one of them. I could tell she wanted it too. I felt bad. I think it's an affect of the "always craving something new syndrome". Fuck that shit. Hope my sex drive returns to normal soon....still can't believe it has been just over 2 weeks...fuck...

    I'm gonna end on a few positive notes cause I need and want to think positively. #1 I have been sleeping much more soundly after quitting P. No more random dreams or thoughts waking or keeping me up at night. Heading to bed around 9:30-10:30pm on a consistent basis and falling asleep within minutes. It's has been great.

    I have also been much more productive with my time. Getting chores done, focusing on a few long term goals, reading, meditating, etc.... It's been great. So in that sense I have been much more fulfilled and content. I'm sure the next 15 days will be even better!
     
  8. a1b2c3d4!

    a1b2c3d4! Fapstronaut

    8
    0
    1
    Last week was the worst thus far. Almost broke down multiple times for two reasons: 1) I had a lot of time on my hands; and 2) I got some health news that's pretty rough. There's a very strong possibility that I have cancer. No, I am not joking. I'm not an ass.

    Unfortunately, there's no definitive way to determine whether or not I have cancer unless they do surgery. The cancer is located in an area of my body where, if biopsied, it could get into my blood stream and spread.

    Obviously that news was rather stressful. Stress causes me to look for P for relief. Like I mentioned before, I very nearly relapsed several times.

    Given everything though, I think I've handled the news pretty well. I am now more at ease than most people expect. I'm surprised myself. Maybe I am not treating this with as much gravity as I should? I don't know. Perhaps the weight of everything will hit me harder after surgery.

    Once the initial shock and stress of the news wore off, I haven't given P much, if any, thought. I have been focused on my next steps regarding my healthcare. Something else is occupying my mind right now and that's not a bad thing.

    Finishing on a positive note, 6 more days until my 1 month without P!
     
  9. a1b2c3d4!

    a1b2c3d4! Fapstronaut

    8
    0
    1
    35 days without P....wow....It felt like it was taking FOREVER to get to 30 days. I can't believe I'm at 35 now. Haven't had any real urges in some time. Sex with my SO has been good if not great. I feel more attracted to her every day.

    I guess one of the reasons P hasn't been on my mind much is because I have been extremely focused on this cancer shit. I'm not very stressed out by it. Again, I am surprised. I'm more frustrated trying to get shit to move along. Having to bang on doors gets old after a while. I am scheduled for surgery this week, which is a quick turn-around. Looking forward to taking care of this. Anyway, that's what takes up most of my time, energy, and thoughts. In a very twisted way, I am glad I am not focusing on P and wasting whatever time I have left on it (all indications say the cancer is extremely treatable and I'll recover quickly...won't know the exact details until I have surgery and have the mass analyzed).

    Let's hope the next 10 plus days go by as fast as the last 10. Feels good to be P free.
     

Share This Page