Day 1

Yes, day 1...and it's not really even started,cause it's only technically day 1 since it's last midnight....anyway,I thought I make this post preemptively because I obviously relapsed today and I know once I relapse,the chance of fapping the next day increase dramafically. My plan is to submit every day and so force myself to abstain from pmo...my god,I am actually using the lingo...I have made a nofap account and I am writing my own post. This is so defeating. Good thing it's anomymous Anyway,I promise to post every day. I am doing this as much for myself as for others. Anyway,I'm fuckin 30 years old and I've been trying to get to two weeks for three years. I managed to abstain for 10 days in 2014,but I was abroad and I had shit to do and also had sex with a nice chech girl a few times...and that's the last time I had decent sex. Before that I've had girlfriends all my life and a few one night stands or sex relationships in between...and they were all pretty hot...I've had three beautiful relationships,all of which I eventually ended because factors other than sex(I'll get to the pmo,I'm trying to make this a little more in-depth)...and if I could have sex with any of them right now,I wouldn't have a problem in the world Yeah,I'm goodlooking. That's actually one of the things that's made me addicted to pmo. I became narcissistic because I thought I could jave any girl I wanted...well,not exactly,but I've felt like that more often than not. Now you might think why the fuck did he become addicted to porn then...well, we all have our own issues. I don't have issues with my looks and before I fucked up my health,I always had confidence sexwise...but then I became a little older and sex and relationships became a little mor complicated...at least I started looking at it differently...see,I've never been some "player"...my first sex was with a girflfriend that I loved and that's how my perception of sex was shaped...only later did I start having one night stands,but it was never comparable to sex with a girl that you're intimate with...a girl you can fart next to right after sex....anyway,I used to have a good job and was in pretty good shape from sports and martial arts...and then in 2013 I smoked weed for the first time alone...that was the turning point...I'd smoked it numerous times before,but always in some socialisation,but that one time I brought some home cause I thought it would help me meditate and play guitar better....and it did...so I did it again after a few days...only this time I didn't immediately take my guitar...I was sitting at my computer and I'd already been fapping daily,just didn't have a problem with it,cause I had regular sex with my girl...but we'd broken up when this weed thing started...so...I was sitting at my computer...high...surprisingly too high to stand up and reach for my guitar...I clicked a few things on the computer,saw some boobs in youtube...I believe it was Fergie...and I got soooll fuuuuckin hoooornyyyy....so I clicked on porn....and just got hooked....from that day,I went on getting high and jerkin off to porn every night for a month...I was then still healthy and sociable and I got hooked up with a girl...not in a relationship,but fuck buddies...and it was aaaawesooome...that was the first time I had sex while high...and she was just ridiculously tight and hot and fit and...makes me wanna fap just thinking of her....as I've done a million times...even though that was in 2013....and btw,if I called her right now,I think she'd be here in half an hour....if I weren't so fucked up...but I'll get to that...where was I...yeah...so I saw her occasionally,but not too frequently cause I didn't wanna get emotionally involved since I treat every girl like she's my girlfriend
..I just can't treat them differently...I don't know how...despite all the porn,I just can't behave like that....anyway, I got hooked on porn and then got back together with my ex...well,mainly for sex,really...and we started having sex with porn....ffffff....I can't believe I defiled her like that...I mean she was cock hungry,but she's such a nice human being...anyway,it was insane...we got high and watched porn and fucked like crazy...to the point we almost never had sex without porn...thinkin of it simultaneously makes me semi-hard,but mostly sad....we eventually split for good and instead of looking for another girl,I continued to fap to porn,eslecially to porn that we watched together...and ad time went by,my brain changed....it became...drumroll....pornbrain...actually pot/pornbrain...so I became a pothead jerk-off.....and of course,no one had a clue...my frined new I got high,but didn't know all I did was watch porn...in the beginning it was just normal...you know...watch porn for about half an hour,jerk off and then go on to listening to music and tripping around the house while high...and normally,it gradually increased to the point where I was just edging and browsing for hours...veronica vanoza,april oneil,angel dark...you know...them specific fetishes...nurse...pool..office...hd...and then I discovered passion hd...man,that shit is as close to a girflriend as porn gets....anyway,I gradually became more and more socially isolated...started being late to work,which was a big problem,since I was a teacher ...I'll try to kinda fast forward to present and just skim through the three years since....as I said,since then,I only managed to abstain for the ten days in Germany in 2014...man,I can't believe it's 2017 and I'm sitting here writing this...and that's exactly why I'm doing it...after that,I've some attempts at relationships with some horrible sex where I couldn't get it up.
.actually there was one hot teacher...we had sex once and it was amazing...not to her,cause it lasted for about two minutes...before we had sex,I told her about my problem and she was patient and supportive and managed to abstain for about five days and we then spontaneously had sex,even though I was aiming for at least a week...and should've...anyway we had that ridiculous sex...I say ridiculous because I used to gorilla pound for hours before I became a pothead jerkoff...anyway,we had sex and I was so happy and horny and I didn't spend the nigbt at her place because of her nerdy idiotic roommate,but went home...and woke up the next day...at home...horny as fuck...couldn't stop thinking of her smell,her touch,her tongue,that short but sweet blowjob,her beautoful juicy pussy...aaah...so I jerked off...and just continued to jerk off and eventually we split because we couldn't have decent sex because I couldn't stop jerking off...ironic,right? I know....after that I tried with some other girl,but she just wasn't hot enough for me as I'd always had high criteria,especially now with my pornbrain...and then another fail with another girl...and then some rodiculous sex with a pretty girl,but she was all aggressive and retarded and she annoyed me too much...even though I liked the way she looked...I would jerk off o fantasies about her and then see her with my ruined dick and libido and she would do nothing for me...that was in 2015...and that's where I gave up...I just made my mind not to even try to talk to a girl until I abstain enough for my dick to regenerate and not be all blue and bent leftward(I'm lefthanded)...and I haven't managed to do it yet....and now I'm gonna get a little more specific about my general and mental health...first the physical...I got scoliosis and that's why I get these horrible headache and backaches after pmo...I do it in a fucked up position...I just immerse into my chair as if it's a lazy bag...and I guess I stop the circulation from my neck to my head or something...and every time I relapse,when I realise I'm jerking off,I go "fuck it,might as well milk the relapse and just fap for an hour like a maniac"...and I do...unless I unintentionally come too soon....but oddly enough,that only haplens when I imagine one of the girls I'm hoping to have sex with after the proverbial nofap....oh yeah,I stopped smoking weed like a year ago...out of fear of a heart attack,to be honest Anyway,my general health is really bad and I just know it's mostly,if not completely because of fapping...but the reason I'm posting this is the reason I'm addicted to fapping....it's not sex...sex is just one minor,normal,natural factor.....my real reason is loneliness....I've got no support...I've complained to the few friends that I've got and none of them take me seriously...I've also told my whole family....yeah,even my mom...I had to,because I had no other way kf justifying my behavoir,because aside from us being close(mom,brother and me) we also now work together and I kept coming late to work because of fapping and fuckin up stuff at work due to brain fog and my irreversible mistakes have cost us all some money....not a lot of money,but it's still irresponsible....I also told my dad...we've been separated since forever...I mean I've lived witb my ex and then on my own since 2011,but you know...they got divorced...anywah,I told everyone and no one can help me...my friends don't take my problem seriously...they even talk about it jokingly...my brother is...well,he's trying to help me with all that "man up" bs,but it only makes me feel worse...but when I'm fapping,I don't feel lonely...I don't lack intimacy...I imagine sex...and that's pretty intimate,right? No,seriously,I've gone into so much personal detail to get real about it and concrete,because I don't think abstract descriptions can really help anybody....I mean I've watched so any youtube videos...read so many posts here...actually earlier today I had an urge and googled NoFap and started reading a post on here and just went "fuck this,I can't see the letter from jane darling's boobs dancing in my eyes"....so I'm actually trying to write what I've been hoping to read....and I'm gonna make this a daily post with detailed posts like this one...well,this one was an introductory chronicle so maybe not this long,but ....actually they might be evenonger....I'm really determined this time and I'm realying on this post to help me get through it so I would appreciate some support and in return I will try to make it as helpful as I can...I thought of writing about the brain,neurology,psychotherapy, mindfulness and all that,but I'm just too tired and can't concentrate anymore....I gotta say,this felt good...glad I decided to make this post....hope I won't be getting some nofap notification on my homescreen,though I mean whateber,fuck it,this is the most important thing in my life right now....I want my old life back,I want my old self back,I miss myself,I miss people,I can't take it anymore,I'm an extrovert guy,this isolation is killing me....literally! And I'm gonna do it and I'm gonna set an example to all you fellow losers out there I don't care what your personal story is,I"m gonna make it so humanly universal in the following days, that almost everybody will be able to relate! Trust me,this is only my frst day, this is the best mental acuity I can manage currently, but it will get better...you're gonna devour my posts,even if there's just one person reading this,my heart already feels warm in anticipation of that one person reading this and getting the zest necessary to get through this! Peace,hasta mañana hermanos. P.S. I think I'm kind of a dumb ass and that I will have posted this in a wrng category or something...I just can't figure out the right place for this post so I'll.just post it here...as regards the future posts,I'll think.of that tomorrow....the tomorrow that never comes

 

Hey,thanks man, thanks for thos instructions,that's very helpful. Well,I just woke up with morning wood,automatically reached for it...not to fal,but you know...to greet it But then I remembered my post from last night and let go. My best strategy is going to the nearby hill and just hiking,stretching...you know,walking meditation...I get up ealry,spend the whole morning there,have lunch and then sleep a little...and then when I wake up,it's those first few minutes that are the hardest,pardon the pun...I'll be writing about in my journal..thanks again for that!