Day 1 of being open & honest about ME

I've been writing & rewriting this for 3 days. Each time I try & begin, I end up in tears. Today, I read @jagilana story & I've never felt as understood, as her writings made me feel. It's time to open up. *sorry if too long*

I'm the wife of a PA. I'm the wife of a liar. I'm the wife of a deceitful person. I'm the wife of a selfish person. I'm the wife of a man, that has taken things from me, that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

He's the husband of a loyal wife. A thoughtful wife. A forgiving wife. A loving & understanding wife. He should consider himself blessed.

We've been married 7 years & have 2 amazing children. When we met, he was nothing short of the Prince Charming us girls dream about. As our wedding neared, my prince charming was starting to grow distant. I assumed wedding prep was stressing him out (as it was me!) & he needed some space. I happened to stumble upon loads of downloaded images/vids to our shared computer 1 month before our wedding. This prompted further digging, & I discovered he was looking at local escort sites. Holy devastation. Embarrassment of canceling the wedding & naivete about PA on my part, led me down the aisle to this man. Our honeymoon consisted of continued isolation from him (definitely not behaving like he just married his dream girl). I, once again, assumed it was wedding related stress.

The following 2 years, were spent fighting way more than making love. He was always busy. Too busy to treat his wife right. Too busy to hold a conversation. Again, naive me chalked this Up to normal "married life". We had kids & continued to live like roommates, until, 4 days ago. My personal DDay.

My mother is battling lung cancer. I'm an only child, who is VERY, very close to her. This alone, has devastated me & made me question everything in life. One would think that during this time in their spouses life, they would need to be the absolute most supportive spouse they could be. Not my husband nope, he apparently thought PMO should take precedence over a traumatic event I had no control over. AND THEN BLAME ME FOR OUR LACK OF SEX LIFE. No surprise. He's been blaming me for our entire relationship. Not that I'm not pretty enough, but that *I* never want it, so he's scared to ask. What a load of bullshit. Anyway, 4 days ago I confronted him about the P I'd found on the tablet, & all the weird behavior he's exhibited lately. He played the blame game. It was my fault, yada yada. What he didn't know, was that I had already suspected something, as he was acting exactly like before our wedding. For weeks (probably years), I've been trying to figure out how I, a SAHM, could survive w/ 2 kids & no job. I've had escape plans ready. I, nor my children, deserve this behavior. It's not productive to ANY of us. I approached him about my findings, explained to him he needed help, & promptly made him leave. Then I discovered this site. I've read non-stop, for 2 days, personal journeys from both points of view. It was like a light went off. It wasn't me this whole time. It was him. More than that, ive finally realized IM NOT ALONE IN MY FEELINGS. Feelings ive had for a very, very long time. You all are validating those feelings. Something i need him to realize.
I offered to let him come home 2 nights ago to talk about things. I sent him this link & he read. And read. And watched recommended videos. & said he's ready for change.

I took vows. They meant something to me. I'm a product of divorce, & I'll do anything I can to make sure my kids don't go through that. I believe in my husband. He never has a problem O with me, which, gives me some hope. I will stand by him & help him, as long as he helps himself. He knows what is on the line. I pray he doesn't let us down. I'll be using these forums to help ME be the best wife, mother, friend I can be during this journey. Thank you ❤

 

I've read your journal GREAT HELP! I'll start on Anna's! Thank you ❤

 

Hi, person out there on Earth.
You, stranger, have just said to me everything I've needed to hear FOR YEARS. you literally took time out of your day, to read my story, in parts, & really offer advice/insight. Do you know what you just did, stranger out there? You just gave a lonely girl hope. I needed that. Humans can be amazing, if we're open & honest w/ them. I can't stop crying, not out of sorrow for my marriage, but that someone, anyone, took time to acknowledge me.
Thank you, a million times. Thank you.

 

A New Hope! Slowly making my way up your threads, as well as others. It feels like a tennis match I'm constantly switching between threads of SO's & their PA spouses! SO MUCH INFO

 

Thank you, kenzi. Regardless of whatever outcome you may have, just know, you inspired another SO to AT LEAST TRY.

I'll look through your new journal & your PA's. What an amazing community. Thanks again ❤

 

Thank you for your acknowledgement & advice! He does have an account & actually recommended your story! For the past day, or so, we've been checking in about you "hey babe, what day of her story are you on?". It's been weirdly therapeutic. Weird, only bc I never imagined we'd be bonding over some strangers PA story, but, it's working!
The porn isn't new; my reaction is. We have children now. My mom is dying of cancer. No more faking it until I make it. I see, how very innocent (through my kids) & how very short (through cancer) life can be. I'm done. My mom's cancer is making me face my own mortality. I want whatever life I have left, to be a happy, fulfilled one.
I will stick through this w/ my PA, IF & ONLY IF he shows me he's willing to get help for himself, use the tools, & just be a faithful, reliable , trustworthy husband.

 

Give me a day or 2 to write down some real life, non-generic questions. You reached out 1st, you're stuck with me JKJK
Seriously, though, the amount of time you took, will not go unnoticed ✊

 

I appreciate everything! Rest well knowing ALL OF YOU have potentially helped recovery & possibly save a family. Not just a marriage, but a family. You all are good people