Date in a few days. Do i have time ?

Hi folks. Im not sure which category this post belongs to.
I used to fap every day until yesterday. On friday i have a date with a girl i like and she likes me too. We've been speaking for many months now and things are more than certain. If i stay nofap until then, will i be fine?

 

I don't know if I mean pied. It's impossible to know since I haven't had sex in three years. The last time I had sex I was nofap for only a few days and I was fine to the bone. Fully enjoyed it. By saying fine I mean if I have time to get rid of anxiety. Any form of anxiety. Be it performance or whatever. I have a few lexotanil just in case ...

 

(Administrators, if the post has to be moved again, tell me which category it belongs to so will have it mind, cause i think my case is a bit too specific and i admit, i get things mixed up sometimes)

hi guys i am back from much overtime work until Thursday. like 11 hours a day. So, the date wasn't exactly a date. i met her when she was with her mother. she visited my town with her, to find a doctor. Well, i have to say that high definition video chat can FOOL you big time. As pretty as she looked on skype, the exact opposite happened IRL. She was way more overweight than she looked, and had a few male features, like a bit of hair on her back, her face was too square and her feet too big. All these made me suspect that she was likely born a man and then made a surgery to change her sex. The first weird sign was the pitch of her voice. A bit bass but not too bass to make it certain that she is wasn't always a woman. I tried not to be paranoid because she didn't have the Adam's apple like most, lets say M2F women have. I have reason to be paranoid after my last encounter in 2016. She had the Adam's apple and her voice was somewhat deeper than normal for a female, and when i went inside her, her vagina was way TOO tight and i could feel the bone of the waist (exclusive male feature), and above all she was dry as a summer in Greece. However, i have met many actual women who have a bass voice but there were proofs that they were NOT born men like fully lubricated vagina and body proportions of a woman. Anyway, since then i am afraid that i will only attract that type of "women" from now on, or i wont attract anything female that breathes . I stayed for a brief coffee with her and her mother and then i called my mate, pretending i was worried and had to rush, and that my mate was in the hospital (he wasn't). I ran like Forest Gump. So my paranoia has skyrocketed now. Will i ever attract a pretty ACTUAL women again?
The long dry spells began after my first psychotic episode in 2014 and climaxed now, since my second episode in 2016. I don't believe it has to do with my episodes. I was always more than interested in sex, and a friend keeps telling me that is actually my choice to abstain, since i am fine looking and i had success in the past. NO buddy, if it was my choice i wouldn't have made attempts. I admit it. I didn't approach for 2 and a half years, but since December 2018 when i started hunting again, ALL my attempts have failed. The quotes were more than humiliating and ironic. Examples:
1)"I didnt feel any attraction. And also you remind me of my uncle. "
2)"You dont attract me sexually. I dont like shaved heads, i like long hair and beards. And also you were very friendly with me from the beginning so how do you expect my response to your sexual interest? "
3)"Thanks for your interest but honestly am not interested in such thing, and you make me feel awkward right now.So can we leave it?"
A big note on #2 :
That chick when she saw my photos she said they are all very good. Then, a short while after she rejected me, she called me handsome on Viber, and said that i am pretty despite the fact that she doesn't see me as a potential partner. Above all, her attitude towards me was like i am her one of her female friends. She told me to go out whenever she felt like it, but every time i asked her our she said no. Once, when i told her to meet me when i was with friends, she sent a friend request to my friend the next day and she was refusing to add me on FB and told me: you have become psychotic with the fucking facebook, and lied at me, by saying, she was trying to not use it and not add new people. Sorry you little ****, but if that was true you wouldnt have added my friend. Guys, dont you think that was a very mean gesture ?? Meet a person through your friend, add that person on FB the next fucking day and keep ignoring your friend ?? My mate agreed on that. So dear girl, IF you really liked me as a friend, you wouldnt keep refusing to add me. Every weekend she was telling me all the details of her sexual adventures like i was her little classmate from elementary school, like she didnt know i would feel awkward and uncomfortable.The peak was a friday night at a party when she came with her long haired and beard-faced fuck-buddy, but i cant accuse her, since she made her self clear that i dont attract her. So i believe she only wanted me as her company, just to connect her self to my male friends, who have the style of her taste, like beards and long hair. Parenthesis, i fucking HATE that style, I always did, not because SHE likes it (sorry, all skinheads and punks hate hipsters) . Continuing the story. After she added my beard-faced friend on FB, i ending up fictionally "hating" that friend and playing scenarios of offending him inside my head, despite that would never happen and still speak with that guy, cause i value friends even acquaintances much more that women like her. The guy advised me to stop talking to her. She and him have no contact at all, despite being friends on FB. Now i am afraid that she might find me through him and ask for explanations , and if that happens yes i will feel awkward and even afraid. I am not used to being straight forward when something annoys me. My family never taught me to even express my feelings, i dare to say they suppressed me whenever i tried to show my anger in anything. They never encouraged me to the tiniest thing regarding fighting in life and being asserting and strong etc..but what do you expect from a bipolar father who has made the hospital his second house and a depressed mother who denies treatment ? .... Parenthesis closes. Excuse me guys, i am asking you and please answer me with honesty and logic. If that attitude of that woman is not psychological war then what is it?? I consider my self a needy wussy, and a complete failure because i kept talking to her for a few months after the rejection and her mean gesture i told you, about FB and my friend. I kept pretending i am her friend cause i wanted her to help me with women, by introducing me to any of her friends or by advising me. Hahaha on that. A 31 year old "former" near-alpha male asking for help from a 24 y.o immature **** ?? I am so fucking desperate with rejection and sexual frustration, that i cant hide my needs (dont confuse needs with neediness, please). So, it is self-explanatory that i cut ALL contact with her COLD TURKEY. I disappeared like a ghost. Changed my phone number and profile on Facebook. And that way, i got away from the last "girl" i met(the one i started my post with). I dont know what to do fellas.

LAST NOTE

I have another story, but i must say it, to help you understand why i have started suspecting a curse or black magic. 4 Years ago, i got involved with a group of practiced buddhists here in Athens. I always believed in energy and reiki and back then, i had a tendency towards buddhism. Now i am back to Atheism. The teacher there at the buddhist center, which they called temple, was a fucking scumbag. My reiki teacher who introduced me to him, told me that buddhism is not against sex and that the Llama will not tell me to abastain, neither your vows include celibacy. When i started getting deeper into that so called tantric mysticism, the Llama started telling my that i lack vital energy and if i wanted to live, i had to never have sex again. He said that every time i went there, and i was always very sensitive as a person. Words have a huge emotional impact on me. It was always like that, and i got worse after my first long dry spell in 2014, which broke in 2015. I left that group of people soon after that. Since then, i believe the reason i get rejected all the fucking time, is that the Llama has done a spell on me that keeps women away. I am SEVERELY traumatized since then. I cant even pronounce the words sex and love withou blushing or losing my words. Well I have the phone number of the Llama and i can mess with his life big time, i can even go to the center with others and smash it up, but i know i will get into trouble with the law because i went there on my own will and nobody forced me to say with them. Also they never annoyed me again since i left. What can i do ?? Please help ? Is it the curse ?? Is it that looks really dont matter and is just abut HOW you approach ? I cant easily agree on the last one. When the pussy is wet and the dick hits the ceiling, everything else doesnt count. The last thing i can accept is that i a much uglier than my early 20s. If was always rejected by women, i wouldnt be paranoid and sad right now. But no, it wasnt like that back then. at least 4 attempts out of 10 succeded. Now 10 out of 10 FAIL. I dont know what kept from suicide since 2017 until today. The image of myself swallowing tons of pills and being found dead, or shooting my self is all over every day all day. I even make thoughts that ressemble neediness, like me having a near-death experience in order to make the world notice me a bit more and eventually getting a chance to just get rid of the excess testosterone. Yes i agree on nofap, it will help me calm down and approach with confidence. I was always against masturbation, not because of religion or other bullshit, but because the first homo sapiens got together every time they were horny without long stupid processes like chit chat and taking it slowly. Anyway, i can quit fapping for ever and try to get a girl every day everywhere but if i am convicted to eternal rejection, why even bother staying in this world ? I'd rather "leave" by a bullet from my own hand to my own head. Cause prostate cancer is the worst way to die. Please, i will accept all opinions. Even the offensive ones. But try to not discourage me please. I seriously wanna know WHAT to believe on the last part of my story. If i am cursed what can i do? Give him a phone call and threaten him? Try to find his address? Smash his temple up ? I dont wanna go to jail and destroy my life. I recently found my dream job and that gave some strength...
(sigh)
P.S
IF there is a god, and IF divine justice goes like : gold-hearted guys get rejected and scumbags like abusive mucho jerks have the biggest success without effort, then all i have to say is that i am with the devil, since he is opposite of god, right ?