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Dark Night of the Soul

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by liberationtime, Apr 23, 2014.

  1. liberationtime

    liberationtime Fapstronaut

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    I'm on day ten of my first 14-day goal. While to many this may seem insignificant, I've come to the most trying period I've faced so far. Within the past 24 hours, my mind has started raging with tempting thoughts that don't seem to be stopping -- though talking about it seems to help some. It all began with friendly conversations: while having dinner with some friends, conversation came up about everyone's sexuality...and how normal they consider their lifestyles to be. As I listened to them, and considered my journey in perspective, I started feeling as if I am the abnormal one. I started feeling that my attempt to deviate from the repetitive PMO was an anomaly, and therein more doubt arose.

    The existential questions came next: "why am I doing this?" "This is pointless." "This isn't really worth anything?" "Is it really so bad to go back to the way things were before?" "Don't you miss it?" "Everybody does it; it's normal." As all of these questions are whirring around in my head, my mind is subtly reminding my body of how much I miss the old habits. I'm recalling videos, photos, and feelings from the past that are just making the urges worse. I feel like I've had an attack on all fronts.

    Luckily I made it through the night without giving in to a relapse, but it was hard work. I'm sure most of you have had similar experiences, and I'm also aware that this is most likely not the last tough time I will have with all of this. But how do you fight back when everything in your mind is clamoring against you? My only real enemy in all of this is myself. No one is judging me but me; no one is fighting me but me. Where do I even go with that?
     
  2. NotAfraid

    NotAfraid Fapstronaut

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    Let me borrow your thread name and turn it into a metaphor for you:
    "The night is always darkest before dawn"

    Of course that wasn't mine, but it fits perfectly.

    The urges will go away! Everything will soon get better and you have to have faith in it and just carry on!

    The sun is rising every second.
     
  3. FapensteinsMonster

    FapensteinsMonster Fapstronaut

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    Oh my god man, I feel absolutely the same way sometimes! It's insane!

    You're rolling along on your journey, doing great. Some days are easy and you think "wow this is a snap!". Then there are days where you feel like you're slogging through a tar pit of temptations and rationalizations and every step to get out is a struggle.

    I've always felt that porn and masturbating in and of itself and in moderation is not necessarily bad. For some it can be a diversion, a way to relieve stress or get through a sexless period in their lives. Masturbation IS a normal behavior, no matter what anyone says. The problem is, if you're on this site, it's because WE can't do moderation. Our brains have become wired to want more and more of it.

    My personal PMO/MO - free record was 21 days back in February. On that 22nd day the rationalization monster whispered just a little too loudly to where I decided to MO in the shower. I thought "I've been good, I deserve one, I'm not looking at porn and it'll just be quick". But of course, within a very, very short time, the addiction got a foothold again and gained momentum until I was PMO-ing almost every day for several weeks. As of this post, I feel I'm only just now starting to get back on track.

    I hear that PMO monster in my head loud and clear right now. He wants his fix but I'm trying like hell to deny him. That's when he gets you, when you're confident, happy, complacent. He tries to convince you "everyone does it" "it's normal" "what's the big deal?".

    And yeah, a lot of people DO do it and many can handle it. We can't. For whatever series of events in our lives that has made us susceptible to porn addiction, we can't just do "one and done".

    Some days are going to be tougher than others. Some days are going to be a real battle even. Try to keep busy, keep your mind occupied on something else. Try not to be home alone if you can help it. If you don't have something specific to do, go out, jog, ride a bike, run errands. Just do your best to stay focused.

    I try to do all of the above but there are times when I have no choice but to be home by myself. I've found having my headphones on and my iPod with me around the house really helps. I'm able to drown out the voice of the PMO monster with good music.

    One last thing. Don't look at the clock, calendar, counter or whatever it is you use to mark the days since you last acted out. It's like watching the proverbial tea kettle, it'll just make your journey feel like it's taking that much longer. It's not bad to have a counter, but once you set it, try forget it's even there. Try to lose track of the days. When you do remember to check, you'll go "DAMN, has it really been XX days? WOO HOO!"
     
  4. sanchy

    sanchy Fapstronaut

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    I'm practicing this technique I just analyzed on the Fortifyprogram website, where you'll be present to the urges, seeing them face to face as they come by. The program paints the urges as if it were a wave on the ocean, it draws the wave in the shape of a monster that will scream at you, while you stand on the shore and observe it, but knowing sooner or later, the wave crashes against the shore and dissipates.

    In other words, don't just simply ignore the urges. Instead, expect them. Be aware of them. Observe them "from a far". Look at them as they scream at you, yell at you, louder and louder. Sooner or later, that urge will reach the "shore" and the "louder and louder" will become softer and softer.

    But, main thing is, try to be aware to the urges. Knowing that they are there, studying them, how your body feels, how loud the volume gets inside of you, but all the meantime not following through with their requests, has helped me deal with the temptations lately.
     
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2014
  5. Ibrahim Haidar

    Ibrahim Haidar Fapstronaut

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    I grab the closest T-shirt, roll it up and bite hard on it, let my minds frustration go into a for a bit, maybe 15 seconds. Just hold onto it and flailing it around. Then I force myself into the cold shower head first. That's usually enough. If not, I'll just storm out of the house, just walk to myself. Bang my head to some death metal, anything to get my thoughts elsewhere without having to focus
     
  6. liberationtime

    liberationtime Fapstronaut

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    These suggestions are immensely helpful. gents. Thank you for your replies! I'm trying to continuously remind myself one day at a time, one urge at a time. If I stay present and focused like that, it seems to shrink that proverbial wave a bit.
     
  7. Markguy

    Markguy Fapstronaut

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    Really great post and responses. I would just add that for many of us, this is a progressive disease. I used to think, yeah this seems compulsive, but I'm holding my life together. So what's the big deal? My addiction kept spiraling until it began to affect my health, my job, my family and friends. I'm now having to rebuild from a near life collapse. I was a smart, energetic, outgoing, successful, high performer that became a depressed, recluse, socially anxious, unemployed, lazy, unmotivated, fearful guy. My experience is that PMO subtlety takes over more and more. I thought I could keep it under control, but it wound up controlling me. If you have an addiction, it doesn't matter what your friends claim they can handle on the side, what's important is to get healthy before the addiction takes over your life. Best wishes!
     
  8. fgxsales

    fgxsales Fapstronaut

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    Awesome way to look at the temptations. Thanks for sharing.
     
  9. IWantABetterLife22

    IWantABetterLife22 NoFap Moderator

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    Alexander, the founder of NoFap, posted a video where he states that the rationalization of PMO is the #1 enemy to NoFappers. I suggest you give this a watch, and hopefully it helps. Good luck liberationtime :)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2OLoKUi34g
     

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