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Daily Journal

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by richardlessman, Jul 30, 2014.

  1. richardlessman

    richardlessman Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys, I keep trying to post this to different posts but from here on out I'm going to keep this in one place on this thread. I've made it to day 18 and can see the 3 week milestone on the horizon. Yesterday was relatively easy after I got to work. Morning was extremely difficult and this morning has been tough as well.

    It helps to know you're fighting your brain because at least there's a cause for what you're feeling.

    Question today is at what point did anyone who's been free for a long period of time start to notice a decrease in these cravings. I feel like for a large part of the day this is on my mind, whether it's thinking about how many days I've been off or just cravings. Any thoughts?

    Also felt pain in my teeth and sinus's yesterday and I'm thinking it's a side effect of dopamine levels trying to return to normal. Anyone else experience this?

    Keep fighting! Never Quit! It will pass! The best is ahead!
     
  2. perusan

    perusan Fapstronaut

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    For me it was about day 30 that I managed to get on top of the urges. As for being aware of the fight, well I am here every day so I am always aware of it. However, if I step away from the computer it normally goes away. But I still get urges. Yesterday I had a great chat with my addiction who was convinced that I had missed something on a site I used to go to and if I only went back and looked I would see something important. And today I got the jitters - shaky legs while I settled down to work. But that is an easy thing to deal with.

    As for pain in your teeth and sinuses - stop grinding your teeth. You are tense. You are most probably grimacing or grinding or clenching your teeth. Deep breathing, meditation, drink water, rest your eyes.

    Good luck!
     
  3. richardlessman

    richardlessman Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys!,

    Day 21 around 4:00 today it will have been 3 weeks since my last PMO and life is going great. Don't get me wrong it's been hard as hell but ultimately life is great compared to being a slave to that garbage that controlled me for so long. Yesterday I feel like I hit a bit of a breakthrough, I woke up feeling refreshed, energized and confident.

    It didn't happen again today but I am very pumped to be getting through week three. A month is on the horizon now and hopefully the worst is over but I'm prepared for it incase it isn't.

    Guys there are so many distractions out there and your brain wants you to fail. Stay focused on why you're doing this. I never want to have another New Years Eve where I'm saying that not looking at porn and masturbating are going to be my resolution. I never want to have to lie to my wife again. I don't want to stay stuck in this rutt again!

    This may sound weird but I know deep inside that not only my future but many peoples hangs in the balance here. Do I want my kids to struggle with the same problems I struggled with? Hell no!

    How can I help other men if I'm not free? You can't really.


    Keep fighting, stay strong, and BTW @Perusian I get that all the time that I'm missing something on one of my favorite websites. My brains favorite 1 liner bullshit "I bet there's something new you've just been waiting for on that site!"

    Don't buy the Lie!

    Lets go!
     
  4. richardlessman

    richardlessman Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys though day yesterday. I came home a little bit drunk from a work event. Sat on my couch had a panic attack (heart racing and breathing heavy). I started to look at some p edged a bit, stopped myself then 45 minutes later the same thing happened. I stopped myself again and came back to reality. I feel pretty bad but proud I stopped myself and am back on the fight just a little worried if I've set myself back significantly. I never O'ed so I'm not gonna reset the counter unless you guys think I should. Thoughts and support are much appreciated.
     
  5. kanta

    kanta Fapstronaut

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    I'm just five days in, but I realized I was doing this, too--grinding my teeth, I mean. I've been hyper-aware of them, as I've gotten some dental work done, recently, and it's a good thing to keep in mind. Just breath.
     
  6. richardlessman

    richardlessman Fapstronaut

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    Guys it happened again today. I watched some porn and edged. Man this is a struggle, my brain keeps telling me to just get it over with that I've gone to far. But screw that, I stopped and am not going to let that happen again. It was my fault and I can't do anything about it. I need to keep moving forward now.
     
  7. perusan

    perusan Fapstronaut

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    Hey! Stop looking at P! I mean, seriously, get a grip! Read your post from day 21. Look at how hopeful it is. Look at how much potential there is in it. Look at how happy it is.

    Then you come home drunk which is a very vulnerable state and you give that addiction just a little bit of wriggle room and BOOM! you are beginning to act like it is day 1. You can do better than this.

    You know why your addiction thinks it now has the upper hand, it is because you didn't reset your counter. It is saying, "Hey, look, we can get away with this. No-one cares. Richardlessman doesn't care. He is just carrying on like it is okay. Sweet. Let's do it some more. Let's push and push and push. This bastard is easy to break."

    If you aren't going to reset your counter then you sure as hell can't keep edging and looking at P. Don't think we don't care. Don't think we won't hold you accountable. We are here standing beside you, fighting the exact same fight and we won't let you fall. But you have to get on top of this fast. You need to build up those defences. Write out a new list of triggers. Being drunk goes to the top of that list. And you need to come up with a list of solutions. If you want to beat this you need to be hardcore. Right now. This is your toughest time. You think day 5 or day 10 that was hard part? No, the hard part is right now. This is no time to get complacent.

    Write that list of triggers.
    Write the list of solutions.
    Leave the computer or whatever you use for P alone. Step away from it. YOU DO NOT NEED IT.

    You are right, you need to move forward. Stay strong. We stand with you.

    Good luck!
     
  8. richardlessman

    richardlessman Fapstronaut

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    Good morning everyone,

    First off Perusan, thank you! Part of me hated reading your post because it is true but you are so right. I need to get a grip and I have. Basically, I have a lot of blockers setup on my phone and computer. I got access through a loophole that I've known about for a long time and yesterday when I was alone again and felt temptation again I decided that since this loophole is there I might as well use it for good rather than bad. There's always going to be loop holes and so for the first time in this journey I got onto yourbrainonporn.com (it was always blocked before).

    Anyway, great info, everything in my brain was telling me it was over and to just go full out relapse but I realized reading there that I've made great progress so far. I'm not throwing in the towel No P, No edging, this is done! Line in the sand here.

    My brain has come a long way and I'm going to push through. Since I didn't O there shouldn't be a very strong chaser and I'm just going to keep going here. The only reason I didn't reset my counter was because I didn't O but if anything happens again I will.

    I'm focused,

    Way too much on the line.
     
  9. perusan

    perusan Fapstronaut

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    Really proud of you, richardlessman!
     
  10. richardlessman

    richardlessman Fapstronaut

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    Man it's been a bit of a battle so far today. Tryin to stay focused on work and have a unyielding desire for success right now. Just definitely feeling the withdrawal symptoms.
     
  11. richardlessman

    richardlessman Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys,

    24 days in and I'm feelin strong again! After that rough weekend and fighting to not go full blown relapse I know I can make it through. Had a great workout yesterday and fought off a couple of really tough urges. Quitting isn't an option. I've come to realize I either beat this or will die in my addiction maybe not physically but on the inside and I can't let that happen because there's too much at stake.

    Quarter of a way to 100 days. Lets do this!
     
  12. richardlessman

    richardlessman Fapstronaut

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    What's up guys!? Day 25 and I think I've hit the infamous flatline! I don't remember this ever happening before so let me just run a couple things by you all quickly to get an opinion.

    - My mind still thinks about sex as often is before
    - It seems to have no affect on me like I couldn't be bothered to dwell on the thoughts like I normally would
    - Feel very unmotivated (this is horrible for work - tips please)
    - Feel very tired
    - Emotions = numb

    Is this really what the flatline is? I kindof am welcoming it because I would rather be here than having a panic attack cause my body wants PMO. Also so glad I didn't give in completely during that struggle last week. It goes to show 2 things.

    1. Just because you start to slip doesn't mean you need to fall. I've believed that lie for ages

    2. Some brain recovery has happened because if this is indeed flatline time it wouldn't have happened so fast if I was back to square one.

    Bring it on!
     
  13. perusan

    perusan Fapstronaut

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    Hi! To me, from what you describe, you are experiencing several things at the same time.

    1. You are approaching flatline. The fact that the thoughts about sex are not stimulating you suggests that your brain is getting used to filtering out those thoughts as noise. In time those thoughts will get quieter, less frequent and eventually stop altogether.
    2. You are mentally tired from your struggle. BUT! You clearly still have your defences up. That is a really good sign. Beware this stage. Although you might feel tired, your addiction is ready to pounce. Keep up what youa re doing to keep it at bay. even better, introduce something new to help fight urges. Something new will have more energy and can only increase your defences.
    3. You are physically tired, maybe because you have been more active during the time you would normally be PMO. Or have you been having late nights or sleepless nights. Whatever the reason, physical tiredness is very normal and easily solvable. You just have to indulge yourself with a good nights sleep.

    From everything you have said today, and before, I think you might be having some anxiety that these craving won't go away, that in some way you are going to be different, that you are not going to reach that calmness your crave. Please be reassured that that time will come. It is a natural part of the path to recovery. It cannot be predicted when it will happen and it cannot be rushed. But it will happen.

    I suggested above trying something new. I would recommend finding a 5 minute meditation program that works for you. I have had a quick look on youtube and there is all sorts of stuff there - you may find some of it appealing, some not. Someone posted on an old thread of mine a good link - an introduction to 5 minute meditation you can do in a chair. I will try to dig it up. Until then give this a read.

    http://www.artofmanliness.com/2011/09/07/a-primer-on-meditation/

    Good luck.
     
  14. richardlessman

    richardlessman Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys, relatively good day today. Maybe not at the flatline yet like I thought. Been feeling a deep pulling within me and some strong urges. Got some peaceful music playing right now and goin on a rampage on the forum here! Encouraging others encourages me!

    I love you all never quit!
     
  15. richardlessman

    richardlessman Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys hope you're all doing well. Thought that I may have hit flatline yesterday boy was I wrong. Urges hit hard last night and this morning but I stood my ground and remembered why I'm doing this. It's a very hard battle but one that will be won.

    Losing isn't an option
     
  16. not2late

    not2late Fapstronaut

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    Hi Richardlessman.
    Losing isn't an option. True words. Fight every moment every day and focus on developing new habits, new thought patterns. You can do this. Nothing comes easy, this battle will be won by you.
    Keep updating this journal, I'm following this.
     
  17. richardlessman

    richardlessman Fapstronaut

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    Hey Guys,

    Day 28, after the last two days being urge filled. Primarily from the evening of day 26 (that morning I thought I had flatlined) to the mid afternoon of day 27 I'm feeling a lot better. It feels back to when I might be flatlining which is more than welcome after some really strong urges. On the flip side I made it through those so my confidence is boosted, and I'm stronger than before.

    This battle isn't easy but it's one that can be won and many before us have done it successfully. Looking forward to the weekend but also have a battle plan in place to make sure complacency doesn't get the better of me.

    Not2late thanks for your support. It's great to know there are people cheering you on from the sidelines and you have the same from me.

    To 4 weeks! and the rest of my life, freedom is at hand! #neverquit
     
  18. richardlessman

    richardlessman Fapstronaut

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    Good morning guys! Wow has this journey been a rollercoaster. Feeling like I'm flatlining, then having these horrible urges then back thinking I'm flatlining and today had an urge so bad I started breathing heavy and literally just needed to sit still so I wouldn't do anything stupid. I'm literally shaking right now as I'm typing this slowly feeling this urge drain away.

    Man this is sooo hard! But, a wise man once said "if it's easy it's probably not worth fighting for". I'm going to run with that here.

    This is my journey over the last 6 weeks.
    - I went 14 days no PMO then relapsed 1 time and found nofap
    - I've now gone 28 days since then with two edging/p close calls that I walked away from
    - It's now been another week since that happened

    My brain must be starting to see some positive momentum in the right direction!

    I need to keep moving forward. Keep fighting guys, #neverquit
     
  19. richardlessman

    richardlessman Fapstronaut

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    Another day down! Today will hit day 30! Feeling good guys and I'm embracing the battle, and the urges. I know that they are signs that my brain is returning to normal and that these things take time.

    Urges are slowly becoming weaker and I'm feeling a small sense of pride that I've completed a month. The rest of my life is ahead of me and I'm excited to learn to deal with life without medicating myself ever. It's a journey and an adventure.
     
  20. richardlessman

    richardlessman Fapstronaut

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    Good morning guys! A really good weekend just passed, now at day 31 it's been an entire month since I last PMO'd and I'm feeling much stronger. I'm noticing the urges are weaker and that things are moving forward in a positive direction.

    I realize that quitting PMO isn't just about not masturbating and looking at porn but really also about becoming healthier in general. I've said this many times but this habit infiltrates many parts of our lives including relationships, faith, motivation, work, and physical wellbeing. With that said, I'm trying to implement one new practice into my life each week to live a healthier life.

    Last week it was to begin drinking more water, this week I'm going to reinstitute devotional and prayer time into my mornings. I haven't talked about it a lot but I've been a Christian for 10 years and this has always been something that has been holding me back in that area of life. I've always felt that this has been some sort of spiritual attack on my life but now that I realize that it's actually a problem in my brain it's quite liberating and freeing.

    Thanks for the support guys. Looking forward to never going back again!

    Keep fighting.
     

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