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Crossed the line as Stepdad. Unbelievably betrayed. Any Hope?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by BetrayedMermaid, Mar 4, 2018.

  1. What is amazing here is you have somewhat of an insight into the how addiction starts. For the addict there are uncomfortable feelings and situations going on in their life. They have a moral code yet they're tempted with the idea to cross that line in order to seek immediate relief from their emotional pain. Sadly, the opposite happens and once you've crossed that line you're then met with shame and self-hatred. Those feelings then compound on top of the original ones you were feeling which in turn leads you to seek relief again. It really feels like a form of insanity where we do the same thing in the hopes of a different result.
     
    BetrayedMermaid likes this.
  2. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    His actions have been showing me that he’s really sorry and are consistent with his words. He’s trying. Thanks Ghostwriter.
     
  3. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    IMO words and actions both matter. The words though need to match the actions and the actions the words. I can't say that the words don't matter because they do. But I do feel that this is a little different BetrayedMermaid's case. But she knows the situation better than any of us do.
    Mermaid, I hope you are doing well. I think you are still with him, right? It is a very hard situation you are in, take care of yourself and your family.
     
  4. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Numb,

    My update.

    No- he has not been living with me and my daughter since I found out his M to her soecifically... I’m going to court tomorrow to finalize legal separation because of the 27,000 surprise credit card debt... basically I’m protecting myself and my daughter... but I’m waiting to make a decision on divorce. He’s doing much to take care of his addiction- it’s yet to be determined if I can: 1. Trust him again 2. If I can stomach being with him sexually.

    I still love him. I have no ill will toward him. Just so sad that it’s come to this. I was so happy before DDay. Feeling shellshocked, but nofap support has been so helpful- the SO’s and the PA’s... ❤️
     
    mcgrim, Jennica, Torn and 1 other person like this.
  5. If I may offer my two cents...I think we can all agree that:

    ‘I’m sorry’ = words

    Consistent changed behavior = actions

    However, while telling your wife that you MO’d to thoughts of her daughter may be words, actually MOing to thoughts/fantasy of the stepdaughter and seeking out that type of P ARE actions.

    @BetrayedMermaid has said she is glad he told her as it shows honesty even about something extremely painful; however, that doesn’t change the fact that he did it. Appreciating honesty and seeing there is possibility for change doesn’t mean SOs won’t experience trepidation, especially when it means daily interaction with a potential trigger. That trigger being your recently underage CHILD? Cue every protective instinct going into high gear. When it comes to risking the safety of your kid you err in the side of caution, extreme caution. If that genre of P was a favorite, it’s probably not a bad idea to keep a distance between them anyway. At least until longer sobriety can be achieved, and of course assuming they are even considering reconciliation.

    I think this is something that a lot of PAs/SOs struggle with. Yes, SOs want honesty but it doesn’t negate the actions chosen or taken by the PA. The SO is still hurt. The betrayal is still there. Honesty goes a long way towards rebuilding trust and helping the addict escape the cycle of lying and shame. To get mad at an SO or blame them for their reaction to painful knowledge that has been shared, though, is a short step from rationalizing lying in the first place - to prevent hurting someone with the truth. Of course the real protection is for the PA and their addiction.

    I’ve read a lot of posts where PAs are afraid of their SOs thinking badly of them because of what they did. They don’t want to be judged for their behavior. But the truth is, you can’t expect to engage in something your partner considers to be disgusting, hurtful, or a betrayal and NOT be judged for your actions. The honesty about a shameful or difficult topic can be a saving grace. It won’t always be, can’t always be. Some actions are just too much for an SO to forgive.

    Should a PA forever be judged and reminded and raked over coals? Of course not, especially if they show honesty, empathy, and remorse. That would be cruel and counterproductive. But the immediate aftermath is difficult to navigate. A PA may feel it unfair to provide the requested honesty and receive a strong reaction but the SO sure as heck finds it unfair to be put in such a position in the first place.

    If SOs cannot forgive they should definitely end the relationship as it would be unfair to do otherwise. But just as addicts expect patience and understanding during recovery, they should extend the same to SOs as they adjust to the shattered reality thrust upon them. Having your world turned upside down, it can take awhile and being told to ‘just get over it’ is one of the worst things a PA can do. It’s like telling a PA to ‘just get over’ their addiction. Progress, not perfection should be the goal and understanding for both people in the relationship. Within reason, of course...as always.
     
    mcgrim, TryingToHeal, Jennica and 5 others like this.
  6. SaltedPeter

    SaltedPeter Fapstronaut

    I have a different take on this, read the three pages of responses I used P over 45 years I am 55 now married 30 years all addicted to P. I was a supervisor in a Drug Rehabilitation facility as well my perspective on this may not be everyone take but its mine.

    My experience with addicts and my own PA is they are master manipulators, so am I. I am only on the first 115 days of my whole life nearly with Porn. My wife found out a very long time ago, I was caught like most of us are, I repented , relapsed and learned from my mistakes to hide this stuff better and would rinse and repeat the next 26 years. To really put this in perspective and to help shed light I have not shared with anyone but I am a Christian Ordained Pastor, I became one deep in my addiction that is how far one will go too convince others they are clean and sober even (convince ones self too) from PA. I look at this particular case and take away all the i'm so sorry's and look at this as of course you are sorry you got caught and cant use P anymore. I hold dear the reality all PA or be it substance abusers are addicts for life, even if one never uses P again they are an addict. Its hard to this day to not see attractive people and not think bad stuff, but I have tools in place and dismiss them as fast as they get in my head. I could have quit I was just 4 years in the marriage, but why? Looking back at my wife then I only got better at manipulating her. My wife is very attractive, and highly intelligent and the nicest person I have met in my whole life she is quite amazing .....yet I continued my addiction before and during and only now are realizing the truth. For the record she never had anything to do with my addiction, ever. It was me putting space and obstacles for justification. What I have seen is the longer the addiction the more extreme and more extramarital affairs happen. Most addicts will have these affairs with people they at times wont even remember they are simply someone they use, but it is never the spouses fault it just more justification.

    So wow I just painted one sorry human being I am sure and that's who I am, and who many addicts are. But its not who most want to be. We want some normalized way of life, the pain and guilt is so bad that many get sick because of it.

    The first and foremost part of and addicts recovery is not doing it for family or spouse but for him/her self.
    You can't bully, con , manipulate recovery as it will fail.

    My wife has known along time, and stands by me I think because she knows I don't want this in my life.
    And how she can be this strong just tells anyone how amazing she is. I would not of been as kind in reverse
    and thats horrible but thats the addict in me that still has selfish self entitled BS that I am working on along with my PA.

    I wish after having done this so long that I could now have hope for situations like yours, but its different for everyone in recovery. The Addict is often similar addict to addict the recovery not so much, just take a look at this forum you have one day sober and 500+ day sobers and all are struggling that same fight.

    The only thing that is really troubling for me is your kids and that he has thought about it.
    That there worries me but I don't know you or him. So don't take allot of weight to that.

    This addiction is the same as any other chemical addictions, being sorry means nothing, apologizing means squat in my book. The only way to repair such a problem is making amends..........the rest of his life for he will be an addict the rest of his life. Therapy is good and meetings etc, but it will come down to whether he wants to be sober of whether this plays out well.

    My prayers go out to you and your family, truly can see the pain as I know I have caused much worse pain in my relationships. What maybe makes me have a shot and staying sober is that I know I am lying manipulative SOB, that deserves no one and is selfish a-hole. But I know I don't want to be those things, and lastly I want to respect the man I am today I want to be able to look in the mirror like I can today and like who looks back. That has empowered me greatly
    and whats rewarding in that the Manipulative, selfish a-hole I was, is harder and harder to see in that mirror and whats very great is the wife sees I have changed without me telling her I am on day 115 or even that I quit thats just lip service I am showing her the man I want her to love and the man I am wanting to be.

    God Bless and prayers for strength in this..
     
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2018
  7. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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  8. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    I think she’s safe, but I can’t be sure because I don’t know him. I can’t take the chance at this time. My daughter is a trigger for me now. She’s a mini- me... only young. He has come over to take care of house stuff (with me there) and if my daughter is home and comes in the same room, my heart pounds with discomfort and I watch him carefully- he doesn’t look at her.

    So he says it was only one time M. to her about 6 months ago- and yes she was 17 then, the thoughts of her sexually started about a year ago after he had seen stepdaughter/stepfather P. Problem is I don’t believe him, he lies, and omits.

    She has never felt uncomfortable around him (until she knew of PA).. and she doesn’t know specifics of his P or M to her...
     
  9. SaltedPeter

    SaltedPeter Fapstronaut

    This story shows the levels and varying areas addicts face and get into, I never had this issue as it repulsed me to even consider it. That is why I was trying to show how other things are too in this addiction.. Its also why I didn't comment on that specifically as who am I to judge and I felt it would come out that way. But it bothers me, the dad and grandfather in me feel protection as the number one. I don't think I could stay in the same house if it was me and that just me, not suggesting it at all, but hearing it did shock me and as my history can show it would take allot to make me feel that way when it came to P.
    Keeping Prayers going this has to be difficult.
     
  10. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Are you saying that P and M to a stepdaughter are shocking with your history as a Pastor and Drug Rehab supervisor? There is a whole genre of P. With that step mother/father/brother/sister. Easy to find... why would you be shocked? I was thinking that it’s quite common for PA’s to find something to cause some anxiety and disgust to excite them.. of course this would be the perfect disgusting anxiety producing P.
     
  11. SaltedPeter

    SaltedPeter Fapstronaut

    Hello, what I am saying is I get the whole people search for different type P&M to use.
    But having abused my self many years the material I used was never reflected because of someone I knew and would never be of a child or someone elses.
    I find the incest thing disgusting always have, yes I know who am I to judge and is why I am not judging
    just sharing it bothers me. The fact that a young women who lives with him in a daughter capacity and he
    has fantasies about her and watches material that helps enhance that seem very dangerous to me.
    I do not share my past to validate anything I am saying, I shared my past in saying that yes all the crap I have gone thru seen and done and this bothers me. Not accusing him of anything, and maybe I am way off but there is
    P&M and then there is a whole other realm and level out there, that I am blessed to have not got into having done it so long. Saying once more not judging, if he had M about her one time it would be weird but ok, or if he had watched
    that area of fetish and M, it would be somewhat understandable. But you mix all that together and that he cares about you and lusts after your daughter why satisfying his own needs worries me. And for the 4th time :) not judging its just how I felt and went wow to my self. Shared thinking I wonder if she is aware how this mix is even strange to someone like me
    who obviously has not had a straight path or normal life. I hope I did not offend you that was not my intent.
     
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  12. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Nobody is offending me, I'm gathering information and am strong enough to hear it straight. I'm basically trying to decide if my husband is dangerous or not for my daughter to be around. I'm trying to figure out what is "normal" porn addiction stuff and what is predator stuff. I know there is seriously disturbing things out there. When I asked him what the type of porn that made him the most uncomfortable he said gang bang and stepdaughter. I just really wish he had told me in the beginning of our marriage before this fantasy of step daughter happened. It might have made the difference. But I'm still so glad he had the courage to disclose this and very early on, the first time I asked him about what type of porn he watched, he included stepdaughter/stepfather porn... very brave knowing that this was my worst nightmare. He's trying very hard and says he's determined to stomp out the demon. I feel like he's putty in my hands, and this does make me feel somewhat loved... he reads what I ask him to read, he does what I ask him to do (in regards to getting help)... today was so hard and I cried quietly through the court separation, tears streaming... I know he feels so sorry. Anyway, I guess I'm going to focus on healing myself after conversing with my counselor and a few friends. I'm focusing on me, I've been focusing on him. So here's to a new era... the Post Finalized Separation Me....

    I'm going to sign up for massages...
     
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  13. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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  14. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Pornhub just put out the statistics for the year 2017....incest, specifically stepmom and stepdaughter will top the previous top search,previous "teen" in 2016... For broad search load searches in "porn" and "free porn" categories, based on how many searches the overall web has customized, internationally, minimumized down to these categories.
    So, in short
    .. This is the top porn category for last year.
    Is it trending?
    Yes.
    International?
    Yes.
    National?
    Idk.
    Is it common?
    Yes.
    Domestic rape and #metoo is at a all time high because of this?
    Probably.
    According to pornhub. Com actually sources and internal statistics and output statements.
    I'd take that pretty seriously.
     
  15. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I have all kinds of access... To all kinds of places. :)
     
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  16. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Horribly disturbing and wicked... and sad that many families will be tainted and broken because of this specific type of incest porn... that it's trending... my heart hurts for humanity.
     
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  17. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Hopefully you will also find comfort that you aren't alone
     
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  18. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Yeah you didn't.
    We all have bad days.
    You would know.
     
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  19. SaltedPeter

    SaltedPeter Fapstronaut


    Its very reasonable to have no idea what I am thinking, why should you? You have not lived my life and I have not shared even 1/1000 of the stuff I did in 45 years as and addict. But I know very well the danger in this addiction. I am not trying to be Joe expert and God knows I didn't ask to be a P addict. But I am now trying to use what I went thru in hopes in making amends and maybe I can help others if only a little. I find it interesting however you do not care that I state "I am worried" yet you verify how deep this sheeeet can go? Just for the record I never used the words shocked to describe how I felt worried is not shocked its of concerning nature, your comments make it see like I am appalled which I never said, but is something all addicts do is redirect from themselves to others to enhance their own validity. I know in my growth I have to be careful not getting caught by actions from others like this. I don't care 1% whether you agree with me or not. In fact I hold no weight at all to it, for I have seen addicts literately by the thousands, I have watched addicts die, I have watch them imprisoned, I have watch them lie cheat and steal and manipulate, so this is no insult but I can't take your words with any value as that makes me irresponsible. This family in the OP is in turmoil, its a WTF moment wright up in their faces and us addicts know that is. I was kind but honest about what I felt whether anyone agrees with me or not matters not, as I am in recovery for me first and my family second and to live healthy if I can, third in my life.
    Good luck to everyone in this topic..I am not going to respond to it further gave some input and thats all it is.

    Take care folks and one day at a time is how its done.
     
  20. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    I have to agree with Ghost, I didn't think he was attacking you at all SaltedPeter, but I feel you took it as if he did. Just my perspective. Respect to both of you.
     

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