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Leaving the Hive

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Queenie%Bee, Sep 24, 2018.

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  1. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    OK so update I just might’ve been a little bit hormonal this last argument I will admit that I am only human and not a Real bee . It did take me a couple days and him a couple days to come back together and actually have a deep conversation without emotion , I feel like I do better with that , as does he . My father taught me a long time ago people stop listening to you when you’re crying or yelling ,ain’t that the truth. Welp I think I proved the point that I am not all about sex we just went to 17 days until I was ready emotionally and felt connected , and I can basically say I can totally tell he’s sober when you know you know . None of that changes how I feel about the past . Our past is very long filled with so much joy love caring passion , at the same time it could be cold distant lazy non-present ,almost all of that can be attributed to PA . The lazy part pisses me off , I know that is not just PA . Being lazy in love is such a terrible way to be with your spouse , especially if she gives you her all . Especially if she stayed when she prob shouldn’t have . Especially if she supported you when she shouldn’t have . I think most of this last argument definitely stemmed from my deep seeded betrayal trauma it’s some thing I am working on it’s something I promise myself every day I work on . Last year I almost deleted my journal at least I’m glad I did not it felt really good to get all that out I’ll try not to be a stranger and to be a support to others . Maybe something I say one daybMaybe something I say one day will be read by a PA and be shook enough to change his world . Guys and gals don’t be LAZY ! ❤️
     
    hope4healing and onceaking like this.
  2. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I found the laptop . I don’t know when he bought it . I’m not surprised. I found it right before bed . Said nothing . Texted him so he’d see it in the morning . No response . SHADOW MAN is back in full affect .
     
  3. :( I'm so sorry that you're going through this...again. My heart aches for you. Stay strong. ♡
     
  4. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    With a recovery rate of only 5% and a history of lying, my boundary is my husband must take a polygraph any time I ask for one. It has proven to be a marriage saver. I know when my husband has relapsed, heck I know before he relapses that he’s started his addiction cycle. The hardest thing I had to learn was to trust my gut. My csat told me my gut was better than a polygraph, lol. I told her yes it was but I needed to learn to quit gas lighting myself. They can always access porn without our knowledge, they can hide it so easily, but they cannot hide their BEHAVIOR. They can lie, but their body can’t. Knowing he will have to take a polygraph has helped my husband be honest. Getting ready for him to take another and I know I won’t be surprised.
     
  5. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Bad language ahead !! FUCKING IDIOT . I literally can not believe the words that just came out of his mouth . It’s a “vice” now , he’s too restricted. Is mindful and is in check . He said he misspoke when he says “ it completes him “ so I said “ ok so when you lose your family you’ll feel incomplete “ he said “ I’d be incomplete either way “ I said “ like the 2 even compare “ . Second verse same as the first . I gave the laptop back said I really don’t care what you Do now .
     
  6. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    It really is heart breaking. I’m so sorry
     
  7. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I knew he was cycling in Jan/Feb I called him on it . He said “ it’s not like that for me” my gut has been destroyed by this man . But was it ? I was RIGHT in March !!!
     
  8. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Our gut is always right on. Problem is we talk ourselves out of believing it. We go with our heart or our head. One of the most difficult things for me to learn in the journey has been to 100% trust my gut. Once he could no longer gas light me, he doesn’t even try. In fact we have 6 hours for him to tell me of a relapse rather than 48 because I know instantly. When he slips it’s literally the first thing he tells me when he sees me.
     
  9. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I am a minnow in a big tsunami. I want to stop swimming . But I won’t . I am making no moves . Too tired
     
  10. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Who’s the bigger fool , him or me ?
     
  11. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    HIM
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  12. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Ya know I’m not so sure sometimes . To give love freely to someone that keeps doing this is foolish . Yes he’s a fool but I am the bigger one
     
  13. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    No, to give love freely is a gift, to trust someone that keeps doing this might be foolish, but to love is not. To risk that freely given gift ( love) over and over for a fantasy is foolish.
     
    hope4healing and kropo82 like this.
  14. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Wise words <3 I’m actually pretty intelligent IRL . Just not with this .
     
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  15. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Beautifully put. Heartbreaking.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  16. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Truly heartbreaking no doubt .
     
  17. happenstance

    happenstance Fapstronaut

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    I've known you for a very long time @Queenie%Bee from when I was here before. You're no fool. I don't for a minute think you're stupid. You're just betrayed by someone you happen to love and that's most unfortunate because if you didn't love him you could just easily walk away. What exactly is he doing to stay in active recovery? You knew something was wrong way back in Jan/Feb but didn't have proof. I agree with @Psalm27:1my light and especially this:
    I'm so sorry. I wish I had the words but I don't. After so many years of this wanting desperately for him to do what he needs to do he may just wake up one day only to find that he's run out of chips and doesn't have any more hands to play. Then he's run out of options. Then it's game over for him for us and for our relationship. I'll pray for you.
     
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  18. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    TRIGGER WARNING :
    What I want to say :
    So you want me to be ok with you
    watching 18-20+year olds GIRLS with perfect tits and ass doing things that I could be doing WITH , WANT to do with you ? Wondering if that's in your head while having mechanical vanilla sex like it was before ? I can't compete with a GIRLS in their 20s in a fantasy and I won't try.
    Now Keep that same mindset . picture me having sex with a toy to porn of perfect 25 year
    old young male bodies , perfect cock
    being all fun and adventurous then when we have vanilla sex those same visions pop in my head the whole time. Your ok with that ?? “
    Sorry if triggers. I’m just saying they never see it like we do . That scenario of ME would piss him off . He would NOT be ok with it .
     
  19. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    This minnow is turning into a shark . I’ll be going solo to a big bday party we were supposed to go to tonight . He doesn’t want to go “given the situation “ . And I’ll have to cover for him because they are close and they will wonder why . Dummy .
     
  20. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Do not cover for him. Period. That’s enabling his addiction. Let him explain why he isn’t there
     
    hope4healing likes this.

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