Crooked Crown and I’m ok With It :)

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Queenie%Bee, Sep 24, 2018.

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  1. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Quick hellos , ate dinner as a family. Dispersed . He went to the den thank the good lord . Much easier night that way . I don’t care what he’s doing. He seems to not care what I’m doing either so there’s that lol
     
  2. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Hallelujah...you go girl...you sound so empowered...right on
     
  3. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Girlllll I’m trying to practice the empowerment. To actually say the things I’m going to do is different than doing them . But I am starting to really focus on me and MY happiness. I struggle when I look to far in the future and I freeeze. Trying to focus on the day ahead of me .
    Hanging w my sis at her pool and then therapy at 3 , she’s going to add some Reiki in ;)
     
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  4. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    ? had therapy was really good for me and he came in tonight n said hi I said hi he made himself food n went to the den . So much fucking easier . Start a job Aug 19th , it’s not what I WANT pay isn’t great but it’s what I NEED . To do SOMETHING right now . $1 is bettter than no dollar
     
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  5. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

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    That's great! Great for you! Congrats
     
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  6. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I’ve never not worked through both pregnancies . Owned businesses together . This is such a weird spot for me . It’s not being held over my head or anything, it’s ME . I don’t like having to depend on anyone :(
    I put myself in a pickle of sorts
    I also hate that I feel like I OWE him something because he worked a 13 hour day , now that he , after NEVER , not once , ever in 23 years is :
    Doing his own laundry
    Making his lunch
    Cooking his own meals ( unless we are all home )
    Washing HIS dishes
    Sleeping on the couch
    Paying ALL the bills

    I feel like a leech . It’s stupid I know
     
  7. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

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    Yeah you shouldn't feel that way. You were both contributing and further more you weren't the one lying and damaging the relationship
     
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  8. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

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    Sorry didn't mean "you shouldn't feel that way" - your feelings are valid. I can relate to feeling guilt around all sorts of aspects of the dynamic. It just sucks because here we are still thinking of them, out of love, and their actions speak of a total disregard for us and our feelings :(
     
  9. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    It’s ok I understood what you meant ! My therapist was wondering what my reaction would be if in 30 days he says “ I’m paying all the bills and working 60 hours a week I don’t want to sleep in the couch anymore “

    I don’t even know what my reaction would be . The thing is is so hot upstairs both my husband and my oldest have been sleeping on the couch lol .
     
  10. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    I think you’re doing great . Just go easy on yourself...life through curveballs , so try not to be concerned about how things will or won’t turn out!
    My relationship has done a complete 1280 degree turn...that’s a 360 turn 4 times over.
    Please be good to you , take one moment and one day at a time.
    Decide what is good for you and do only that...unless there is something you want to do for someone else...
    Prayers and good wishes coming your way.
     
  11. LuxPerpetua

    LuxPerpetua Fapstronaut

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    You're so kind @Queenie%Bee Your husband has deceived you and thrown all this crap at you and you feel like you owe him something :( You don't owe him anything, its time for him to reap the bitter fruit he has sadly chosen over and over to sow. It might even be what he needs, it might help him to learn. I'm so sorry things are so hard for you :( I hope they get better soon
     
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  12. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Self doubt is a real bitch . This ebb and flow is maddening. I sat frozen today . Idle . It’s not a good space for me . My mind just races , The “ in love “ brain starts telling myself “ This isn’t so bad , it’s P once in awhile , I’m throwing 23 years away “ but THEN the logical part of my brain tells me everything that is true “ he has betrayed you , he has lied to you , he is in denial thinking he does not have this addiction anymore , he is no longer a stranger in your home , he’s “SHADOW MAN “ , like he’s there but not , present but not , his D is there but not , SHADOW MAN showed up months ago “
    Why must I love him so . Why do I have to be so kind . Why can’t he just wake up . WHY DO I THINK I COULD LIVE WITH A LIL P . We rationalize and minimize it ourselves , we see the GOOD , he’s kind , loving , a good dad , a good provider , handsome , doesn’t raise his voice ever , told me I’m beautiful every day . Holds doors , holds my hand everywhere . My marriage IS real . All that was REAL . But I ALSO have porn addiction in my marriage , with THIS comes , LYING , GASLIGHTING, STONEWALLING, DEFLECTING, MINIMIZING, JUSTIFYING. SEXUAL INTIMACY issue , EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AND MATURITY issues
    All THAT taints EVERYTHING else .
    FFS this teeter totter brain just WILL NOT STOP . Yes I know my worth , I know what I deserve . I don’t deserve the latter .
     
  13. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

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    Ugh this is me somedays. The last thing I want to have to do is throw away our lives together, and for this?! It really would be such a waste. But then I remember how bad things were right before the original DDay. And how I could see that if this recent stint had continued, we'd be headed right back to that place. It would be a gd shame to throw our family away over porn, but it would ultimately be his choice. I won't play second fiddle to it in my own marriage :(
     
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  14. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Agreed , however, I believe the choice is OURS . The choices we make to put up with what we do and for how long we do . Those are OUR choices . The only choice HE has is to be in active recovery. Then wouldn’t life just be a splendor lol
     
  15. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    And so it’s Friday night . He goes to see his mom at nursing home ( major stroke 11/16 ) Something we have done every Tuesday and Friday night for almost 3 years . I haven’t seen her in almost 2 months :(
    I asked how she was . He seemed surprised I would ask . Of course I would ask , I love her and miss her . She was very manic tonight . I’m sad . I said I was sorry he had a rough visit ( I’ve witnessed it ) . I know he probably needed a hug . THAT MY FRIENDS IS EMPATHY ( something he is very much so lacking )
    No i won’t do that . I’m detaching without love . I need to go see his mom . Alone . I haven’t because I’m so afraid i will become emotional if she brings him up a lot . Ugh
     
  16. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    ‍♀️‍♀️:emoji_confounded::emoji_confounded:I AM PROCESSING. Having nothing to do with me he’s ordered 2 books and brought the laptop to the dump . He invited me to come a long . I said I didn’t care what he did , but I went . I explained it takes 15 minutes and $159 to buy another but commended him for that first step . A lot of conversation happened over the last week . Nothing is changing in my heart , my head or our house situation. But I AM watching his feet not his lips . He is for the first time doing things on his own for himself. He asked if he could try to repair. I didn’t say yes and I didn’t say no . I said let’s leave it how things are . He tried to give me his new email password. I said NO I DONT WANT IT . I don’t want to be tempted to check . I want NOTHING to do with his recovery/self improvement. He has not come out and said he was “ addicted “ again , but was in a deep depression. I believe it was both . He suffers from anxiety and depression, is a bad food junkie now working on himself physically and mentally. Good for him . I’m continuing therapy and Sanon . He’s asking if he could have time to show me . I said I figured you’d be here through the winter anyways . The house needs work . I am still detached , I feel no romantic connection to him right now , for me that is a positive. Yes I love him . But I’m not going to spend my time loving him if that makes sense . I am putting myself and my recovery first for the first time . Every other time I had to push things along . I sought out his physical contact. I. AM. DIFFERENT.
     
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  17. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    THINGS. ARE. WEIRD.
    Since Saturday I’m having that psoriasis on my eyebrow. I think it’s WORRY /FEAR that causes it ! It’s been GONE since I found the laptop in June . I stopped worrying about what he was doing then . Now my worry is more contemplation of can I even do this . Do I even want to do this . FFS
     
  18. Kizd4AFool

    Kizd4AFool Fapstronaut

    Exactly! Which is why I've been feeling less supportive now and enacting stricter boundaries after 17 years of torture. Porn is not a chemical dependency like alcohol and drugs and they can overcome their compulsion to it by working on it but my husband chooses not to work for longer than a short time. He doesn't want to heal and meanwhile I feel like I have been hit by a bus and run over again and again. Your journal has spoken to me and I see myself at the 20+ year mark in the same place as you are which is heartbreaking. I haven't made my decisions yet...but I am numb and hate him. He has destroyed my self esteem completely. No sex in over a year at this point and I feel completely unwanted yet still have a sex drive (why do our bodies betray us?).
     
  19. Kizd4AFool

    Kizd4AFool Fapstronaut

    This spoke to me and almost made be break out into sobbing tears. So true! While I desire sex and desire the real man inside the jerk sleeping next to me he can't function (PIED/AIED) and even if he could I know without a doubt I'd be a blow up doll porn substitute. I can't remember the last time sex was even decent.

    Feeling this 100%...hate lying and can't stand it anymore. You make a very good point.
     
  20. Kizd4AFool

    Kizd4AFool Fapstronaut

    Addicts always focus on the golden threads...want them to outweigh the bad things they've done. Husband told me last night that I should remember the good times...but they are overcome with the negatives.
     
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