Crooked Crown and I’m ok With It :)

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Queenie%Bee, Sep 24, 2018.

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  1. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    You deserve better! He has made it obvious he is not willing to change. Time to protect yourself and hire a lawyer. Move on. You will be happier!
     
  2. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Love is a funny great but super effing hard to let go . I know I have to .
     
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  3. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Therapy

    Today was a good session for ME . Of course it’s things I know . Self care . Stop thinking / worrying ahead of the future . Stop worrying about HIM . Protect the finances . Don’t do things for HIM .
    Have a calm conversation about living together separated . Bills , groceries, dividing duties etc . Shut off this ginormous forgiving heart inside me .
    Don’t demand no porn in the Den . I will then worry , look for it . Just assume it’s there . Nutrition ( MUST EAT )
    Sleep ( GET SOME) yoga , gym . Meditation.
    Don’t isolate .
    STOP LOOKING AT THE GOLDEN THREADS IN MY RELATIONSHIP . Instead look at the dirty knots all tangled that are impossible to get through . This becomes easier to detach my heart I guess . I have my first SANON meeting this week. I’m going in expecting nothing but hoping for an IRL community.
    Try to reduce the amount of passive aggressive/ cockiness that I KNOW is in me and will try to come out often . Ugh more work for me ? BUT it’s work FOR ME . I’m so very tired already . I’m tired of my wet pillow . I’m tired of caring about him . Tired of caring what he wants and needs .
    I’m worthy . I’m special. I’m a fucking UNICORN ♥️♥️♥️
     
  4. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    The things he says sound so familiar. “I only lie about this, I’m not a liar “ heard that so many times.

    Going back a few years the no willingness was the same. It was like he had just given up, had the whole “what’s the point in even trying attitude” . He never used to say anything in regards to how he could possibly try and fix things or what he was willing to do. That all basically boiled down to, he had no idea how to fix things, didn’t know how to get out of the mess he’d created and the shame just kept him stuck in his own self pity and victim mode. I used to say all the time “you’re not even willing” and he’d agree, he’d just given up it’s all too hard. Constantly heard about how he feels caged up and it would be easier to just leave, but it was only because he was trying to protect his addiction, his pacifier, his comfort aid, and I was just a mere threat, something standing in his way.

    The biggest thing is had to want to do it for himself. He had to see the damage it was causing him and want to heal himself. I know my husband could not get himself into recovery until he wanted it for himself, not for me. He often says you get the benefit too of course but it has to be for him first. I think that was a turning point for him and also the finally “getting” that he’s not actually losing anything mentality but instead gaining so much more back in his own life.

    It’s such a horrible addiction. Im glad to hear your therapy session went well and the SANON community sounds like it could be a great in person support for you too.

    Edit: oh and I meant to say, we did an in house separation at one point, things were real bad, we were talking divorce, there was no time limit to it, I think it was about 4 months in the end but ironically the same thing, all of sudden starts buying himself new clothes, starts making an effort to look good, showered, smelled nice and all this shit, not at all for me, wouldn’t even talk or look in my direction....
     
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2019
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  5. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Honestly the woman in me KNOWS this is the addiction. I’m not gonna lie I HAVE gone back and forth with thoughts of trial separation etc , but the whole RI thing , the way he was able to lie over and over really actually scared me . This has nothing to do with him going to the strip club ( I mean a little, deal long time ago you don’t go I don’t go , you go , I go , equal simple as that ) it’s more to do w the lying . Same with the P , same with the M same with the laptop.

    I look at like this , was talking to my bro about it
    If I’m single , which that’s 99% where it’s headed, he asked what if the guy your interested in is into porn ? I said simply I’m not going to be “ interested “ in anyone enough to get invested . Like ok if porns everywhere and everyone watches , why bother being in a full relationship with someone addicted to it lying to you . I think In my case the damage is done . I’m pretty independent,know what I want in a partner , if I can’t get it I’ll date and have fun and enjoy my kids . I’m not going to curl up and die emotionally but I probably would if I stayed in THIS relationship THIS way . ♥️
     
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  6. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Yep, I hear ya loud and clear. I remember when we were living separately in the house, and somehow or other after 4 months we had decided to try and work things out again and it was not long after that I found the emails where he'd signed up for the "Meet up for a Fuck site" I was just shattered and mind blown. It was like WTF, after everything I've been through and now I'm finding this. He'd signed up while we'd been separated and thought he'd deleted the account and out of the blue these emails start showing up. No mention to me back then when we'd been trying to reconcile about any of it. The lying is what is really fucked up more than anything.

    And you know, yesterday when we went for a walk, after he was home from work, I was talking to him about how I only realised it was 12 months since the last D Day, and I was saying the biggest thing that swarmed over me at first after i'd just woken up was the memory of that day, and his lying. I had discovered that he was looking at porn again (well hadn't actually stopped) the day before and was just stewing on it. And I decided I wanted to talk to him about how he was going with his addiction. I wanted to see his lying in action and wanted to see how long he could keep up the charade. Well fuck me, 3 hours later he was still full blown lying and discussing how good everything was going and how he didn't even think about it anymore, never had any urges etc.... and it was then that I could really see the compulsive liar in full swing and how easy it was for him, the duper's delight smiles and true as you say it was fucking scary.... You should of seen his face and everything come crumbling down when I called him out at the end and how I knew it was all just lies and bullshit, I just wanted to see you in action.....yesterday he said, I think I needed that to really see how fucked up everything really was but yeah that was the first thing that came to mind yesterday morning, it's all the lies that destroy more than anything not what they actually look at or do.
     
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  7. suchafool10

    suchafool10 Fapstronaut

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    I’ve read your whole journal now. So many familiar things, awful things. My heart hurts for you. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
     
  8. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I have an earlier one on the SO forum that basically describe the sick n twisted . Thanks love ❤️ I just have to keep telling myself I’ll be ok and HAPPIER
     
  9. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    He got in at 8 from work . No hello , literally like I’m not here . AGAIN. I just talked about this exact thing in our convo yesterday. At least have common decency. Well KARMA is a bitch . He’s outside in the thunder and lightning cooking on the grill . It made me think how the old me would have made dinner a second time for HIM in the rain . UNICORN . Eff this guy and the mutt he rode in on . I’ve done NOTHING wrong . Idiot . I’m getting mad .
     
  10. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Wow. I started this journal at the beginning and your tone is dramatically different. I am saddened at the way “the story is going. “

    A journal filled with tough details to tackle.

    Compulsive lying. This shows up over and over in the journal.

    Why does he lie ?
    Does he trust you?
    Who does he trust ?
    Who is he protecting with his lies?
    Why does he feel threatened ?

    I see boundaries is where you are focused now and I Think he will thank you silently for that.

    By default, You are his boundary. But you do not need to be. I don’t ever think a spouse should be an accountability partner because there is a conflict is interest as long as the person identifies as an addict. His needs boundaries to function and given you are not enabling him —-you are a natural de facto boundary.

    However You are not his solution. Men do need isolation in order to stop blaming others for their challenges. Separation obviously brings this laboratory of contemplation. It’s very helpful. I know you seem to cringe at that , but maybe look at it like a hyperbaric chamber. It’s not designed for both of you. Just him.

    As far as why and how he is disconnecting— that makes perfect sense when you consider the questions I asked above.

    Addicts disconnect in order to deal with their trauma. In this sense, disconnection is their language.

    I hope this helps , but as I say to others... if you feel this advice does not fit you or your situation , please don’t hesitate to take it back to the store. Hang in there sis. I appreciated your story very much.
     
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  11. suchafool10

    suchafool10 Fapstronaut

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    Wow, this is enlightening.
     
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  12. suchafool10

    suchafool10 Fapstronaut

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    It is so frustrating when they do this. We are over here with our souls crushed by what they’ve done to us and they walk around completely disconnected, without a worry in the world. How can they say they love us and then do this? This is mental illness.
     
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  13. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Taking care of me

    Physical Today ( booked yesterday )
    It went well . I love my PC Dr . She’s been my doctor through everything. She was really sad for me . Im doing good today . Hoping I didn’t really mess up my A1C this last month . Lost 10 pounds not in the healthy way . I’ll fix that

    Scheduled my mammogram ( 1st one )

    Had an X-ray done on my collarbone/shoulder ( put off fit 6 months )

    Taking care of ME . While I have insurance lol
     
  14. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Ya that convo sucked . More of the same . Give him a time frame , he’s moving back home with his sister and going to work and get transferred to the branch there 90 min away from us . once he has a time frame . He has friends there . Figure out what’s next . It’s weird this is why we are over . I’m throwing all the good memories away . Gutted .
    He’s kinda still turning it on me . He’s not going to fight for me since I’ve made myself clear . But I’m making this decision because he has a “ vice “ he’s not addicted. He feels terrible about lying but “ it is what it is “ .
     
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2019
  15. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Went to SANON last night . It was a very helpful tool for ME . I’m in limbo at the moment it’s a very uncomfortable feeling for someone like me . I’m an organized freak lol I don’t do well with things out of my control
     
  16. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Yes this has always been me but I’m slowly learning to try not to control everything....I often remind myself of the Buddha quote “Relax - nothing is in control”.

    It’s great you found this group when you did, so you can receive the support you need and deserve x

    upload_2019-7-26_9-32-7.jpeg
     
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  17. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I feel like the Tasmanian Devil lately . But then I feel like a damned sloth .
    Or like Alice in Wonderland in a really surreal nightmare or like I’m a fucking speck . A nothing . :)
    I’m trying to just keep everything relaxed . I get 2 hour massages because it takes me at least an hour to relax my body and brain lol but I’ve always been this way this has just accelerated all of it ♥️
     
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  18. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    So I sent him an email Wed of all the thoughts in my head I had to get out . He came in last night came right to me and said he glanced at it but wants to take the time to properly read it . He’s atleast using his words. I’m not being ignored in my house .

    I got 2 job leads . One I can start ASAP would be easy not really using any of my brain ( a plus ) ONLY 30 hrs but not enough hours to sustain my house . The hours wouldn’t allow for a second job . But would allow for work life balance .
    The other job sounds pretty intense , could be so brain intense I could burn out , not sure if any work /life balance . But would be FT and better pay .
    BOTH options scare me to be honest .
     
  19. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I am going to WORK these 12 steps as a list for myself . ♥️♥️

    #1. I admit I am powerless over his sexaholism /porn addiction , that my life had/has become unmanageable.

    I AM powerless over this . I can’t CHANGE it , I can’t CONTROL it , I can’t CURE it .
    No matter what I say or do , said or did the behaviors will continue regardless. He has to be the one to want to CHANGE IT , CONTROL IT , CURE it ( I know there’s no “ cure “ . My life has / had become unmanageable. I said no to some really awesome things to protect him from being home alone . I let this addiction CONTROL AND CHANGE ME . I’m not who I once was , the joy and spark within has been dulled enough where I almost can’t see it . That is so so sad . I craved intimacy in every way possible. Initiating every time . I was a detached friend , sister , mother , but never a detached wife . THAT IS SICKENING. I did not take good care of my physical and mental health . I had spidey senses and intuition and doubt since 12/16 And brought it up gently to hear more lies . The last 6 months I COULD NOT QUIET them . So I did somewhat detach from him . With questions of “ your quiet , what’s wrong , is it because we didn’t have sex ? Your different when you don’t get endorphins, I’m not feeling sexual desire of any kind for anything “ ( he was , for MO for over a year and PMO for the last 6 months , JUST NOT ME “) I could have had a longer visit with my sick nephew in January but the pull to be home was fierce , my nephew passed 6 weeks later in March at 21 . I’m mad at myself but my life had become unmanageable. 6 weeks after he passed my stepfather got really ill and passed in April . I put the grief of losing those 2 people I LOVE in a box . I was crying myself to sleep not for THEM but for the sadness I felt washing over me due to the disconnect with my husband . THAT IS THE BIGGEST WAY MY LIFE HAD BECOME UNMANAGEABLE. I put him first .
     
  20. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    They pull us into their insanity. you did the best you could with what you knew.
     
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