Critical situation

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by PaulBaron, May 27, 2014.

  1. PaulBaron

    PaulBaron Fapstronaut

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    So I'm hurt. Deeply.
    Not using porn to comfort myself. Keeping strong. Crying like a baby. I loved her so much! It's been 4 yeas of my life! Love her still. Lost her :(

    (not wife. lover. we were in a relationship with another couple)
     
  2. Mark

    Mark Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Hi and welcome,

    Sorry to hear about your situation but with patience, honesty, and commitment you can rebuild your life. I lost my wife a year ago (different circumstances etc) and it does take time but your right not to 'comfort' yourself and this thread is well worth a read Emotions

    Wishing you all the very best.

    Keep going :)
     
  3. StarKing

    StarKing Guest

    i feel for you bro 4 years is a long time, i think nofap will help you to recover and heal.
     
  4. PaulBaron

    PaulBaron Fapstronaut

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    10x Mark & ChundaKing.
    You guys are so long recovered! Does it become easier?

    Todayws easy for me: I'm so sad, I have no urge. :(
     
  5. Mark

    Mark Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    It does get easier but you got to be persistent, patient, and positive! As Edison once observed, "Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety nine percent perspiration", and Goethe once said that, “Whatever you do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius and power and magic in it.” And always remember that (as an old Chinese Proverb tells us)'In a race of one hundred miles, ninety nine is only half way...so Keep going!!:)

    p.s. and yes you feel sad and I know how that feels as my marriage ended last year and so I 'converted' that energy into something constructive (see the Way of Harmony below) No you MUST not deny your pain, you must feel and fully experience it because its your greatest teacher so never mistake the wrapping for the gift. Are you up for the lessons life is teaching you even if it's not quite what you had 'planned'??? (life is what happens whilst your busy making other plans;)) All the best :)
     
    Last edited: May 27, 2014
  6. Mark

    Mark Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Also why not really listen to the words of these songs as they might help you to re-frame your current situation?

    Wonderful Emergency

    Joga
     
  7. PaulBaron

    PaulBaron Fapstronaut

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    I like what & how you write :)

    My pain was much worse 14 months ago when they left us (they came back after two months) for the same reason.
    I ED with her most of the time. It took me 3 years till my 1st ejaculation with her. Since our relationship was born as a recreational-sex relationship, it's very hard on her.
    This Friday I ED'd again. I came prepared more than ever. Slept well. Clean from porn for 17 days. Clean from masturbation or sex with my wife for 2 days... yet while her husband and my wife party like rabbits next to us, and she enjoys my loving (and sexual) treat... - my body doesn't react. Actually, it does, my lips red and full, my skin sensitive, my eyes lighted up - but my member doesn't join the party. Only for a while, after two hours, when she treated me in a specific magical way... it did. But then when I got up to sleep with her (she's the kind of woman who really craves penetration, unlike others who could be just licked for hours - sadly for me) it took me a while to find a rubber, and away went my erection.

    She decided it's too painfull for her.
    Last time it happend, it made me feel so defeated, I got as low as developping suicidal thoughts. I was so demeaned.
    This time its easier. Maybe because during the last year I had some orgasms with her. Maybe because in general I feel better with myself.
    Still, I lost a love. And it's not as if she doesn't love me. She does. She just doesn't except to be in our special relationship for love-only, nor for love-with-sexual-caresses... she wants it all. She suffers when I can't, knowing that with my wife I can.

    I often wonder whether NoFap could help. I fear not. 22 days now... no different urges towards my wife, or towards her (in my mind) than before. Just the plain-same-thing, only that now I don't get the porn-rush. I really hope that this will change. That my libido will get much higher. Maybe if it does, then we can be together again. (they didn't rule it out, even offered the option to concider that). But... I fear that my ED with her has to do with her being a very judgemental person. With me being too concentrated on love... Maybe I think too much (like Paul Simon :) ) Maybe the tension of being in a 3-4 hours meeting that is a "calendar booked sex" - so there's no natural build-up. I mean, most swingers are very highly-sexual people. Their stamina is like never-ending. Our lover gets erections just of being near us. And she gets all worked up from our 1st kiss.Me? even when I get the longing... even with porn (before the last 22 days)... it takes me time. I need the right mood. The right thought in my head. And I don't stay there. I gets soft, then hard again... I get into it and out of it... oooooofff! I don't get it. HOw my stamina works? Why am I this way?
    I'm waiting for the NoFap to change my reactions. Does it ever change? Is it the addiction that made me so? Or is it who I am, and the way I react to the specific lover? Will I ever be able to make love to Ruth the way I do with Shonda? ????
     
  8. Mark

    Mark Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    I honestly don't know as the whole 'swinging' scene is something I can't relate to in any way shape or form (each to their own though) I'm sure NoFap will help you to remove yourself from your usual thought patterns (which don't appear to be working for you?) and with time the whole re-booting/re-wiring process should help you one way or another?
     
  9. PaulBaron

    PaulBaron Fapstronaut

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    Well, we didn't become swingers. We became lovers with the very 1st couple we met. We all fell in love. It's polyamory. We were fidelitous to eachother. I only have been with two women. Ever.
    The thing is that with wife all works well. With lover I function poorly.
    I want to recover from porn addiction for my own sake. For reasons one shouldn't be in any kind of addiction. It consumes time. Makes me disfunctional in daily life.
    But is it porn that makes me ED with my lover?! I strongly doubt that. Hmmm... interesting. Most people can't compare. They have their wife... if they ED with her- BAM! they are impotents. I'm lucky that I have the reassurance with my wife.
    (And yes, recovering, I do function better).

    I'd like to state about polyamory, that it is REALLY not about the sex. It's the whole deal. The love. The being together.
     
  10. Mark

    Mark Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Ok, yes I've read a fair about polyamory (even bought a book or two a few years ago) as all makes sense in theory but it just wasn't for me in the end as my own life's too complicated as it is (I have three kids etc). If you are less 'familiar' with your lover than with your wife that could be one explanation as I have known men take a little longer to adapt to the different 'nuances' etc of another person. It's a very crude analogy (so apologies up-front!) but I play guitar and if I have a guitar I am very familiar with and have played for years then I can be particularly 'fluent' on it. But then if I find myself with a new equally beautiful/playable guitar it may take me a little while to adapt my playing as the fingerboard may be a little wider, the sound-hole a little smaller, the tone a little brighter, the strings a tad thicker, the neck a little longer, the waist a little thinner, the bottom considerably wider etc (all serious considerations by the way!;)) I love them both equally but they are very different in their own ways and so I have to adapt each time I 'switch' instruments. I'll get used to the newer one eventually, but just for the time being I can't quite play in 'in-tune'...

    I may be way off the mark but was worth suggesting?:)
     
  11. PaulBaron

    PaulBaron Fapstronaut

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    Mark, you couldn't be MORE "on the mark" :) (Not only because it's your (nick?) name, but because I understand you so well...
    Ruth, my ex-lover, at the beginning of our relationship, wrote us a mail (we used to communicate exclusively via mail, using accounts that belong to each couple - no private exchanges). In that mail she refers to my guitar(s + harmonica) as "my third wife", and sends me to 'her', to 'the third wife' to comfort myself because I missed her so much.
    She was way out of line - placing herself ahead of my guitars!
    And... I LOVED it.

    I composed a few songs to her/them. Actually, I wrote more songs these 4 years than during my whole life before that, all born from the longing to her.
    This relationship drew lots of creativity from me. I wrote stories, some of them made me so proud, because they had a kind of ingenuity... But all were specific, for an audience of 3 people. Some of them only Ruth (who also likes to write) could understand... metafores too complicated for the others.
    [I'm not an English native speaker, so please don't judge my capacity to write a good story by my poor language here].
    So now I have a few songs, the last one's name can be translated to: "I don't need nor ask for (permition to love you)" And I have a mailbox containing 4228 mails we sent, some of them as short a one sentence - others go a few pages... I have a whole arsenal of fictionary characters, most of them representing us, the lovers in the quartet - and a few others representing some background. I also have a bunch of pictures of them, mostly during trips they took - and a few faceless pictures of her making love to me, that our spouses took.
    I have four years of constant longing for her, of us belonging with them. Of quarrels and breakups, and her being always unsatisfied in one way or another... may it be because I explicitly expressed my love (prohibited), or because I was too blunt in an erotic story. Or because they think they got too close to us and they don't want to feel like married, or because I didn't write enough. Or too much. Or because I sent a song she misinterpreted... you get the idea - there was always something.
    Actually, right after our 2nd meetin, our first night of lust together, when it was clear we are all definitely into it, she warned us that t won't be all a bed of roses, and we should expect some drama. My wife and I looked at each other raising or brows and thinking "WTF?! - why?". Now I cannot say that Ruth didn't warn us.

    So it's been 4 days since breakup now.
    6 days since she was moaning of pleasure in my arms.
    Confused.
    Such a short time... so why do I feel I'm getting over her already?
    I came here, so this strange feeling, this "ordinarity" which I didn't feel the last four years (I felt all the time like something special is going on), won't draw me back to FAP.
    NO!!!
    NOOOOoooooo!
    Nothing is ordinary. It's all in my head. Do I feel that I am ordinary? My wife? NO!
    Do I think there won't be any more adventures in our lives? (not necessarily sexual). THERE WILL BE!
    What has the power to make my life really ordinary? Sitting hours per day like a misserable, watching porn for synthetic pleasure.

    Day 23 and counting :)
     
  12. Mark

    Mark Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    My now ex-wife said music was 'the other woman' and she was right. Now we dont even speak and I just cant be bothered playing much anymore (I still play a little but I just dont have the time now due to work and children)
    so you could say I feel like I lost them both. But even though its been painful it still feels right if that makes sense? Ive learned things from the break up that I mever would have otherwise and as I've always been hoplessly irresponsible with money etc I have been paying a very heavy price lately but im getting on top of it in a way I only could/would I have done were I on my own. Im still confused myself, and very tired, just finished 2 days of unpacking etc etc from housemove.

    I hope things work out for you.
     
  13. PaulBaron

    PaulBaron Fapstronaut

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    Be strong, Mark.
    How's the feeling in the new place? I wish you'll make a home out of it. Feel comfortable and belonging. I also wish you fill it with memories with time that passes. Friends visiting... and maybe a new family?
     
  14. William

    William Fapstronaut

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    Hi Paul, just wanted to say "outstanding!" on the run. You have not relapsed once since you started. That is great! If I say "I see guys who cannot go 26 minutes let alone 26 days" it is an exaggeration, but only a little one. Keep posting. Keep telling us how you are doing it.

    Peace.
     
  15. Mark

    Mark Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    I love it thanks. I have moved eight times in six years and I want to settle for a while! ;)) My kids also really love it as its in their favourite part of the town I live (very rural etc) and they can make as much noise as they want now (i was in a flat before which was very 'restrictive') There will be no new family for me (been there done that! ;)) and I'm fully intent on remaining single for the forseeable future (at least!!;)) which is something im more than happy with for now as im fully re-booting (and coming here has just been part of that etc)

    I hope your doing good. Keep going:)
     
  16. PaulBaron

    PaulBaron Fapstronaut

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    Hi,
    Complete refrain from any sex is not what I believe in. I actually think a healthy life shall contain lots of sex. And I do believe in some extent of diversity as you know...
    So when for technical reasons we couldn't have sex a few days, I had a relapse on the no-M-at-all for 1 month. It was more like a decission though, to postpone the month.

    I'm doing good with the no-porn, but I had a few weak moments. Had to work very late, and was so tired, and then this ad with a semi-naked girl crossed my screen, and AHMMmm... well, let's just say that I shall not look at bikiny pictures as a substitute, nor fantasize about extreme sick stories I used to read. (Everytime I mention it, the urge to read the new chapter is surprisingly overwhelming. It's like I'm strongly attracted to... a story!)

    I did stop the bikiny gazing + porn fantasizing quite rapidly, and wasn't using it in any way, just daydreaming about the story - then back to work.
    It's surprising how at some moments the reboot is easy and the feeling is almost as if 'OK, It is done' and then an hour later my whole being screams in agony 'LET ME FAP, YOU BASTARD!' - But I keep strong.
     
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2014
  17. PaulBaron

    PaulBaron Fapstronaut

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    10x all.

    Relapsing is an individual thing. I mean... one may concider something as a relapse while another may concider it strength. I prefer the positive look on my accomplishment. So if I DID peek shortly at a porn-comics, but not with the attitude of going to masturbate on it - but just as a... mmmm... dunno, I guess it was simply the internal war inside me - AND I WAN! So I won't reset the counter (anyway, it's not as if when I reach the goal I'll relapse. NO. The counter is merely an initial target to keep going after it's reached). I think it is great that I wan this battle, and closed the comics page without touching myself. As soon as I realised I'm starting to get aroused I told myself: "Paul, you cannot rewire your brain this way. Are you determined to do this? At least for 120 days?" And the answer was that I'm determined.

    So what I'm saying is that if I'll be too hard on myself - I guess I won't have the strength to keep going. I had 3-4 little peeks like this. Never on hardcore or 'real' porn. It was on girls in bikiny, on comics, and a peek at the beginnig of a new chapter in a porn story that I liked. Very twisted story. Read only two paragraphs, nothig sexualy descriptive - only part of the story itself. However, this too turned me on, and I understood on time that if I keep reading - then it's relapse. And I closed it.
    I guess you could compare what I did to a recovering alcoholist opening a bottle and smelling the liquor, then keeping strong, and closing the bottle without tasting a single drop.

    The new challange I took, to avoid any masturbation, is much harder physically. If I work very late on my computer, alone at night (I have a study = privacy) it drives me crazy. My wife has her period now so it's even harder. But then she decided to help a bit... there may be other deeds except coitus ;)
    I think it's important for me to switch from masturbation as my main sexual activity, to be a secondary.
    These days are extremely hard on me, because as you know I am polyamorous, I have the pain of a fidelitous relationship with our lovers that ended 10 days ago, and after 4 years of being madly inlove... I have a lot to reflect on. I do tend to wish for a polyamorous version of rebound sex. But I'm not alone on this boat... and my wife strongly objects the idea.
    And so I'm left with lots of questions regarding my sexuality AND relationships.
    In a strange way, it makes thigs interesting, and fills my life with a different kind of adventure... rebooting through all this separation issue.


    Today: Many thoughts about the way I love, the way I get turned on in real life, the crave I have to conquer women alongside with my unquestionable fidelity to my wife, alongside with my polyamorous tendency, and the crave I have to love and be loved by someone new.
    No thoughts at all about porn, nor need to masturbate (had some action this morning with my wife).
    Oh, but while writing here, even just mentioning that story had a micro-tingly effect. It's strange to think I'll never read how it ends, and wondring about it plays with my head badly. So I'm stopping it right now!
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2014
  18. nofappin25

    nofappin25 Fapstronaut

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    well i know for one know that if my wife was getting pounded by someone else in the same room as me i wouldn't be able to function either, i'd be too sick. maybe that bothered you subconsciously.
     

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