CowardlyLion’s Relationship Reboot Journal

Day 212
It hasn't been a terrible day today. I did a pretty poor job with a project I was working on and I felt pretty stupid about it. We did a couple of errands and my partner had a fine enough time being near me today. I did have a bit of an issue this morning. I had made a commitment to waking up at 7 am every day...I woke up at 7:10ish and then around 8 am or so I was falling asleep while sitting up. My partner wasn't really happy with that. We got dressed shortly after and began our day.

I returned the PS4 that I bought to play with my partner. I am still having trouble coming to terms with getting rid of my video games. My partner has been telling me I should still go and play, since we technically aren't together. I can tell she is actually being genuine. But I feel so guilty. She's still enjoyed me being nearby, so I'm glad about that. I'm going to keep doing my best to be a good man for her.

It snowed today, which was something my partner was worried about. Last year, I got her stuck in a bad snowstorm, and it traumatized her a bit. I promised her I wouldn't keep her out in the snow again. Once the snow started falling, I took her straight home. She appreciated that.

I also got triggered a few times today which hasn't happened in a while. I was doing my step work and I was remembering a couple of triggering events. On top of that, I was on an SAA telemeeting and a couple of jerks came on the line and started interrupting by talking about all kinds of porn. They were being incredibly disrespectful, laughing, and giving vivid descriptions. It took the moderate a little bit to kick them off. I was really angry at them. There were two men and a girl. I hate how I'm not taken seriously. I'm struggling with something so incredibly painful. I get laughed at if I go to open AA meetings...

I know I shouldn't pay attention to what people think. But this is one of the worst things that has ever happened in my life. I just wish people would be a little more considerate. I know I can't change the world though. It's stupid to even let people like that effect me.

I just triggered my depression again, thinking about my partner throwing her stuffed animal out of the window. Damn it...my life had been so wonderful since I had her in my life. I wish I never did this. I just keep praying. I am screaming internally, feeling trapped, because I know I can't change a single thing. I can change my future, but I can't get all of these horrible events out of my head. I can't make her love me the way she once did.

I feel suicidal. I feel worthless. I feel alone. I'm so emotionally unstable right now. I've been crying for no reason, out of nowhere, the past couple of days. I feel insane. I want to be strong. I keep yelling at myself for being so weak. For having such a broken mind. I keep spiraling up and down inside my head.

"This is my fault"
"Act like a man"
"Why can't I stop crying?"
"Grow the hell up"
"Kill yourself"
"You're insane"
"Snap the hell out of it"
"Be a better person"
"Work harder"
"Don't give up"
"Think about her"
"Why the hell are you so useless?"
"STOP BEING CRAZY"

I mean...if I feel this way, how the hell does my poor girl feel? She's been through this and worse. I've got to cut this out. I've got to stop the self-pity.

Tomorrow will be another day. I hope I can make God and the woman I love proud.

Edit: I’m fine this morning. It’s been a fine enough day. The night went well after I posted.

 

Day 213
Pretty good day overall. Woke up bright and early with the girlfriend (I still don't know what I should refer to her as at this point) and started the day the right way. We had a list of errands to get done, and we did them all. Went to the car repair place to patch my flat tire. Then we went to the library to pick up some books and Home Depot to return some tools I didn't need. After that I headed to Gamestop to pick up the new Pokemon game. This is very relevant, since it's part of my obsession with video games, as well as it being an incredibly childish game. My girlfriend seemed alright with me picking the game up. The problem with being an addict is the inability to act like an adult. So I kept that in mind. I picked up the game, and left it in the car. I didn't get overly excited about it or anything. I didn't bring much attention to it. After that, we headed to Walmart to pick up a few things and then we came back home.
At home, I brought the game into my room, opened it up to check out the accessory that came with it, and then put the game aside. Normally whenever I get a new game, I usually jump right on it. But I was exercising control and patience. Writing this out, it seems kind of silly...needing to have self-control when it comes to video games. I went and sat in the living room with my partner and started doing some step-work. A little while in, I noticed she was very quiet. I asked her if she was doing alright, to which she replied "yeah". I knew she absolutely was not, but I'm pretty sure it was a physical thing, not an emotional one. A little while later she asked if she could have some space, so I got up right away, no questions asked and went into my bedroom.
While I was doing my step-work in my room, she called me back into the living room and asked to be tucked in. She was very appreciative of me. She told me she was going to take a nap and that I should either nap too or try out my new game. I let her rest and went to play for a little while. I stopped to try and take a nap myself, but I couldn't fall asleep. When it was time for her to be woken up, I went and woke her, but she asked to sleep for a little while longer. I went back into my room and was going to start playing my game again, but I decided not to. I picked up my step-work and continued it until I started feeling tired myself. I fell asleep and woke up to my partner laying across my back, in a cute playful way. I took it as her wanting me to get up, but she said she wanted to cuddle and nap some more. I held her for a bit, but then we decided to get up and go get something to eat. We wanted pizza. We got pizza. It was horrible.
She was feeling a bit depressed, so I did my best to help her out of her funk. Somehow, it worked. I guess the good part about having depression your whole life is that you learn a lot of ways to cope with it. She was really appreciative and told me a lot of nice things...mostly about how much I mean to her. She fell asleep again and then I took my SAA phone-call in the other room. When that was finished, I played a little bit more of my game before returning to her area for bed (she asked me if I would sleep in the same room as her). It was about midnight when I went to sleep and she woke up at 3 am, since she had slept most of the day. She told me to get some more sleep, but she was going to start her day. She hopped in the shower and I got some more sleep. I was woken up with a kiss. A very lovely and passionate kiss. I was very happy. She told me to go back to sleep and she was sorry she kept waking me. I didn't mind.

I'm about to head out the door to go to my SA in-person meeting. Today seems to be going very well so far. I'm going to keep up my work.

 

Day 214 & Day 215
Had a pretty good couple of days. Yesterday after my SA meeting I came home to pick up my girlfriend before taking her out. I was going to take her out to one of her meetings but she decided she didn’t want to go. We ended up going out and Taking care of a few errands before getting some Taco Bell and heading back home. While out on the errands, we saw a couple who must have been going through a divorce. They came into the UPS store for a public notary about signing some papers and they were doing a lot of yelling. It reminded me of the direction my life could be in had I not chosen recovery.
At home we ate, watched some TV, took a nap, and then I enjoyed some game time. I also watched a broadway show on Netflix that I had been meaning to catch for a while.

Today we went out and did some shopping. My girl explained how appreciative she’s been of me lately and how glad she is that I’m working so hard for us. It really made me feel like a man who is worthy of her love. I went to my dads for dinner, and just got home a little while ago. I’m pretty exhausted so I’m going to head to bed, but I’m happy my momentum is continuing.

 

Day 216, Day 217, Day 218, & Day 219
I definitely remember writing a post about Monday and Tuesday, but for some reason it never posted. I can't really remember much of what I did on those days, other than a few errands. Monday I took an SA telephone call and Tuesday I was planning on going to my in-person meeting, but I ended up getting a call back from a job I applied to. They wanted me to give it a shot that night, so I went there instead. Before I left, my girl's stomach was hurting, so I put her down for a little nap. I went to work the job and it was a lot more physical that I had anticipated. I ended up running up and down about 30 flights of stairs, and my calves have been killing me since. I turned down the job, since it was a bit much for me to handle at the moment.

Yesterday was a weird day. We woke up and watched some TV together. We went out and did a few errands and then came home and ended up taking a nap. I had planned to go to my Wednesday night meeting...but we kept falling back to sleep. When we woke up, we decided to get some food and then watch a movie together. It didn't really turn out that way, but we ended up hanging out and talking. My girl realized I had been getting a little too close and comfortable with her. So I've been making an effort to pull myself back some. I did run in to a couple of pornographic images yesterday, but my girlfriend was there and knows about them. It didn't really trigger me luckily. I clicked away pretty quickly. I have been feeling sexually frustrated lately and I was thinking about what it was like to act out. I remembered the pain my acting out has caused, and played the song that I have quoted in my signature. It's a song called "Man of the Year" and it's about a man who lusts and betrays his girlfriend. It really resonates with the pain I've caused my partner. After listening to it, I went to sleep.

Today was Thanksgiving. Last year we had a pretty rough day. I tried to stay home with my girlfriend, but my mother was having a huge issue with me not going to her place. I ended up going over there, at my girlfriends regretful request, and having a talk with them. This year, I'm planning on giving her all of my holidays. My parents are going to be pissed about it, but she's more important to me and I'm an adult. She spent last Christmas completely alone, scared for her own life because she was sick and had no idea what was wrong with her...she couldn't even walk. She had to crawl to the bathroom. And I left her alone.
Addicts are horrible people. I wasn't a man. I was a coward. I never did a damn thing worthy of this woman's love. That was one of the worst days of my partner's life. And she had a pretty horrible childhood.

Today was a bit of a better day though. We spent some time together. I did something a bit insensitive this morning, but we talked about it. I made light of a poem that was in her mother's obituary...her mother died when she was very young. It wasn't my intention, but it still happened.
Have I mentioned I'm a pretty crappy person?
We talked about it though and then went out.
We looked for places that were open on Thanksgiving. We hate holidays anyway.
We went to a few stores, grabbed like $50 of awesome DVDs and went to the movie theater for the first time in our entire relationship. We saw the Wreck-it-Ralph sequel. It was pretty cute, but it made her a bit sad. A lot of internet culture and websites and things tend to trigger her a bit. A little while ago, she was feeling really sad and unsure what she wanted to do with this relationship. She was worried she was wasting her time.

I made her cry by remembering a song she had asked me to learn how to sing. Unfortunately, it just confused her more. And I understand that. She's in so much pain because of me. But I do things for her now that make her feel loved. But she also doesn't feel good enough. And she can't open up to me completely. And her medication is numbing all of her emotions. And sometimes she feels really happy. But other times she feels really ugly. And then she engages in her eating disorder.
And as I continue to improve myself, it comes at a cost to her.

I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman. But I also know that I don't even deserve to be in the same country as her, let alone the same house. I want to be married. She does too...but she's not sure if she wants to marry ME.

We have plans to wake up together around 2 am and just enjoy ourselves a bit. I'm going to head to bed now and hope that our night goes as planned. I also hope this post actually saves this time. Fingers crossed.

 

Day 220
Overall, I would count this day as a success. We woke up bright and early, at about 4 am, and things were a little bit shaky at first. I misunderstood something that my partner wanted me to do before I went to sleep the night prior, so she was disappointed and wanted to detach so I couldn't disappoint her further. We ended up temporarily patching our feelings by going 5 am Black Friday shopping. Something I've never done before. We went to a few different places and as our day went on things continued to bounce up and down. She reduced her medication that was causing more emotional blunting than she wanted in her life, so she was feeling a lot more emotions. We laughed a bit, we were happy some, and she was triggered a few times. But she didn't let the triggers ruin her. She realized she wasn't angry at the girls who triggered her, she was angry with me. And with that, she took the anger and let it go. That doesn't mean that she isn't bothered by it. But when you let go of something, you choose not to act on it. It can still affect you, but it doesn't control your actions. I was very proud that she was able to handle these moments so well. Even if she was a bit annoyed with me.
When we got home, things were still pretty alright. We enjoyed ourselves, had a bit of back-and-forth silly banter, and then I made some lunch. I made some pizza bread stick-type thing. And I was very happy that she asked to share some with me. She has still been engaging in her disordered eating behavior and idolizing very thin women...but I was really glad that she moved away from that for a little while. Then we both decided to take a nap. When we woke up, we talked for a bit and then she wanted to watch me play a game. I played for a bit, but then we started getting hungry again. She needed very salty foods in order to help her body retain water for blood volume, due to her medical diagnosis. So I got us some Chinese food. We loved it, we ate like crazy and we only hated ourselves a little bit.
The rest of the night went well. She laid down on the couch and ended up falling asleep. I was finishing some quests in the game she was watching me play earlier. Right when I started getting tired and was about to go to bed, she called to me from the other room and told me she had a nightmare. I comforted her for a bit and she expressed her gratitude for me, as well as her enjoyment of feeling emotions again. I went to bed shortly after.
I was woken up at about 3 am when she climbed into bed with me. She held on to me for a bit, before deciding she wanted to be intimate. It was very nice. Afterwards, she told me to get some more sleep and then went to get some chores done.
Today things are going well. We plan on having another nice and easy day. And I'm certain that if I do everything I need to, we will.

 

Day 221
This was some kind of day. Emotions were pretty crazy all around. We were very up and down. My partner felt very unattractive which lead her to question what she was doing with me. She worried that she was wasting her time with me. I listened to her and tried not to defend myself in any way. In the end, we decided it was best to just go out and get our errands done. I ended up missing my SA Meeting, so we just went to get all the shopping done that we needed. There were a lot of triggers outside for my partner. She ended up having a pretty flat and depressed tone for most of the day. There were times we were joking around and laughing a lot. But I hated to see the complete lack of happiness in her face. She even said "I just wish I could smile" which broke my heart.
At the end of the night I took my SAA phone-call and went to bed with a killer headache. My partner woke me up in the middle of the night but I didn't realize it was her calling me. So I went to the bathroom and then went back to bed. She said out-loud "thanks, I guess..." and I felt pretty crappy. She didn't want my help after that. I ended up going back to sleep and this morning seems to be a bit better overall.

 

Day 222, Day 223, & Day 224
We had a busy couple of days, as usual. We tend to try and numb ourselves from our pain by going out thrift shopping. It's not really the healthiest thing, but it helps when tensions are high. Sunday we hit up every thrift store we knew of. We got a bunch of nice DVDs. I watched one of my martial arts films, Romeo Must Die, with Jet Li. The opening scene had a bit of a risque scene, but it was over pretty quickly and I shouted to my girlfriend what was going on in the movie. She called back, saying "I trust your judgement" which felt pretty nice. After the movie I played a game and my girlfriend watched for a bit. We had run out to get a couple more things and my girlfriends phobia was triggered by something outside. I took her home and put her under her weighted blanket so she could calm down a bit. She ended up falling asleep.
Yesterday was a mostly stay at home kind of day. We did go out to get a plastic dresser-type things for my girlfriends clothes. It ended up being broken though. Played some more game until I had my SA phone-call. I was really tired by the time it was over. So I went to sleep.
I had a bit of trouble waking up this morning. I was up at 6 am but I was falling asleep on the couch, which is something my girlfriend definitely does not like. I ended up needing prompting to go and take a shower to rid myself of the drowsiness. We went out to return the broken dresser and get a replacement. On the way out, we ran into my mom, who was at the house to do something with the RV that she keeps here. It was a bit of a surprise to see her.
Throughout the day, my girlfriend had been discussing things that were making her feel uneasy. Such as the fact that she asked me to get a formal disclosure together before December. The other issues I was avoiding came up as well. I felt stupid. How many times do we do this song-and-dance?
Once again, I've been spending too much time playing my video games. Simply scroll up to see the amount of times I referenced that in my journal. If I want her to feel secure, I need to do the work. She never wanted me to give up my hobbies. She just wanted to know she was important to me. So, I've been acting like an idiot.

The rest of the night, after initially making this post, went much better. We talked a bit and she heard me. I took my phone-call and then went to sleep, with the intention of getting up whenever she did. She woke me up at about 4 am, came in the bedroom for a cuddle, and I was falling asleep again. She wasn't mad at me, so she let me go back to sleep for a bit. She came back in at 6 am bouncing excitedly because she had been waiting for me to wake up and wanted to play a bit of a game.

Video games aren't really our enemy...but they are something I tend to obsess over. It's a delicate balance. I redoubled a commitment; originally I was only going to allow myself to play video games if she was watching or when she was asleep if I was given direct permission to level-up in the current game we're playing. I told her that I would ONLY be playing when she was in the mood to watch. If she is asleep, there is plenty of recovery work to be done. I need to be sure I don't run away from my problems. I never used good coping mechanisms. I need to reach out to God and use Him to help me more.

 

Day 225
A bit of a rough day today. My girlfriend was really happy in the morning with me. We took a shower together and were a bit intimate. It was really nice. After the shower we each did our own research for a couple of things we wanted to buy. We ended up going out to the store to see if we could find one of the things cheap. On the way to the store I was talking about some things with my girl and I mentioned an expression that she really doesn't like, regarding getting married. It stirred up some negative feelings and we had a small disagreement. She was upset with me for a bit, but pretty much remained quiet. After the store, we went to pick up a few DVDs. There were a bunch of girls who were triggering to my girlfriend, and I knew it even if she didn't mention it. She has been looking through DVDs with young, attractive actresses so that she remind herself of what she wants to look like. I hate that she compares herself to these things, but I understand exactly why she does. She has been struggling with feeling beautiful and with feeling too fat. She was excited to have a pretzel bread from this store we usually get them from, but after she was thinking about being too fat, she threw it out of the car. We also decided to get pizza earlier in the day but when it came to actually getting it, she was a bit depressed. She ate some of it but it really made her sad. I hate that I've done these things to her self-image. I absolutely love the fact that we can both eat things that we love together. I love her no matter what size she is. But there is no way she feels that could be true. Compare the women in porn to women who are overweight...it wasn't even a fetish I had looked up when I was looking at porn. My girlfriend is perfect. Her body is perfect. Her face is beautiful. I love every single inch of her. But because of the things I have done to her and her self-esteem, she will struggle with these feelings for a very long time. The only thing she ever wanted in her entire life was to feel that she was perfect for the man she would marry. I took that away from her. She's worried she will never be able to feel like she is pretty as long as she's in this relationship. I hate this. I hate that I've done this. I hate porn. I hate sexual addiction. I hate magazines. I hate commercials and ads and models. I just want girls to be able to know they are worth more than their looks. And I want guys to start acting like girls are worth more than their looks. I'm guilty of this. And it has come back to bite me. All she ever wanted was to be loved for exactly who she was. And I was the fool who took that away from her.

 

Day 226 & Day 227
It's been a nice couple of days. My partner and I decided to have a day where we didn't leave the house yesterday. So we hung out around the house, watched some movies, played some games and did some chores. We also slept for like 12 hours. It was pretty great. I spent some of the time putting together some bible tabs on one of my bibles, which was actually very relaxing.
Today has been a bit more of the same. We spent a lot of the time sleeping. We did go out to take care of some errands and came back with a bunch more DVDs. My partner has been very affectionate these past two days, which is really great. When she's affectionate like that, it means her needs are currently being met. There have been a few moments where she hasn't felt perfect, but we're working through it together. I'm just really glad she's been wanting to spend more time with me than less time. I'm currently working on a Clarification Letter, something to give to her about my sexual addiction and the things I've done to her in this relationship. After that I'll be working on an Emotional Restitution.
I really want our lives to be back on track. It's up to me to put us in the right direction. There are a few things I still need to get done that I've been putting off. I promised her I'd work on this piece of furniture I said I was going to make. When I messed it up pretty badly I beat myself up. But I know she'll appreciate it, even if it's not perfect. I've also been resisting the urge to mention certain video game things. It's a bit tough for me, but I know they aren't important. I've been slightly obsessively thinking about the online beta for Red Dead Redemption 2. It's something I was waiting for. But honestly, it's just something I need to let go of. My world is not going to end if I don't get to play it. My world IS going to end if my girlfriend walks away from me. I know I have a problem obsessing over video games. But I know that I can live a life full of love and happiness. And I don't have to give up my hobby. I just need to be sure I'm being a responsible, consistent, in-charge man of my house first. The rest will all fall into place.

 

Day 228 & Day 229
Saturday was an incredibly long day, but it was mostly shopping. It started out with me going to my Saturday morning SA meeting. It was my current sponsors 2-year sobriety anniversary. It's always great to learn more about the people who have been in recovery longer than you. It was very humbling for me to hear him speak and to hear his struggles. He talked about how the last time he looked at porn was when his wife was on the way to the hospital. He was staying after hours at work (he works in a school) and was watching porn on the computer. When he got the call that she was headed to the hospital, he continued what he was doing. He spoke of the regret he felt later. How he wasn't there to hold her or to tell her that everything was going to be okay.
It reminded me of myself. My betrayal and the trauma it caused my partner cause her so much physical stress that it triggered her disautonomia. I put her in the hospital. I hurt her more than I have ever hurt another person. And all she ever did was love me. She just loved me more than anyone else has ever loved me. I don't deserve to be with this amazing woman. I hate everything I was. I hate it so damn much. Why the fuck can we just not be selfish for ONCE in our damn lives? Do we have to hurt everyone who loves us? Do we have to be this fucking whirlwind of destruction all the time? I love her. Why did I hurt her? How could I do that to my sweet precious girl...?

Sunday was a pretty shitty day. My girlfriend was having a rough standing-up day (again, due to the disautonomia) and so while we were in the store she decided to take one of the motorized scooter shopping carts. She doesn't particularly need it unless she's having a really bad standing day, and she really doesn't like to use them as it makes her self-conscious. It's hard being a young girl, not even 30, driving one of those things. People stare. They don't understand. While we were in one of the aisles, an old woman pulled up next to us in one of the other scooters. She said to my girlfriend; "Excuse me. I don't mean to be rude...but may I ask you? What is your disability?" to which my girlfriend replied "I'm sorry, but that's not really any of your business". The woman then tried to go on and "school" my girlfriend as to why it's important that people who don't need those things leave them for other people and some other bullshit. My girlfriend does not need to explain anything to anyone. So we excused ourselves from the conversation. The woman tried to follow us, but we just kept moving away and ignoring her.
This brought up some bad memories for my girl. Her mother was very sick at a young age. She used to have people follow her from her handicapped parking space into stores. People who would yell at her. Her mother passed away about 10 years ago, when my girl was only 18. It was one of the worst moments of her life.
She got really upset so we ended up just leaving our stuff and going home. It threw off the entire rest of the day for us. There were times when I was able to cheer her up a bit, but she still felt a little hurt every once in a while. At the end of the day, she was incredibly grateful for everything I'd done to support her throughout the day, and she was incredibly affectionate with me. I was incredibly happy. We were intimate right before bed and I went to bed feeling loves.

 

Day 230
Today started off well. Still riding on the good feelings from last night. I had only gotten a few hours of sleep, but I woke up feeling refreshed enough to start my day. I talked to my girl for a bit, and she asked me to sit near her while she was doing something on the phone. I started nodding off, which was rude to her and something I've had an issue with doing in the past. She was a little upset with me, but I apologized and got up to do a few chores. After the chores, she let me try some of my Red Dead Redemption Online beta. She knew even without me asking that I had been wanting to. She had also allowed me to try it out the night before. This is incredibly generous of her, because my obsession with video games has been harmful to our relationship at some moments in our lives. After I was done and we were getting ready to go out, I made a comment that (rightly so) got her a little frustrated. We didn't have a pleasant drive over to the store. While we were in the store, things were pretty fine. Not perfect, but fine. We left the store and went to a library to check out some of their thrift books. We got a few things and then headed towards home to stop at one more library.
The ride was pretty silent. We were both thinking about our own things. As we approached a road heading to to the other library, my girlfriend brought up some really sore spots from my days of acting out. She absolutely has the right to vent about anything that has hurt her at any time. It is my job to listen and console when necessary. However, on the ride I had been thinking a lot about how much of a shit person I had been. Things that I needed to change about myself still. So when she brought this up, I froze a bit and then immediately started feeling like crap. As it continued, I felt more and more attacked. BUT the thing is, I wasn't being attacked. I just chose to feel that way and put up my defense. If I would have listened and validated, it would have been fine. But I didn't. I bit back, quick and critically. I suggested that she increase her medication, insinuating that it would make her act less crazy.

Big. Stupid. Fucking. Idiot.

I didn't mean it...but I said it. I was angry...but I had no right to be angry. Everything she was saying was true...I was an asshole. And I just proved to her that I am STILL an asshole.
I tried to talk with her, but she threatened to get out of the car and walk home. I shut my mouth and we drove home in silence. I felt like a fucking idiot. No matter what I put this girl through, I still continue to blame shift and get defensive. Yeah...we all have bad days. But I need to reel mine back in. There's NEVER a reason to go on the attack with my partner. NEVER.

We got home about an hour ago and I took a shower before hopping on here. I've still got the rest of the day, so I'm hoping I can turn things around somehow. I feel so incredibly upset with myself. I was thinking about just how much I love her and how all I want to do is hold her and tell her everything in her life is going to be okay because I'm here to protect her. I'm supposed to be her safety. The rest of the world can be horrible, but I'm supposed to be the one good thing in the world for her.

I'm going to do my best to get my shit together and turn this day around. But I'm not going to push her.

EDIT: I pulled it all together, admitted my faults and discussed that I was being a giant baby. Time and a genuine apology helped moved things along. The rest of the night went very well. I ended up playing games late into the night with my younger brother which was really great. In the end, things turned out fine. I need to remember that this is exactly what I'm fighting for.

 

Thank you. It took me a long time to get to the point that I'm at in my recovery. Everyone is able to reach this point. All they need to do is honestly commit. It doesn't matter what they think or say. Only what they do. And they need to be honest with themselves. Because if they aren't, no one else is going to know. And it will lead them to a path of loneliness greater than any they have ever experienced before. Good luck to you. If you or your SO need any advice, feel free to reach out to me.

 

Day 231
Today was a pretty nice day. Spent some time in the morning finishing a book that I've had laying around for about 6 months that I borrowed from the library. It reminded me a lot about how men can act when they feel entitled to certain things. It was a nice reminder that I need to focus on my spouse, not myself, and happiness will be much easier to achieve. My girlfriend spent some time laying on me as I read. It was nice, even though she had a few bad feelings while we were reading. It reminded her of a few poor actions and choices I've made since being in the relationship. She wasn't terribly angry with me, so I was grateful for that.
We went to the library to print something out and return the book I finished. I also grabbed another book I had been meaning to read for a while. We headed home shortly after and spent some time together quietly. My brother asked me to come play some more with him, so I did while my girlfriend watched a movie she had been wanting to see. I wasn't really able to play with my brother because the game we were going to play together was down. Instead, my girlfriend told me to play a different game. Again, playing video games in this circumstance is actually a really good sign. If my girlfriend is enthusiastic about me playing she usually feels some security in the relationship.
After the game and her movie we got together again. We cuddled on the couch and she brought up something that was a little painful and we talked about it. She was very sweet and comforting, even though it was something that I had done in the past that hurt her. She told me she didn't want me to keep beating myself up about the past. I really felt loved in that moment. We decided to take a nap together and that when we woke up we would get some pizza.
We woke up, went to get some pizza, and then came home and ate. It was a really nice meal. After that, my brother wanted to play a bit more, so we did our own things for a while. I played until about 2 am and then went into the room where my girl was fast asleep. She woke up and we ended up goofing off for a few hours. Now it's almost 5 am and I'm ready for a good sleep. I'm incredibly grateful for everything I have in this life. I am going to be sure I work on controlling my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and actions. As long as I remain calm and thoughtful, I remain in control.

 

Yes! Glad to hear from you again. Sorry that you're still here struggling though.

 

Day 232 & Day 233
We've had a nice couple of days. We got a bunch of errands done and then did some more shopping. We had spent a lot of time together and talked about some more of the things that have bothered us. My girlfriend was struggling, feeling like she hasn't been a good partner. I reassured her that she was an amazing partner. We talked a lot about it. She feels that she is lacking in a lot of areas and wants to work harder. I encouraged her, but also let her know that she is a wonderful woman who makes the best partner I have ever known. I know she still doesn't feel perfect about herself, but I promised her I would help her as best I can in any way she needs.
Yesterday we spent a lot of time apart from one another. Not for any particular reason though. We were very happy with with one another. My girlfriend wasn't feeling very physically well so she wanted to get a lot of rest. I took my SAA phone-call and talked with my girl for a little while. I went to bed pretty early and woke up a few times throughout the night.
Something I was thinking that my partner also reminded me of is that I need to be sure I'm doing more recovery work. I do try to post here every single day, sometimes it ends up being every other day. But I am way behind on doing my step work. I need to focus on these efforts to be sure I don't get complacent. I also need to work on doing my calls more days a week if I cannot make it to an in-person meeting. I plan on going to my Saturday morning meeting tomorrow. But any other days that I don't go, I need to do my best to make it to a phone meeting. And I can spend at least 1 hour every day working on my step work. So I've got a bit I need to step up on. Keeping busy with work isn't really a bad thing though.
I applied to a few jobs yesterday so I'm going to see what happens there. I'm not sure what my stress levels might become, but I know I will always be able to work on myself and my recovery.

 

Day 234, Day 235, & Day 236
Friday ended up being a long day outside of the house. I wanted to get a lot of my chores done as well as do more of my recovery work. First, I wanted to get the oil changed in my car. We drove to Walmart to try and get it done there, but their auto center was under repairs. Then I went to park and I dinged another car. I felt really stupid. After that the day just seemed to be heading in a bad direction. My girlfriend reminded me that we could always turn it around. I did my best for the rest of the day, and the two of us decided to post-pone some of the things we had scheduled for the day. We spent some quiet time alone and then I went to bed.

Saturday I went to my morning SA meeting. On the way there we listened to a good sermon about addiction. I had a thought of being a CSAT therapist, since I knew my psych stuff and I have experience with sex addiction. It's something I'll have to think about. The meeting was a really really good meeting with a lot of discussion. It was a good reminded that I need to focus on myself and continue to work hard, doing it for myself, not for the approval of others. It may be that you don't get the congratulations or praise that you seek. This leads to resentment. It's important to remember that you can never lie to yourself. You will always hold yourself accountable. I talked to someone I really respect about putting him on my accountability software. He said I could, which was great. The rest of the day we spent doing a little shopping. We got some White Castle and ate way more that we probably should have. My girlfriend wasn't feeling so well at first, but after she seemed to be feeling a bit better. I kept getting triggered by different things throughout the shopping trip though. I've been getting slightly triggered by titles of movies that I've seen because they have a raunchy scene in them. I've been getting triggered by some manga that are a little bit risque. My girlfriend was also getting triggered as we were out. The last store we went to was the worst. I saw a bunch of things that triggered me and the girl who checked us out at the register was a huge trigger for my girl. We had a pretty crappy drive on the way home, she felt really ugly and couldn't stand the thought of being with me. I got quiet because I had gotten myself depressed through all of the trigger stuff. When we got home, the argument kind of escalated and in order for her to detach I told her I would stay in my room with my door shut so I didn't bother her. After she went to sleep, I read a book until I got tired and then went to sleep. She woke me up a few hours later. I hadn't closed my door like I promised I would. She was very upset by that (which she had the right to be, I made a promise for her sanity). We talked and things weren't perfect, but we made a compromise.

Today has been a better day, but still not a perfect day. I've been struggling a lot with inner anger. I've been resentful towards a lot of strangers. I was beating myself up pretty badly. I was passing harsh judgments on people who didn't deserve it. Through it all, my girlfriend was supporting me. She helped stopped my spiral and reminded me what it was I was working for. We went over our new Check In method, which is "C H E C K I N".
C - Clean living date (What is the sobriety date? For the loved one, how is your serenity today?)
H - How have I worked recovery today? (Step-work, exercise, scriptures, service, talking to sponsor, etc.)
E - Emotions (How do I feel today?)
C - Compliments (Share the positives I see in my partner.)
K - Knots in self (What is my own junk to own and work on?)

I - I need... (What do I need?)
N - Newsworthy blessings (Principles learned. A Hand of God moment that day.)

We went through it, each of us, and it was very nice and grounding. Our goal is to do it once every day.

After we came home I did some of my step work and now I'm taking a break to make this post here. I'm going to keep up my forward momentum and do my best to keep this day going well.
I have the desire to start working out again. I know my girlfriend would love it if I were strong enough to pick her up and carry her, which would be an added bonus. I want to go back to doing my martial arts. I'm going to try and get some equipment for home that I can as well as talk to my old Sifu and see if he can get me back into a class. Money is tight right now because I still haven't found a job but I'm going to do what it takes to improve my mind, body, and soul.

EDIT: Night ended up pretty bad in the end. Girlfriend wasn't feeling beautiful and once again I wasn't sure how to help. I ended up crying alone in my room while she cried alone in the living room. She called me out there a little while later to try and spend some time together but then realized I wasn't making anything better so she sent me back to my room. I ended up chatting with someone from a suicide hotline type thing, which helped me regulate some of my radical emotions. I'll just give tomorrow another shot.

 

Day 237
The depression has been very strong these last few days. I feel like my mental state is in a very bad place. I've been getting triggered by a lot of different things. I've discussed them with my partner and it's just unfortunate that everywhere we go there is something slightly pornographic. I think my lack of a job is really bringing me down. I tried to do a bit of exercise while I was watching some kung-fu things on Netflix. I'm probably going to have to cancel my Netflix subscription because I keep seeing things on there that are either triggering or infuriating to me. They have a new documentary on there about a very famous male porn "actor" who is known for his violence and degradation. The description of the documentary refers to him as a "legendary performer". The rage I felt when seeing that almost consumed me. I can't understand how someone so horrible and violent can be revered as a legend. There are just too many things that Netflix has been doing that I don't agree with. My girlfriend said the best way to vote is with my money. I know they won't be losing anything really if I cancel my subscription. I just wish they wouldn't promote things like that. The world is bad enough as it is with all of the porn on the internet. We don't need documentaries about violent porn-stars lives.
I took my SAA phone-call last night. It was a presentation. I really enjoy listening to the presentations, even though they can be incredibly emotional. The person last night really spiraled out of control. Sometimes the things that are said make me upset for different reasons. Sometimes I'm mad at the people for what they've done to their spouse. But I need to stop immediately with that line of thought, because I am no different than any other addict. I am no better than any other person who has hurt their partner. It doesn't matter if I didn't have a physical or emotional affair. The fact of the matter is that my partner has been betrayed. He feels the same pain I feel. Even if our actions are different. And his SO feels the same way my SO feels, to a degree. I also did a lot of my step-work yesterday, which I'm really glad about. I'm starting to make progress in it again.
I'm really stressed. I feel like there are so many things I need to get done and I just want to bury my head. I think that's a major addict behavior though. It's definitely not the way an adult acts. My girlfriend was feeling a bit upset with me last night because she hasn't been feeling secure in the relationship lately. I completely understand why. I haven't been able to communicate with her well enough. I haven't been able to listen and validate her pain. I snapped at her a few weeks ago. I really think my lack of employment is leading me to become a little stir crazy. I've been beating myself up. I've been feeling worthless.
I'm going to keep applying to jobs and see what happens. I hate that this addiction has brought me to such a pitfall in my life. It's possible to get out, of course it is. But the additional struggles in a life that could have been so much easier just frustrate me. The struggles themselves aren't what frustrate me. It's just the fact that they have to exist at all because I couldn't keep my hand off my penis. It's so damn stupid.
I need to do more spiritual reflection and bible reading. I've let myself disconnect from God a bit. I think if I get to a place of peace with God, I'll be able to take a strong step forward.

 

Day 238, Day 239, & Day 240
Tuesday and Wednesday were both full of more depression. My girlfriend really helped me, even though she wasn't really having the best time either. She's been pushing forward, doing some cleaning, getting rid of a lot of things she doesn't need or want anymore. She pushed me to keep applying for jobs. I've been taking an SAA call every night. Last night I did two in a row. I've also been doing a lot more reading. I'm still not perfect in the amount of work I've been doing. But I'm hopping back into the groove of things. We did go to the store a few times, even though I've run through most of my money. I have a tendency to want to shoplift when I'm low on cash. I've been struggling with these feelings. This hasn't been something I've engaged in before I started my sex addiction recovery. I noticed I was engaging in many other addictive behaviors. First, it was excessive shopping. Then, I added more overeating to that. When I'd run out of money, I would steal. Sometimes food, sometimes other things I didn't really need. I know this is incredibly unhealthy behavior though.
Today has been a pretty fine day. Got a call back from one of the jobs I applied to. Scheduled a training class next week. Did a little bit of exercising. Went to the store. Did a bit of reading. Finished one of the books I borrowed from the library. I started reading Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes from the beginning. I had it digitally, but I found a pristine hard copy at a thrift store. So I'm going to start it over and finish it. I talked with my Mom about not going to Christmas this year. It's important that I stay with my partner. Of course she didn't understand and got really mad at me. I don't really plan on changing my mind. I just hope I don't get kicked out of this apartment, since it's technically hers. I'm tired. I just want to be on my own, with a nice enough job to support myself and my family. Got on my SA call for the night tonight and had some people jump in to try to troll the group which was really frustrating. I feel that I can't win. But I really need a win. I'm just going to keep taking my calls. Keep talking to some people. Doing what I can.