Constantly seeking Validation

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by mrholden, Jun 16, 2019.

  1. mrholden

    mrholden Fapstronaut

    I have a major issue with validation seeking and dont know How to overcome this.

    I realized it now as I met a new girl. Since I met her I have put her on piedestal and I am just realizing How much I have Constantly tried to impress her or making her like me or validate me.

    I have tried to show off my lifestyle, I have tried to appear busy, everything all small things I Constantly do has been in order to somehow please her/impress her. The worst thing is that I do not even think I am that interested in this girl, it is all for validation seeking trying to prove that she can fall for me, I do all this and I do not even know if I truly want her But have been trying so hard to get her.

    I have constant fear that she will go to someone else even thiugh I do not want to be with her I have made it as a thing that I can only value myself if she chooses me and no one else.

    I have realized now that I have Done this in the past everytime I have met a girl Constantly trying to week her validation or impress.

    I am assuming this somehow comes from past heart breakes or girls leaving me making me try to validate myself.

    I just do not know How to stop this behaviour. I am thinking about her right now and feel anxiety, I want her to want me so I do not loose face in the eyes of others. It is not even about her, I want her to want me so that I get validation from others even more than from her.

    Just wanted to share and discuss and try to hear from people How to stop this behaviour and cycle. How did you change ? By what means ?
    Informius likes this.
  2. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    Even if you win her validation and the validation of all your friends / family, you will always need constant validation because you aren't getting that from yourself.

    People are more drawn to those that can self validate. It's less fake and self centered. It's less needy and desperate. If you have to convince people to be interested in you, then you will always need to convince them and always be walking on eggshells paranoid that you'll make a mistake and lose their validation.

    Accept that not everyone will be interested in you. Change your relationship with rejection and live a life that builds your self worth so you don't need to attain it from others.
  3. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    what elevate said, plus:

    your need for validation comes probably from not having your emotions or your presence validated when you were a child. As a child you developed a mechanism to cope with this, "hey dad, hey mom, look at me", mechanism that worked fine when you were a child, allowed you to survive; but as adult, this is creating problems in your relationships.

    You need to retrain yourself to get your own validation, as @elevate mentions. How to do it? For me it only worked when I started to do things for myself, because I want to be my best friend. That means I started to pay attention to my emotions, doing some sort of meditation, take decisions that are in my best interest and appreciate decisions I took that I currently am happy with (the car I chose, the computer I have, the camera I use, the way I re-designed the flat etc.).

    See your need for validation as a wound that you cary around with you. If it were a cut on your finger, you'd wash the wound, clean it properly, put a plaster on it, replace it after a day, check the progress and make sure in two weeks it's healed. The same I believe we need to do with our emotional wounds/needs, treat them, take care of them, otherwise they will get infected and will poison us and our relationships.
    Tom_Corsi, koolpal and 47Vision like this.
  4. Khepera

    Khepera Fapstronaut

    Look into the topic of self-compassion as the others have mentioned. YouTube is a great place to start.
  5. ssha6451

    ssha6451 Fapstronaut

    I think you need to begin with acceptance. Part of being human is to want the respect of others.
    But you also need to focus on yourself. The best way to gain validation is to look at your values.
    What is really important to you? Then base your life and make decisions around these values. That way regardless of girls, money, hardship and other challenges you can guarantee that you are true to yourself and living a fulfilled life.

    The only type of respect that counts for anything, is self respect.
    properWood likes this.

  6. I can absolutely related and the most cliché answer is that you have to be happy with yourself and comfortable in your own skin and mentality.

    Im 31 and I remember as far back as elementary school I would lie about myself because I had a poor and basic upbringing. I would about family vacations I never went on, and lie about what I was doing on the weekends and it was because I had parents who had already checked out on raising me, their last child.

    When I started to like girls in 4th/5th grade and even in middle school I would lie about myself and what I liked just to impress girls, and it was really the “findin out what that girl likes and have similar interests even if I don’t like it” so for me it was Titanic and boy bands (yes I know a LOT of BSB and *NSYNC songs by heart because of girls) because my mentality was “like what the girls like, get the girls”

    A lot of it back fired, the first girl I truly loved when I was 14 crushed me because she could sense I wasn’t being myself and was insecure and wanted her to like me that much. We did naturally have a lot in common but I was trying so very hard and faking my interests that I lost her. I had a few other girlfriends in high school based
    On our musical interest and I was sexually attracted to their goth/punk, slender builds and developing bodies but even they did not know who they were because one year it was goth/punk/emo/scene girls, then by senior year, preppy all American looks.

    One girl taught me to be myself even when I had an on and off again GF in high school because we had classes all from freshman year to our last day of senior year. She was seriously the girl next door and the kind of girl the Beatles and Elvis sing about and I knew that the first moment I saw her and always thought she was above me, but somehow because she randomly sat next to me Freshman year, we talked a bit, and then more and more as the years progressed and I changed and grew out of styles, and developed an attraction by senior year. Through out high school we talked about our BFs And GFs making fun and comparing and I never thought I had a chance with her, but the entire time I did. Pretty much she told me she liked the natural person I was becoming around her and how I would draw her sketches and show her music that she would never have found on her own like HIM, The Killers (prefame), alkaline trio. And she told me that I had a chance all the time a week before graduation but I was too late. She went to college and had a kid and I married my wonderful wife and because of her I started to accept what I like and be me (movies, music, pro wrestling, etc)

    Pretty much when you can kick it with yourself and be confident about who you are and what you like to do, that makes women attracted to you. My wife doesn’t love everything I’m into but she says “that’s what I love about you is the passion when you talk about the things you love and what you stand for”

    properWood likes this.
  7. Informius

    Informius Fapstronaut

    Thank you @elevate, @properWood and @Khepera! These are really good points I have to deal with aswell.

    And to you @mrholden, I can't give you an advice I can be sure that it will help you, as I am not sure yet if it will help me: But try to go into yourself and ask yourself why you are doing the stuff that you do. Do you like it? Do you do it for validation from others?
    And most importantly, ask yourself: "If there would be no means for me to tell others what I did, would I still do it?"

    For example going to the gym: If others will never notice a change of appearance, character or strength, would you still do it?

    But pay attention, it might be a dangerous question. I realized that I can fall into a pit, where everything becomes useless. Validation from others is not completly bad, it can give a direction and a purpose in life. So try not to be too hard with those question, but see it as an opportunity to reflect a bit.
    Khepera and properWood like this.
  8. Minsc

    Minsc Fapstronaut

    Definitely something I continue learning to overcome. Not giving a shit what others think of you helps in the short term. Long term I don't see that as a good strategy. It is said life is all about balance so some validation seems reasonable. If we reject all validation it seems logical to say that means we are completely alone. Being a huge people pleaser and not respecting ourselves is definitely an issue we should work on.

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