Consequences to prevent relapse.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by DesperateHousewife7, Apr 1, 2019.

  1. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    I’m trying to get my thoughts together to formulate an effective and realistic consequence/s for his slip-up (twice) after 7 months clean. The list I formulated after D-day explicitly stated that lying would end the relationship immediately, but relapses if disclosed honestly and timely, would be dealt with individually. But I never specified what that would look like.


    I’ve been thinking a lot about how this last 7 months went down and I realized that he’s never had to EARN the trust and forgiveness and love I’ve given him after D-Day. I completely GIFTED him that, with grace, by my own decision because I wanted my relationship to be better and it couldn’t grow without my forgiveness and willingness to move forward. So, I did just that, and I poured my love and support into him and he was doing great. Until he decided to watch porn again, twice.


    So, I’m thinking that because he doesn’t know what it’s like to have to actually earn his spot back as my husband (because I’m not interested in sharing with porn stars), and he doesn’t know what it’s like to earn trust and forgiveness based on HIS actions, because he’s always been forgiven and given mercy; He’s never had any real consequences. Perhaps this time it’s time for me to try option B and actually make him EARN it.


    So, my question is how do I do that? How have you gone about it, what worked and what hasn’t?



    Because I know that for the next AT LEAST 7 months, I’m not gonna trust him or be able to relax and enjoy my marriage. I don’t see how you could gain someone’s love and trust back, make love to them finally successfully and wonderfully for the first time in 7 goddamn years, and then so easily give it all up for porn again, knowing damn well all that will be over and you’ll be sleeping on the couch indefinitely.
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  2. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Have you looked at the idea that he may be an Intimacy Anorexic? Sometimes consequences need to be shaped differently for IAs vs. non IAs.
     
  3. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Hi desperatehousewife...yup I did the same thing...poured the love and support in to him..all the while he was a sneaky little demon behind my back.
    I’ve decided that it not up to me to gain his trust..or to be the always loving, kind supportive spouse. If he wants this relationship he’s going to have to show me in actions. He’s going to have to do the work of gaining my trust.
    1) crystal clear accountability.
    2) crystal clear honesty
    3) active participation in SA
    4) honest communication with theraphist
    I told him he has three months to embrace the program and counselling. I don’t nag, badger or remind, it’s all up to him. I’m not asking for perfection, I’m asking for progress. Our marriage is on hold, we are roommates. June 1, we will renegotiate the marriage and go on another three month assessment...with changes and additions to boundaries and consequences.
    Currently he has atttended 8 meetings, made phone calls connecting with SA members and there has been a radical shift in his behaviour. I am very proud of him. He KNOWS I’m serious in my boundaries. He is also looking forward to seeing his therapist. (2 visits so far)
    We have a 17 year history, I decided what I wanted to feel safe and secure. Then I presented it to him. If he was unwilling to participate, then I knew I would leave the relationship. Sad as that is.
    There has been years of emotional neglect and abuse. My responsibility lies in healing myself as WHY I chose to accept bad disrespectful behaviour. I need to heal me. Time will tell how this all plays out.
    Take care of you, be good to you, and trust your intuition. Prayers of support and healing are sent your way.
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  4. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks. We’ve already done all this and it worked for 7 months but now we are back to square 1.
     
  5. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Damn...that sucks...I’m stuck on what to say. So sorry. I know this isn’t an easy road AT ALL..!
     
    DesperateHousewife7 likes this.

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