Confusion

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Sasski, May 13, 2019.

  1. Sasski

    Sasski Fapstronaut

    26
    32
    13
    I have lost hope, like my heart says please don't try again, you will fail again and again, i have used to enter chatting website and do sexting like i have no another thing to relieve my deep pain other than that superficial pleasure, i feel i am one with no dignity, i feel that i must die, why just god keeping me alive all that time while i pray for killing me as soon as possible, when your dream be just beingva normal one with a normal life, not just having uncontrollable urges like an animal, deep pain, crying with voice and shouting while no ine hear you and even if someone hear you that will not help so much, neef of somebody always near you or i will get mad, being not complete with yourself, when i remember my life, i feel like I am a devil that no ine will accept and can't take empathy of friends as a prove of my acceptance as a human at all.
    Confusion and mental conflicts cannot stop in my head, and don't have a power at all, dissociated from my life, family and college, can't feel alive like I am watching a movie of people live normally around me while I can't just be like them and they will not ever understand me, they don't see the hidden darkside of me, they can't feel me.
    And even if they understand, that would nit change the reality of who i am

    I hate really all of my life, full of sadness like I can't breath from all that darkness stored within me.
    Just remembering how many times that scenario repeating itself make me feel disgusted about any positive words that i usually hear in the situations like that
     
    llortaton, CH3RRY and DekuHope like this.
  2. GaryMayor

    GaryMayor Fapstronaut

    Sasski, I know about yout activity on chatting websites, because you shared it with us, and still I respect you and I think you are a good and sensitive person. A lot of people wouldn't be ashamed by doing such things and see nothing wrong, but you can see a problem and have strength to admit it. I'm proud of you. No matter what you've done, no matter how your sexting looked like, I still respect you and nothing will change my opinion.

    I think also you can have some underlying mental issues. Most likely some kind of therapy can be beneficial for you. If you have some mental health problem, then it is perfectly normal, people have illness sometimes and can cure it. What do you think?
     
  3. Sasski

    Sasski Fapstronaut

    26
    32
    13
    I really appreciate that there is someone remember my previous post and respect me, it means so much for me.
    Yeah, i think from my observations i may have mental issues or need help because i can analyze my case but all of my conclusions and theoretical solutions haven't work practically, so mqy i need a professional look on my life, besides i have suicidal thoughts and self esteem issues. And i have already seeked a psychological help but unfortunately all available resources fore doesn't work, i hope to find another suitable chances to contact a psychotherapist, here in my place, psychotherapist have a religious background so their theraby isn't objective at all, there is online psychiatry consultation but they are so expensive which i can't afford as a student, i have tried some free online options all which i can find, but they diagnose me only and couldn't complete with me as they are not specialized in sexual problems.
     
    DekuHope likes this.
  4. DekuHope

    DekuHope Fapstronaut

    Who am I to look away and not reach my hand out to help you. I was in a deep depression myself. I felt the same as you do. All that darkness, despair, hate towards myself and all those tears. Always hoping it would end one day. You pray to be weak enough so you don't need to bear it anymore? So all this suffering comes to an end. You really want to give up. But there is one thing that doesn't let you give up... right ?

    That one little thing deep inside your heart you still need to protect from that darkness no matter what. I will help you. I won't just try to help you NO I will help you! I am not a psychologist. First of all yes you need professional help as well but that won't solve your problems it will help you self-reflect more and make you see different perspective of your inner conflicts.

    Look you are already in pain. The only way it could get worse would be more pain but that's it.
    You can't give up because that's just human... we protect and suffer more than we can bare to protect what we love no matter the odds. I promise you... you will not just be free you will feel this freedom. You will love your life and yourself. It will be more than just hard. It will be painful. You will have the urge to quit and thats okay but as long as you suffer, as long as you feel pain, are alive. Pain is like a friend. It won't lie to you. It will tell you when you are hurt. It tells you that things are not okay that way. But it also means that you didn't surrend and are still alive. Sometimes we must stop waiting for a Hero to arrive. When there is no Hero in sight. Unleash the Hero inside!
     
  5. GaryMayor

    GaryMayor Fapstronaut

    So do you have a diagnosis? Is is more like a depression or anxiety?

    If you have a problem with finding good psychoterapist, maybe you should try sexuologists? Are they available in your place? Maybe not every psychologist with religious background will be subjective?

    One thing is most certain here. You don't need to blame yourself or be ashamed, Sasski. You have a mental problem, it is a normal illnes and does not mean that you are bad person. You are a good person, worthy of respect and you need to focus on overcoming this problem.
     
    llortaton, Sasski and DekuHope like this.
  6. Sasski

    Sasski Fapstronaut

    26
    32
    13
    Your worda touches my heart, the only thing i live for is my family and my religion as we have the faith that god owns the decision of our death and life and we will never die if that wasn't our time.
    But when pain increases and already the things going worse more and more everyday so yes sometimes I think is that life worth to fight for that much

    Pains digs deeply and you know it reaches its highest level and even it increases from areas that i can't expect

    I could accept positive words in early stages but now there is a really very tiny hope stays on my heart and vanishing day after day
     
    CoolBuddy7 and DekuHope like this.
  7. Sasski

    Sasski Fapstronaut

    26
    32
    13
    Depression and dissociation of personality
    No there is no sexuologist and there is no option available to me in my place

    I will search for one but that will hurt me if i tell someone as psychiatrist or psychotherapist and then he or she makes fun of me or see me as a bad person, problems like that are so bad in my area

    I am a bad person from that t aspectat least, that is a fact which I can't ignore maybe i should accept me even if i am bad and i haven't reached that stage yet

    Thank you for accepting me
     
  8. DekuHope

    DekuHope Fapstronaut

    Keep that little hope. No matter how tiny it is. It will be always enough. I would be very grateful if you couls share your story with us. :)
     
    Sasski and CoolBuddy7 like this.
  9. GaryMayor

    GaryMayor Fapstronaut

    It's so sad that in the 21st century basic help is still not available for everyone regardless location. Are you sure that every psychologist will treat you in such horrible way? I think a professional never judges patient and never makes fun of them.

    I still don't understand what makes you a bad person. You say a lot about it, but I can't see reasons why you think about you in such way.
     
    Sasski and DekuHope like this.
  10. ophouddin22

    ophouddin22 Fapstronaut

    5
    3
    3
    Hi sasski ,

    Please do not lose hope ...because hope is only chance we have ...!!!

    Build it up slowly...focus on one small thing that you can give up easily ..and see if you can try something harder next time ..!!

    I present you with one of the Micheal Jordan quotes

    "If you're trying to achieve, there will be roadblocks. I've had them; everybody has had them. But obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it."
     
    Sasski and DekuHope like this.
  11. Sasski

    Sasski Fapstronaut

    26
    32
    13
    I have shared a previous post called compulsive sexual behavior in that forum, yes my hope now is so tiny anf i doubt if it worth to live for just a tiny hope which even i can't ensure it can work or it will be waste of time to live more, i am forced to live from a religious aspect but deeply have no desire to live more that disgusting life
     
    DekuHope likes this.
  12. Sasski

    Sasski Fapstronaut

    26
    32
    13
    I haven't tried but i know how they think here and their looks to something like that, i think i am so awful person because i am not the girl that i have expected that i was, and i am not the girl that my family expect that is me, i am doing things that is shameful for any normal person and worldwide other than porn producers, because i am zerooo in everything and can't find anything honest thing about me and about self image that people see and i thought that was me, how can i be not bad with all of that.?!, yes, i should accept myself on any state even if i am bad person
     
    FX-05 likes this.
  13. Sasski

    Sasski Fapstronaut

    26
    32
    13
    Yeah, i appreciate that, and I want to believe on what you say but there is some internal resistance to believe in that as i have hope many times but it doesn't work so i am afraid to believe that may everything will be okay and the truth prove another thing.
     
  14. DekuHope

    DekuHope Fapstronaut

    Well if I am honest. I was never religous. So that point never existed for me. I was fighting because I don't want to stop protecting that one little hope thay kept me alive. You can doubt it as much as you want but it won't change anything. Not the fact that you would rather give up. Not thw fact that you really dont want to force yourself for a another attempt to rise. Not the fact that you can't it for sure. This is it. You must accept that it is possible no matter what. Imagine it like believing in god. You do it with love and believe in it. No matter what it is at the end. You do your best not because you have an excuse that you tried but because that you really want to reach this freedom and enjoy life again. Doubting that little star in your heart won't change anything. :) Don't you worry. This time you don't need to fight alone.
     
    Sasski likes this.
  15. DekuHope

    DekuHope Fapstronaut

    You got that depression right there where you believe that any of us is who we want to be. That is such a wrong thought. Do you think I am who I expect to be ? No ans nobody does. There are some situations in life where we can show who we are. But sometimes we so mistakes and thats okay. I am not the biggest Hero or a symbol of Hope. I am a Hero for some and giving hope to them ^^ but not the biggest hero or a symbol of hope. And thats okay. Why ? Because I am changing and doing something to become that version of myself. But till then I am not that person ^^
     
    Sasski likes this.
  16. DekuHope

    DekuHope Fapstronaut

    Its okay to be afraid. I was afraid for such a long time. Sometimes I ask myself why did I nees that much time to change ^^". Well you dont want to lower your protection to fight again becausw you are scared to let that part od you get hurt that you are still protecting. Thats what I think would make sense most :)
     
    Sasski likes this.
  17. GaryMayor

    GaryMayor Fapstronaut

    You do non-widely accepted things not because you are zero - you are not. You do this, because you feel insecure, you have mental illness and it is the only way you can cope with your problems. Watching porn and being addicted to sex chat doesn't define you. It is only one part of you, don't let it overcome your whole life and personality. Remember that a lot of people have double life, even the most religious ones in every country. People who defined strict norms of behavior often go to brothels and so on. The difference is you are more sensitive and in consequence more concerned about it and they don't give a shit about their hypocrisy. I am sure you don't know all things your friends did in their life and this is okay, you shouldn't think you are the dirty girl between angels. Everybody has better and worse moments and a lot of people suffer from mental illnesses, violence and they do destructive things. Who am I to judge them? You need more self-compassion, friend.
     
    Sasski and DekuHope like this.
  18. EZBanger

    EZBanger Fapstronaut

    30
    558
    83
    Hey there. As said before , it is CRUCIAL to stop blaming yourself so harshly. Everyone in this world is bad in a way. Some are WAY worse than you and they dont blame themselves that much though.

    This cycle that you are in can be stopped once you learn to not be so harsh with yourself. I been through this. I wasnt able to improve myself because ,same ,i considered myself the biggest failure in the world. So ,to deal with that, relapse was the option.But once i learnt not to hate myself so much ,things have gotten so much better!

    You can do it . Just keep posting here whenever you feel extremely stressed or unhappy. You see ,people around here are extremely supportive.

    God has a plan for you , he has prepared a sweet life for you ahead. Just dare to believe in that and to believe in yourself! A few more steps and you ll be out!
     
    Sasski and DekuHope like this.
  19. Sasski

    Sasski Fapstronaut

    26
    32
    13
    Yes, i think you are right, i should protect myself more, i will give it another chance, but for me protecting myself is better done by suicide but i can't do because a religious aspects, but i will try to stick with my life more, this desire may be the true little star that you meant, that i still shout for help.
    You mean that is normal to not be the person i want to be, that really makes sense that i can live even with the identity that i hate.

    Yeah, so fear will complete the journey with us even we get relieved from depression?.. I want to relax and not to be afraid
     
    DekuHope likes this.
  20. Sasski

    Sasski Fapstronaut

    26
    32
    13
    Mmm, your words touched me, in Facebook posts that appreciate girls who live a clean lives, and when see how people see what i am doing in chatting makes me a bitch, someone called me a slut vefore, so i thought that saying people are not angles is like i am giving an excuse to me to do that like i am a bad person and act like a victim who can't admit her fault, so i prefered to admit that i am a bad person and i should start from there to get relieved, but you say it is a mental problem and i agree with you as i can't control it from birth. But on other sides of life i have bad parts too, i am a procrastinator and not ideal one
     

Share This Page