Confused.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by NeedingAnswers99, Nov 9, 2018.

  1. NeedingAnswers99

    NeedingAnswers99 Fapstronaut

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    Hello all,

    Brand new to this.

    My boyfriend and I met about 10 years ago in high school. Became really close about 5 years ago, and have been romantically involved for about 3 of those 5 years on and off.

    I am currently 19 weeks pregnant, and he is aiding in raising my young daughter from a previous relationship.

    About two weeks ago, he told me hes been battling a porn addiction for about 6 years on and off. I had no idea. He was always very sexual by nature, which has always been a struggle in our relationship. I feel lied to and hurt, that hes kept this secret from me for so long.

    I know all the sites and doctors say "it's not about how sexually attractive you are" and all that but I cant help but feel like I'm just not enough for him, and maybe that's why hes continued his porn addiction.

    When he told me I was so upset. Cried for hours. He looked me in the eyes and said he wanted to he the man I deserved and a good father to our children. That hed never look at it again. Well here we are two weeks later, I ask him how hes doing with it all and he tells me he looked at porn the other day.... so if I had not asked, he more than likely would not have even told me.

    So now, I feel even more hurt, lied too again, and some how I'm supposed to just accept his apology and move on.... he says sorry alot, for hurting me in various different ways so I feel numb to his apologies. He says he's sincere but I dont believe him.

    What's a girl to do?
     
  2. In the beginning don't listen to what he says he is trying to make promises without having the skills to fulfill the promise.

    Him not telling you is an issue, is he on this site? I have helped other addicts with disclosure and understanding the importance of honesty.

    This addiction has nothing to do with you, but only time will heal that wound and thought. I've been there, and to this day I have my off days and think that and I am almost two and a half years in. So I get it, and being pregnant probably doesn't help.

    You don't accept the apology and move on. You have been traumatized, and you might experience betrayal trauma from this, which most of us SO's have now. Check out my resources thread, that's a good place to start and get educated. We are all here to support and encourage you!
     
    Nate1879 and Numb like this.
  3. NeedingAnswers99

    NeedingAnswers99 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, I really appreciate it.

    He is not on this site, but I think he should be and I'm not sure how to approach giving him this tool. I just learned about it today.

    The difficult part is he doesnt see not telling me as lying. He doesnt understand how traumatic this is for me at all.
     
  4. Fair, just say that you want to support him and learn about his addiction and found this site and it's really helpful. Give him the link and see if he goes on. Everyone here is really supportive of each other.

    Omission is lying, and I think he is lying to himself when he says it's not lying. It seems he is scared to face things, which addicts usually are as things begin to come out about their addiction. And if he comes to this site he can check out my resources thread and there is stuff on Betrayal Trauma which would be great for him to learn about
     
    Committed to One likes this.
  5. Committed to One

    Committed to One Fapstronaut

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    Helping Her Heal
    By Dr. Doug Weiss has completely removed any confusion about how much pain and trauma my addiction has caused.
    The is a 5 minute video on the link above that will help your guy to understand what is going on with you if he is willing to watch it. I bought the video series and am in the process of watching it with my wife. I wish I would have seen this a long time ago. I'll be praying that he is open to it and willing to get on here and start the process of getting sober.
    Best wishes to you and I am sorry you are joining the millions of women who have been deeply wounded by the sexual addiction of their SO.
     
    cakeinacrisis likes this.
  6. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Hello young lady and welcome!
    High School Sweethearts! OK, so the first 5 years, was your relationship just an idle passing in the hallway? How would you describe those first 5 years before romantic involvement? Also, would you kindly elaborate on "...3 of those 5 years on and off..." now that you are pregnant.
    How does this previous relationship mix into the 3/5 years on and off again relationship? Is the father part of the child's life at all?
    Usually, a lack of sex becomes the tell/tale/tale sign of a struggle. How is "...very sexual... a problem in the relationship? Incidentally, the big surprise isn't such a big surprise to those of us that understand this addiction and how it manifests itself. If you've only found out recently about 6/10 years, that's more surprising than learning about 10/10 years. JSYK!

    So, I have to ask. How is it you feel so "...lied to and hurt...", yet somewhere along the way, you became sexual with another man long enough to become pregnant and bear his child? Please understand, this isn't a question of you as a matter of judgment. It is a question of you to understand the whole big picture surround your relationship with this man. Just please help me understand this dynamic.
    Nope! Not about you. His addiction has nothing to do with you. It's all about him.
    Yeah, well, that's typical. We're not surprised. Question: How did it come to pass for him to disclose to you his pornography addiction? Was it a matter of discovery on your part? Or was it a matter of disclosure on his part? What prompted him to tell you he had been addicted to pornography for the past 6 years? BTW, kudos to him for "...wanted to be the man I deserved and a good father to our children..." That is a very good positive outlook for him to start with.

    And this: "...That hed never look at it again..."? He needs to be careful of promises he cannot keep!
    "Sorry" is a board game. As my wife said to me once "You're not sorry you did it. You're just sorry you got caught". But technically, at least the way you are telling it, he didn't "lie to you" when he answered you. You asked. He answered. And his answer to you was forthright and honest. So, to be fair, let's call it a lie only when it is a lie. And yes, lying by omission is still a lie, in a committed relationship. But that's not what you're calling a lie. Make sense? I know it seems like splitting hairs, but if you said "...he perpetuated a lie because he didn't tell me within 24 hours of it happening...", then yes, I'd say that is a lie. He perpetuated a lie, but he did not lie to you. Damn, I find myself talking in circles over this.
    Boundaries & Consequences. If you want/need help with that let me know.
    All this? What she said! Please follow and heed @AnonymousAnnaXOXO's advice. It is second to none here.
    First of all, again, like I said above, in the context you presented it, If I ask you an explicit question that prompts an explicit answer and that answer is the truth, let's not call it a lie. Nonetheless, "in a committed relationship, any decision you make that has a potential influence or impact on another person warrants and demands that you have an obligation, duty, and responsibility to share that decision with them". It is an implicit accountability, that shouldn't require Boundaries & Consequences to enforce it. But for the addict, it does.
    So, moving forward, let's put it there, and he MUST disclose within 24 hours any PMO activity that occurs no matter when and how it occurs. It doesn't matter whether he understands how it is traumatic to you. It only matters that he understands that it does and process it accordingly.

    Now, how do you get him onto this site? LOL, I tell all of you who are subject to this dilemma the best approach is to present it to him in such away to make him think it is his idea. You know this man better than anyone else in the world. I'm sure you've seen women manipulate the man in their life on TV before to get them to do something they wanted them to do. I'm sure you'll figure something out. And the reason I say to do this, it is imperative that any efforts to get him to address it, he has to own it. Otherwise, he won't take it seriously and will likely just go through the motions to patronize you. That's not what you want. You want him to genuinely hold himself accountable.
    All of this is right on point.
    All of this is worth repeating!

    Boundaries & Consequences! Let's get them in place, and execute them.
     

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