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Confused/Scared at how to act towards her (Caution: Potential Trigger!!)-Tad Bit of a long post

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by OntheSurf4ce, Nov 15, 2017.

  1. OntheSurf4ce

    OntheSurf4ce Fapstronaut

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    Hi All - Currently staying strong during this most recent streak on NoFap. Feeling the benefits of no PM for close to 10 days now and feeling proud as this is my longest streak ever since my first streak of 60 days that ended about a month ago. It's been a battle getting back on track, but I feel more confident now.

    For those who have read my past posts know that I am currently engaged and getting married in May 2018. I love my Fiancee with all of my heart and she's the one I've been waiting for my entire life. Everything about her. We don't really argue at all, besides a few disagreements here and there. But one thing that we do have heated discussions about is our sex life. To be honest, when we have sex, it's absolutely fantastic, especially since I've started to see the benefits of NoFap. I'm more engaged and intimate. The main source of the argument is usually by me starting the argument out of nowhere. I don't start yelling randomly or anything. If it's been more than 6 or 7 days without sex, I start to get very agitated. I get super short and frustrated easily and act cold sometimes towards her. She usually doesn't understand why until she usually jokes and says "Let me guess, it's because we haven't had sexy time in a week?" She laughs and says "Well you know I don't always have to be the one to initiate."

    Warning - Potential Trigger!
    The thing is, all my life, I haven't ever been "Alpha" or aggressive when it comes to sex with girlfriends. My idea of initiating with her is to start kissing her on her neck, and to caress her body. Usually that doesn't always lead to sex. And I don't know why. We had an argument about that this morning because I stated that I tried to initiate with her 3 times yesterday and she didn't receive the invitation at all, and she stated "When did you try to initiate?!" I explained to her how and when, and she rebottled, "When have we ever made out and it led to sex?" She has a valid point on that, because in the beginning of our relationship we made out occasionally, but making out hasn't really ever been a part of our relationship, and I don't really mind that it's not there, because we do kiss a lot, but not hot, steamy make out sessions like we're in HS. I explained to her my idea of trying to initiate is to start to kiss and caress her and then have my hands make their way down yonder. She says while that's all well and good, that if i'm feeling horny, she has absolutely no problem with me initiating by starting to kiss her and then ripping off her pants and panties and then proceed. Now the only reason I do not do this is because a few months ago when I tried to initiate, I was, for the first time, more aggressive. I started kissing her and felt her up and touched her breasts. She got mad at me because she wasn't in the mood and then said that it was inappropriate for me to touch her there when she wasn't feeling sexy. Ever since that day, I went back to how I always tried to initiate, and to be honest, it hasn't been working. She just doesn't read the signs.

    My question is - what do I do now? Do I take her advice and try to initiate at how she suggested? I'm afraid that if i try that again, the same response will be had as the last time I tried to be more "aggressive." She has a high libido as well. Right now we have sex maybe 1-2 times a week. 2 times AT MOST. Do you think that maybe if I initiate more how she suggested, the arguments will dissipate? Right now, ever since a month or so ago on that last incident, I just automatically assume she's not in the mood, and honestly I'm probably destroying our sex life by just assuming she's not in the mood because I'm not taking her feelings into consideration? I just need some guidance and help, because I love her so much and I do not want to be the reason why these arguments start. It's almost as if I'm setting myself up for failure because she could be assuming I'm not in the mood either if I don't initiate?

    All of this is causing me stress, and when I start to stress, my urges come back and I tend to PM. Trying to keep a positive mind and work on myself.
     
    Last edited: Nov 15, 2017
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I honestly don't know.
    I hope you figure it out...
    I have a higher libido than my SO..
    I'm very pointed... And usually just ask, nicely.
    "do you think that sex after dinner makes a good desert?"
    And if she is off out by this, simply say... Well I have tried initiating and now tried asking...
    Maybe you should let me know when is a good time for you

    But be polite about it.
     
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  3. SpouseofPA

    SpouseofPA Fapstronaut

    You could try
    kissing down her stomache and gently unbuttoning her pants etc etc...... or giving her a massage and then making sure bra unhooked to massage better ;) and then kiss down her back and work to the front etc.

    this way its not so aggressive, yet it upfront like she wants
     
    Last edited: Nov 15, 2017
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  4. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    I can relate to your situation. I have a high libido and I was infuriated that my husband never initiated especially after DDay.

    I know this may sound lame to do, but for us, when we argued a lot about sex and initiation, I came up with a creative idea of how to let each other know we were open to advances. We both love coffee and we have this coffee scented candle. And because I was so destroyed by the PMO addiciton, I lost all sexual confidence, so I suggested that we light a candle if we are open to sex. So when my husband would get home, if he saw the candle lit he could either leave it lit, saying he was in the mood too, or blow it out, to let me know that he wasn't in the mood. He did the same for when he was in the mood. He also isn't "alpha" male and I wanted him to initiate by making out with me passionately and throwing me against a wall, etc. but that was very different for him. So that's where a lot of my frustration came from.

    The candle took the pressure off. It allowed us to communicate without getting angry. If I saw my husband blow out the candle I would start a conversation about his day so I could understand where he was at, that way I could understand why he wasn't in the mood and know that it wasn't about him not being attracted to me.

    So I don't know if you or your fiance would be open to the candle idea, or anything else like that, but it really helped my husband and I get over that hump in our relationship. Now we don't use the candle and we just initiate when we want, and we have also had talks about how we wanted each other to initiate, what turned us on, etc. So now I know exactly how to "seduce" my husband and he knows how to for me as well.
     
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Awesomeness
     
  6. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    @Kenzi My therapist was very amused and impressed with my creativity through out this process, she really liked that idea and said she might suggest it for other couples!
     
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  7. SpouseofPA

    SpouseofPA Fapstronaut

    OMG I LOVE THAT IDEA TOO!. thats great!
    totally may try this. thats good!
     
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  8. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    Here is something I can relate to as an SO. The kissing the neck and touching is amazing but I personally feel like I prefer to be a balanced. I want that in non sexual love not just in initiating sex.
    My husband and I read somewhere that a fun simple social que for us to draw circles (usually when I do it it’s on his chest while snuggling) on each other to let the other one know we are in the mood. Sometimes when snuggling watching TV it may take 10-15 minuets for him to realize that’s what I’m doing. If he’s unsure if I’m just lovingly touching him or drawing circles he askes me but always with a smile on his face, that’s the usual mutual response. If one isn’t in the mood, we either voice it or not respond to it and it’s mutually understood. No pressure in why not, we know to just enjoy the cuddles.

    @AnonymousAnnaXOXO
    Same concept of the candle approach
    (I had a house fire so we don’t have open flame in our house)
    Also some people use figurines. If they turn towards each other it’s on, any variation of away from each other, then the same concept!

    Another thing we do is 15 second!
    That’s every night we kiss for 15 seconds before going to sleep while in bed, sometimes it leads to more and other times it doesn’t. It’s been really beneficial for us and building intimacy.
    If it goes a really long without sex we agree to talk about it before it becomes a problem if one of us doesn’t understand why.
    I hope this helps, just simple little things we do has gone along way for us.
     
    Last edited: Nov 15, 2017
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  9. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    I’ll add what I like about the circles is it works well for spontaneous moments. Like our Anniversary dinner. We could hold hand at the table and draw a circle on the back or the others hand. No one knew but us what it meant. I’m also a spontaneous person, may not be in the mood until 20-30 min after I sit and relax and the same with him.
     
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  10. SpouseofPA

    SpouseofPA Fapstronaut

    oooo i like the point that makes too. its like a secret convo..... :)
     
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  11. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    It totally is, it can become flirty and even a little bit of mental four play too, especially on a date night with building anticipation for each other.
     
  12. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    Such great ideas in this thread!
     
  13. OntheSurf4ce

    OntheSurf4ce Fapstronaut

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    Wow! So many great responses...not sure where to begin...

    @Kenzi - That honestly wouldn't put her off at all...in fact she's done stuff like that before too...Honestly, alot of my issue is rejection...not to sound selfish at all, because I don't want to come across that way, but i've never dealt with rejection well. In the past when I've initiated and she says "not tonight honey..." I'll say okay to her, but inside I get a bit upset just because she said no. Once again, selfish, I know but I think my PMO addiction had caused this because I was so used to having dopamine release all the time that it was just normal for me so I never heard no...especially from a computer screen haha.

    @AnonymousAnnaXOXO - That is a WONDERFUL idea...i never even thought of that, like...at all! That could be something that could even spice up our life a bit more too. One of those little things that's a nice surprise. If we're both sitting there and then she gets up to light the candle, or even me? That would definitely open a whole new world for opportunity. Great idea!! You always have such great ones!


    @SpouseofPA - That is a very good idea too - i kind of do that right now as well, except without the more in depth portion of just going for the bra unhook. Still though, never hurts to try right?

    I just want to thank you all for these awesome ideas and support. This is something that I need to work on too because at the end of the day no matter how I spin it, assuming she's never in the mood is simply not fair to her either. I hate PMO so much now, because I now see the damage that it has caused not only to me, but to my relationship. Even though my SO knows about my addiction, I thought that would be enough to try and help break it, but in fact it's not. I can't be afraid of the days she says no because there will be those days.

    As of right now, it's been 9 days since we've been intimate and I miss her so much in that way. We have had a rough couple of days due to this argument. We made up this morning and everything seems to be okay. I will go the rest of the day and act normally. Maybe I will try to initiate after we get home from work and eat dinner. I need to make an effort to be more attentive to her needs too. This is a struggle, but something I'm willing and want to do.
     

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