Compulsive Sexual Behavior ***Possibly triggering text ! ***

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by FirstBorn93, May 31, 2019.

  1. FirstBorn93

    FirstBorn93 Fapstronaut

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    Hey everybody,
    I want to share my story for some advice and of course some encouragement and help.
    Forgive me if my english is not great but it's not my native language , please bear with me through this long story as a little of your time can help me a lot.
    My story involves porn addiction in the beginning so you could understand my behavior which i will explain later.
    I started watching porn when i was 9-10 years old , been hooked ever since and i am 25 years old now.
    Surprisingly i was kind of good with girls in school when it came to talking and they liked me but i was too shy to get intimate so it never amounted to anything.
    Making porn a great way for me to escape that awkwardness , thinking about it now i can understand how it made me develop even a stronger identity of a nice guy.
    As time went along i was "running away" from girls to porn and thus growing my fear/shyness of being intimiate with a girl resulting in little to almost no genuine sexual experience and no girlfriend to this day.
    I was masturbating daily , i mean every day for hours and hours and ejaculating 2-6 times a day.
    I was masturbating with my boxers on which i still do this day , it gives a lot more friction but it damages the skin of the penis , some days my penis was hurting so bad from cumming too much and masturbating that it felt like it was burning to touch it and the inside hurts but i still kept going.
    I was a virgin until the age of 18 , up until that age i had kissed 1 or 2 girls and never had any sexual experience or a girlfriend.
    And then me and a few of my friends decided to go to a prostitute , first time i went a got a blowjob with a condom on and the experience was awful but i still came.
    From there on i visited a lot of prostitues , i think about 20 female prostitues in total , all penetration of course were protected with a condom but oral wasn't.
    I was hooked , it was like a magic pill for me since i felt i can't get a girlfriend or get a girl to be with me.
    Meanwhile my porn addiction grew much stronger and led me to different genres , it had escalated to shemale porn addiction and later on to gay porn which i still watch to this day alongside straight porn.
    When porn wasn't enough on it's own and i was craving real human interaction of any sort i started roaming online sex chats , webcam sex where i was exposing my naked body and face to strangers (gay/straight/shemale) , gay/shemale hookup websites.
    At first it was just to feed my curiosity , then i started sending nude body pics and then face pics and chatting more and more which eventually led me to go to shemale prostitues and sometimes even regular shemales for free and even crossdressers and men.
    In total i think i hooked up with about 8 shemales and roughly 20 men countless times.
    Confusing me sexuality , not knowing who i really am in this blurr or porn and anonymus encounters.
    I had 2 girls i got intimate with who weren't hookers.
    I noticed that when it came to penetration with men/women/shemales i couldn't get hard to penetrate which made me doubt my sexuality and feel so embarrassed.
    Lately i've been meeting with a lot of men and getting them to suck my dick but even that is not regular , i masturbate so fast and rough that i have to fuck their throats.
    I tried nofap before and got once to a 3 months streak but it's been years and i can't do even a week since.
    My confidence is at an all time low , i love women and i know i do but with all these things it's just haunting me that i'm paralyzed when it comes to even hitting on a girl now and my friends are having sex and getting girlfriends and dont know why im always at home and not doing anything.
    I'm masturbating too much , my penis is sore a lot , i can't stop watching porn all day which i don't do anything i need to because of it.
    I've contacted 1 STD because of my gay encounters and now i'm at risk of HIV and taking Pep mediaction just in case which is the only thing that makes me not to get a grindr account and have someone suck me off again.
    It's just mayhem of porn , masturbation and anonymous encounters.
    I stopped working out , i don't cook food or do the dishes , sometimes i dont shower and im late for work just because of im horny.
    I don't know if im bisexual/gay/straight just because im willing to have sex with anyone just to cum.
    And i can't stop and im too embarrassed to share this with my friends or family.
    Thanks you all if you read this and god bless.
     
  2. Sysyphus

    Sysyphus Fapstronaut

    I'm glad you are willing to get better. I too have masturbated until it hurts, and then kept going, hooked with transsexuals and got oral sex from men just to get off. I still consider myself straight lol. Know that you are not the only one, you are not a freak, you are an addict. The rush of this compulsions takes us to dark places sometimes, but the good news is that it doesn't have to be like this forever. Be strong and commit to a better life.
     
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  3. FirstBorn93

    FirstBorn93 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for reading this long post and commenting.
    It's weird but i for some reason there's always this feeling that i am alone , that i am a freak.
    I consider myself straight as well lol , thanks for the support man!
    Have you stopped with all the encounters?
     
  4. Sysyphus

    Sysyphus Fapstronaut

    I know, and that is why I'm telling you, this self hatred and the feeling of being the worst person in the world, been there. To be disgusted and ashamed of your actions, even when nobody knows about them. And of course not being able to talk to anybody because who can you trust to tell all this embarrassing things?

    Last time got bj from a guy was more than a year ago. Last time with a trans girl this january, oral sex and intercourse. Now I'm struggling with escorts, I have been doing it very frequently this last year, and it's taking its toll on my economy. Tomorrow is one week since the last time.
     
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  5. FirstBorn93

    FirstBorn93 Fapstronaut

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    I used to spend a lot of money on escorts as well , now i had a period of few months that i was meeting guys regularly to suck me off and nothing more , but after all these encounters i started having thoughts about fucking a guy but i didn't go through with it.
    Recently got a cut from a getting a bj from a stranger and althought the risk of getting HIV is almost impossible i still received medication for possible HIV exposure so that stopped me from meeting more guys but now im so horny that i watch so much porn.
    Hope you keep the streak , it's hard as fuck i know it is...
     
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  6. Sysyphus

    Sysyphus Fapstronaut

    Yes it's hard but we can do it man. Writing here your thoughts and feelings really helps clear up your mind. I recommend you to start a journal in the logs section, it will help you identify some patterns in your thoughts and behavior, it really does help. When you come back and read what you wrote the day before it gives you a new perspective of how you were feeling back then and you may find out why.
     
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  7. ophouddin22

    ophouddin22 Fapstronaut

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    Hi FirstBorn93,

    The thing I infer from your post is that ..
    You have hit rock bottom ..only way is to go up..!! My suggestion is ..to start small ..as small as you can ...ex: start with 5 minute walk and increase it as you get used to it ...!!!

    Take a break and stop thinking about too many things ...just focus on only one thing ..try and do it ...!!!

    One positive thing I have observed is that the age is on your side ...so it is not too late you can correct yourself and be normal ...and get as many girls as you like ..like your friends ...!! ALL THE BEST !!!
     
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  8. Hi FirstBorn,

    read your story, yep intense, can relate to it a lot. I joined NoFap 2 days ago. I‘m glad I did as I have no one I know I can trust and to talk about all I got myself into.
    Tried a shrink last year, felt how good it is to speak things out, not to oneself but actually to another human being. After 4 sessions I quit. Felt he was not up to speed with all I was talking about ...
    Good you are here. It‘s a start not a miracle. Give yourself time, proceed in small steps, don‘t try to accomplish too much at once. You cannot dive hundreds of meters into your psyche in 10 minutes. 3 steps forward, 1 back, 4 forward maybe 2 back ... that‘s how it was and is for me. I realized that relapsing at some stages of the process is part of the healing, then reset, then hopefully peace one day. Just be careful you don‘t make it a strategy and use it as an excuse and consequently lose yourself completely in this swamp of ecstatic escape. I am not giving you advice, too fragile here myself. All I know is that real change is going to hurt and be painful. Face that pain, look it in the face, show it its place. Don‘t let it govern your live and dictate your behavior. Instead of beating the meat, beat your fears. And if you fall start afresh, never ceasing in believing in your good intentions, WHY you want to get your life back, master your mind. Be patient, persistent, keep your why in mind.

    Looking forward to read your success story soon I hope, stay tuned.
     
  9. FirstBorn93

    FirstBorn93 Fapstronaut

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    I know i can , i did it once for 3 months and i felt so good and clear minded.
    I was meditating , working out like a beast , accomplishing and learning so many things and it was crazy how much i got done in 3 months of intensive and uninterrupted work.
    I'll be back at it again full force , this time the goal isn't 3 months but an entire liftime.

    You are right , i am thinking too much and doing too little.
    Thank you , wish you the best as well!

    I actually thought about getting a shrink as well just for conversations , but after reading what you wrote it seems to me that no one can really understand and solve this issue as this is an internal issue and something that must be done within one's self to solve.
    Thank you for the comment , i really appreciate it and stay strong brother!
     
  10. Sysyphus

    Sysyphus Fapstronaut

    I don't mean to lessen the work of a shrink. But in the particular case of addictions, I really think than only another addict can actually get what one has to go through. Not to mention regular people, they see the whole picture as way too easy.

    I've had to fight with other addictions in the past (luckily it wasn't too late when I came to my senses, but I had a rough patch) and in my experiece, people tend to minimize the power of addiction.
     
  11. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    It seems that you escalated to shemales or even men because you were not able to have normal relationships with women. It sometimes happens for porn addicts.
     
  12. User number one

    User number one Fapstronaut

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    Hey man thanks for sharing. I can relate to a lot of what you said. Porn, escorts, men, escorts, married women, I go back and forth around and around.

    I primarily like girls - I think everything else is the addiction- how can I get a better high. I was a drug user /alcoholic and progressed the same way. The porn/sex thing is just another way of getting high.

    This site is great though. I did very well for about a year by checking in daily on this site. I think the only thing it lacks is real world interaction

    Best of luck and know you aren’t alone
     
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  13. llortaton

    llortaton Fapstronaut

    I was going to say "You shouldn't do that, you'll likely get an STD."
    But, I spoke too soon.

    What STD, do you have, brother?

    I also think you need to speak with a mentor.
     
  14. FirstBorn93

    FirstBorn93 Fapstronaut

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    I agree with every word you said.

    Seems the same to me , the issue is it keeps going as long as i don't quit porn.

    Thank you , hope you succeed as well!

    I had chlamydia years ago , recently i had a bj from an anonymous person and got a cut on my penis which theoratically has a very small risk of HIV exposure even though no such case has been ever recorded in medical history.
    But it freaked me the fuck out and it's a slap in the face in some way to wake up and realise what im doing.
     
    User number one likes this.
  15. User number one

    User number one Fapstronaut

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    Good luck bro keep working at it
     
  16. llortaton

    llortaton Fapstronaut

    Holy! :eek:
     

  17. Same here. Porn. Escorts. “Donations”. Phonesex. Women. Men. Chatrooms. Voiceapps. Kik. Cybersex. Married women. Married men. It’s like if one was available something else or someone else always would be. I have hurt a lot of people emotionally in the past year because of my sexual behavior trying to reason and justify “they know I am married...” “it’s just doing this....it’s just doing that...I don’t consider that cheating....”

    @FirstBorn93 you can be free, you just need a hard reboot, and to be productive, what you would do when the urge hit, channel it into working out, reading a book, taking a walk, small steps.
     
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  18. FirstBorn93

    FirstBorn93 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you , i know i can do it because i had a 90 day streak once and i was so productive it was unbelievable!
    Now im back to working out and im trying to quit masturbating and porn but it just keeps coming back , i finish workout and then i masturbate lol.
     
  19. wa7edkda

    wa7edkda New Fapstronaut

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    Well I don't have a full plan that is supposed to solve your issues, But let me tell you this. When someone is like swimming, then the sea go crazy.. or like if someone for any reason is getting attacked by a bunch of people .. in these cases it would be really dumb to try to sit and think. There is only one thing to be done: running away!

    You're kinda in a similar situation now, with everything getting out of control, not just your actions, but also your thoughts. You need to do some big change in your life, then look at everything from another perspective, and reshape your lifestyle.

    Like, travel or go live in a new city, change college, school or whatever, go live with a relative family somewhere for sometime. These are things in terms of place. There are also other things like, look up religions, try to think about what is all this world is about, meet some people who are not internet horny weirdos, people that can make you look forward to be someone better. And the list is long.

    Just try to change the setting of your story, and of course, make sure that the new setting is not just another room where you're alone doing the same things. Living in a new, different, healthier environment, even temporarily, is all what I'm suggesting.

    After doing that you'll have a break to take a breath, think, and see how you can fix your life. It's not just about the sex related stuff, it can change everything.
     
  20. TColes098

    TColes098 Fapstronaut

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    This is my Thought for the Day.
     
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