Completely lost....

Welcome to the forum. Sounds like this guy has a history of bad behavior. I'm not sure if the root of his problems are with porn, womanizing, or disloyality. I think if you continue to be with this man then you need to establish expectations, boundaries, and consequences for bad behavior. Withhold trust until he has shown himself worth of trust. Have an escape plan ready.

People of all sorts have been able to change, but they must be ready to change and go after it with their whole being. Words and promises do not guarantee change. A person needs to show by concrete, visible actions that they are taking steps to get better. The person himself needs to take primary responsibility for their recovery. Part of that recovery involves communicating with their SO about what kinds of support they need. Just remember that you are not his policeman, priest, or therapist. That is not your role. He needs to see a professional for those kinds of problems otherwise he will blame you for letting him down. You do not need that kind of guilt or responsibility placed upon you.

 

It's wise not to trust the promises of an addict. For years we have done and said things simply to continue our behavior. Trust takes a LONG time to return. It happens only after you feel emotionally safe with someone. There is always the risk of an addict burying his behavior under more layers of secrecy. But now that you are on to his secretive behavior it should be easier to spot if he's return to those things. You may not have direct evidence but you can see him withdraw, isolate himself, show erratic behavior, or refuse to communicate.

Everyone's recovery looks different. Some people show progress right away. Some people need to process a lot of emotional crap before they can heal. Some people fall on their face and need to learn things the hard way. Some people can be clean and making progress and yet still be angry and irritable. As long as they are being open and honest and not blaming anyone else for their problems then they may merit a more time and mercy.

How much patience and forgiveness you should extend is up to you. My wife waited many years for me to come around. Some don't want to wait that long. You should not feel guilty for any decision you make. HE made the mistakes and there are consequences he may have to face... so there is really no wrong answer for how long or how many chances you give him. None of us are deserving of a second chance. It is only by our SO's undeserved kindness do we get one. You are not obligated to give any, but he certainly should be grateful for what ever support, time, or forgiveness you choose to extend.