Completely confused...

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Iasca2, Feb 4, 2019.

  1. Iasca2

    Iasca2 New Fapstronaut

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    So, my story starts like most others however my husband didn’t show any signs of not wanting me. First a little back story. We have been married for 15 years and we had over the years watched porn together, explored fetishes and been pretty open about what we like and want. And in no way did our sex life struggle. Where most couples have “monthly” sex, we have always had a 4 to 5 times a week sex schedule. This was normal for us. In the last 2 years I have traveled a lot for work. Not usually gone more than a couple days a month. I n the beginning of Last year, I became a little suspicious about what he was doing because when I was not in the room he would be on his tablet and then hide it quick when I came into the room. So 1 morning after he left for work, I opened it up and looked at his browser history... and BAM, like being hit with a ton of bricks. He was on numerous webcam sites. Now my husband has a thing for redheads (and I’m not one). So I wrote down these sites he was going to and wasn’t hard to figure it his password. Shocked, angered, heartbroken emotions took over. I pulled up one and went to his account, they keep chat archives and private room conversations. It had been going on for months and he was chatting with these girls, telling them to do this and do that. Then I saw this token thing kept coming up. So I went to token history, where I saw purchases of hundreds of tokens and where he had passed them out to these girls for private shows. It showed daily activity for hours at a time. I confronted him and he explained he didn’t know why he did it but it was just for attention. I couldn’t understand because I give him tons of attention everyday. He said that my traveling for work made him lonely. Well, we got in a big fight. He promised not to anymore and I also eased my traveling at work. So the past year I barely traveled at all. Tried to be more attentive and loving. And things seemed ok but of course I still couldn’t trust that he had given it up. A few months ago I decided to check in on his tablet, and same sites came up, but the old username and password had only the old stuff. Well the great thing about browsers is that it holds past usernames. So guess what, to hide it further he just created new usernames. And of course more purchases and chats with women. So, confronted him again where he said he has a problem and can’t help it. That he was working on trying to get help and had been looking at help sites and etc. I sent him information on NoFap and the forum. He says he has been reading posts here. So, fast forward to today. I’m feeling the dishonesty rushing back in. He put a password lock on his tablet. So my thoughts are... to keep his dirty little secrets hidden and to keep me from finding out. So why still hiding if you are getting help. Or trying to get help? I just don’t understand why in the first place. We have a good marriage, thriving sex life. We try new things and go on dates. He tells me he loves me all the time. Tells me I am beautiful, things I wear tells me I’m sexy. All this but yet he needs to talk and give our money to these girls. Why?
     
  2. Marskell

    Marskell Fapstronaut

    Hi Iasca2,

    This sounds really difficult for you, I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I also won't pretend to know exactly what you're going through, just provide some uninformed opinion.

    Often this kind of behaviour is a symptom of something else. Your husband has a problem. You know about it. Now he's resorting to deception to try and keep this from you. First of all, try to remember that you are a team working against this problem. Be careful of casting yourself as the accountability person for him, the scold, the nag, etc. Secondly, deceptive tactics suggests he's protecting this behaviour because it's an addiction.

    When he tells you he loves you, you're beautiful, and sexy, these are all true. He is not lying. He just also happens to be addicted to the feeling that camgirls give him. It's difficult because his behaviours can create anger, distrust, and distance right now, but I would argue, now is when you need to be the most patient, gracious, calm, and supportive to allow him to address this problem. I would strongly suggest exploring the "Why" of his problem in marriage counselling.

    Best of luck and many hugs.

    P.S. Also, I like Esther Perel, she's a fantastic marriage counsellor. I can't post the link, but check out "Why happy people cheat", a news article with Esther Perel.
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2019
    Iasca2 and Mordobarn like this.
  3. Mordobarn

    Mordobarn Fapstronaut

    Because he's addicted.
    Those are excuses. They are not valid reasons. If they were valid reasons, everyone would purchase webcam porn when lonely and needing attention.

    He does it because he's addicted, and he's addicted because he doesn't know how to deal with his emotions in a mature way. He's using the addiction to numb his feelings instead of addressing his feelings head on.

    The good news is that he is still communicating with you, still treats you well.
    The bad news is that he's so badly addicted, he spends money on porn.
    The worse news is that he's getting worse. He's lying to you now.

    Unfortunately, porn does this — it is like any other drug, because it grows.
    And grows…
    And grows even more.
    It never stops growing.

    It will not end until your husband decides to stop it.
    It has to be his decision.
    You can't make him do it.
    You can show him NoFap, but until he decides to stop, it will only worsen.

    If your husband starts to blame you for his actions, or starts to treat you badly, that will be a sign that there is no hope and you need to think of breaking off the relationship.

    At the moment, there is hope. But only if your husband agrees to get help; stops lying; and commits to recovery.

    Unfortunately, you have two choices.
    Either you leave (or tell him to leave);
    or you take the unpleasant but vital step of drawing boundaries.

    If you want to know about boundaries & consequences, take a look at one of the many posts by @GhostWriter , who describes it well.

    I wish you well through this pain.
     
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  4. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Welcome @Iasca2,

    Glad you're here, but not if you know what I mean.
    This is just a characteristic of your situation. All are different, yet the same.
    Yeah, I'll come back to this a little later.
    OK, so far so good...
    Well, there's RED FLAG #1: Hiding Online Activities.
    Yeah, remember where I said above "...I'll come back to this a little later..."? Yeah, I'll come back to this a little later too.
    And now that's an issue? Was this a blow to your self-esteem? Just outta curiosity, what was he looking at when the two of you were actively watching porn together?
    Yeah, I'd say you have an addiction on your hands.
    "Attention is just an excuse". He's addicted based in large part of what you've revealed thus far.
    Unsurprising.
    He shouldn't make promises he can't keep.
    Let me guess. You discovered that "attentive and loving" really wasn't the fix.
    Well, aren't you just the savvy one. As long as trust is an issue, you will find yourself forever doing this type of thing; snooping and spying for evidence. And that's normal. Don't feel the least bit guilty about doing this.
    DDay, round 2: Remember that promise? Fruitless! Now your trust has gone from bad to worse. It's why I said "...he shouldn't make promises he can't keep...".
    Because he's addicted.
    Specifically where? I'm talking about before you did this...
    ...
    And? What did he get out of "...reading posts here..."?
    NOPE! Unacceptable. I'll address that in a moment too. Uh, this would be RED FLAG #2: Locked Access to Electronic Devices.
    BINGO!
    Because that's what his addicted brain is telling him to do so as to protect his addiction. He doesn't realize that is what his brain is doing, but it is.
    If you did, I mean really, you wouldn't have a need to be here. And neither would he. Don't kid yourself about having "...a good marriage..." Any marriage that has addiction embedded in it is short of "...a good marriage...'
    "...new things..." like what?
    I'm sure he does. Believe this to be true because it is true.
    Again, because he is addicted.

    So, remember where I said I'd come back to this? You watched porn together over the years. Why would he believe for a moment it was a problem if you and him watched it together for years? Unbeknownst to you, all along, you were contributing to his addiction. The difference in you, if you're not actively watching it, is you somehow managed to do so without becoming addicted to it. He cannot process being alone, and that has triggered his necessity to seek it from webcam girls. He probably doesn't even understand why you are so upset about it because you were OK with him looking at pixels on the screen. And to be fair, there is little difference in pixels on the screen and webcam girls, as they are pixels on the screen. The webcam girls are interactive. Anyway, enough of this explanation unless you care to dive into it further. I do want to make this one thing clear though. While you may have been a contributor to his addiction as an enabler, and most women unknowingly do this, this IS NOT your fault. I repeat, this is NOT your fault. So make sure you understand this and get that out of your head.
    1. Don't do any of this for him. He has to do it. Don't go research stuff unless he explicitly asks you to do so. He must own it. I'm serious, don't do it.
    2. Don't suggest he buy this book. Go order it, place it on the night stand next to where he goes to sleep, and write inside the front cover "With Love, Becky (if that's your name)".
      "Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction" by Dr. Patrick Carnes
      https://www.amazon.com/Out-Shadows-...-1&keywords=out+of+the+shadows+patrick+carnes'
      Dr. Carnes is the world's foremost expert on this addiction.
    3. Create and execute Boundaries & Consequences. If you need help with this, I have excellent resources for it
    4. I would encourage him, not to be confused with demand, to make an appointment and go visit a CSAT. It is incumbent upon him to lay all of the cards out on the table and tell him EVERYTHING, else the visit will be useless and money wasted.
    5. He did the first step whether you see it or not. He said "...I can't help it..." which, if translated, means "I admit I have a problem that I cannot control. I'd liked for him to have said that specifically, but we are at least walking in the same direction.
    Start here. Ask questions. Get answers. And let's see what we can do to help you navigate your way through this.
     
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  5. Iasca2

    Iasca2 New Fapstronaut

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    So to clarify, watching porn together with your spouse I see no issue in. And if he watches porn without me, which again is not really a big deal to me because when I say we try new things we would try things im sure he has seen on porn video and we enjoy it. my husband and I actually do have a fantastic marriage. Thriving sex life too. We have always and continue to try new kinks and enjoy each other. Which is why it makes it hard to understand. Logic would say something should suffer.. But in our case. I can't figure out what it is.

    As far as the redheads.. It never became an issue til I noticed that the webcam girls he was chatting with were mostly redheads. Not a big deal so probably a mute point that I mentioned it.

    I must argue that I believe there is a huge difference between porn and webcam addiction. Webcam is completely interactive to the point of giving tokens to control their toys hence their reactions and basically without the actual physical part you are having sexual actions with these girls. Porn is a movie with sexual acts. Completely different. no interaction. You don't control when the girl orgasms. Where are a webcam girl... The more you tip the closer she gets and more she does for you.

    We have talked and he admits fully he needs help. He is looked at other forms for porn addiction. And is making an effort. I love my husband more than anything. And I do believe he completely loves me. He is just addicted. And needs help.
     
  6. de severn

    de severn Fapstronaut

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    I’m sure plenty of couples watch porn without it being a huge problem but I’m almost certain that the addict in him is bored of the routine with you. Porn addicts need new stimulus and variety in order for it to be arousing. Why do the ho hum porn with the wife ritual when being secretive and philandering with camgirls is more thrilling and novel? It’s porn escalation.
     

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