Hi all, Thanks for reading my first journal post. I'm a 48 year old male. I was born in India and raised in an orthodox Hindu family. I had a good attitude towards girls when I was very young- in middle school- and got along very well with them. This, however was very non-conformist behavior in my peer group at school and I got teased about it so much that after that I pretty much went into a shell when it came to girls. At home at least I had my sister whom I was close to and could talk to, and although I won't say that my family had/has a healthy approach to sexuality, at least we didn't see boy-girl interactions as weird. I started masturbating sometime around 15 or 16, and in those days luckily for us there was no internet porn. The stimulation was from magazines (not even porn magazines, but images from newsmagazines), comics or a racy pic in a newspaper, sometimes seeing a hottie down the street that would turn me on. Being endowed with a tremendous sex drive I wasted my energy considerably. Luckily it didn't affect too much of my academic performance although it might have contributed to my mild depression. College was even worse because the technical institute I went to had very few women and the guys around treated girls only as sex objects (they'd never got any of course!) and porn magazines were freely available and it as accepted as normal to masturbate. Only a few guys I knew abstained. Sometimes they screened porn movies in the common room and I was always conflicted about the objectification of women as sex objects even if I still loved the sensation of ejaculation. My attempts to try and date were pretty disastrous although I fell in love with one girl and we kept in touch but I got rejected eventually. Pattern: Rejection by women always sent me into a spiral with PMO. It was to become a defense mechanism. I moved to the US 27 years ago for grad school. Although the freedom of being able to ask someone out on a date was great, it took a long while to actually do this successfully, and all the time there as more porn available. Luckily I had a lot of other interests and hobbies- playing guitar, learning Sanskrit, learning to dance salsa etc and especially the dancing with women made me feel less inclined to porn. At least for me there's a direct correlation between success in sexual relations with real women and moving to PMO, but I had already done the damage. All my infrequent sexual encounters with regular girlfriends or a one night stand were really disappointing - I thought it was whiskey dick at the ONS, at another time condom impotence with a gf, but I never made the connection that it was PMO! Then I dated my now ex-wife and surprisingly we had great sex, and often. I guess at that time I was off the PMO. It was the only relationship where I can honestly say I enjoyed the sex, and I was in love for sure for a while there. Once she got pregnant though (and unavailable for sex) I found myself turning to PMO again- now that I think of it that was pretty sick. Got divorced but kept my job, took care of my angel of a daughter through the separation, and now am stably settled in my successful career, but still when I started dating after divorce the same PIED resurfaced. I thought it was because of lack of emotional connection, but just last month it hit me so hard- the aha! moment: all my difficulties with real sex stemmed from PMO. Luckily for me I've been on a deep spiritual path following yoga and meditation for 6 years. I have been able to quit addictions before: quit smoking to pick up squash (the game), quit drinking to succeed in meditation, but PMO is the last one I'd been ignoring. Decided to quit on Jan 8, 2016. Had to reset on the 18th (got scared of the flatline and had to try the dick to see it worked- foolish; of course it did, and the semen was more and thicker, but the PM was unnecessary). Back on the wagon for about 15 days now and loving it. Hope to keep strong. I realize I was using PMO to counter stress, depression, boredom and to avoid going out and confronting my sexuality and to avoid the hassle of real relationships. Just an easy way way out to pleasure myself and not deal with the situation. This is a good revelation. Thanks for reading this far if you did. This forum is great. It opened my eyes. I knew it was foolish to keep at PMO all along- all our yoga texts and teachers say so, but you have to hear it from real guys in your generation to get the message loud and clear. I wish you all have your aha! moment and don't slip. Hope to keep posting and help others here. I'll say that my strong meditation schedule prevented me from getting too seriously deep into the addiction in the first place- mine has been long, sporadic in parts, but not too deep. Hoping to stay away from PMO and enjoy real sex with a loving partner soon.